Sheldon Quotes in The In-Laws (1979)

Sheldon: I have flames on my car. I HAVE FLAMES ON MY CAR!

Sheldon: There's no reason to shoot at me, I'm a dentist.

Sheldon: You were involved in the Bay of Pigs?

Vince Ricardo: Involved? That was my idea.

[after a harrowing cab ride]

Sheldon: Did we hit the little boy on Sixth Avenue?

Vince Ricardo: No, we missed him by a good foot and a half.

Sheldon: The ocean? It's over the ocean to Scranton, Pennsylvania?

Sheldon: I've only had four women in my life. Two of them, my wife!

Vince Ricardo: I was in the jungle - the bush we called it - for approximately nine months...

Sheldon: Nine months! That must have really been something!

Vince Ricardo: It was. I saw things... They have tsetse flies down there the size of eagles.

Sheldon: Please God, don't let me die on West 31st Street!

Sheldon: Six thousand a year tuition to listen to this.

Vince Ricardo: Just go with the flow, Shel, just go with the flow.

Sheldon: What flow? There isn't any flow.

Sheldon: Is he dead?

Vince Ricardo: If he's alive, he's putting on a hell of an act, ain't he?

Sheldon: I'm H2O intolerant.

[sneezes]

Nemo: What's that?

Tad: I know what that is. Sandy Plankton saw one. He called it... uh... he said it was called a "butt"!

Pearl: Wow. That's a pretty big butt.

[swims out a little]

Sheldon: Oh, look at me! I'm gonna touch the butt.

Sheldon: [gasp] He touched the butt!

Sonny: You'd like to kill me? Bet you would.

Sheldon: I wouldn't like to kill you. I will if I have to.

Sonny: It's your job, right? The guy who kills me... I hope he does it because he hates my guts, not because it's his job.

Sonny: You! Manager! Fucker! Don't get any ideas, you hear?

Sheldon: Believe me, I'm on your side on this one!

Sonny: Yeah, my side, shit!

Sylvia: Look, there are young ladies, here. You could watch your language, you know!

Sonny: I speak what I feel. "Watch my language". Empty the drawer out!

Sal: Sonny? You hear that?

Sonny: What?

Sal: They keep sayin' *two* homosexuals. I am not a homosexual. I want you to stop them saying that. Stop.

Sonny: That's all they're interested in - it's a freak show to them. I can't control it, Sal - let'em say what they want. Forget it. It don't matter.

Sonny: What is this? The FBI? Jesus, now we're talkin', maybe we can get this thing moving. First off, get the lights back on and the air conditioning.

Sheldon: No more favors. That's all over, Sonny.

Sonny: Aw, Jesus... you been doin' us favors all night!

Sheldon: I've got a jet. I'll have airport limousine here in a half hour. I want the hostages.

Sonny: Bullshit!

Sheldon: I'd like to work with you on this, not against you.

Sonny: Well, Jesus, these hostages are keeping me alive.

Sheldon: Okay... when do I get them?

Sonny: At the airport. We get on the plane, check it out, and if it's all okay we'll send them out. Except one.

Sheldon: I want them all.

Sonny: I want to talk to Leon.

Sheldon: I want to come in, and see if everybody's okay.

Sonny: You got guts. You think if Sal and me have cut their throats we're gonna let you out?

Sheldon: I have to see.

Sheldon: You handled yourself real well, Sonny. A lot of men would've choked, and we might have had a death or a multiple death on our hands. But you handled it. I respect that. Now don't you try to take Sal. We'll handle him. Just sit tight and you won't get hurt.

[Sheldon turns to walk away]

Sonny: Wait a minute... What are you talking about?

Sheldon: You just sit quiet. We'll handle Sal.

[Sheldon leaves]

Sonny: Do you think I'd sell him out? You fuck!

[Sal is pointing the gun at Sheldon]

Sal: Tell the TV to stop saying there's 2 homosexuals in here.

Sheldon: I will, Sal.

Sheldon: When my brothers and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.

Sheldon: [singing] He slams the door He stomps his feet He sends me to bed with zilch to eat But my stepdad's not mean he's just adjusting.

Sheldon: I'll be in my office, the big one with a view!

Nora: They all have views, you dumb shit!

Sheldon: Not looking this way, cupcake!

Sheldon: So remember kids, a stepdad is a lot like a new puppy. They need patience and love while they adjust to their new surroundings. But remember - if he is ever abusive to you or mommy, what are the magic numbers?

Kids: 9-1-1!

Sheldon: Thaaaaaaat's right!

Sheldon: You try not to hurt anyone Roy... What would Jesus do?

Sheldon: You can't change the world but you can make a dent.

Tommy: Sometimes in this life, a man's gotta answer for his indiscretions!

[the scene transitions to when the mob had Merv Green tied to a chair]

Merv Green: It was a mistake! An honest mistake! I was just trying to help the children!

Tommy: Oh, so you like kids, eh?

Merv Green: Oh, sure!

Tommy: Oh, then I bet you know some fairy tales then.

Merv Green: Yeah!

Tommy: Hey, Danny, tell him the one about the worthless prick that gets his head chopped off with an axe!

Merv Green: [Danny pulls out an axe and approaches him] No! No! NOOOOOOOOO!

[You see a shadow of Danny lowering the axe at Merv Green and transitions back to now where Sheldon looks horrified]

Sheldon: I don't think I feel so good about this all of a sudden, Tommy.

Danny: Then we took his head and played a little...

Sheldon: Okay, that's... way more information than I'd like to have at this point, thanks.

Bartender: I never saw anyone get buzzed off of orange juice.

Sheldon: Let me tell you a secret - if you squirt a little liquid alfalfa in, it's blast off time.

Burke: This is the high life, Sheldon. You gotta get used to this. Pretty soon you're gonna be pissin' on hundred dollar bills just to see the look on Franklin's face!

Sheldon: I don't think I could ever do that. I have much too much respect for what that man accomplished.

Randolph: Didn't she tell you of the love we once had. Passionate yet tender, old-fashioned yet experimental.

Sheldon: Randolph, you have lost your mind.

Randolph: Oh, enlighten the lad, Nora. You were such a hot little brood mare, does the bridle still fit?

Sheldon: Hey, watch your mouth mister!

Nora: What experiments? I've had firmer handshakes, ya drunk.

Randolph: Please, it's small but, it's fierce!

Randolph: What about Wally the Whale?

Sheldon: Laura, how could you do it with Wally the Whale?

Randolph: There she blows!

Sheldon: I don't believe this is happening. I can't believe you didn't tell me about this.

Nora: Listen, Sheldon, I'm not proud of it but, there was a time in my life when I was a bit of a kiddie host groupie.

Sheldon: You just fucked with the wrong rhino!

Burke: It's all about the dough, Shel. Once you get the money, you get the power. Once you get the power, you can have Smoochy walk out there with a dildo strapped to his head if you want.

Sheldon: [long pause] I don't think I've thought of that idea specifically, but I? I do see where you're going with this.

[Tommy Kotter is at a funeral after Spinner Dunn was murdered]

Tommy: Don't forget, this hit was meant for you, Shel. So from now on, wherever you go, we go.

Sheldon: I'll be fine.

Tommy: Fine nothing! As Christ is my witness, no one is touching a hair on your fucking head! Spinner would have wanted it that way. Okay boys, let's all pray and get shit-faced.

Sheldon: Captain Kangaroo, like Jesus Christ, was someone you could really believe in. With those guys it wasn't about the bells and whistles and the rickety rackety, it was all about the work. Especially Jesus.

Sheldon: Now I'm not pointing any fingers, Lord knows you start pointing fingers and someone's gonna get poked. And I want you both to know that its not my intention to try and... poke either of you.

Sheldon: Someone toss me a beach towel because my head is swimming.

Sheldon: Don't talk to me like that, I am not your puppet.

Sheldon: Let's face it. Big junkies come from little junkies. We gotta nip this in the bud, Burke!

Sheldon: Has anyone ever suggested that maybe a little yoga, maybe a high colonic or two could loosen you up a lot?

Tommy: This I guarantee: That fuckin' Randolph has seen his last rainbow. We're going to find him, cut off his balls, and shove 'em up his ass.

Sheldon: Well, maybe we should leave that for the cops, Tommy.

Roy: Cops won't do the ball thing, it's against procedure.

Sheldon: You work for Kidnet? Are you serious?

Nora: As a heart attack.

Randolph: He's a pillow-biter, you know.

Sheldon: I wouldn't know anything about his sleeping disorders.

Nora: I'm telling you, Stokes cut some kind of deal with Buggy for the Smoochy slot

Sheldon: Wait a minute, Buggy Ding-Dong? The host of "Buggy's Bumpy Railroad"?

Nora: Yeah, until he discovered the joys of Turkish black mule heroin.

Sheldon: That doesn't make any sense. Why would Stokes want to replace Smoochy with some smack addict?

Nora: I don't know.

Sheldon: Oh, man. Someone toss me a beach towel, cause my head is swimmin'!

Spinner Dunn: My name is Moochy.

Sheldon: I think we've established that.

Spinner Dunn: Sheldon this costume is making my nuts itch.

Sheldon: [Opening lines of segment] I'm 50 years old. I'm a partner in a big law firm. You know I'm very successful, and I still haven't resolved my relationship with my mother.

Sheldon: [Looking around Terva's dank, gloomy apartment] You got a nice place here. What time does the cobra come out?

Sheldon: I'm the only man alive with two navels.

[first lines]

[the wrestling match begins with Coach Harris cheering on his player Todd]

Coach Harris: All right, Todd! Let's go, let's go! All right. Keep it up! Keep it up! Yes! Nice! Nice! Control, Todd, control.

Todd: [Todd gets pinned down and mumbles] Damn it!

Coach Harris: Stay focused! It's fine. Stay focused. Come on.

Coach Harris: [Todd returns with pinning down his opponent within seconds] Yes!

[the crowd cheers and boos when the scene cuts to the next wrestler Alex]

Todd: How's she doing?

Sheldon: Sex and violence. That's what it's all about.

Alex: [Alex gets pinned down by her opponent when the match ends] Fuck!

Todd: [Alex returns to her corner] Hey.

Alex: How'd your match go?

Todd: I won.

Alex: Shocker.