Ernest P. Worrell Quotes in Ernest Goes to Camp (1987)

[Ernest is getting his shots and is in pain]

Ernest P. Worrell: I did it! I took the Lindbergh baby! I am 'Josef Mengele' qv! AAAHHH!

Ernest P. Worrell: No. I-I can't eat on an empty stomach.

[Krader has come to kill Ernest with his rifle. He points his rifle at Ernest and has him dead in the crosshairs]

Nurse St. Cloud: [v.o] If he had faith in The Great One, the knife would not cut him.

[Krader fires and inexplicably misses, much his his own and Ernest's surprise. He moves closer and aims again]

Nurse St. Cloud: [v.o] If he had courage; *true* courage, the rock would not break him.

[Krader fires again and misses. He moves closer and targets Ernest again]

Nurse St. Cloud: [v.o] If the brave was pure of heart, the arrow could not catch him.

[Krader fires and misses. He moves to point-blank range and takes aim. Ernest plugs the rifle barrel with his finger and smirks]

Ernest P. Worrell: [smugly] Paper, rock scissors.

Eddie (Chef #2): Jake's specialty du jour - eggs erroneous. It's made with powdered eggs and herbs and spices smuggled into this country by Tibetan monks.

Jake: Ernest, l want you to cut yourself a big knock out of these eggs erroneous.

Ernest P. Worrell: No, l-l can't eat on an empty stomach .

Jake: Why, of course you can. Eddie does, and look at that rosy glow to his teeth.

Mr. Tipton: Okay, one more chance, but your boys better get with the program. Know what I mean?

Ernest P. Worrell: Oh I know what you mean, sir, thank you.

Nurse St. Cloud: And that was the ritual of the Blade, the Stone, and the Arrow.

Ernest P. Worrell: Like in our culture: Paper, Rock, Scissors.

Ernest P. Worrell: One monkey don't stop no show.

Ernest P. Worrell: All aboard that's going ashore!

Mr. Tipton: Have you ever held a leadership position?

Ernest P. Worrell: I had a ant farm once.

Ernest P. Worrell: Somethin' burnin'? Ayyy-EWW!

Ernest P. Worrell: And then, he thought he heard it, and that's when Vernon turned around and looked in his rear window... and there, staring back at him was the hook man!

[laughs sinsterly]

Ernest P. Worrell: So, he stomps on the gas, and he tore out of there, and the next day, Vernon went to get in his car, and there, hanging on the rear view mirror, was the hook!

Crutchfield: I thought it was supposed to be on the door handle.

Ernest P. Worrell: Well yeah it was, but then Vernon hung it on the rear view mirror like dice and baby shoes.

Ernest P. Worrell: My motto is, "I never met a bad kid."

State Supervisor: Then let me introduce you to some. These misfits were selected by their ward leaders as most in need of help.

[they step over to the boys]

State Supervisor: This here's the ringleader, Bobby Wayne. He's been in and out of institutions like this since he was eleven.

Bobby Wayne: Since I was nine.

State Supervisor: And this here's Crutchfield. Twelve years old and already a master thief.

Crutchfield: [Hands back Ernest's wallet] It's like a... gift or something.

Ernest P. Worrell: Well, thanks

[takes the wallet]

State Supervisor: And here's Danny Simpson. He comes from a long line of troublemakers.

Danny: It's a family tradition. I've got a reputation to uphold.

State Supervisor: And the Albert Eeeeiiinstein of this institution, Chip Ooooozgood.

Chip Ozgood: [Says nothing]

State Supervisor: [Shakes her head] Butch Too Cool Vargas.

Butch 'Bubba' Vargas: [Says nothing, looks at her contemptuously]

Ernest P. Worrell: You see these hands? Huh? Huh? You see them? If I put them in my pockets I will be arrested for concealing lethal weapons.

Butch 'Bubba' Vargas: Ernest, um... we've been thinking.

Crutchfield: Yeah, we ain't got much of a chance but we got a plan.

Bobby Wayne: If we stop those miners then there will be a Camp Kikakee.

Ernest P. Worrell: Boys, we can't stop those miners, look what they did to me and that was just one of them.

Chip Ozgood: Come on Ernest, that don't sound like no path of the brave to me.

Moustafa 'Moose' Hakeem Jones: I don't want to go back to no institution, I want to stay right here with you.

Bobby Wayne: Yeah we all do, Ernest.

Chip Ozgood: Come on, Ernest, we can get them.

Bobby Wayne: Hey, it's the path of the brave.

Crutchfield: Let's go for it, we can do it, Ernest.

Ernest P. Worrell: How 'bout a bumper sandwich, Boogerlips?

Ernest P. Worrell: I never knew when to quit. Just ask my fourth grade teacher.

[while driving to the treehouse with a now wooden Rimshot]

Ernest P. Worrell: What good is a wooden dog? Oh, sure they swim better, but what am I gonna call him, Splinter?

Ernest P. Worrell: [to the troll] You'd better stay away. I know jujitsu, kung fu, karate, tai chi, and I saw "Hulkamania" three times. Once in slow-mo.

Ernest P. Worrell: Nuh uh, ain't no trees in Botswana, nuh uh, I know, I AM a Botswanian lumberjack, and I ain't never had a job...

Ernest P. Worrell: [as the Old Lady] Be grateful, little trolls in China don't even get milk.

Ernest P. Worrell: How about a little Miak!

Trantor the Troll: Miak?

Ernest P. Worrell: Yeah, Miak. I bet you thought I couldn't find any at this time of the year, well a little resourceful for ya, a little to light on my feet. Eat Miak and die!

Ernest P. Worrell: [as a doll he picked up as the garbage truck is closing on him] No no don't stick my head in those gears!

[to the doll]

Ernest P. Worrell: But it's me or you

[as the doll]

Ernest P. Worrell: But I have a family at the doll factory!

[Hesitates]

Ernest P. Worrell: I'll send them a nice card

[sticks the doll's head in the gears]

Ernest P. Worrell: [as the doll] You'll never get away with this Ernest I know where you live.

Kenny: Ernest I got it! What we need is a tree house!

Ernest P. Worrell: I thought we needed dress shields.

Trantor the Troll: You will die for the disgrace of your forefathers!

Ernest P. Worrell: I didn't have four fathers! I only had one father and I didn't know him that well!

[When seeing Trantor the Troll for the first time]

Ernest P. Worrell: Oh, I sure hope you're from Keebler!

Ernest P. Worrell: Boy, Jimmy. When you play charades you play for keeps. Knowhatimean?

Ernest P. Worrell: [about the troll] He looked like a big giant Mr. Potato Head. Except he was shaped more like a watermelon.

Ernest P. Worrell: [being attacked by the troll] Help, help! May day! May day! Christmas Day! Colombus Day!

Ernest P. Worrell: Pretty soon the kids won't have to worry about eating their Brussel sprouts because the Brussel sprouts will be eating them.

Ernest P. Worrell: [to Rimshot] We have nothing to fear but fear itself, plus the known fact that Old Lady Hackmore will turn us into a couple of drooling, red eyed zombies if she catches us here.

[knocks on the door]

Ernest P. Worrell: Well, nobody home, I guess they're out robbing graves or biting the heads off chickens or whatever's in Voodoo Vogue.

Ernest P. Worrell: Miak!

Ernest P. Worrell: [Rimshot's been turned to wood] Rimshot! Oh my God.

Kenny: Don't worry, Ernest, we'll figure out some way to beat this.

Ernest P. Worrell: I'll tell you how we beat this thing, I'll tell you how we beat it. My great great granddaddy put him in that tree and so can I. Somebody with a runny nose is going to die.

Ernest P. Worrell: There's nothing in that tree for me.

Ernest P. Worrell: [about the troll] It looked like a great big Mr. Potato Head only it was the size of a watermelon!

Ernest P. Worrell: [after running over the troll and not finding him] He must be a greasy spot in the road.

Ernest P. Worrell: Make sure your shoes are on the right feet and all your furniture's up against the WALLLL!

Ernest P. Worrell: Sheriff Binder open up! It was awful, the thunder and the lightning, and it had great big teeth and things on its ears like this! It was at least this big and at least this long!

Cliff: Whoa, whoa, Ernest, what's going on?

Amanda: Ernest do you know what time it is?

Ernest P. Worrell: Maybe Old Lady Hackmore was right, maybe it WAS a troll! Luckily I was there to beat it within an inch of its face.

Cliff: Old Lady Hackmore?

Ernest P. Worrell: Yeah the kids and I built a treehouse out there and she got REAL STEAMED.

Amanda: You took Kenny and the kids out there? Trespassing on an old lady's property?

Cliff: Yeah, but what happened?

Ernest P. Worrell: Sheriff, I saw a troll! I really saw a troll!

Kenny: Dad, something really weird WAS happening in those woods tonight!

Ernest P. Worrell: Yeah, you gotta do something, Sheriff.

Cliff: Now calm down, Ernest, you probably just had a bad dream. So pinch yourself.

[Ernest pinches himself and screams]

Cliff: and go home.

Ernest P. Worrell: Oww! I'm not dreaming, this really hurts!

Ernest P. Worrell: We got him, Rimshot, we got ol' Honkerhead himself.

Ernest P. Worrell: Did you hear the one about the three legged dog that walked into a bar and said, "I'm lookin' for the guy that shot my paw."

Ernest P. Worrell: [finding Rimshot in the trashcan] What kind of person would throw away a perfectly good dog?

Ernest P. Worrell: Mr. Poodle-Smurf is lucky to have me. One day, I'm gonna walk into his office and I'll say: 'Oscar Babe'.

Oscar Pendlesmythe: WHAT?

Ernest P. Worrell: Oh good morning Mr. Poodle-Smurf, Puddle-Smit, Smiddle-Poot...

Oscar Pendlesmythe: Pendlesmythe you idiot!

Ernest P. Worrell: I've never been inside a restaurant that doesn't have a drive-thru window before.

Guard: Eat, Greaseball!

Ernest P. Worrell: I didn't order grease ball.

Ernest P. Worrell: We're sequestered. And on top of that we can't even leave! This is just great.

Ernest P. Worrell: Like in real, really, really, really, really real prison? The hoose-gow, the slammer, the joint, Alcatraz, San Quentin, Sing Sing, Oh no. I'm in... I'm in... jail!

Ernest P. Worrell: Death row? You mean like the chair, the hot seat, dead meat, deep 6, it's over pal, you're outta here bub, the groundhog's are bringing you your mail, you're picking turnips with a step ladder, the no tomorrow row? That kind of row? Oh no. The row?

Ernest P. Worrell: [to lawyer as he's being taken to the chair] You pal, you're not getting anymore of my business!

Ernest P. Worrell: I've been vandalized by Elvis.

Ernest P. Worrell: So it's come to this. A pointless, miserable end to a shallow, meaningless life. But it's as it should be. It's the hand I've been dealt, and I have to play it as it lays. Oh, I'm not going to cry because life's thrown me a curve. I'm not going to whine because I got mashed potatoes when French fries is what I really wanted. It's time for me to step up to the plate, belly up to the bar! It's time for me to look fate square in the eye, flare my nostrils, breathe life's last breath! It's time for me to lie down with lions so I can soar with the eagles! All right! I'm ready! Come and get me! Let's do it!

Ernest P. Worrell: [after being electrocuted by the electric chair] You better watch out, Ruben. I'll zap you.

Rubin Bartlett: You're a dead man, Worrell.

Ernest P. Worrell: Very well. You asked for it. After all, I am Ernest P. Worrell... Electro-man.

Ernest P. Worrell: [after drying himself off with his body dryer and checking the circuit board] Oh, there's my problem right there. This wire's got a little sh...

[gets electricuted]

Ernest P. Worrell: short in it.

[Then a metal comb clings to his vest]

Ernest P. Worrell: Gosh, not again.

Ernest P. Worrell: [after removing a metal lid that clinged to his face with a lobster still stuck on his face] I recommend the lobster.

[Ernest and the crew he's with are being forced to go into a jail cell, and Ernest is mistaking the prison he's in for his jury crew, and a guard comes up from behind him and hits him]

Ernest P. Worrell: I hope you've got a good story to tell my boss! After all, I do have a living to earn.

Mean prison guard: Now look, Nash -...

Ernest P. Worrell: My name is "Worrel, Ernest P. Worrel."

Mean prison guard: Oh, Mister Funny-Man, huh? Yeah, Mister Funny-Man. You'll think funny when you're tapping to the tune of 2-20, son!

[throws him into his cell, right next to them]

Ernest P. Worrell: That is the rudest bailiff I have ever seen in my life.

Ernest P. Worrell: Real men are not intimidated by physical threats against their personal selves, and, ironically, neither am I.

Ernest P. Worrell: [when Ernest notices that metal things are attacking him] Huh?

Lyle: Let him go.

Ernest P. Worrell: Lyle! You talk! That's great!

Rubin Bartlett: Have you flipped? Come on, we've got to get of this guy before he blows the whole thing!

Lyle: No! He's different than us!

Rubin Bartlett: [before Lyle knocks him out] Shut up and get out of my way!

Lyle: You better go. Mister Nash is probably robbing the bank right now.

Ernest P. Worrell: Nash? Well, come with me.

Lyle: I don't belong out there. I got a place in here.

Ernest P. Worrell: Well, I'm gonna miss you, buddy.

Lyle: Ernest, things won't be the same without you. You know what I mean?

Ernest P. Worrell: I came! I saw! I got blowed up!

Ernest P. Worrell: A real soldier wouldn't leave those people. And ironically, neither would I.

Ernest P. Worrell: I am poultry in motion.

Ernest P. Worrell: Poisoned barbed wire. A feeble attempt to frighten lesser minds.

Ernest P. Worrell: The desert sun certainly has an adverse effect on chocolate milk.

Ernest P. Worrell: Gosh Ben, you never let me do anything, ever since we were kids.

Sarge: I let you do stuff.

Ernest P. Worrell: What kind of stuff?

Sarge: ...Stuff.

Ernest P. Worrell: Well okay, stuff, but you never let drive.

Ernest P. Worrell: Army people, army people, army army army people.

Cindy: Are you a mirage?

Ernest P. Worrell: No ma'am, Southern Baptist.

Ernest P. Worrell: I learned CPR on Oprah!