Schmendrick Quotes in The Last Unicorn (1982)

Schmendrick: There are no happy endings because nothing ends.

Schmendrick: It's a very rare person who is taken for what he truly is.

Unicorn: You are a true wizard now, as you always wished. Does it make you happy?

Schmendrick: Well, men don't always know when they're happy. But I-I think so. And you?

Unicorn: I am a little afraid to go home. I have been mortal, and some part of me is mortal yet. I am no longer like the others, for no unicorn was ever born who could regret, but I now I do. I regret.

Schmendrick: I am sorry. I have done you evil and I cannot undo it.

Unicorn: No. Unicorns are in the world again. No sorrow will live in me with that joy-save one. And I thank you for that part, too. Farewell good magician. I will try to go home.

Molly: No, it can't be. Can it be? Where have you been? Where have you been? Damn you! Where have you been?

Schmendrick: Don't you talk to her that way!

Unicorn: I'm here now.

Molly: And where were you twenty years ago? Ten years ago? Where were you when I was new? When I was one of those innocent young maidens you always come to? How dare you! How dare you come to me now, when I am this!

[Weeps]

Schmendrick: Can you really see her? Do you know what she is?

Molly: If you had been waiting to see a unicorn, as long as I have...

Schmendrick: She's the last unicorn in the world.

Molly: It would be the last unicorn that came to Molly Grue. It's all right, I forgive you.

Schmendrick: I know you. If I were blind I'd know what you are.

Schmendrick: Shut up, you pretentious kneecap! How'd you like a punch in the eye?

Schmendrick: If we run away then all the unicorns of the world will remain prisoners forever except one. And she will grow old and die.

Amalthea: Everything dies! I want to die when you die.

[looks at Lir]

Amalthea: I'm no unicorn, no magical creature. I'm a woman, and I love you, Lir. Don't let him change me! Lir, I will not love you when I'm a unicorn.

Prince Lir: Amalthea, don't...

Schmendrick: Then let the quest end here! I don't think I could change you back, even if you wished it. Marry the prince, and live happily ever after.

Amalthea: Yes, that is my wish.

Prince Lir: No. My lady, I am a hero. Heroes know that things must happen when it is time for them to happen. A quest may not simply be abandoned; unicorns may go unrescued for a long time, but not forever. A happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story.

Molly Grue: But what if there isn't a happy ending?

Schmendrick: There are no happy endings, because nothing ends.

Molly Grue: Schmendrick, let her stay the way she is. Let her be...

Schmendrick: That's not in the story. Lir know that, and so does she.

Molly Grue: You don't care! You don't care what happens to her or to the others, just so you're a real magician at last. You don't care-"

Schmendrick: Well I wish I didn't care! I wish to God I didn't care about anything but my magic! But I do! I do.

[the unicorn has just looked at all the "horrors" in the other cages at the carnival and discovered that they are not real; they are only illusions]

Unicorn: That one is real. That is the harpy, Celaeno.

Schmendrick: Yes, the old woman caught her by chance, the same way she took you. Oh, she should never have meddled with a real harpy! Or a real unicorn for that matter. Because the truth melts her magic, always.

Schmendrick: Tell me what you see. Don't be afraid. Look at your fellow legends and tell me what you see.

Unicorn: What he calls a Manticore looks to be no more than a shabby, toothless lion. And he has that whole crowd believing that poor old ape with the twisted foot is a Satyr! Illusions, deceptions, mirages! Your Mommy Fortuna cannot truly change things!

Schmendrick: That is true. She can only disguise, and only for those eager to believe whatever comes easiest. She cannot turn cream into butter, but she can make a lion look like a manticore to eyes that want to see a manticore. Just like she put a false horn on a real unicorn so they can see the unicorn. I know you. If I were blind, I would know what you are.

Unicorn: Who are you?

Schmendrick: I am called Schmendrick, the Magician. Uh... you won't have heard of me.

Schmendrick: The magic chose the shape, not I. I am a bearer, I am a dwelling, I am a messenger...

Molly: You are an idiot!

Schmendrick: I can't do this very much longer. He had me juggling teacups all night long. Teacups! With tea in them!

Schmendrick: Don't cry. If you have become human enough to cry, then all the magic in the world cannot change you back.

Prince Lir: Unicorn, mermaid, sorceress... no name you could give her would surprise OR frighten me. I love whom I love.

Schmendrick: Well, that's a very nice sentiment, but when I change her back into her true self...

Prince Lir: I love whom I love.

Schmendrick: I am Schmendrick the magician, last of the red hot swamis.

The Unicorn: I'm looking for others like me. Have you seen them, Magician?

Schmendrick: No, I've never seen anyone like you. Not while I was awake, anyway.

Schmendrick: Step down, lady, you are free!

Unicorn: I'm a little afraid to go home. I have been mortal, and some part of me is mortal yet. I am no longer like the others, for no unicorn was ever born who could regret, but now I do. I regret.

Schmendrick: I am sorry. I have done you evil and I cannot undo it.

Unicorn: No. Unicorns are in the world again! No sorrow will live in me with that joy... save one - and I thank you for that part, too.

Unicorn: You are a true wizard now, as you always wished. Does it make you happy?

Schmendrick: Well... men don't always know when they're happy. But I - I think so.

Schmendrick: [the skull laughs obnoxiously] Shut up, you pretentious kneecap! How'd you like a punch in the eye?

Molly Grue: You made it laugh, anyway. Maybe that's all it needs to make it speak.

The Skull: [choking with laughter] ... It isn't!

The Skull: Ask me how to find the Red bull

[chuckles]

The Skull: even Prince Lir doesn't know the secret way... but I dooo

[chuckles]

Schmendrick: Oh you do eh? Answer the riddle then, tell us the way.

The Skull: Say pleeeaaase.

Schmendrick: [sighs] Please.

The Skull: [slight pause] No!

Schmendrick: You pile of stones! I'll set all your toenails growing in, you mess with me!