Priestly Quotes in London's Finest (2014)

Priestly: You'll be being watched, even when you think you're not.

Priestly: Time to get past the illusion of choice.

Tish: [Priestly calls Tish] Beach City Grill. Subs by the inch.

Priestly: Code blue. Hostile territory. Aborting mission.

Tish: Who is this?

Priestly: It's your Renaissance Man. I'm at the store, there's too many enemy tampons. I'm bailing.

Tish: Alright, stay focused. Describe the situation.

Priestly: Initial recon appears to be bag or box?

Tish: Box.

Priestly: Box. Roger that.

Tish: Alright, look around chest height. Do you see anything marked regular?

Priestly: Okay, regular. Uh, here's one but it says slender regular. How can something be both slender and regular? Isn't that mutually exclusive?

Tish: Priestly...

Priestly: Unless, of course they're implying in the mysterious underworld of Femboxes that slender is regular.

Tish: Priestly. Are you done?

Priestly: Well, what about the Super Pluses?

Tish: No.

Priestly: Why not? They sound like better.

Tish: Don't. They're huge.

Priestly: I thought you liked huge.

Tish: This is one area where bigger is not better.

Priestly: Yeah, well shouldn't you buy all the protection you can get?

[looks at the side of the box]

Priestly: I mean, it says here it can handle any amount of- Oh my god!

[throw the box in disgust]

Priestly: Why is it that some people can't see a good thing when it's standing right in front of them, huh? I mean, what is it that screws all that up? Can you tell me? I swear, you're like 2 year olds. You're more interested in the wrapping paper than what's inside.

Tish: Wait. Are you talking about Jen, or me?

Priestly: If there's a difference, let me know.

Tish: Priestly, listen. If a woman needs an emergency dipstick in the ladies room of a sandwich stop.

Priestly: That's nasty.

Tish: She just wants something that's going to hold her over until she can get home and use one of her own. Based on her own style preferences and flow requirement

Priestly: Tish!

Tish: Yeah?

Priestly: That word... flow. Thats nasty. It's gross.

Tish: Just buy the slender regulars.

Priestly: Over and out. Heading back to base camp.

Tish: Roger that. Over and out.

[hangs up the phone]

Piper: So, before you leave, can I make you a sandwich? The roast turkey's really good here.

Zo: Thank you, but I don't eat anything that had a mother.

Piper: Oh, Okay. Um, egg salad, then?

Zo: Well, eggs are really a chicken abortion, aren't they? I mean, I support a woman's right to choose, but I don't believe anyone asked the chickens beforehand.

Priestly: Right on!

Jen: Well, actually, since farmers don't keep roosters, the eggs aren't fertilized, so technically you're just eating a byproduct of the hen's menstrual cycle.

Priestly: Well that, that's certainly appetizing, a hen-period salad, that's lovely.

Zo: [smiling] I think I'll just stick with a six inch tofurkey.

Priestly: [Walks past Piper and jen, backtracks. To Piper] Who are you?

Piper: Piper.

Priestly: Piper. What are you doing here, Piper?

Piper: I work here.

Priestly: Why wasn't I notified? I wasn't notified!

Trucker: Hey, Priestly. We hired someone.

Priestly: Thank you! I swear, we need like a bulletin board or a staff email or something!

Jen: You know, Priestly. Piper thinks Elvis is dead.

Priestly: [to Trucker] Really? Now, you're hiring people who failed the interview?

Priestly: You're shittin me. Jen, please tell me you didn't leave Fuzzy sitting down there wondering. God damn it Jen.

Jen: I don't expect you to understand.

Priestly: Oh I understand. I understand you wouldn't talk to him cause you were terrified he'd judge you on the basis of your looks, yet you're completely comfortable doing the exact same thing to him. Unbelievable, god!

[from trailer]

Tish: I did things with Tad I've never done before.

Priestly: Oh really, like what? Wait for the second date?

Priestly: [forced accent] Anyone else think that maybe Trucker have some 'spaining to do?

[last lines]

Trucker: We ask you here today in this most sacred and beautiful of places to witness our dedication to each other.

Zo: We start our new lives as we started the last. Naked and needy. Dependent on those we love to care for us.

Priestly: Hell yeah!

Priestly: Congratulations.

Priestly: Rock on, man.

Fuzzy22: Um, I'm Jeff Kenline, by the way.

Jen: It's a pleasure to meet you, Jeff Kenline.

Priestly: Hey dude! Where'd you get that "fuzzy22" name from?

Fuzzy22: Oh, I got that account when I was working on my senior thesis. It was on fuzzy logic, and I was 22. What, did you think I was a cop or something?

Priestly: [Walks into the shop] Everybody relax!

[Frantically tap dances]

Priestly: I'm here!

Tish: Oh, and so close to being almost on time.

Priestly: Yeah, well, come on. I mean, once I start showing up on time, you'll expect it every day.

Tish: [after a night with Tadd] I'm in love.

Priestly: No, you're in heat.

Tish: Oh, look! A man pretending to acknowledge the difference.

Priestly: [Looking at the guy in Tish's clutches] Okay, today's topic of conversation: Clueless Men and The Women Who Use Them For Gratification.

Tish: If men are *that* easy to manipulate, they deserve to be taken advantage of.

Priestly: I'm easy to manipulate! Why don't women take advantage of me?

Tish: I think we can all guess the answer to that.

Priestly: Tadd and Brad. Well, isn't that... gay?

Priestly: [to some teenage boys in the grocery store] Think it's funny that I'm buying tampons?

[the boys laugh]

Priestly: You gentlemen, and uh, I use that term loosely, understand what that means? Obviously not. See, this means, uh, that there is a woman with whom I'm so intimate that we're both comfortable with me buying her most personal possessions. This means that our relationship is so solid, so trusting that I'm not embarrassed doing this at all. It means, my friends, that instead of hanging out at a grocery store having a sausage fest with another guy, playing his skin flute, or just doin' a little

[Makes blowjob noises and gestures]

Priestly: all day long, I'm getting laid by a beautiful lady every day. And, she takes it downtown. And, everyone here knows it.

[Wiggles the tampons in the air]

Priestly: Hey, Zo? Are you a vegetarian because you love animals, or because you hate plants?

Zo: Oh, I do love you Priestly.

Trucker: Hey, I'm uh, babysitting him by myself all weekend. Love it if you took a shift.

Tish: [Priestly walks in dressed in a button-down and khakis. His hair is brushed out and a normal color. His piercings are gone] Holy shit.

Priestly: Miss Matheson, it would be my pleasure if you would agree to accompany me to dinner tonight.

Tish: Depends.

Priestly: On what?

Tish: I wanna know your first name.

Trucker: Yeah!

Priestly: Come on, give me a break! I'm- I went to Banana Republic, for Christ sake!

[Tish looks away]

Priestly: Damn it.

[Whispers]

Priestly: Boaz.

Tish: Can't hear you.

Priestly: Boaz, all right? My-my first name is Boaz.

Jen: Boaz?

Priestly: Shut up.

Tish: Can I tell you something, Boaz?

Priestly: Okay.

Tish: This is something I've never told anyone else.

Priestly: Yeah, of course.

Tish: Tish... Is short for Platicia.

Priestly: Platicia?

Tish: [Nodding] Platicia.

Tish: I don't know. I mean, you're cute and everything, but...

Stud: But what? Come on, Tish!

Tish: Well, it's just...

Priestly: Here it comes.

Tish: [Whispers] I don't really like sex.

Stud: What? How can you not like...

Tish: I've never had a... you know...

Stud: Whoa! Never?

[Tish shakes her head]

Stud: Well, obviously you haven't been with the right guy.

[Points to himself and mouths "Me"]

Tish: [laughs] Okay.

Piper: My God, does that really work?

Jen: Every time.

Priestly: Are you kidding me? It's a man's greatest challenge.

Priestly: [Tish walks in the morning after a romp] Oh, look, she can still walk!

Jen: All right, let's hear it. What were his grades?

Tish: A for effort. C for execution.

Jen: Natural gift?

Tish: Didn't even register.

Piper: That bad, huh?

Tish: That bad, and... He knows it.

Piper: Well, did you at least tell him that size doesn't matter?

[Priestly nods]

Tish: Yeah, sure, I told him. You don't actually think guys believe that, do you?

[Priestly cocks an eyebrow]

Tish: [Another victim leaves the sbop. She turns around and everyone's staring at her] Oh, don't even start with me. If men are that easy to out-finesse, they deserve what they get.

Priestly: Hey, I'm easy. Don't I deserve it?

Trucker: Well, Priestly, see, your problem is you always go after the hot chicks. You know. you gotta raise your expectations, man.

Tish: Excuse me?

Trucker: Well, really good-looking women, they're high maintenance. And without exception, completely worthless between the sheets.

Priestly: Seriously?

Trucker: God's truth.

Mr. Julius: Certainly been my experience.

Tish: Oh, you guys are pathetic.

Trucker: All right, take Tish for example, all right? Men are so pumped to be with a body like hers, that all she's gotta do is just lay back and enjoy the ride, you see? That way, she's never gonna develop any skills in bed.

Mr. Julius: I second that!

Tish: Hey, I work hard!

Trucker: Hey, don't get me wrong; attractive women are great to look at, just don't go home with the prom queen. Give her the crown, she'll never go down.

Tish: I *was* the prom queen.

Trucker: Well, I rest my case.

Tish: All right, that's it. You and me, in the office.

[Puts her hair up]

Tish: I'll show you how I earned my crown!

[Walks toward the office]

Trucker: Women!

[Tish turns around, an understanding scowl on her face]

Trucker: They are so easy to out-finesse! They deserve what they get!

Tish: [Whips a towel at Trucker] Dicks!

Priestly: [Jen's computer chimes] Oh, look! fuzzzy_22, right on time!

Jen: [Pushes Priestly] Shut up!

Priestly: Can't believe it, Jen. You've fallen for a cop.

Tish: Why do you think he's a cop?

Priestly: Uh, 'fuzz'? What else could it be?

Tish: I'm thinking peach fuzz, since he's probably like, 12 or something.

Priestly: Or maybe he's got a really hairy back.

Tish: Ugh!

Piper: Maybe he's a peach farmer in Georgia.

Lucille: Oh, Jen, you don't wanna move to Georgia!

Jen: I'm not moving anywhere.

Tish: I bet the '22' means he's a gun freak.

Piper: Could just be his age, you know.

Tish: Or, it could be the number of years left until his parole hearing.

Priestly: Yeah, or maybe the last 22 years have been really like, fuzzy for him.

Jen: I like that one!

Tish: All right, Jen, you never screw up an order.

Priestly: Yeah, what happened? Fuzzy's mom finally take his computer away?

Tadd: [Priestly gives him his food] Nice hair.

Priestly: [Mocking Tish] Thanks, Taddley.

[Bats his eyelashes]

Tish: [about Jen's meeting fuzzzy] Well, I'm coming with.

Jen: Really?

Piper: Me, too.

Jen: You guys are the best!

Priestly: Yep, count me in!

Tish, Piper, Jen: Forget it.

Trucker: Can we get to work now?

Priestly: I'll, I'll drive.

Piper: No.

Priestly: I'll buy the beer.

[Jen laughs at him]

Priestly: I never get to do anything fun.

Trucker: What did I miss at our staff meeting?

Jen: Well, Tish is in love. Or lust, depending on who you're talking to...

Trucker: Really? Proud of you, angel.

[High-fives Tish]

Jen: Piper is digging herself deeper and deeper into the the pit of deceit with the Millers...

Trucker: Good. Nice to see that our company tradition for making the worst possible decision in any situation has been passed on to the next generation of employee.

Jen: Priestly has gotten in touch with his feminine side...

Priestly: [Offscreen] I love my kilt!

Jen: And I have reached a decision on meeting fuzzy.

Jen: [about Fuzzy] It's a no-brainer. We *have* to meet.

Priestly: Right on!

Piper: And what if he is a woman?

Jen: We'll find a way to make it work.

Priestly: Ooh, if that happens, can I watch?

Tish: What is he's 14?

Priestly: Ooh, if that happens, can I, uh

[Holds a glass to his eye]

Priestly: videotape?

Jen: He's driving himself to the meeting point, so he's gotta be at least 16, right? And that's not *that* much younger.

Trucker: Convicted felon?

Jen: Well, he's out noe, so it couldn't have been that bad.

Mr. Julius: Paralyzed?

Jen: If *he* can deal with that, I sure can.

Lucille: Ugly as a rhino's ass?

Jen: Looks are really the least of my worries. I mean, he's a great guy.

Priestly: Well, what if he's got, like, crazy-ass hair and-and, and more artificial holes in his head than real ones?

Jen: Well, I could never be that lucky.

[Priestly smiles]