Albert Quotes in Action Jackson (1988)

Officer Kornblau: So what's your name?

Albert: A-Albert. A-Albert Smith.

Officer Lack: Albert, your mother and father weren't by any chance brother and sister, were they?

Albert: Hey man, what's gon' happen to me?

Officer Kornblau: Oh, nothing. Uh, wel-nothing much, uh... you might have to endure a little session with, uh, Action Jackson.

Albert: Wh-who's Axon...?

Officer Lack: *Action*, Albert. *Action Jackson*.

Officer Kornblau: Yeah, some say he didn't even have a mother. That some researchers at NASA created him to be the first man to walk on the moon without a space suit.

Officer Lack: Mm-hmm.

Officer Kornblau: Others say his mother was molested by Bigfoot and, uh, Jackson is their mutant offspring.

Officer Lack: They bring in Jackson when they want to re-educate some young ne'er-do-well such as yourself, Albert.

Officer Kornblau: Yeah, I remember one kid got re-educated so bad, his testicles climbed back up into his belly. Wouldn't come out.

Officer Lack: They called it a medical miracle.

Officer Kornblau: Yeah. Another kid, handcuffed to a chair; gnawed his own hand off like a trapped skunk, or wolverine, or somethin'.

Albert: Jackson, why did you have to bring me along in the first place?

Action Jackson: You remind me of a old friend.

Albert: Then why didn't you bring your old friend?

Action Jackson: He's dead.

Albert: Damn, man why did you have to tell me that?

Albert: How do you know so much about these things?

Leechee: I'm a student...

[whispering]

Leechee: of shiatsu massage.

Albert: I don't know about this, Sam. Those fires look awfuly close and they're getting closer.

Sam: Just think of your pension.

Albert: I am thinking about it. I'm thinking about how I'm gonna live to collect it!

Albert: Boy, I told you to go out and find adventure, not bring it home!

Albert: [repeatedly] Superb!

Jeffrey: Jess has the hottest ass!

Albert: Casey has the hottest rack!

Paul: Bianca, has, the hottest friends.

Jeffrey, Albert, Paul: Yeah!

Clinch: Where did you learn to shoot?

Albert: Your wife.

Edward: Oh, snap!

George Stark: You're late!

Albert: For what?

George Stark: Fair enough.

Anna: You're a good sheep farmer!

Albert: Oh my god, please! I suck at sheep. Louise was right, I can't keep track of them. There was a sheep in the whorehouse the last week.

Anna: Really?

Albert: Yeah. Wandered in there, and then when I went to pick it up, somehow it had made 20 dollars.

Louise: You're not even a good sheep farmer, Albert. Your sheep are everywhere. The one thing a sheep farmer has to do is keep all of the sheep in one place, all right? I went to your farm the other day, and I saw one in the back yard, three way up on the ridge, two in the pond and one on the roof.

Albert: Okay, that's Bridget, all right? She has a problem with retardation, but she's full of love.

Albert: [Being offered a pot cookie by Anna] The last time somebody gave me one of these, I became convinced that prairie dogs could read my mind.

Prairie Dog: Squeak!

Albert: [Cowering] It knows!

Albert: ...and all I had to do was distract you while the poison entered your bloodstream.

Edward: Albert, he's dead. He's been dead for a few minutes.

Albert: Oh. Well, did he at least hear all the smart things I said?

Albert: You know what else can kill you? Doctors!

Anna: I don't think you should leave tomorrow. At least stay through the weekend. Isn't the fair on Saturday?

Albert: Oh, fuck that. I'm not going to the stupid fair. Louise is gonna be there, and she's gonna be with Foy. I don't wanna put myself through that kind of fucking aggravation.

Anna: Yeah, well, I'll go with you. No better way to make your ex-girlfriend want you back more than to let her see you with another girl.

Albert: I don't know...

Anna: Especially a smoking hot girl. When she sees me, she'll be intimidated as fuck.

Albert: Oh, you're very modest, I see.

Anna: I'm a little cocky. But I got great tits.

Anna: So how did you guys meet?

Albert: She moved to town a couple of years ago to take over the schoolmarm job. Our old schoolmarm got her throat slit by a fast moving tumbleweed.

Albert: I'm not the hero. I'm the guy in the crowd making fun of the hero's shirt; that's who I am.

Albert: My worst fear is to OD on a recreational drug.

Albert: You know, there are a million ways to die in the west, Clinch. There's, uh, famine, disease, gunfights... And, uh, wild animals. You know, like snakes. And, you know, the funny thing is, you don't even have to get bitten. All you need is a little bit of the venom introduced into your bloodstream and you're pretty much screwed. For example, if you drain a certain amount of venom from the fangs of a diamondback rattler into a hollow-tip bullet, you really only need one shot. Now, I knew my aim wasn't good enough to hit you anywhere important. But if I caught you by surprise... Well, Anna taught me just enough to get me in the ballpark. And just a small amount of venom in an open wound is enough to kill a man if he's...

Ruth: Albert! He's dead. You did it.

Albert: Oh.

Ruth: Yeah.

Albert: Did he hear all that smart stuff I did?

Edward: Uh... No. No, I don't think so.

Albert: Oh. Well, it was still good though.

Edward: Yeah, it was great!

Ruth: I thought it was really good.

Anna: Come on, let's go.

Albert: No, no, no, no! I suck at dancing.

Anna: No one will notice.

Albert: How will they not notice?

Anna: 'Cause you suck at everything.

Albert: [Before drinking from the bowl with the indian tribe] "Mila Kunis" - subtitled as "Fine"

[Albert notices a glow from inside a building and peeks inside]

Albert: Hello?

[It is Doc Brown from "Back to the Future" working on the DeLorean, which is under a tarp; Doc notices Albert and covers up the car]

Albert: What, uh... what's that?

Doc Brown: Nothing.

[stammers]

Doc Brown: It's a weather experiment.

Albert: Oh.

[closes the door]

Doc Brown: Great Scott!

Albert: [At target practice] I fired a gun at the shooting gallery.

Anna: Yeah, but those are quarter loads. These are full loads.

Albert: Okay, all right, get ready. I'm about to shoot a full load at your cans.

Anna: God, why are the Indians always so mad?

Albert: I don't know.

Anna: I mean we're basically splitting this country 50/50 with them.

Albert: They're just selfish.

Chinese Date: My father is a railroad worker, like every other Chinaman.

Albert: Oh. Does he like his job?

Chinese Date: How should I know? I never see him. Do you know what kind of hours he has to work?

Albert: All the live long day?

Albert: Hey, sorry I killed your husband.

Anna: Oh God, that was never gonna work out anyway. He was Methodist, I'm half Jewish.

Albert: Yeah... Are you? You are?

Anna: No.

Albert: Oh, thank God.

Anna: You're not really Arabic, are you?

Albert: No, no, no, no.

Anna: Oh, thank God, 'cause I was like,

[mimics gun to her head]

Anna: Ah, kill me.

Albert: I know, right?

Edward: Man, I see kids everywhere with those stick hoops lately.

Albert: I know. Me too. It's got to be bad for their brains, right?

Edward: Yeah. It stunts their attention span. I read an article in the paper.

Albert: Yeah, I saw that. It's like they lose the power to innovate because they're staring at the stick hoop all day.

Edward: Yep.

Albert: The guy is one of the best shots around. I look like I have Parkinson's next to him.

Louise: What is that?

Albert: It's just another way God mysteriously shows that He loves us.

Albert: You're going home every night to your girlfriend who loves you, you're having sex with her...

Edward: Uh, no. Ruth and I have... we've never done that.

Albert: What do you mean you never... you never had sex with Ruth?

Edward: Yeah, n-no. Yeah.

Albert: Wait, doesn't she have sex with like ten guys every day at the whorehouse?

Edward: On a slow day, yeah.

Albert: But you guys have never had sex?

Edward: No. No, Ruth wants to wait till we get married. You know, she's a Christian and so am I and we wanna save ourselves for our wedding night.

Albert: Edward, have you... have you ever had sex with anyone?

Edward: Well, there was some stuff with my uncle but that was, you know, it's really hard to remember all that stuff.

Albert: Why are you laughing?

Cowboy at Fair: I don't know. Because he was laughing.

Albert: That is our Mayor, he is dead. He has been lying there dead for three days, no one has done a thing. Not moved him, not looked into his death, not even replaced him with a temporary appointee. For the last three days, the highest ranking official in our town, has been a dead guy.

[Two wolves drag dead body away]

Albert: Oh, look at that, look at that. Wolves are dragging the body away, as to illustrate my point. Bye! Bye, Mr. Mayor. Bye, have fun becoming wolve's shit, Bye. God!

Andrew Largeman: Hey Albert

Albert: Yeah?

Andrew Largeman: Good luck exploring the infinite abyss.

Albert: Thank you, and Hey, you too

Albert: [about the rickety old boathouse] Unfortunately, if this is the apocalypse, I'm not entirely sure it still floats.

Albert: You know what it's like getting up every morning feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man? But, at the same time, hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you?

Hitch: [practicing kissing technique with Albert, as Allegra] I had a really nice time tonight, Albert.

Albert: I had a... great time, too, Allegra... with a beard.

[Albert leans in for a kiss, but stops when Hitch rolls his eyes]

Albert: What's up?

Hitch: I'm not feeling it.

Albert: What do you mean? I... I came ninety.

Hitch: I'm just not feeling like you want it. Look, I'm Allegra Cole. The woman of your dreams. The woman whose green eyes are limpid pools of desire. Now show me the magic, Albert. Show me the ma...

[Albert kisses Hitch]

Hitch: What the hell was that?

Albert: I'm showing you the magic!

Hitch: No, I said come ninety and then *I'll* come ten! You don't go the whole hundred! My mouth was open, Albert! You overeager son-of-a... blech!

[Hitch walks away]

Albert: Other than that, how was it?

Hitch: All right, come on, just... show me what you got.

Albert: What do you... what do you mean?

Hitch: Just show me how you would kiss me.

Albert: Well, I... *wouldn't* kiss you.

Hitch: I'm not me. I'm Allegra.

Albert: [frowns] But you're really not.

Hitch: Okay, Albert. End of the night, you're dropping me off at home. Show me the magic.

Albert: Yeah. You know, I'm really not comfortable with this...

Hitch: [grabs Albert's hand, pretends to be Allegra] Albert, I had such a wonderful time with you!

Albert: Yeah. How about those Knicks, huh?

Hitch: [reaches for his keys] See what I'm doing? All right? This is a signal, okay? I'm fiddling with my keys, all right? A woman who doesn't want to kiss takes her keys out, puts them in the door, goes in the house. A woman that wants to kiss, she fiddles.

[jingles the keys]

Hitch: I'm fiddling.

Hitch: Love is my life.

Albert: No, love is your job!

Albert: You know, honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. You know? I swear I'm going out of my mind. It's like I want to throw myself off of every building in New York. I see a cab and I just wanna dive in front of it because then I'll stop thinking about her.

Hitch: Look, you will. Just give it time.

Albert: That's just it. I don't want to. I mean, I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable. I mean, and if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then... well, this is who I have to be.

Hitch: Heard of Michelangelo? Heard of the Sistine Chapel?

Albert: Yeah?

[Points at himself]

Hitch: Michelangelo.

[Points at Albert]

Hitch: Sistine Chapel.

Albert: So you're saying you can make this work?

Hitch: My name is Alex Hitchens. Let's go paint that ceiling.

Hitch: Lean in, place your hand on the small of her back, say it in her ear like a secret. But watch your hand placement, too high says, 'I just wanna be friends,' too low says, 'I just wanna grab some ass.'

Albert: [making holding gestures at different levels] Okay... Friends. Ass. Me.

Albert: You can't stop it...

[shouts]

Albert: You cannot stop it...

[Albert is holding a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts]

Hitch: What you got there?

Albert: This? I figured maybe if my heart stops beating, it wouldn't hurt so much.

Albert: [showing Hitch his dance moves] Do the Q-tip! Q-tip! Now throw it away! Now what am I doing? I'm makin a pizza!

Albert: [to Egon] What was your name, Eggnog?

Hitch: What is the objective?

Albert: [softly] Shock and awe.

Hitch: That was shockingly awful. What is the objective?

Albert: Shock and awe.

Hitch: *What* is the *objective*?

Albert: Don't give me that tone!

Armand: What tone?

Albert: That sarcastic contemptuous tone that means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman.

Armand: You're not a woman.

Albert: Oh, you bastard!

Armand: Al, you old son of a bitch! How ya doin'? How do you feel about that call today? I mean the Dolphins! Fourth-and-three play on their 30 yard line with only 34 seconds to go!

Albert: How do you think I feel? Betrayed, bewildered... wrong response?

Armand: All right, I'll bite, where are you going?

Albert: To Los Copa.

Armand: Los Copa? There's nothing in Los Copa but a cemetery.

Albert: I know, that's why I'm packing light.

Armand: Oh I see, so you're going to a cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.

Albert: [discussing abortion] Oh, I know what you're going to say. "If you kill the mother, the fetus dies, too." But the fetus is going to be aborted anyway, so why not let it go down with the ship?

Albert: No good?

Armand: Actually, it's perfect. I just never realized John Wayne walked like that.

Celsius: Chewing gum helps me think.

Albert: Sweetie, you're wasting your gum!

Albert: You know, I used to feel that way too until I found out that Alexander the Great was a fag. Talk about gays in the military!

Albert: Could you tell them I was a relative who dropped in? Val's Uncle? Uncle Al?

Armand: What's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al.

Albert: Oh, I could play it straight!

Armand: Oh please, look at you! Look at the way you're holding your glass! Look at your pinky! Look at your posture!

Albert: What? What about you? You're obviously not a cultural... whatever it is. You've never been to a museum, and you eat like a pig!

Armand: Albert, these people are right-wing conservatists. They don't care if you're a pig, they just care if you're a fag!... Ah, fuck 'em! Of course you can pass as an uncle!

Albert: Oh Vallie, this is such a shock. I'm not saying anything, I promised your father, Mmm-mmm. But you're only twenty, and if you throw yourself away on some dormitory slut you'll be sorry for the rest of your life. There, enough said, no more, subject closed.

Albert: Oh yes, another jibe, another joke at my expense. You were probably laughing at me with Katherine, too. Well, why not? I'm not young, I'm not new, and everyone laughs at me. I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am. I've been thinking that the only solution is to go where no one is ridiculous and everyone is equal. Goodbye, Armand.

Albert: Oh God, I pierced the toast!

Armand: So what? The important thing to remember is not to go to pieces when that happens. You have to react like a man, calmly. You have to say to yourself, "Albert, you pierced the toast, so what? It's not the end of your life."

Albert: I'm leaving you my stereo...

Agador: I don't want it.

Albert: My red boots?

Agador: I don't want them.

Albert: And my wigs?

Agador: Which wig?

Albert: You don't love me anymore, Armand.

Armand: Oh, shit.

Albert: He blew a BUBBLE with his GUM while I was singing. He can't do that while I'm SINGING!

Albert: Oh yes... Coldeman. The "d" is silent in America. It's Cole D'Isle au Man, or Cole of the Isle of Man, in France, where Armand's chateau is, Cold-e-man in Greece where Armand's work is, and finally the vulgar Coleman in Florida where Armand's home is, so actually, we don't know where we are until we hear our last name pronounced! Ahahahahahahaaaaa!

[last lines]

Rabbi: Mazeltov!

Pastor: As a sign of your union, you may kiss the bride.

Albert: [loudly weeps hysterically]

Albert: Here, let me help you lean on it.

Armand: I think I need a doctor.

Albert: Oh, don't be silly! It isn't even swollen!

Armand: [pulls away] Maybe we should go to an emergency room, you know, I can get an X-ray.

Albert: [grabs him] You're overreacting! Don't be such a baby!

[opens door]

Albert: Just sit down on the... AAAAAAAAHH! We've been robbed!

Armand: Celsius, look, this may be a drag show, but it still has to be a good drag show, if possible a great drag show.

Albert: Yeah, so just because you're twenty-two and hung doesn't mean that you can...

Armand: Let me do this, Albert.

Albert: Armand Goldman, you old so-and-so! How 'bout those Dolphins! ... Screaming queen?

Armand: Val's fiancée is coming tonight with her parents, and we thought... we thought it would be better if you weren't here.

Albert: I see... I see.

Val: It's just for tonight.

Albert: I understand, it's just while people are here.

Albert: I'm just... a guy!

Armand: What about those?

[Gesturing to Albert's pink socks]

Albert: These? Well, one does want a hint of color.

Armand: [Armand and Val laugh at him, trying to hide it in their expressions, though]

Albert: You think when I dress like this I'm even more obvious.

Albert: Maybe it is too much to introduce me as his mother on the first visit. Could you tell him I was a relative who dropped in? Val's uncle, Uncle Al!

Armand: Oh, what's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al.

Albert: My mother always said, "Live on Fisher Island, get buried in Palm Beach. That way, you'll have the best of Florida."

Albert: Aaaaahhhhh! We've been robbed.

Albert: [Armand has entered from the kitchen to hear Albert finishing a story] ... and so they decided to find a cemetery they *really* loved instead of eating tofu!

Albert: Hmm, Turkish coffee.

Agador: See!

[Slaps Armand's arm]

Albert: Armand! Did you see that?

Armand: What?

Albert: He blew a bubble while I was singing. He can't do that while I'M SINGING!

Albert: When the schnecken beckons...

Albert: [in reference to the dinner plates] Mine has a girl. Doesn't yours have a girl?

George (First Footman): What's the matter with you?

Albert: I just thought *I'd* be dressing Mr Novello.

George (First Footman): And now you won't get to see him in his underdrawers. Better luck next time.

Albert: He has my eyes.

Mollie: I know he does. You don't know how confusing it is when someone you love so much looks like someone you hate.

Mollie: If we ever got back together I'm afraid I would have to torture you for the rest of your life.

Albert: Oh, that's okay. I want you to.

[Molly's dream]

Albert: Beth has finally agreed to a divorce. Oh, Mollie I'm so glad you waited.

Mollie: [greatly aged] I knew that if I was patient, this day would come.

Albert: [sees Mikey making a face] Is he taking a dump?

Mollie: No, he's thinking real hard!

Albert: I've raised my kids.

Mollie: Raised them? They're 11 and 9. Don't tell me they've moved out and gotten jobs already!

Albert: Do you have a picture of Mickey?

[she is impatient at Albert getting their son's name wrong more than once]

Mollie: MIKEY!

Mollie: [Albert is feeling up Mollie's leg] Al-Albert, stop. Albert, I can't do this anymore.

Albert: Mollie, I love you, and you love me. I know you do.

Mollie: Of course I love you, Albert. You're a wonderful father. You're great in bed, and you're my biggest account. But you're married. And I will never fall in love with anyone else as long as I'm seeing you, so think you should just work with a different accountant.

Mollie: My doctor says my breathing's fine.

Albert: You have to do what's best for the baby. When Beth was pregnant...

Mollie: Oh I am so SICK of hearing about Beth! Beth Beth Beth Beth! I'm having a hard time figuring out how you could be in love with her and then in love with someone like me. When I found out I was pregnant, I decided to make out a will, when Beth had the girls she got a reading of their past lives!

James: Okay, if you're the father then maybe you can answer me these questions. What's Mikey's favorite cereal?

Albert: I don't know.

James: Cheerios. How many diapers does he go through a day? About six. Who's his favorite rock star? Michael Jackson. Don't you think a father should know some of these things?

Albert: Okay how much is she paying you? 5 dollars an hour?

[Gives James a 20]

Albert: Here go play some video games.

James: Don't give me that shit.

[They start fighting]

Albert: I know this may be hard to understand, but I'm going through a selfish phase right now.

Mollie: A selfish phase?

Albert: I admit the timing is bad.

Albert: Oh God, Mollie, I'm going to burst if you don't kiss me.

Mollie: Tough.

Eva: I could not believe what I was watching! No brains, and the fake cheekbones, and the fake boobs. Do you like fake boobs?

Albert: ...No. No, I like real boobs.

Eva: Yeah - I got real boobs.

Albert: ...That's workin' out for us then.

Albert: So while you were, uh, being torn, she was poisoning our relationship and poisoning your perception of me. Now why would you want that?

Eva: I don't know, I mean, except maybe I was trying to protect myself, you know, because, you know, we've both been married before. And you know how things can turn out.

Albert: What about us? What about protecting us?

Eva: I didn't protect us.

Eva: Oh, the Container Store?

Albert: Yes, yes, the Container Store. The store that sells crap so you can put your crap in so you can go out and buy some more crap.

Eva: I love that store. I love crap.

Eva: I'm tired of being funny.

Albert: Me too.

Eva: Did they just turn the music louder.

Albert: No, I think you just got older.

[last lines]

Albert: I should tell you... I bought some night tables.

Eva: You did?

Albert: No.

[Eva laughs]

Albert: No, I didn't.

Eva: OK, that's good.

Eva: You have, like, eighty million toothbrushes.

Albert: I do?

Eva: Yeah.

Albert: I only use one of them.

Eva: Then why don't you just throw the other ones out?

Albert: I don't know. Because they're my friends?

Eva: I don't usually park in front of your house. I usually just drive by.

Albert: Sometimes I drive by your house, too.

Eva: You do?

Will: Eva was telling me that there are no men at this party that she's attractred to.

Albert: That's OK, there's no one here I'm attracted to either.

Eva: [Albert's daughter has just left with some friends] You think they have threesomes?

Albert: What? Why would you say that?

Eva: I know, but apparently, that's what they're doing these days. That's what I heard.

Albert: Memories are like a magpie. It picks up all the bright and shiny shit and pays no attention to what really matters.

Albert: Zat gravity, it's a killer.

Albert: Don't let your brain interfere with your heart.

Henry: Hey guys, time for a hug?

Jack: I don't think so.

Billy: Maybe after the game.

Albert: Play ball!

[They are under a large cardboard box in the rain]

Henry: I think we should review our goals.

Billy: Review our goals. Wacko, we gotta find the doctor.

Henry: Who put you in charge? I'm in charge here.

Jack: Read the New Testament, Sparky. You'll find out who's in charge.

Billy: Get outta the way!

[They bump a pedestrian]

Billy: Albert, you step on my foot one more time, I'm gonna kill ya!

Albert: Kill the ump!

Jack: Why does a grown man have to smell like tuna fish?

Henry: Dr. Newald's going to be very, very, very upset. I'm going to have to make a full report.

Jack McDermott: You're a sick man. It's a sickness of the soul.

[flips Henry the finger]

Jack McDermott: Put *this* in your report!

Albert: Foul ball!

Harry: I'll tell you what. If you can tell me what year it is, I'll let you come with us.

Albert: What year it is?

Harry: Yeah.

Albert: Feels as if I'm fuckin' on Who Wants to be a Millionaire here. Can I phone a friend?

Albert: What is that? That there. What is that?

Rhino: What, that big thing on top of the hill?

Albert: You cannae miss looking at that. What *is* that?

Rhino: It's Edinburgh Castle, Albert.

Albert: Is it?

Rhino: Aye.

Albert: What did they put it up there for?

Harry: You don't recognize Edinburgh Castle?

Albert: No. Or I wouldn't have been asking you.

Harry: Have you been living in the cupboard all your life or what?

Albert: And what's the matter with that, Harry?

Albert: I'm a Tasmanian

Trustus: Do you cuss on your records?

Albert: Yeah.

Trustus: Do you defile women with your lyrics?

Albert: Yeah.

Trustus: Do you fondle your genitalia on stage?

Albert: Whenever possible.

Trustus: Do you glorify violence or advocate the use of guns as a way of solving a simple dispute?

CB4: [pull out guns]

Trustus: Ok! Ok! Final question. Do you guys respect anything at all?

CB4: Not a goddamn thing.

Trustus: You got a deal.

Albert Sr.: Don't be wasting my electricity on that rap mess.

Albert: But, pop...

Albert Sr.: Don't "but" me. I'll beat your ass in front of your woman.

Albert: Man, she ain't nuttin' but a groupie with a pen.

Eve: I hear a pen is all you have in your pants and it's already out of ink.

Euripides: Did you know a black man invented ice cream?

Albert: No, no, no. Now how the hell a black man gonna invent ice cream in hot-ass Africa? Tell me that!

Euripides: Did you know a black man invented ice cream?

Albert: No, no, no. Now how the hell a black man gonna invent ice cream in hot-ass Africa? Tell me that!

Albert: Damn, Mother! You ain't gonna shaft this nigga twice in one week!

Mother: Please, Albert. Not in mixed company.

Angela: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you.

Linda: Have you been saved?

Angela: Who me?

Linda: Did you know that the end of the world is drawing near?

Angela: As a matter of fact, I do. I was just about to have a slice of cake. Would you two like to join me?

Albert: Cake. Yes, of course. How nice.

Constable Slobotham: Happen to know what Doris was wearing?

Albert: Yes, a sort of white frilly jacket with a dark green jacket and a long green skirt.

Det Sgt. Bung: Did you get that down.

Albert: Oh no, as I said, I've only known her for a year.

Det Sgt. Bung: I was talking to my assistant!

Det Sgt. Bung: A young lady has disappeared and we're anxious to trace her whereabouts.

Dr. Watt: Oh? Whereabouts?

Det Sgt. Bung: Hereabouts.

Albert: At ten o'clock.

Det Sgt. Bung: Or thereabouts.

Constable Slobotham: In this vicinity.

Det Sgt. Bung: Or roundabouts.

Constable Slobotham: We're police officers.

Albert: Or layabouts.

Constable Slobotham: Just a minute Mr Potter, where were you last night?

Albert: My bed.

Constable Slobotham: Any witnesses to corroborate that?

Albert: My landlady.

Constable Slobotham: Who?

Albert: She came up with a bottle.

Constable Slobotham: Sounds like a pretty loose-living place you're lodging in.

Albert: She always comes up with a hot water bottle.

Constable Slobotham: Sarge, it's just possible he and the landlady are in collusion

Albert: Don't be disgusting, she's over 60.

Det Sgt. Bung: [Watching the revived Doris sit up] I don't believe it!

[Reaches out to her]

Albert: [Forcing Bung's hand away] Don't you dare!

Det Sgt. Bung: I only wanted to see if she was hard or soft!

[Bung and Slobotham drag a protesting Albert into their office]

Det Sgt. Bung: Alright Mr Potter, where is it?

Albert: Lummy, it's your police station - you ought to know!

Albert: Marvellous! But we're not looking for a house. We're looking for Doris.

Det Sgt. Bung: I know, but this is right in the middle of the woods. They might have heard or seen something suspicious. We can't afford to leave any stone unturned. What's the name of this road, Slobotham ?

Constable Slobotham: Avery Avenue.

Det Sgt. Bung: Then we must explore Avery Avenue !

[Albert rolls his eyes]

[Albert has just discovered the Mummy of King Rubbatiti]

Albert: Oh mummy!

Det Sgt. Bung: It's only a mummy!

Albert: A mummy?

[Points to the mummy]

Albert: With a beard?

Det Sgt. Bung: Well, they didn't just do it to women - men got pickled too!

Albert: We felt like getting a bit of fresh air and that.

Constable Slobotham: What's that?

Det Sgt. Bung: Same as the other.

Constable Slobotham: [Running into the police lab with Albert] Here sarge, we've got a lead!

Albert: This note was pushed through my letterbox

[reading from the note]

Albert: If you want to know what happened to those girls, I can tell you. I am the cloakroom attendant in the One by the Park and you can see me any time, at my convenience.

[hands the note to Bung]

Constable Slobotham: Do you think it's genuine, Sarge?

Det Sgt. Bung: [Examining the note] Interesting notepaper - perforated at both ends. Could be - Come on!

Andre Trochard: Out of my way, you lout!

Albert: [deadpan] You frighten me.

Albert: [looking at the Navy officer in full dress whites] I think he looks like a glass of milk.

Albert: What if she knows his handwriting?

Joseph: If you got a beautiful note like this, would you bother comparing signatures?

Albert: No. It'd have to be signed by a girl, though.

Albert: I read someplace that when a lady faints, you should loosen her clothing.

Joseph: [Sarcastically] It's that kind of reading that got you into trouble.

Albert: [forced out of Isabelle's room by Jules] But you're supposed to when a girl faints!

Albert: If crime showed on a man's face, there wouldn't be any mirrors.

Albert: Even the girl herself called us angels.

Joseph: We're no angels.

Joseph: I'm going to buy them their Christmas turkey.

Albert: "Buy"? Do you really mean "buy"?

Joseph: Yes, buy! In the Spirit of Christmas. The hard part's going to be stealing the money to pay for it.

Joseph: [Referring to the Ducotels] People like that - how can you cut their throats?

Albert: [Dryly] It isn't easy.

Albert: Now I've really lost her.

Joseph: You never really had her.

Jules: [handsome young doctor enters the store, and is spotted by the three convicts] It's predestiny, that's what it is.

Albert: Nah, it's that fellow from the boat.

Albert: A man doesn't travel 4000 miles just to prove he's a louse, he could do that in a letter, like I always did.

Albert: They shouldn't let crooks like that on Devil's Island.

Jules: No, it'll give the place a bad name.

Joseph: Jules, you rush in and tell him before it's too late. Tell him there's a snake in that box.

Jules: He won't believe me. He doesn't like me.

Joseph: Albert, maybe you ought to run in and warn him.

Albert: Why don't we cut cards for it?

Joseph: Good idea. I'll get the cards.

[Long pause as he slowly saunters over to get a deck of cards and returns]

Joseph: Who cuts first?

Felix Ducotel: You fixed the roof?

Albert: We fixed everything.

Albert: Louise, I swear to you there is no money. If you only knew what was going on in that hospital. It's not only the IRS, I'm in deep financial trouble, and I need you to hold me, to hug me, to kiss me, to reassure me that everything isn't as hopeless as it looks.

Louise: The only thing that is hopeless, Albert is that you're horny 24 hours a day.

Albert: [quoting Abraham Lincoln] You know what he said, "With malice toward none and charity to all."

Louise: And the last thing he said was "Look honey, I've got these two great seats for the theater tonight."

Albert: Jesus, why did I have to bring up Lincoln?

Albert: You are not a person, Mr. Burns. You are an experience!

Albert: Miss Markowitz did not show up in Queens yesterday.

Murray: So?

Albert: Her parents are quite upset. I am quite upset. Where is she?

Murray: She's hiding in the closet.

Albert: We're really all quite anxious to know where she is.

Murray: Well, I'm not kidding, Albert. She's in the closet.

Albert: [Goes to closet, opens door, looks in, closes door, walks back] She is in the closet.

Murray: I wouldn't lie to you, Albert.

Albert: Why is she in the closet?

Murray: Well, I don't know. She's got this thing about closets.

Albert: That's a very silly thing for her to be in that closet.

Murray: Well, don't knock it until you've tried it.

Albert: I was not aware that Nicholas was an O.W. child.

Murray: O.W.?

Albert: Out of wedlock.

Murray: For a moment there, I thought you meant prisoner of war. I think it's that natural warmth of yours, Albert, that leads me to misunderstand.

Albert: Would you care to describe the circumstances under which you left the employ of...

Murray: I quit.

Albert: You felt that this was not the work for you.

Murray: No, I felt that I wasn't reaching all the boys and girls out there in television land. Actually, it was not so much I wasn't reaching the boys and girls, but the boys and girls were starting to reach me. Six months ago a perfectly adult bartender asked me if I'd like an onion in my martini, and I said, "Gosh and gollies, you betcha!" Well, I knew it was time to quit.

Albert: ...after I leave here... from this place... from your mind. And regardless of what you think of me...

Murray: I think you're a dirty O.W.

Albert: [slight pause] And do you know what you are? Maladjusted!

Murray: Ooh!

[Strikes heart and sinks to the floor]

Albert: Look... I just wanted to say...

Georgina: Yes! He's a man. He's Jewish and he's from Ethiopia!

Albert: What?

Georgina: His mother is a Roman Catholic, he's been imprisoned in South Africa, he's as black as the ace of spades and he probably drinks his own pee!

Albert: What you've got to realize is that the clever cook puts unlikely things together, like duck and orange, like pineapple and ham. It's called 'artistry'. You know, I am an artist the way I combine my business and my pleasure: Money's my business, eating's my pleasure and Georgie's my pleasure, too, though in a more private kind of way than stuffing the mouth and feeding the sewers, though the pleasures are related because the naughty bits and the dirty bits are so close together that it just goes to show how eating and sex are related. Georgie's naughty bits are nicely related, aren't they, Georgie?

Albert: I think those Ethiopians enjoy starving. Keeps them thin and graceful.

Albert: Circumsized mediocrity is screwing my wife!

Albert: Looks like catfood for constipated French rabbits!

Albert: What are you doing in there, Georgie? You playin' with yourself? That's not allowed. That's my property, you're not allowed to fiddle with it. Now come on, open the door, I'll show you how to wipe yourself.

Albert: Now I've given you a good dinner, you can have a nice drink.

[Cut to opening scene, Albert's gang has Roy nude, smeared feces on his body, strapped to the ground, and Albert pisses on him]

Albert: Now, I'll give you a good dinner. You're gonna have a nice clean. Now, you behave yourself in the future and pay for what I ask you or next time I'm gonna make you eat your own shit

Albert: For Christ's sake, Jack!

Jack Carter: You knew what I'd do, didn't you Albert?

Albert: I didn't kill him!

Jack Carter: [stabs Albert] I KNOW YOU DIDN'T KILL HIM! I KNOW!

Albert: Hello, Bobby.

Party Host: And Sister?

Albert: Thana.

Party Host: That's a charming name. Is that Greek?

Albert: It's Greek to you, Bobby.

Albert: How long have I been working here. I tell you everything that goes on in this hospital. Everything.

Cooper: Lately I've been filled with the knowledge that the killer will strike again. But because it is just a feeling, I am powerless to stop it. One more thing, Albert. When the next murder happens, you will help me solve it.

Albert: Let's test it for the record. Will the next victim be a man or a woman?

Cooper: A woman.

Albert: All right. What color hair will she have?

Cooper: Blonde.

Albert: Tell me some other things about her.

Cooper: She's in high school. She is sexually active. She is using drugs. She's crying out for help.

Albert: Well damn, Cooper, that really narrows it down. You're talking about half the high school girls in America!

Gordon: HE'S GONE! HE'S GONE! ALBERT, CALL THE FRONT DESK!

Albert: I've got the front desk now. He was never here.

Jeffries: Well now, I'm not gonna talk about Judy. In fact, we're not gonna talk about Judy at all, we're gonna keep her out of it.

Cooper: [bewildered] Gordon?

Gordon: I KNOW, COOP!

Jeffries: Who do you think this is there?

Albert: Suffered some bumps on the old noggin, hey, Phil?

Gordon: WHAT THE HELL DID HE SAY THERE, ALBERT? THAT'S SPECIAL AGENT DALE COOPER! FOR GOD'S SAKES, JEFFRIES, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? YOU'VE BEEN GONE DAMN NEAR TWO YEARS!

Jeffries: The stories that I wanna tell you about...

Celie: [lunging towards Albert with a knife] I curse you. Until you do right by me everything you think about is gonna crumble!

Sofia: Don't do it Mrs. Celie. Don't trade places with what I been through.

Shug: Come on, Celie, let's go to the car.

Sofia: He ain't worth it, he ain't worth it.

Albert: Who you think you is? You can curse nobody. Look at you. Your black, you're poor, you're ugly, you're a woman, you're nothing at all!

Celie: Until you do right by me, everything you even think about gonna fail!

Grady: It's been a pleasure meeting all of you. Good-bye.

Harpo: Who this, Pa? Who this?

Albert: The woman that shoulda been yo' mammy.

Shug: [after telling Albert that she and her husband are leaving] Celie is coming with us.

Albert: What?

Shug: Celie is coming with us to Memphis.

Albert: Over my dead body.

Shug: You satisfied? That what you want?

Albert: [to Celie] NOW What's wrong with you?

Celie: You a low down dirty dog, that's what's wrong. Time for me to get away from you, and enter into Creation. And your dead body'd be just the welcome mat I need.

Vaughan Cunningham: Listen, everyone, I've had a few glasses of wine and that tends to make me emotional. It came over me in a rush. I just want you to know that I care about each and every person at this table.

Linda: Thank you, Vaughan. We care about you too, don't we?

Melinda, Frank, Albert: Yes.

Karl: Yes, Sir.

Albert: Thought is real. Physical is the illusion. Ironic, huh ?

Albert: So what is the "me"?

Chris Nielsen: My brain, I suppose.

Albert: Your brain? Your brain is a body part. Like your fingernail or your heart. Why is that the part that's you?

Chris Nielsen: Because I have sort of a voice in my head, the part of me that thinks, that feels, that is aware that I exist at all.

Albert: So if you're aware you exist, then you do. That's why you're still here.

Albert: Soul mates. It's extrememly rare but it exists. Sort of like twin souls tuning into each other. Apparently even in death.

Chris Nielsen: Where is God in all of this?

Albert: Oh, He's up there. Somewhere... shouting down that He loves us. Wondering why we can't hear Him. You think?

Albert: You don't understand.

Chris Nielsen: It's not about understanding... it's about *not* giving up!

Albert: Are you loosing your fear?

Chris Nielsen: Fear?

Albert: That you disappeared? You didn't, you only died.

Albert: Chris, "here" is big enough for everyone to have their own private universe.

Chris Nielsen: I need Annie.

Albert: That'll change in time.

Chris Nielsen: Oh come on, Einstein! Time's not on my watch anymore. Time does not exist here. And wherever it went, it's not going to make me need Annie any less.

Albert: Bring Mom back. You can do it. I believe in you. Did you ever stop to think why I became Albert? He was the only man you ever listened to. Listen to me now. Think of Mom.

Albert: Drink your coffee.

Chris Nielsen: Needs milk.

Albert: Don't push your luck.

Hawkins: [comes out of Dracula's castle] Some man is in there with a stake through his heart.

Albert: Scary.

Hawkins: [looks at Van Helsing] You know anything about this?

Prof. Von Helsing: Yes, I did it.

Hawkins: Who is he in there?

Prof. Von Helsing: His name's Count Dracula.

Hawkins: How long has he been dead?

Prof. Von Helsing: About 500 years.

[last lines]

Albert: [rants] FUCKING Bitch

Albert: I'm hungry!

Stanley: [to Albert] What about Tanya? Tanya, who you work with?

Michael: I thought she's seeing someone else.

Albert: She hangs out with Derek.

Stanley: She thinks he's a dick.

Michael: So how come she's going out with him?

Stanley: She's not going out with him.

Michael: That's not what she said when I asked her to go to the wedding with me.

Albert: Michael, you asked Tanya? Are there any girls I like that you haven't asked out?

Stanley: So you DO like her.

Albert: So? She hangs out with dickwick Derek and his homeboys, he's obviously the "someone else"!

Stanley: Or, she hangs out with Derek because she's lonely, cause the dickwick she likes doesn't know she exists.

Michael: How do you know all this?

Stanley: I'm not just a pair of fancy shoes, you know.

Albert: Man, we're gonna be banned from our own funerals.

Sefa: Let's go. Drive like the wind Bolo!

Bolo: My name is Paul.

Sefa: Bolo.

Albert: Bolo.

Michael: Bolo.

Stanley: Bolo.

Sefa, Albert, Michael, Stanley: PAUL!

[the guys propose to the Pastor to bring girls to the wedding]

Albert: It's so we're different people when these girls around. Even Sefa behaves when Leilani is with him, that's why he never takes her anywhere. Sione's like a little brother to us.

Michael: Especially me, sir.

Stanley: They're related.

Albert: And this is the last wedding we'd want to ruin.

Michael: Right, Sione?

[Sione shrugs]

Minister: Not just dates, not some girl foolish enough to say yes to a night out and free food. You must bring girlfriends.

Albert: Girlfriends?

Stanley: But Your Majesty, Albert hasn't had a girlfriend in 30 years!

Albert: Good one, Stanley.

Minister: Someone to whom you've made a commitment.

Michael: Commitment?

Minister: Commitment? Girlfriend? Other words you don't understand, huh?... You must find someone who sees the good in you. Bring her to my church on the day of Sione's wedding. Turn up alone, and Eugene will be more than happy to toss you into the street!

Albert: I have to go shopping.

Michael: Shopping for your mum?

Albert: Shopping for a hon-ay.

Albert: Et tu, Brute?

Sefa: What are you speaking Maori for?

Derek: T, sup girl. Sole, malo man.

Albert: Who you calling "sole"?

Derek: Hound dog in the fale.

Albert: Derek start speaking your own language, you come from Glenfield.

Derek: Sole man, I'm down. My boys growing up on my block, P.I. and proud represent. G-g-g- Gfield.

Albert: G-g-g Glenfield. Not Gfield.

Derek: Word. T, my crews hitting the Muddy Farmer after work. You up girl?

Albert: This will be your crew from the claims department.

Derek: Sole don't be a hater, be a player congratulator.

Derek: When you come to my fale you check what you bringing at the door.

Albert: Bringing what?

Derek: That.

Albert: WHAT?

Derek: That attitude. You check that at the door or yo get my jandel on yo mouf!

Albert: She smiled at me. She likes me.

Stanley: How can you tell? By the flirtatious way she's ignoring you?

Albert: [Out drinking with Princess and the Duckrockers] I feel less than ideal...

[throwing up in the restroom]

Albert: ... Do I still look cool...?

Stanley: Yeah... you hardly look wasted bro'.

Derek: Albert.

Albert: Derek.

Derek: Sole man, where you going?

Albert: Inside to talk to Tanya and stop calling me Sole, alright?

Derek: Why?

Albert: What do you mean why? Cause you're white not Samoan.

Derek: Nah, I mean why you wanna talk to Tanya?

Albert: That's none of your business.

Derek: [looks strangely at Albert] You disrespecting me?

Albert: [laughing] Hey?

Derek: Comin on my turf, getting all up on my girl. Sole man, you know how we do it in the hood.

[Sefa and the gang laugh]

Michael: [laughing] Just hit the prick Albert.

Albert: Derek, this is not a Michael Jaskson video okay? So stop being a dick and get out of my way.

Albert: Is your goddamn mother at home? I'm not going to eat you, you silly bitch.

Albert: Do you realize that, all over the Australian bush, fathers are bashing their daughters like there's no tomorrow?

Albert: You look more like a cow than my late wife, no offense, I'm very fond of cows.

Albert: If you don't let her go, she'll get smaller and smaller.

Leonora: I had a daughter once, a very unusual child.

Albert: What happened to her?

Leonora: She vanished.

[snaps her fingers]

Albert: [Confronting Leonora on the beach] You don't look like my late wife at all. She was well-bred and rather frail... except for her famous mammalia - oh, excuse me, that's a private joke in questionable taste. Still, sometimes one has to choose between good taste and being a human being. You look more like a cow than my late wife. Oh, no offense, I'm very fond of cows. "Moooo..." Also, she had no cousins - - I beg your pardon, she had one: James. Obviously, you're not James. What do you want of my daughter?

Leonora: You have no right to ask me ANY questions!

Albert: "NO" right? You must be out of your mind! I'm her legal guardian.

Leonora: No, you're not!

Albert: Very well, I'm not... not yet. Not *legally.* I've had no time to make the necessary arrangements. I've been away. But I can assure you, I intend to take every step to insure my rights. Warner and Swazey are my attorneys. Who are yours?