Stan Quotes in Dante's Peak (1997)

Stan: Isn't this beautiful, nestled all nice and cozy right up against the mountain?

Nancy: Yeah, just like Pompeii.

Terry, USGS Crew: Stan, how long's this light been blinking?

Stan: I dunno, a couple of days?

Terry, USGS Crew: [realizing that this means Harry is still alive] Thank you NASA!

[others look at him quizically]

Terry, USGS Crew: Thank you NASA! Thank You NASA! THANK YOU NASA!

Terry, USGS Crew: Nice woman, that Rachel. Best looking mayor I've ever seen.

Stan: She's got my vote.

Terry, USGS Crew: Mmm-hmm, twice!

Stan: Where have you been? You missed the division meeting this morning.

Kevin: [to Stan] Uh, I'm on the phone Stan

[to phone]

Kevin: Go ahead.

Stan: Word is you haven't closed a file in a week. What's wrong brainiac? Can't seem to...

Kevin: Hey Stan? Eat shit, kay?

[back to phone]

Kevin: What? Oh nothing, just flushing my life down the toilet.

Stan: You know what?

Oliver: What?

Stan: I've got a clue. I think Mr. Hartley is just a bit cracked. Well, I ought to know.

Oliver: All inventors are like that - they're eccentric. They're not like you and me.

Stan: We buried you. There was a coffin, a gravestone... the whole thing.

Chuck Noland: I had a coffin?

[Stan nods]

Chuck Noland: Well what was in it?

Stan: So why did you kiss me last night?

Kelly: Stan, you kissed me.

Stan: So why didn't you tell me then?

Kelly: Because I didn't know.

Stan: Yes you did. You totally did. Ya know, and I totally saw it, 'cause after I kissed you, I saw it, you know? I saw... you left before you walked away.

Stan: That feels wonderful! Thank you so very much.

Grumpy Bear: Oh, you're very welcome, Mr. Jabberwalkie.

Stan: Call me Stan. It's much easier to say.

Saddam Hussein: Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.

Cartman: Hey, don't call me fat buttfucker!

[rays shoot from malfunctioning V-chip and kill a demon from hell]

Stan: Do it Cartman! Do it!

Cartman: Damn! Shit! Respect my fuckin' authoritayyy!

[shocks Saddam]

Saddam Hussein: You need to watch your mouth, brat.

Cartman: Dog-shit taco!

Saddam Hussein: Quick Satan! Do something!

Cartman: Try this on for size... Blood drenched frozen tampon popsicle!

Saddam Hussein: Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before. But don't worry - I can change!

Cartman: OK... not! Fuck, shit, cock, ass, titties, boner, bitch, muff, pussy, cunt, butthole, Barbra Streisand!

[person speaking German on "cliteris" website]

Kyle: Dude, it's a lady getting pooed on!

Stan: Whoa! Is it Cartman's mom?

Cartman: Oh, very funny!

Kyle: Hey! It IS Cartman's mom!

Mrs. Cartman: [man speaking German on computer] All righty then!

Cartman: SON OF A BI...

[shocks]

Cartman: AHHH!

Ike: [bounces in] Ba ba ba ba.

Kyle: Get out of here, Ike. You're too young for this stuff!

Ike: Bullshit.

Stan: What's she doing now?

German: Essen meine scheisse.

Mrs. Cartman: Okey-dokey!

Kyle, Stan, Cartman: [they see something gross] AWWWWWW!

Stan: [pukes] Click it off, dude, click it off!

[Kyle clicks it off]

Stan: Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?

Cartman: [to Kyle] Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!

Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?

Cartman: Jew?

Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass!

Mr. Garrison: Kyle!

Cartman: Why the fuck not?

Mr. Garrison: Eric!

Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!

Mr. Garrison: Stanley!

Kenny: Fuck!

Mr. Garrison: Kenny!

Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.

Mr. Garrison: [angrily] How would you like to go see the school counselor?

Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?

[the whole class gasps]

Mr. Garrison: [furiously] What did you say?

Cartman: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...

[Cartman picks up a megaphone]

Cartman: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, MR. GARRISON?

[Mr. Garrison is so furious that no word comes out of his mouth]

Stan: Holy shit, dude.

Cartman: You guys, this is all Kyle's mom's fault.

Kyle: Shut up, Cartman.

Cartman: Kyle's mom is the one that started that damn club and all because she's a big fat stupid bit...

Kyle: Don't say it, Cartman.

Cartman: Well...

Kyle: Don't do it, Cartman.

Cartman: Well...

Kyle: I'm warning you!

Cartman: Okay, okay.

Kyle: I'm getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a...

[gasps]

Cartman: Well... Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch, she a bitch to all the boys and girls.

Kyle: Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!

Cartman: On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday through Saturday she's a bitch, then on Sunday just to be different she's a super king kamehameha bee-otch! Come on, you all know the words. Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch! Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this.

[sings the song in four different languages]

Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!

[Mrs. Broflovski turns up, the children gasp and Cartman doesn't notice]

Cartman: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch!

Stan: Uh, Cartman?

Cartman: Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. I really mean it, Kyle's mom... She's a big fat fucking biiitch! Big old fat fucking bitch, that mom... Yeah! Chaa!

[the children stare at Cartman]

Cartman: What?

[Cartman turns around seeing Mrs. Broflovski]

Cartman: Oh... Fuck!

[singing]

Stan: What would Brian Boitano do if he was here right now? / He'd make a plan and follow through, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

Kyle: When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics skating for the Gold, / he did two salchows and a triple lutz while wearing a blindfold!

Cartman: When Brian Boitano was in the Alps fighting grizzly bears / he used his magical fire breath and saved the maidens fair!

Stan, Kyle: So what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today? / I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

Cartman: I want this V-chip out of me. / It has stunted my vocabulary.

Kyle: And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone.

Stan: For Wendy I'll be an activist too, / 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

Stan, Kyle, Cartman: And what would Brian Boitano do? He'd call all the kids in town / and tell them to unite for truth, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

[intermission]

Stan, Kyle, Cartman: When Brian Boitano traveled through time to the year 3010, / he fought the evil robot king and saved the human race again!

Cartman: And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids he beat up Kublai Khan!

Stan, Kyle, Cartman: 'Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit from anybody! / So let's call all the kids together / and unite to stop our moms. / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / 'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

[the boys have just watched an edited version of "Asses of Fire" and are leaving the theater with the other kids, past the ticket booth again]

Kyle: Man, this movie gets better every time I see it!

Ticket Taker: Hey!

Cartman: Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit. You can't do that.

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yeah, you can!

Cartman: [stops and turns] No way.

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. You can *too* light a fart on fire.

Cartman: Okay, Kenny. I'll bet you a hundred dollars you can't light a fart on fire.

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. Check it out.

[he lights his fart on fire and laughs; his parka suddenly erupts in flames and he screams in horror; the boys are shocked]

Stan: Holy shit, dude!

Cartman: Ah! Oh my God! Hey!

[begins beating Kenny with a stick]

Cartman: Aw, shit! Aw, shit!

Stan: [steps forward and yells] Help! Somebody do something!

[he steps back and the stick lights up]

Cartman: Aahh! This stick is on fire!

[an ambulance rushes up and stops, but a Russell's Salt truck rushes up and bumps it away; the truck bed lifts up at the front end and dumps the salt on Kenny; if the fire was injury, this is insult]

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Ooowww!

[the ambulance siren dies and the salt doesn't move; the boys stare at the truck]

Stan: Oh my God, you killed Kenny!

Kyle: You bastard!

Cartman: Wow, I guess you *can* light a fart on fire, huh?

Brian Dennehy: Did someone say my name?

Stan: Who are you?

Brian Dennehy: I'm Brian Dennehy.

Kyle: What? No, not fuckin' Brian Dennehy!

Stan: Get the fuck out of here!

Brian Dennehy: Oh. Bye.

Stan: Wait, before we put a message out, do a search on the word clitoris.

Kyle: Hmm OK Found: 8,000,000 pages found with the word clitoris.

Mr. Mackey: I want to know where you heard all this horrific obscenities, m'kay?

Kyle: Nowhere.

Stan: We heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.

Mr. Mackey: Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr Garrison ever said: "Eat penguin shit, you ass spelunker".

Chef: [singing] Everything worked out what a happy end. Americans and Canadians are friends again. So let's all join hands and knock oppression down.

Cartman, Kyle, Stan: Don't you know our little lives are now complete?

Mrs. Cartman, Sheila Broflovski: 'Cause Terrance and phillip are sweet.

Sheila Broflovski: Super sweet.

everyone: Thank God we live in this quiet, little pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mudhole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-driving, old-fashioned, hayseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, white trash...

Cartman, Kyle, Stan: Kick-ass!

everyone: Mountain... town!

The Mole: Now, did you bring the mirror?

Stan: Check!

The Mole: Did you bring the rope?

Stan: Check!

The Mole: Did you bring the buttfor?

Stan: What's a buttfor?

The Mole: For pooping, silly.

The Mole: If anything goes wrong, make a sound like a dying giraffe.

Stan: What's a dying giraffe sound like?

The Mole: WUUUUUaahhh! WUUUaaaaaaahhhhh!

Kyle: Hey, Mole, be careful.

The Mole: Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb?

Stan: Man, that kid is fucked up!

Cartman, Kyle, Stan: [singing] Why did our mothers start this war? What the fuck are they fighting for? When did this song become a marathon?

Stan: [singing] The sun is shining and the grass is green. / Under the three feet of snow, I mean.

Stan: But this is going to be the best movie ever! It's a foreign film from Canada.

Stan: Thank you Clitoris!

[Just finished watching Terrence and Phillip's motion picture]

Kyle: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!

Cartman: You bet your fuckin' ass it was!

Stan: Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrence and Phillip!

[all hyped and ready after singing a song]

Stan: Can I have FIVE tickets to Terence Phillip: Asses on Fire, please?

[pause]

Ticket Taker: No!

Stan: What do you mean no?

Ticket Taker: Terrance and Philip: Asses of Fire has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America, you have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.

Stan: But why?

Ticket Taker: Because this movie has naughty language! Next please.

Stan: Hey, guys. Do you know where I can find the clitoris?

Kyle: The what?

Cartman: What, is that like finding Jesus or something?

Stan: Hey, Mole. You know where the "clitoris" is?

The Mole: Ze what?

Stan: The "clitoris." I have to have to find the clitoris so I can get this Wendy girl to like me again.

[the Mole grasps Stan]

The Mole: Hey, you have to stop thinking with your dick! You have to be on your toes, because I am not going be grounded again. Not for you, not for anybody!

Stan: Chef, how do you make a woman like you more than any other guy?

Chef: Oh, that's easy. You just gotta find the clitoris.

Stan: Huh?

Chef: Whoops.

Stan: Listen Mr. homeless man, if you don't wanna buy us the tickets and not get your ten bucks and not buy yourself a bottle of vodka, then be my guest.

Homeless man: Six tickets please!

Stan: We're "La Resistance," we want to save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.

The Mole: I can't help you. I'm grounded in my room for the next three days.

Kyle: So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.

Stan: Why are you grounded?

The Mole: Why? Because God hates me, that's why. He has made my life miserable. So I call him a cock-sucking asshole, and I get grounded.

Stan: [singing] You see homeless people but you just don't care!

Cartman: Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?

Mr. Mackey: What?

Cartman: What's the big fucking deal, bitch?

Stan: Yeah!

everyone: [singing] Thank God we live in this quiet, little, pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mudhole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-driving, old-fashioned, hayeseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, white trash, kick-ass! Mountain town!

Stan: [pointing at Kenny in the sky] Look.

Stan: Hey you guys I found the clitoris. I think I can get Wendy to like me again.

Cartman: Yeah I guess all's well that end's well. We can go home now. You dipshit!

[first lines]

Stan: [singing] There's a bunch of birds in the sky. And some deers just went running by.

Doorman: [Ollie rings the doorbell] What do you want?

Ollie: We'd like to see the Baron - Baron Munchausen.

Doorman: What's your business?

Ollie: Well, you see, sir, it was like this: he bought some lions from us and uh, paid us with a check.

Stan: Yes, sir, we've been all over town trying to cash it.

[Ollie searches his pockets, while Stan takes the check from his own coat]

Doorman: [Ollie takes the check from Stan and hands the check to the doorman] 50,000 tiddly-winks?

Stan: Yes sir, the Baron told us that a tiddly-wink was worth a dollar-and-a-half in his country.

Ollie: That is, you understand, at the present rate of exchange.

[Ollie twiddles his tie and chuckles]

Doorman: You guys are screwy!

[the doorman re-enters the mansion, closing the door]

Doorman: [Ollie folds the check and puts it in his pocket, ringing the doorbell again] Now listen, if you guys ring that bell again, I'll break your arm off and stuff it down your throat!

Ollie: Heh heh heh heh, hmph.

Doorman: [Ollie rings the doorbell once more; the doorman rips a chime off the wall and goes to the door] Who rang the bell?

Ollie: I did.

[Doorman hits Ollie on the head with a chime]

Ollie: Oooh! Ooh, mmph, mmph.

[Stan touches Ollie's head to stop the ringing]

Ollie: Oooh! Ugh.

Stan: Are you going to stand for that?

Ollie: I should say not. He can't bluff me; I'm going to see the Baron if I have to stay here all night. We'll give him his check and take back our lions.

Stan: That's a good idea. We can get along without his old piddly-winks.

Ollie: Why, certainly.

Stan: We don't want his...

Ollie: Not piddly-winks, tiddly-winks.

[Ollie glances toward the camera, does a double take]

Ollie: "Piddly-winks"! Ummph!

Vinny Gambini: [Vinny is the lawyer, but Stan thinks he is there to sodomize him] Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' fucked one way or the other.

[Stan tries to get up]

Vinny Gambini: Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.

Stan: Gee thanks.

Vinny Gambini: Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.

Stan: You think I should be grateful?

Vinny Gambini: Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fuckin' knees.

Stan: I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.

Vinny Gambini: I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little fuck!

Stan: That's one hell of an ego you got.

Vinny Gambini: What the fuck is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.

Stan: I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.

Vinny Gambini: That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.

[Wakes up Bill]

Bill: Vinny. Vinny bag o' donuts.

Bill: We think they're trying to set us up as patsies, Ma. You know how corrupt it is down here. They all know each other.

Stan: The Klan's here. They're inbred. They sleep with their sisters.

[a deputy glares at him]

Stan: Some of them do.

Bill: At my cousin Ruthie's wedding, the groom's brother was that guy Alakazam. You know who I'm talking about?

Stan: The magician with the ponytail?

Bill: Right. Well, he did his act, and every time he made something disappear, Vinny jumped on him. I mean, he nailed him! It was like, "it's in his pocket", or "he's palming it", you know? Or, "there's a mirror under the table." I mean, he was like, he was like, "wait a second, wait a second, it's joined in the middle, and there's a spring around it, it pops it open when it's inside the tube." It was like Alakazam's worst nightmare. Vinny was just being Vinny. He was just being the quintessential Gambini.

Stan: You're fired!

[to his public defender attorney after seeing Vinny demolish the first witness]

Stan: [Stands and points to Vinny] I want HIM!

Stan: Why didn't you ask them any questions?

Vinny Gambini: Huh? Ask who questions?

Bill: The witnesses! You know you could have asked questions, didn't you, Vin?

Stan: Damn it, Vinnie! Maybe if you'd put up some kind of a fight, you could have gotten the case thrown out!

Vinny Gambini: Hey, Stan, you're in Ala-fuckin'-bama. You come from New York. You killed a good ol' boy. There is no way this is not going to trial!

Stan: The laws are medieval down here. Do you know what the minimum age for execution is in Alabama?

Bill: What, sixteen?

Stan: Ten!

Bill: You have to see the Gambinis in action. I mean, these people, they love to argue. I mean, they live to argue.

Stan: My parents argue too, it doesn't make them good lawyers.

Bill: Stan, I've seen your parents argue. Trust me, they're amateurs.

Bill: We should get tuna.

Stan: Please, no more tuna.

Bill: It has protein, we need protein.

Stan: Beans have protein.

Bill: Beans make you fart.

Stan: We got a convertible.

Bill: Uh oh. His lights are on.

Stan: Fuck. Fuck. Goddammit. Fuck.

Stan: [Mike tries to stand up to Stan's bullying for Alex] Give me my ball back bitch.

Mike O' Donnell: You know Stan I feel sorry for you.

Stan: You don't know me.

Mike O' Donnell: Oh, but I do all too well. You're the man. Captain of the basketball team, dates the pretty girls, high school is your kingdom. But people, Stan is a bully. Why? It'd be way too easy to say Stan preys on the weak simply because he's a dick. No... no... Stan here is much more complex than that. See, according to leading psychiatrists, Stan is a bully for one of three reasons...

Mike O' Donnell: [while playing with Stan's basketball] One... underneath all that male bravado, there's an insecure little girl banging on the closet door trying to get out. Two... like a caveman, Stan's brain is underdeveloped. Therefore, Stan is unable to use self-control. And so he acts out aggressively. Three... Stan has a small wiener. Don't hurt yourself, big boy.

Stan: [after Mike's speech about abstinence and making love, the girls put the free condoms back in the basket] I don't need this.

Stan: [grabs a bunch of condoms from the basket] Great, fine. more for me, i got enough for the whole weekend.

Stan: You don't talk like a kid.

Young Gil Buckman: Yeah, well I'm not really a kid.

Stan: You're not a duck.

Young Gil Buckman: This is a memory of when I was a kid. I'm 35 now. I have kids of my own. You don't even really exist. You're an amalgam.

Stan: A what?

Young Gil Buckman: A combination of several ushers my dad left me with over the years. I combined them into one memory.

Stan: Why?

Young Gil Buckman: This was a great symbolic moment of my life. My father dumping me with you... it's why I swore things would be different with my kids. It's my dream. Strong, happy, confident kids.

Stan: That's great, that's great. You know, you - you got a lovely family, and I'm a god-damn amalgam!

Stan: It's up to you, kid. We can be friends, or we can be enemies. What's it gonna be?

Walter: [looks down, thinking, then looks up] Defend yourself!

Stan: What?

Stan: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.

Reg: But you can't have babies.

Stan: Don't you oppress me.

Reg: Where's the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?

Mrs. Big Nose: [a crowd is listening to Jesus speak] Don't pick your nose!

Mr. Big Nose: I wasn't pickin' my nose! I was scratchin' it!

Mrs. Big Nose: You was pickin' it, while you was talkin' to that lady!

Mr. Big Nose: I wasn't!

Mrs. Big Nose: Leave it alone! Give it a rest!

Stan: Do you mind? I can't 'ear a word he's sayin'!

Mrs. Big Nose: Don't you 'Do you mind' me! I was talkin' to my 'usband!

Stan: Well, go and talk to 'im somewhere else! I can't 'ear a bloody thing!

Mr. Big Nose: Don't you swear at my wife!

Stan: I was only askin' 'er to shut up, so we can 'ear what he's sayin', 'Big Nose'.

Mrs. Big Nose: Don't you call my 'usband 'Big Nose'!

Stan: Well, he 'as got a big nose!

Man #1: [trying to hear Jesus] Would you be quiet, please. What was that?

Stan: I don't know; I was too busy talkin' to 'Big Nose'.

Man #2: I think it was: 'Blessed are the cheese-makers'!

Wife: What's so special about the cheese-makers?

Husband: Well, obviously, it's not meant to be taken literally - it refers to any manufacturer of... dairy products.

Stan: See? If you 'adn't been goin' on, we'd 'ave 'eard that, 'Big Nose'!

Mr. Big Nose: Say that once more - I'll smash your bloody face in!

Stan: Better keep listening; might be a bit about 'Blessed are the Big Noses'.

Brian: Lay off him!

Stan: Oh, you're not so bad yourself, conk-face... Where are you two from? 'Nose City'?

Mr. Big Nose: One more time, mate! I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners!

Mrs. Big Nose: Language! And don't pick your nose!

Stan: Listen I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose.

Mr. Big Nose: Hey. Your nose is going to be three foot wide accross your face by the time I'm finished with you!

Francis: Why are you always on about women, Stan?

Stan: I want to be one.

Reg: What?

Stan: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.

Reg: What?

Stan: It's my right as a man.

Judith: Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?

Stan: I want to have babies.

Reg: You want to have babies?

Stan: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.

Reg: But... you can't have babies!

Stan: Don't you oppress me!

Reg: I'm not oppressing you, Stan! You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?

Stan: [starts to cry]

Baby Store Sales Clerk: [Looking at baby strollers] It's a bit overwhelming huh?

Stan: There are so many and they are so... big!

Baby Store Sales Clerk: Well they have to be big, 2 babies right?

Stan: Yeah but babies are small, these are for like giant mutant babies

Baby Store Sales Clerk: Well you should see some of the babies that come in here, total fatasses

Stan: I love you.

Zoe: [throws up into sink]

Stan: Not the answer I was looking for.

Stan: it's been 2 weeks now, all she ever wants to do is sleep with that pillow!

Playground Dad: The pillow is a bitch, its totally replacing you right?

Stan: Totally completely, she drags it everywhere.

Playground Dad: My wife, she drew eyes on hers so when i went to make a move in the middle of the night the pillow is staring at me, like uh uh bro, I don't think so.

Zoe: [Zoe gets in a taxi cab] Oh, excuse me this is my cab

Stan: What you own it?

Zoe: No, but I'm about to rent it

Stan: We're not done here. I'm setting boundaries. No more allowance.

Hope: Are you insane? Why are you insane?

Stan: Hope Annabelle, let's de-escalate, shall we?

Hope: You're cutting off my allowance and you want me to stop stealing? What kind of a sick monster are you?

Stan: Do not call me a monster.

Hope: You only give me $500 a week, so I'm forced to steal! If you cut off my allowance, I'm gonna have to suck dicks in a Cost Final bathroom for money! Is that what you want, Dad? Do you want me to suck on dirty dicks in a discount warehouse toilet?

Stan: Look, I never said that dirty dicks were the solution here. Why do you need all this money if I'm paying for the roof over your head?

Stan: Hello?

Hope: Hey, it's me. Guess who the new team coordinator is. Lance The Fucker Tucker.

Stan: Who?

Hope: The guy who popped my cherry.

Stan: Don't give him that power, honey. Remember, you're a gymnast and your hymen broke without the help of a man.

Hope: Fine. The one who was the first to fuck me. He said he's gonna take Maggie away from me 'cause the little cunt blew her routine.

Stan: No. What? Why did she blow her routine?

Hope: Because she sucks!

Stan: Hey, Alex, could you pass me the false alarms? I mean, the peas.

Robert 'Fish' Fishman: Can I have everyone's attention. Me and my band are going to be playing at the Q Arena, and it is never to late to rock!

Stan: YEAH!

Robert 'Fish' Fishman: YEAH!

Stan: Yeah!

Robert 'Fish' Fishman: It is never to late to rock n' roll!

Stan: Alright, alright. Come on guys, stage dive. Stage dive!

Robert 'Fish' Fishman: Stage dive!

Stan: Yeah, we'll body surf you out the front door.

Robert 'Fish' Fishman: Rock n' roll.

Robert 'Fish' Fishman: Ow ow ow, watch my carpal tunnel.

Stan: Love is just lust in disguise, and lust fades, so you damn well better be with someone who can stand you.

Stan: Fear is the main motivation for everything. That and guilt, are the two emotions that keep a society humming.

Jackie: Billy, Stan got new glasses.

[to Stan]

Jackie: Show him your glasses.

[to Bill]

Jackie: He don't like 'em.

Stan: Get ready, Bill.

[puts glasses on]

Bill: You look like an idiot.

Stan: Go fuck, Billy!

[Stan is in a commerical]

Stan: You don't like me because I sign autographs.

[hits a baseball]

Stan: You don't like me because I tell you what's on my mind.

[Hits another baseball]

Stan: But you love me because I am the greatest hitters alive!

[swings a few more hits]

Tom Arnold: Hey, we're sorry about all that stuff we said before you hit that homer...

Stan: Yeah, you wouldn't be anywhere if it wasn't for Roseanne.

Stan: Pitch to me!

Norton: Reach out there and get it.

Minadeo: Stan Ross! You're batting 8th!

Stan: 8th! That's for banjo hitters. I never batted lower than 5th in my life.

Fukuda: You bat there now, you son of my dick.

Stan: Stan, you're going to be the best looking cat in the Hall of Fame, that's for dog gone sure.

Stan: You don't take care of bills by stuffing them in a shoebox!... We'll do less entertaining! And there is no reason on God's green earth that we have to have chocolate milk in the fridge at all times! Or French goddamn roast goddamn coffee, with goddamn cinnamon!

Stan: You're light as air.

Darcy: Yeah, so is a blimp.

Stan: But a blimp can't dance.

Doctor: [after the baby's birth] Stan, would you like to cut the cord?

Stan: Isn't there someone a little more qualified?

Stan: [in the labor room] Do the pattern breathing, come on.

Darcy: Screw the pattern breathing, I want a painkiller!

Stan: College? What are you from, outer space?

Stan: I'll settle for big.

Darcy: How could you name our baby Theodosia?

Stan: We needed a name for a the birth certificate, I asked you what you wanted!

Darcy: It sounds like a greek fishing boat, or a crater on the moon or something!

Stan: Oh no, my wife is not gonna get a job!

Darcy: Oh great Stan, you sound just like Fred Flintstone.

Darcy: I tried on my dress, for the prom, I look like a Thanksgiving Day float. I'm also itchy everywhere, my ankles are fat, there's something hanging out of my butt, the article's not going well and now I have to get a haircut.

Stan: There's something hanging out of your what?

Darcy: Well, when you're pregnant, sometimes you get hemorroids, okay?

Stan: Bummer.

Darcy: [going to the prom] Stan, it took me ten minutes to get out of the car. How am I going to make it on the dance floor?

Stan: Simple, I rented a forklift.

Stan: Why don't we just keep it.

Mr. Babrucz: Grow up! You had a gerbil last year, you forgot to feed it, it died. This baby is going up for adoption, period.

Donna Elliot: No. Darcy is not going to lug this baby around for nine months and get stretch marks so you could give it up to Catholic charities.

Mary Bobrucz: Mom, what are stretch marks?

Mr. Babrucz: Stretch marks are the badge of a real woman.

[Mrs. Babrucz covers her face, embarrassed]

Amy: Whose happiness are you buying?

Stan: Mine.

Jeff: You can't be an unfuckable asshole, you have to be discreet. You have to... you have to say things to women that appear nice, at first...

Stan: Very discreet.

Jeff: Right, they appear nice, but really they're kind of mean.

Stan: Buddy, my whole life I listened to ya' bellyache about your luck. Well, you are where you are because of who you are.

Buddy Young, Jr.: I didn't take your life, Stan. I gave you one.

Stan: Yeah, but you coulda been nicer.

Oliver: Well, fan my brow! I'm from the South!

Mary Roberts: You are?

Stan: Well, shut my mouth! I'm from the South too!

Oliver: The South of what, sir?

Stan: The South of London.

Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: Tell me, tell me about my dear, dear Daddy! Is it true that he's dead?

Stan: Well, we hope he is, they buried him.

Stan: Your hat's dry.

Oliver: Oh that reminds me, you made a statement this afternoon.

Stan: Did I?

Oliver: Mmm-hmmm. You said if we didn't get the deed, you'd eat my hat.

Stan: Oh, now you're taking me literally.

Oliver: Nevertheless, I'm going to teach you not to make rash promises.

[Puts hat in his lap]

Oliver: Eat the hat.

Stan: Oh that's silly. Whoever heard of anybody eating a hat?

Oliver: Whoever heard of anybody doing *that*.

[Immitates Stan's thumb lighter gimmick]

Oliver: Eat the hat!

Stan: [Gives it back] I won't do it.

Oliver: [Slams it back in his lap] If you don't eat that hat, I'll tie you to a tree and let the buzzards get you!

Stan: Would you really do that?

Oliver: I certainly would.

[Stan says something incoherant due to him crying]

Oliver: [Showing no sympathy] Eat it.

Ollie: [Talking to Lola posing as Mary Roberts] Little lady, you've heard the worst. Now, prepare yourself for the best. Now cheer up. Smile. That's right. Remember: ''every cloud has a silver lining''.

Stan: [in an attempt to wax poetic like Ollie] That's right - any bird can build a nest, but it isn't every one that can lay an egg.

Ollie: We'll all go down to Dixie. Oh, for a slice of possum and yam. Mm!

Stan: Yes sir, and some good old fish and chips. I can smell 'em.

Ollie: [disgusted] Fish and chips!

Sheriff: [having just gotten a tearful earful from his distraught wife about The Boys' having romantically harassed her on the coach] Fiddlin', huh?

Oliver: [absent-mindedly nods in agreement, then hastily shakes his head rapidly and forcefully, realizing that he should not be admitting to any wrongdoing]

Sheriff: Well... we don't like your kind around these parts! And there's one thing in this here town - - we DON'T allow! And that's messing with our women! Now, if you want to stay healthy, you'll catch the next coach out of town.

Oliver: Yes, sir. We'll be right on our way just as soon as we finish up with our business.

Sheriff: And if you MISS the next coach...

Sheriff: [draws revolver]

Sheriff: You'll be riding out of here in a HEARSE!

Sheriff: [slides the gun back into his holster with an angry shove] G'day, strangers!

[walks away huffily]

Stan: [with an innocently cheerful friendly wave after the departing sheriff, showing that he fails to grasp the gravity of the situation] Goodbye...!

Oliver: [hastiy shushing him] Let well enough alone!

Lola Marcel: It can't be. What did he die of?

Stan: I think he died of a Tuesday, or was it a Wednesday?

Stan: Do you mind if I have another idea?

Ollie: If it's anything like the last one, yes.

Stan: We want to know why you're not Mary Roberts!

Stan: Wait a minute, while I spit on me hands.

Mickey Finn: I'm Mary's legal guardian. What do you want to see her for?

Ollie: [smiling and shutting his eyes in his famous charming disarming way] Well, sir, we aren't supposed to talk about that to anyone else.

Stan: [attempting to speak in a serious, slightly self-important tone, but obviously just blabbing away carelessly] Yeah, you see, it's PRIVATE. Her father died and left her a gold mine, and we're not supposed tell it to anyone but her, right Ollie?

Ollie: [looking disgusted at Stan's stupidity] Now that he's taken you into our CONFIDENCE...

[gives Stan an annoyed shove]

Ollie: You might as well know the rest!

Mickey Finn: [the real Mary knocks at the door] Who's there?

Mary Roberts: Mary.

Stan: Mary who?

Mickey Finn: [nervously] Mary - Merry Christmas. Ohhh...

[opens the door]

Mary Roberts: Excuse me, Mr. Finn, one of these gentlemen dropped this at the foot of the stairs.

Ollie: [takes the deed from her hands, not recognizing her as the real Mary] Oh, oh why thank you, little lady, you don't know what you've done, thanks!

Mickey Finn: [shows Mary out of the room, closing the door] All right, all right, all right.

Ollie: [hands the deed to Lola, unaware that she's pretending to be Mary] There you are: signed, sealed, and now delivered.

Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: Oh, thank you so much.

Ollie: Not at all.

[Mickey Finn utters a sigh of exhausted relief]

Ollie: Come Stanley, we'd better be going.

Stan: Oh say, what about the locket?

Ollie: That's right I...

Stan: We've got something else for you.

Ollie: I almost forgot it.

[puts on his derby and loosens his necktie]

Ollie: And besides that...

[unbuttons his shirt and takes out the locket]

Ollie: your father left you this family heirloom.

Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: Oh yes, I - I remember it well.

Ollie: Help me get it off, Stanley.

[Ollie loosens his collar while Stan tries to take the locket chain off of Ollie's neck by pulling it up around his chin]

Stan: Am I hurting you?

Ollie: No, just a minute.

Stan: Won't be long.

[Stan tries again to take the chain off of Ollie]

Stan: Maybe I'd better try and open it again.

Ollie: I think so.

[Stan loosens Ollie's collar to get to the clasp]

Stan: It slipped.

[Stan unbuttons Ollie's shirt]

Stan: Maybe you'd better take your coat off.

Ollie: [starts to take off his coat] Pardon me just a minute.

[Stan removes Ollie's necktie and collar; Ollie takes his suspenders off and the locket falls down his trousers leg to the floor]

Ollie: [Stan reaches up Ollie's back and finds a thread, Ollie breaks the thread and discovers an unraveled undergarment] We'll find it in just a moment.

[Ollie takes off his shirt, and Stan notices the locket on the floor and picks it up]

Ollie: We got it.

[Stan hands the locket to Lola]

Ollie: I'm gonna go in and change, pardon us.

[Ollie goes into the bedroom to put his clothes back on, and Stan follows]

Stan: [Ollie lays his clothes on the bed, Stan sits down] Say Ollie?

Oliver: What?

Stan: Now that you've got your clothes off, why don't you take a bath?,

Oliver: Would you mind leaving the room? Can't I ever have a little privacy?

Stan: I was just trying to kill two birds with one stone.

Mickey Finn: [in the living room] And I'll take care of those two bozos and get them out of town.

Lola Marcel: [Stan opens the door and overhears Lola talking to Mickey] Don't worry, leave everything to me. I've done pretty good up to now, haven't I?

Stan: You certainly have, I wish you were in my shoes.

Mickey Finn: Eh-hrm, oh how about a drink on the house?

Oliver: That suits me fine.

Stan: How'd you get dressed so quick?

Oliver: None of your business.

[Finn goes to open his front door]

Oliver: Goodbye Miss Roberts, and thanks for the use of your boudoir.

Lola Marcel: You're very welcome.

Stan: Goodbye. Now that you've got the mine, I bet you'll be a swell gold-digger.

[Ollie pushes Stan out the door as Finn leaves the room]

Lola Marcel: [Lola examines the deed as Finn re-enters the room a moment later, hiding the deed behind her back] What did you leave them for?

Mickey Finn: I'll send her right up, you have her sign that deed over to us.

Lola Marcel: Oh, don't worry about me, get those guys out of town, and pronto!

Mickey Finn: All right!

[Finn goes down to the saloon]

Lola Marcel: What a cinch!

Lead Singer of the Avalon Boys: On a mountain in Virginia / Stands a lonesome pine / Just below is the cabin home / Of a little girl of mine

Oliver: Her name is June and very, very soon / She'll belong to me / For I know she's waiting there for me / 'Neath that lone pine tree

Stan, Oliver: In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine / In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine / Where she carved her name and I carved mine / Oh June, just like the mountains, I'm blue / Like the pine, I am lonesome for you

Stan, Oliver: Oo, oo, oo

Stan, Oliver: In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine

Stan's Bass Singing (uncredited): [Stan starts singing in a deep bass voice] In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine / In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine / Where she carved her name and I carved mine /

[Ollie talks to the bartender, who gives him a mallet]

Stan's Bass Singing (uncredited): / Oh June, like the mountains I'm blue / Like the pine, I am lonesome for you

Stan's Falsetto Voice (uncredited): [Ollie hits Stan with a mallet; Stan's voice changes to a high falsetto] In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome piiiine

[song ends with Stan falling down; his head hits a cuspidor and he snores]

Ollie: [Mary comes downstairs] Goodbye, Miss... uh... Miss... uh...

Mary Roberts: Roberts, Mary Roberts.

Ollie: Goodbye, Miss Roberts.

Stan: Goodbye.

Ollie: [Stan and Ollie stop walking, Ollie does a double take] Did you hear what she said her name was?

Stan: Sure, Mary Roberts.

Ollie: How can she be Mary Roberts when we've just given the deed to Mary Roberts?

Stan: I don't know.

[Stan crushes out a cigar butt with his shoe]

Ollie: I smell a rat.

Stan: I smell something too.

[Stan discovers his shoe is smoking from the cigar butt, dunks his feet into the janitor's water pail]

Ollie: Come on.

[Stan and Ollie go back to the kitchen; they remove their hats]

Ollie: Pardon me, did you ever have a father by the name of Cy Roberts?

Mary Roberts: Why, yes. He left me here with these people years ago when he went prospecting.

Ollie: Well, who's that woman upstairs?

Mary Roberts: That's Lola Marcel, Mr. Finn's wife. She's my legal guardian now.

Stan: [Stan taps Ollie on the shoulder, and accidentally bangs his head on a hanging frying pan] Can I speak to you for a minute?

Ollie: Pardon us.

Stan: Yeah, we'll be right back.

[Stan and Ollie head for the main hall]

Stan: You know what?

Ollie: What?

Stan: I think we've given that deed to the wrong woman. That's the first mistake we've made since that guy sold us the Brooklyn Bridge.

Ollie: Oh, buying that bridge was no mistake. That's gonna be worth a lot of money to us someday.

Stan: Well, maybe you're right. We'd better go and get the deed.

Ollie: Say, maybe they won't give it back to us.

Stan: What do you mean, they won't give it back to us? We'll get that deed, or I'll eat your hat.

Ollie: That's what I call determination.

[Ollie shakes Stan's hand; they head upstairs]

Ollie: Come on.

Stan: [Ollie knocks on the door] Who's there?

Ollie: Me.

Stan: Me who?

Ollie: [annoyed] "Me who?"

[Ollie knocks again, this time on Mickey Finn's head]

Stan: [Ollie knocks on Mickey Finn's door] Who's there?

Ollie: Me.

Stan: Me, who?

Ollie: [annoyed at Stan's response] "Me, who?"

[Mickey Finn goes to the door, Ollie knocks on his head]

Mickey Finn: Well - What do you want?

Ollie: Out of my way, you snake in the grass!

[Ollie brushes Finn aside]

Stan: You toad in the hole.

[Stan yanks Finn's necktie, Finn kicks Stan in retaliation]

Lola Marcel: Say you slugs, what do you mean busting in here like this?

Stan: We want to know why you are not Mary Roberts.

Ollie: I'll take care of this matter.

Lola Marcel: So you got wise, huh? Well, if it's this deed you're after, you're just out of luck.

[Ollie grabs the deed from Lola, and a chase ensues]

Lola Marcel: Give that back to me!

Ollie: Take it, Stan!

[Ollie pursues Mickey Finn]

Ollie: Beat it!

[last lines]

Stan, Ollie, Mary Roberts: [singing] We're going to go, we're going to go / We're going to go way down in Dixie / Where the hens are doggone glad to lay / Scrambled eggs in the new-mown hay / We're going to see, we're going to see / We're going to see my home in Dixie / You can tell the world we're going to...

Ollie, Mary Roberts: D - I - X...

Stan: [music stops] I know how to spell it.

Ollie, Mary Roberts: [music resumes] Then we're going,

Stan: [sings separately] All right, we're going,

Ollie, Mary Roberts: You know we're going,

Stan: [sings] You bet we're going

Stan, Ollie, Mary Roberts: To our home in Dixie land / We're going to go way down in Dixie / Where the hens are doggone glad to lay / Scrambled eggs in the new-mown hay / We're going to see, we're going to see...

[song fades out as Ollie falls into the creek]

Lead Singer of the Avalon Boys: On a mountain in Virginia / Stands a lonesome pine / Just below is the cabin home / Of a little girl of mine

Oliver: Her name is June and very, very soon / She'll belong to me / For I know she's waiting there for me / 'Neath that lone pine tree

Stan, Oliver: In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine / In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine / Where she carved her name and I carved mine / Oh June, just like the mountains, I'm blue / Like the pine, I am lonesome for you

Oliver: Oo-oo-oo

Stan, Oliver: In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine

Stan's Bass Singing (uncredited): [Stan starts singing in a deep bass voice] In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine / In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine / Where she carved her name and I carved mine /

[Ollie talks to the bartender, who gives him a mallet]

Stan's Bass Singing (uncredited): / Oh June, like the mountains I'm blue / Like the pine, I am lonesome for you

Stan's Falsetto Voice (uncredited): [Ollie hits Stan with a mallet; Stan's voice changes to a high falsetto] In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome piiiine

[song ends with Stan falling down; his head hits a cuspidor and he snores]

Stan: Now that you've got your clothes off, why don't you take a bath.

Oliver: Would you mind leaving the room. Can't I ever have a little privacy?

Oliver: Well, I was just trying to kill two birds with one stone.

The Mule: Shhhhh!

Oliver: Shhhhh!

Stan: Shhhhh!

Stan: I've certainly got to hand it to you, Ollie.

Oliver: For what?

Stan: Well for the meticulous care with which you have executed your finely formulated machinations in extricating us from this devastating dilemma.

[Ollie looks at the camera, unamused]

Stan: Then, on the other hand...

Oliver: Get in bed.

Stan: What?

Oliver: Get in bed. "Meticulous." Hmph.

Oliver: Now why did you hire a veterinarian?

Stan: I didn't think his religion would make any difference.

[last lines]

Stan: [sings] Hololulu baby, won't you close those eyes.

[a pot is hurled at his head]

Oliver: Now isn't this nice?

Stan: It sure is. We're just like two peas in a pot.

Oliver: To catch a Hardy they've got to get up very early in the morning.

Stan: What time?

Oliver: Oh about half past - "What time." Hmph.

Oliver: Where is she?

Stan: Maybe she went to the mountains.

Oliver: I'll bet she did. You know she makes me sick.

Stan: Well if she didn't go to the mountains, then Mohammad would have to come here.

Lottie: Have you anything else to say?

Oliver: Why no. That's all there is. There isn't anymore. Is there Stanley?

Stan: No, that's our story and we're stuck with it. In it.

Oliver: You'd better take my temperature.

[pointing]

Oliver: Get that thermometer.

Stan: The what?

Oliver: Thermometer! You'll find it on the shelf.

[groaning]

Oliver: Ooh... ooh... ooh.

Oliver: [as Stan puts it in his mouth] Uh-um.

Oliver: [after Stan has taken his pulse] What does it say?

Stan: Wet and windy.

Stan: If you don't be careful, she's going to get the upper hand of you.

Betty: Stanley, is Oliver telling the truth?

Oliver: Go ahead and tell her.

[He mimes smoking a cigarette]

Betty: Is he?

Stan: [cries] No, we didn't go to Honolulu, we went to the convention...

[cries overtake his dialog... Oliver stares at the camera]

Oliver: Do you have to ask your wife everything?

Stan: If I didn't ask her, I wouldn't know what she wanted me to do.

Oliver: What did Betty say?

Stan: Betty said that honesty was the best politics.

Oliver: Why didn't you want to take the oath?

Stan: I was afraid.

Oliver: Of what?

Stan: I was afraid that if I took the oath, that my wife wouldn't let me go. And the Exhausted Ruler said that if... you took an oath, it would have to be broken for... generations and... centuries of... hundreds of years and my wife would let...

Oliver: Do you have to ask your wife everything?

Stan: Well if I didn't ask her, I wouldn't know what she wanted me to do.

Oliver: Why don't you pattern your life after mine? I go places and do things and *then* tell my wife. Every man should be the king in his own castle.

Stan: I may not be king of my castle, but I certainly wouldn't allow my wife to wear any pants. I'd like to see my old woman throwing things. It's disgraceful. Never heard of such goings off. On. If my old ball and chain ever talked to me... If she even dared... You know what I'd say?

Oliver: What?

Stan: I'd say...

[Sees Betty]

Stan: Hello, honey. I...

[Double takes]

Dr. Horace Meddick: What seems to be the trouble?

Stan: I think he's suffering from a nervous shakedown.

Oliver: Never mind what she said. What did Betty say?

Stan: Honesty is the best politics.

Stan: Do you think your wife would mind if I smoked my pipe?

Oliver: Of course not. What's all right with me is okay with her.

Stan: I know, but a lot of dames are particular.

Oliver: Well yes, but... What do you mean calling my wife a dame?

[repeated line]

Stan: There's going to be a fight.

Stan: You remember how dumb I used to be?

Oliver: Yeah?

Stan: Well, I'm better now.

Stan: If you want me to go, I'll stay as long as you like.

Stan: How long did you say it would take us to get up there?

Oliver: Oh, just a jiffy.

Stan: How far is a jiffy?

Oliver: About three shakes of a dead lamb's tail.

Stan: I didn't think it was so far.

Oliver: [Ollie's house key, attached to his pants, is stuck in the lock, so to free Ollie, he had to remove his pants; Stan easily removes the key from the lock] Why didn't you tell me you had the key out of the lock?

Stan: Well, you didn't ask me.

Oliver: "You didn't ask me".

Stan: Gee, that's pretty underwear.

Oliver: Don't get personal.

Stan: No, you see, everybody thought I was dead. Didn't they?

Oliver: Um, hmm.

Lulu: How did you find out you weren't?

Stan: What's a knick-knack?

Oliver: Oh a knick-knack is a thing that sits on top of a whatnot.

Stan: [to 901 guy] There's going to be a fight.

Stan: [to bypassers] There's going to be a fight.

Stan: [to guy going into apartment] Hey, there's going to be a fight.

Stan: [to desk guy] You better call an ambulance. It's going to be terrible. There's going to be a fight.

Oliver: Why didn't you tell me you had two legs?

Stan: Well, you didn't ask me... I've always had 'em...

Oliver: [sarcastically] You're better now...

Student: Pardon me sir, but haven't you come to the wrong college?

Ollie: This is Oxford isn't it?

Student: Yes but, you're dressed for Eton

Stan: Just as well, we haven't eaten since breakfast

Stan: This joint is really screwy! There's a gent over there who just said he wants his salad served undressed!

Ollie: Well, you heard what he said - serve the salad undressed!

[last lines]

Stan: Ollie, where ya goin'?

Ollie: Back to America for me!

Stan: Ollie?

Ollie: What?

Stan: [starts to cry] You're going without me...

Ollie: Stan! You know me!

Stan: Well, of course I know you... What do you have, one of those dizzy spells?

Stan: Hey, Ollie look...

[spans the distance from England to America on a globe with his thumb and forefinger - about two inches]

Stan: We're only this far from home.

Ollie: [refering to the Dean] Have you ever seen a face like that anyhwere but in a zoo?

Stan: Sure... in a monkey house.

Ollie: A monkey house!

[laughs]

Ollie: I never thought of that!

Stan: He must have one of those dizzy spells.

Ollie: Yeah, he's a dizzy dean!

Ollie: [in the maze] Where are you?

Stan: I'm over here... where are you?

Ollie: I'm here.

Stan: How can you be here if I'm here?

Meredith: [speaking of Lord Paddington] And when he got angry, he would wiggle his ears in the most extraordinary fashion, and he would fight like a demon.

Ollie: Fight like demon...

[to Stan]

Ollie: Wiggle your ears.

Stan: Huh?

Ollie: [sternly] Wiggle your ears!

Stan: [Stan tries to wiggle his ears] I can't wiggle my ears.

Ollie: Of course not; it's another rib.

Ollie: [to Meredith about Stan] Brilliant mind?

[laughs]

Ollie: Why, I've known him for years, and he's the dumbest guy I ever saw. Aren't you, Stanley?

Stan: I certainly am!

Marv: It wasn't you losers who killed Goldie. The guy who did that knew what he was doing. Still, you got to have something to tell me. Like who it was who sent you.

[Marv pistol whips him]

Marv: I don't hear you giving me any name, jerk. Guess when I shot you in the belly, I aimed a little too high.

[shoots him in the crotch]

Marv: You keep holding out on me like this, and I'm going to have to get really nasty.

Stan: It was Telly Stern passed me the order. Runs the tables over at the Triple Ace Club.

Marv: Thanks again.

[Shoots him in the head]

Stan: Whatever she done, she done it out of the goodness of her heart!

Vera: I reckon that Reg would make a good husband to some nice girl.

Stan: Where's a bloke like that gonna meet someone?

Stan: You know what Vera's like. She finds a young fellow, lives on his own, no family. Wants him to move in with us, gives him his tea.

Frank: She's got a heart of gold that woman.

Stan: She's a diamond.

Frank: You're a lucky man.

Stan: What's all this about?

Det. Sergeant Vickers: We'll keep you posted.

Stan: I'm her husband. I've got a right to know.

Sid: You're asking me to forgive her?

Stan: Yes.

Sid: How could she do that?

Stan: I know you think she done a bad thing. But God knows, she's gonna get punished enough for what she done. We can't let her down.

Stan: [lecturing to class] Don't be seduced. Avoid psychological speculation related to the killer's intent. We may never know why he did what he did. He may never know. Treat the boundaries of the crime scene like a frame, and limit your analysis to what is presented within it. Sit with it, don't rush things, and above all, in your initial encounter with the crime scene, trust your own eye. Remember, all you really have is what the killer left behind - his work, his aesthetic, if you will.

Killer: A poison harms.

Stan: What?

Killer: A poison harms. It certainly does. You should know that - you've been poisoning yourself for years. Now that you've seen my work, I want some feedback. You and I both like the color blue, a pigment that was once quite precious. It's also the color of narcissism.

Stan: The truth depends on where you stand.

Stan: I used to touch things all the time when I'm down.

Sandy Strickland: That's why you're good at what you do.

Sandy Strickland: Let's go somewhere, away from here. Above ground, maybe. Like hiking? I'm going with some friends this weekend. You can come.

Stan: I'd love to, but... I gotta work.

Sandy Strickland: [sarcastically] That's shocking.

Stan: Another time.

Sandy Strickland: Probably... probably not.

Stan: You know I finally met a girl exactly like my mother dress like her, acts like her so I brought her home my Father doesn't like her!

[Stan and the audience start laughing]

Stan: Go figure!

Stan: My God, it's Cleopatra. I feel like such an asp.

Patrick: You know that girl we did last week? The one with the potatoes.

Stan: That girl? Yeah, that's this guy's girl.

Patrick: Yeah.

Stan: Right... Was. Took care of that.

Patrick: Well uh, I kind of fell in love with her that night.

Stan: What? You little fuck!

Patrick: What?

Stan: She was unconscious, man.

Patrick: Well, she was beautiful and... I stole a pair of her panties as well.

Stan: Jesus!

Patrick: What? It's not like - I mean they were clean and all.

Stan: Don't tell me this stuff! I don't wanna hear this shit!

Stan: You looked happy. Happy with a secret.

Patrick: Mary hates me. I've never been popular with the ladies.

Stan: Maybe if you stopped stealing their panties.

Stan: He's off the map. He's off the map!

Stan: Alright you guys, whoever took my boots, I want them back.

Axel: I got a boot for you, Stan, right up your ass!

Stan: Hey Mike, lemme borrow your spears, eh?

Michael: No, Stan.

Stan: No? What do you mean no?

Michael: Just what I said, no. No means no.

Stan: Some fuckin' friend. You're some fuckin' friend, you know that?

Michael: You gotta learn, Stanley. Every time you come up here, you got your goddamn head up your ass.

Axel: Maybe he likes the view from up there.

[John and Axel laugh]

Stan: How does it feel to be shot?

Michael: Don't hurt. That's what you wanna know. And how it's been, doing OK.

Stan: Yeah, same thing. Nothing's changed. I'm getting more ass than a toilet seat and Axel here, he's getting fatter than ever.

Stan: There's sometimes I think that I swear you're a fucking faggot.

Stan: Where the hell's my boots? Anybody seen my boots? Somebody took my boots. I bought 'em special. All right. All right, you guys. Whoever took my boots, I want 'em back.

Axel: I got a boot for you, Stan, right up your ass.

[jokingly throws a kick near his rear to which he responds by playfully pointing his gun at him]

Axel: Hey, Mike. Hey, Mike, let me borrow your spares, huh? Your extra pair?

Michael: No, Stan.

Stan: [taken aback] No?... What do you mean, "No?"

Michael: Just what I said. No. "No" means no.

Stan: [getting upset] Some fuckin' friend. You're some fuckin' friend, you know that?

Michael: You gotta learn, Stanley. Every time you come up here, you got your goddamn head up your ass.

Axel: Maybe he likes the view from up there, huh?

[the group laugh at him]

Michael: Every time he comes up, he's got no knife, he's got no jacket, he's got no pants, he's got no boots. All he's got is that stupid gun he carries around like John Wayne. That ain't gonna help ya'.

Axel: Oh, what the hell, Mike. Give him the boots.

Michael: No way. I ain't giving him no boots no more. No more. That's it.

Stan: You're a fuckin' bastard, you know that? Huh?

Michael: [holds up a live round] Stanley, see this? This is this. This ain't somethin' else. This is *this.* From now on, you're on your own.

Stan: [appalled, angry] I fixed you up a million times!

[to the group]

Stan: I fixed him up a million times! I don't know how many times I must have fixed him up with girls! And nothin' ever happens! Zero! Hey, you know your trouble, Mike, huh? Nobody ever knows what the fuck you're talking about. Huh? "This is this!" What the hell is that supposed to mean? "This is this!" I mean, is that some faggot-sounding bullshit or is that some faggot-sounding bullshit?

Nick: Shut up, Stan, will ya'?

[Stan shoves him]

Nick: Hey, man, you're outta line.

Michael: Watch out with that gun, Stan.

[more strictly]

Michael: Watch out with the gun.

Stan: [yelling] There's times - do you know what I think? There's times I swear I think you're a fuckin' faggot!

John: Hey! Come on, you guys!

[Michael smirks in amusement]

Stan: Last week - last week, he could've had that new redheaded waitress down at the Bowladrome. He could've had it knocked and look what he did. Look what he fuckin' did. Nothin', that's what.

John: Shut up, Stan, huh? Would ya' SHUT UP? Just shut up. Just take - take Michael's goddamn boots and SHUT UP!

[takes the laced boots and places them on Stan's shoulder]

John: Otherwise, I'm goin' home!

Michael: [Stan starts to walk away with Mike's boots] Hey, Stosh.

[Stan turns to look at him]

Michael: I said, "No."

Stan: What, are you gonna shoot me? Huh? Here...

[opens a gap in his shirt to make a target for him, Mike just stands there staring at him; knowing this will go nowhere, Stan takes the boots and throws them aggressively at Mike, walking away]

Nick: [walks over, picks up the boots, says to Mike] What's the matter with you?

[walks over to Stan]

Nick: Stan.

[gives him back the boots]

Michael: [Mike puts the live round into his rifle, takes aim and vents his anger by firing it out into the woods, then looks at the group to see their bewildered reactions]

Stan: What do you think of her, Michael?

Michael: I don't know.

Stan: No, come on. On the level. On the level.

Michael: I don't know.

Stan: Is she, is she beautiful? Is she beautiful? Is she?

Michael: Truth?

Stan: Yeah!

Michael: No.

Michael: Well, do you think she's intelligent?

Stan: No.

Michael: Neither do I!

Angela: [Last lines] Its been such a gray day.

John: [Humming] Mm-Mm-Mm-Mm-Mm-Mm

[singing]

John: Stand beside her and guide her. La-la-de Da-da-da...

Linda: [singing] God bless America, Land that I love.

Linda, John, Axel, Michael, Stan, Steven, Angela: Stand beside her and guide her, Through the night with a light from above. From the mountains, to the prairies, To the oceans white with foam. God Bless America, my home sweet home. God Bless America, my home sweet home.

Michael: Here's to Nick!

Steven: To Nick!

Linda, John, Axel, Michael, Stan, Steven, Angela: To Nick!

Stan: I like consulting. No, I love it. Love it. And I'll say this for it: "Private business is efficient." There, I've said it. Fucking cliché. And the CIA is like, what, a 30-billion-dollar-a-year business, so anybody who wants to sell anything, a pencil, a computer, they gotta interface through a security clearance. Don't give me shit. I got two kids in college and we're doing our kitchen.

Bob Barnes: Stan, I got a chance to go back to Beirut. I wanna go back. Is it safe for me?

Stan: Are we talking about with your wife or with the wackos?

[long pause]

Stan: Clear it with Hezbollah.

Stan: What a STUPID conversation.

Stan: So Arthur, when do you plan to have kids?

Victor Sailes: I'm sure... as soon as Arthur gets a beautiful wife and children, that's when he'll have a nice family. Isn't that correct, Arthur?

Stan: See there now Professor I disagree, I believe that God intended on every race to stay with they own. He made the dogs to be with the dogs, the birds with the birds, and the monkeys with the monkey.

Stokely: Is this usually the point where someone says let's get the fuck outta here?

Stan: Let's get the fuck outta here.

Stan: It must really blow being you.

Casey: You have no idea.

Zeke: Stan, take it.

Stan: No way, you're takin' it!

Casey: [laughing and obviously high] You're takin' it!

[Stan picks up gun and points it at Casey]

Stan: What the hell is wrong with him?

Zeke: Nothing's wrong with him. He's tweaking you asshole! Let him fucking tweak!

Casey: Tweak! Tweak!

Stokely: What are we going to do with the police not being an option?

Stan: I could call my dad, he'd know what to do.

Casey: If he's really your dad anymore.

Stokely: Walk much?

Stan: You ran into me, beast.

Stan: [to Delilah] I'm not an alien, I'm discontent.

Stan: Come on guys, this is nuts.

Delilah: Then leave, Stan. Why are you hanging around? Go win a Pulitzer.

Stan: Blow me, Delilah, 'cause I'm sick of you're shit.

Delilah: Well, then get the fuck out of here and take your little freak dyke with you.

Stokely: Fuck you, tit bags!

Casey: Will everybody calm down, please?

[about Delilah]

Zeke: Is she always this much fun, man?

Stan: Sometimes she can be a real bitch.

[Stan wants to quit football to study]

Delilah: You're not good at studying Stan, you're good at football. You should stick to what you're good at.

Stan: Yeah, I've always been good at football, and basketball, and every other sport I've tried. I think maybe it's time I should try something I'm not so good at, something different.

Delilah: And what am I supposed to do while you're on a yellow book quest for a brain?

Stan: What?

Delilah: The accepted social order is that head cheerleaders date star quarterbacks, not academic wannabees.

Stan: Don't be so superficial...

Delilah: Superficial... four syllables, that's really good Stan, you're on your way. Let me know how the cure for cancer goes.

Stan: I was hoping you'd be with me on this...

[Stokley bumps into Stan]

Stokely: Get a fucking eye dog!

Stan: Well maybe if you didn't paint your fucking eyes shut!

Stan: Is this gonna be on the test?

Mr. John Tate: This is the test.

Stan: Mrs Brummel, what the FUCK!

Stan: Aliens have taken over the fucking school!

Stan: Open... the door. It is so much better. There's no fear. No pain. It's beautiful. And you will be beautiful. You'll be beautiful. No problems or worries. We want you. I want you. I... want... you... Now open the fucking door!

Stan: Coach, I've been thinking ahead, and I've decided to quit the team and concentrate on my academics.

Coach Willis: Okay. Stan we'll miss you.

Stan: That's it?

Coach Willis: What do you want me to say? My star quarterback comes to me the day before we play in front of the county in the only team in the district that can kick our ass tells me he doesn't want to play. You seem to be going through some life defining turning point and I'm not going to stand in the way of the human condition. You do what you have to do.

Stan: Thanks for not reading me, Coach.

Coach Willis: What kind of human being would I be if I did that?

Stan: You think aliens have infested our school?

Delilah: That would explain their weird behavior, wouldn't it?

Stan: Give me a fucking break.

[they are playing paintball in the woods]

Stan: This is a man's game. It requires a man's cunning, a man's intelligence...

[Katie jumps out of a bush and shoots Larry and Stan in the chests with her paintball gun]

Katie: ...with a woman's touch.

Stan: OJ left more blood than that on the bronco.

Dirk: Hi ho!

Stan: Did you call me a ho?

Stan: I see a monkey.

Oliver: A what?

Stan: A monkey.

Oliver: Well it doesn't surprise me a bit.If you don't quit drinking that brandy,you'll be seeing pink elephants.

Cheese Factory Propietor: Now I've an idea.

Stan, Oliver: You've an idea?

Cheese Factory Propietor: I'll buy the whole business for five thousand cool.

Oliver: Why for you're being so generous, we'll throw in our mule.

Stan: You can't do that, Ollie, don't be such a fool.

Oliver: It's my idea!

Cheese Factory Propietor: It's a splendid idea.

Oliver: It's just an idea of my own.

Cheese Factory Propietor, Stan, Oliver: It's just an idea. A splendid idea. It's just an idea of my own.

[Stan harmonizes in a baritone voice]

Stan: I see a monkey.

Oliver: That doesn't surprise me a bit

Oliver: I thought you told me I had her in the palm of my hand.

Stan: Well you did, but you didn't play your cards right.

Stan: Taking a walk is different from walking.

Jay: How?

Stan: A purpose. A destination.

Jay: I don't understand.

Stan: When you're walking, you're trying to get somewhere, you end up in a different place. When you're taking a walk, you always end up where you started.

Jay: I'm scared of you.

Stan: You're scared of me?

Jay: Why are you wearing one glove?

Stan: I lost the other one.

Jay: That's scary to me.

Jay: You know who I am?

Stan: That's not the problem. The problem is YOU know who I am.

Stan: Listen, I know it's a little startling, that's why I sat here for awhile while you were sleeping. I didn't want to scare you, then I figured, "How the heck could you be scared of a guy that's got a cup of coffee?"

Stan: Can I ask you something? What are they putting in coffee nowadays? It's like a flavor, or something.

Donal Baines: Donna, she likes hazelnut.

Stan: Hazelnut? In coffee? Hm. Well, the first couple of sips it was good -

Donal Baines: It gets worse.

Stan: Yeah.

Stan: When people live their lives, it's recorded. Now, most of it never quite makes it into the can, so to speak, but the deeper things, the significant things, burn an impression and it becomes an actual record.

Donal Baines: What's it look like?

Stan: Like a film negative, for the most part. Just like a movie.

Donal Baines: [about teenage Christopher] He's too sappy, too sentimental.

Stan: Shh, shh, shh. Teenager.

Stan: If we don't write our own lines, someone else ends up writing them for us.

Stan: He's just into this, what do they call it? Not punk, but... oh, Goth.

Donal Baines: What?

Stan: Goth. Christopher's a Goth.

Donal Baines: What's that?

Stan: Like a beatnik, only more depressed.

Stan: People end up in movies they never expected to be in.

Stan: You know what else I've seen? Patterns. No matter what direction someone's life takes, no matter what sort of film they're in, people tend to follow the same storyline, same plot. And that means, sometimes, the film just has to end tragically.

Stan: All that's ever left of a person is what's recorded on paper, or on film. A few lines, a few scenes. Then you're in the can. Deep down, everyone knows that all we are is a brief flicker on the screen in the dark, an illusion.

Stan: What'll you have?

Will Price: Oh, um

[picks up menu then sets it down]

Will Price: You know what, I'll have whatever she's having.

Stan: [Stan and Ashley share a look. Then to Will:] Are you sure?

Will Price: [Uncertain] Uh, yeah?

Stan: Okay then. I'll get those right out to you.

Will Price: [to Ashley after Stan leaves] What are we having?

Ashley Matthews: Stan's 3 Alarm Chili.

Will Price: Perfect.

Hippo: What did I ever do to deserve a couple of yaps like you?

Stan: Maybe you were good to your mother.

Hippo: Pipe down!

Stan: Yes, sir.

Hippo: Now at 10:00 you're all going over for an IQ test, and according to the answers you give, you'll be classified in a job.

Stan: Swell! We're good at quizes, aren't we, Ollie?

Oliver: Maybe they'll put me in the intelligence "corpse".

Stan: I don't deserve friends like you

Stan: [every time someone asks about the coffin] It's for show.

Jarod Leary: It's clear you don't like to deal with customers, so...

Stan: It's clear that there are no customers.

Jarod Leary: [takes Stan's newspaper and flips to obituaries] Five deaths in the last week. You're telling me all those people could afford a nice funeral?

Jarod Leary: When a person like that's dealt with, I think it should be applauded, not punished.

Stan: I couldn't agree with you more.

Stan: The bitch stole my credit cards and all of her shit is gone.

Stan: Son of a bitch!

Oliver: Where have you been all day?

Stan: I went all the way to Poughkipsee...

Oliver: Poughkipsee?

Stan: ...yeah, and that ain't them.

[shows Ollie a box of Smith Brothers cough drops]

Oliver: Well, looks like we're in it. Gee, I wish I could go.

Stan: Go where?

Oliver: Why to war!

Stan: Why can't ya go?

Oliver: There you are, I knew you'd take that selfish attitude. I'd go in a minute if it wasn't for my flat feet!

Oliver: Why didn't you tell me it was you?

Stan: It was so dark, I didn't think you would hear me.