Neil Quotes in Rogue (2007)

[after tour is disrupted by Neil]

Everett Kennedy: We'd like to get on with our tour.

Neil: Fuck me, it's John fucking Wayne! This is the tour, John.

Neil: What the fuck you gawkin' at at, four eyes?

Pete McKell: I don't know. I got the brochure, but it didn't say anything about assholes.

Neil: You're not as stupid as you look.

Pete McKell: Yeah, you're not either.

Aki: This mission was well worth the lives of you and your men.

Jane Proudfoot: "Men"?

Ryan: She thinks you're a man.

Jane Proudfoot: I think she's an idiot.

Neil: I know you're not a man.

Jane Proudfoot: I think YOU'RE an idiot too.

Ryan: PLEASE tell me we're risking our lives for that little plant.

Jane Proudfoot: I wouldn't even call it a plant; I'd call it a weed.

Neil: I wouldn't even call it a weed.

Neil: Looks like you've gained some weight.

Jane Proudfoot: It's called upper body strength Neil. Get a girlfriend.

Neil: I'm working on it.

Neil: Speak to me, Sarge.

Ryan: Ouch.

[Neil and Ryan tamper with an elevator with passengers Grey and Aki]

Jane Proudfoot: What do you think you're doing?

Neil: We're just gonna stall them for a little while... Hey, don't look at me, it was HIS idea.

Jane Proudfoot: This was YOUR idea?

Ryan: We're just helping the Captain out a little. Have you seen the way he looks at her?

Neil: Yeah, Jane, where's your sense of romance?

Alarm voice: Proceed to the nearest evacuation facility, Proceed to the nearest evacuation facility.

Neil: I think we should proceed to the nearest evacuation facility.

Neil: Jane, let me ask you something, do you think we're gonna get out of here alive? I mean I wonder if anyone else has gotten out. You think anyone's made it this far? huh?

Jane Proudfoot: Uhh...

Neil: You really think this 8. spirit stuff is really going to work against the phantoms? i mean, what if it's all a bunch of Mumbo Jumbo?

[gets a little electric shock]

Neil: Ahh... jeez Jane. do you mind if we stop talking? I'm trying to concentrate here.

[before driving through the windows to the landing bay]

Doctor Sid: So I gather this will be somewhat of a rough ride.

Neil: Doc, you got a talent for understatement.

[after the vehicle crashes dislocating two tires and losing one]

Doctor Sid: Interesting.

[after being told to deactivate the laser bars and they deactivate automatically]

Grey: Whoa. Neil, I'm impressed.

Neil: That makes two of us.

Neil: How could they survive a trip across space on a chunk of rock?

Aki: They didn't.

Neil: Oh... this is all beginning to make a creepy sort of sense.

Neil: The controls are located here.

[He tries to open them, but can't]

Neil: Locked, naturally.

Capt. Gray Edwards: I want you two back on the ship.

Neil: We're doing fine, Captain.

[Turns to see Jane fending off a horde of phantoms]

Neil: Jane is negotiating with extreme prejudice.

Carl: Do you think now that I'm single, someone like Temperance would ever date me?

Neil: Not unless you pay for it.

Bob "The Brain": Neil get the pills!

Neil: Attention everyone! Free viagra!

[Neil tosses a dozen Viagra bottles into the air. It's a male free-for-all as the bottles hit the ground]

Neil: Warning may cause anal leakage and premature death. I'm leaking right now...

[Neil runs off]

Neil: Don't make me throw this hummus... it's spicy!

Norman Babcock: I like to be alone.

Neil: So do I! Let's do it together!

Neil: Can you see my dog, Bub? He was hit by an animal rescue van. Tragic and ironic.

Neil: What do we do Mitch?

Mitch: I dunno, I dunno!

Neil: You're the oldest!

Mitch: Not mentally!

Mr. Prenderghast: Pssstttt, you know who I am?

Neil: The weird stinky old bum who lives up the hill?

Mr. Prenderghast: [Points at Norman] I was asking him!

Mr. Prenderghast: Psst!

Neil: [whispers to Norman] I think that statue just pissed at us.

Neil: [to the mob, about Norman] All night long he's been trying to save you guys.

Mitch: Yeah, but all you want to do is burn and murder stuff, burn and murder stuff, just burning and murdering.

Neil: Can you see ghosts like, all the time?

Norman Babcock: Yeah

Neil: Aweeesomeee!

Neil: So what do we do now?

Norman Babcock: Uhh... I... I - I really don't know.

Courtney: Yes you do, Norman. You've gotta get to that witch's grave.

Norman Babcock: But...

Courtney: But nothing, you listen to me, buster. We didn't turn away when Daleridge High was slaughtering our volleyball team, did we?

Norman Babcock: Yeah, we did.

Courtney: No, we didn't. I have cheered the un-cheerable, Norman. And I'm not letting you give up now.

Norman Babcock: Is everyone alright? Nobody got bitten?

Neil: I bit my tongue, does that count?

Neil: MacBook Pro.

Campbell: I'm sorry, what?

Victor: I'm a virgin.

Neil: Wh - you're joking, right, dude? I mean, you're a stallion, man, you've had like fifty or sixty women, so it's, you know, it's like...

Victor: Actually it's closer to... zero.

Neil: Oh my god, oh my god. You are a loser! You are a loser! No!

[under his breath]

Neil: You're such a loser.

Neil: How's your acid reflux?

Veronica: How's your HPV?

Neil: It's your HPV Veronica, I'm just carrying it.

Veronica: Let's not have another chicken or the egg debate, Neil.

Neil: No, lets. Chicken.

Veronica: Egg.

Neil: Chicken.

Veronica: Egg.

Neil: Chicken.

Veronica: Egg.

Neil: Chicken.

Veronica: Egg.

Neil: Chicken.

Veronica: Egg.

Neil: Chicken.

Veronica: Egg!

Neil: Your flesh, slick with cocoa butter, it haunts me.

Veronica: How's Veronica?

Neil: Veronica's fine, Veronica.

Veronica: I can't believe you named your dog Veronica.

Neil: I can't believe you sucked off that hobo for magic beans!

Veronica: He was a wizard, Neil!

Neil: Shh! I wanna be on you, in you. I wanna be allllllllllllll over your chin. Do you still like crème brûlée?

Veronica: Do you still like fingers in your butt hole?

Neil: You know the answer is yes.

Veronica: Neil.

Neil: Veronica.

Veronica: Neil. You look pale.

Neil: You look pregnant.

Veronica: You look like you slept in a soup kitchen urinal.

Neil: You look like you bathe in a dumpster behind the abortion clinic.

Veronica: You look like the kid who got cancer for Christmas.

Neil: You look like the slutty one on The Golden Girls.

Veronica: Dorothy?

Neil: Blanche.

Veronica: You take that back, you son of a bitch! You take it back! Take that back!

Neil: I wanna taste you. I wanna lick you until you weep.

Neil: People who get married are not to be trusted. You know why? Because if you were legitimately happy, honestly you wouldn't feel the need to make a big show out of it. You wouldn't have to broadcast it. They do it because they're insecure and because they think that getting married is what they're supposed to be doing now. And so they're lying to themselves and they're lying to others.

Neil: So, we're not getting married but I have to get rid of my pants?

Neil: I don't wanna be with anybody else, I just wanna be with Beth.

Neil: They can lay horizontal!

Dalton: Gentlemen, what are the Four Pillars?

Dalton, Meeks, Neil, Knox, Todd Anderson: Travesty. Horror. Decadence. Excrement.

Pepe: Art sure is ugly.

Neil: Shows how much you know about art. The uglier the art, the more it's worth.

Pepe: This must be worth a fortune, man.

Deuce Bigalow: I'm fifteen hundred short. Isn't there anything else you can do?

Neil: Listen, I came all over the place... down from six grand. This is a custom hand job.

Duncan: She says to me "You look like Lionel Ritchie."

Neil: Well, that's great, isn't it?

Duncan: No. That's not great. That's not good.

Neil: What about Santa's reindeer? Have you even seen a reindeer fly?

Charlie: Yes.

Neil: Well, I haven't.

Charlie: Have you ever seen a million dollars?

Neil: No.

Charlie: Just because you can't see something, doesn't mean is doesn't exist.

Neil: No Dede, don't. Where are you?

Dede: Outside his place.

Neil: What? No!

Dede: I can't help it.

Neil: Alright. Listen to me, okay? I want you to turn around and go someplace safe. What's near you?

[Dede pauses to think]

Neil: [shouts] Think!

Dede: Okay, f**k! The salon where I work is pretty close.

Neil: Where is it? TELL ME!

Dede: Damn, dude. You just got all Jack Bauer on me.

Neil: Hi mom, I'm a little busy right now.

Roberta: That's funny, because I wasn't too busy to give birth to you 28 years ago.

Neil: Wow! You, like, literally transplanted a baby's butt on my face.

Cabbie: Hey, move your shit fat girl.

Neil: I'm a guy, asshole.

[Pounds on the cab]

Neil: a fat guy.

Neil: I got fired yesterday for filming up my boss's skirt.

[pause]

Neil: I told her it was for a documentary called what the ground sees.

[Everyone chuckles]

Neil: Oddly enough, she didn't buy it.

Adam: Dude, you really are Anthony Edwards.

Neil: Fuck that. I'm George Clooney.

Neil: You know, it is kind of sexist you thinking her kicking a football is cool.

Leo Palamino: It is cool.

Jill: [on a handglider] Woo hu hooo.

Neil: My wife flies. That's cool.

Leo Palamino: Eh!

Neil: Also, she made my ballsack a Twitter account.

Neil: So, someone started a drinking game.

Leo Palamino: How's it work?

Neil: Well, it's very simple. They go into a pub. If you're in the pub, you're drinking and you say, "I love you," then they drink.

Mandeep: Hmm.

Neil: [seeing Leo get up on the stool] No no no no no. Leo, no, come on.

Mandeep: [together with Neil] No no no no no no NOOOO no no no no no! No.

Leo Palamino: [to the crowd] You're assholes! You know that?

[pause]

Leo Palamino: But I love you!

[Everybody cheers and drinks]

Leo Palamino: I don't want your balls on my phone.

Neil: If they say wise or hilarious things, you do.

Neil: How the hell did Dupree wind up on the worng island?

Carl Peterson: Dupree was born on the wrong island.

Neil: [watch beeps] Shit balls!

Carl Peterson: What's that?

Neil: It's my alarm. My hour's up. That's it for me.

Carl Peterson: What, are you kidding me? Where are you going?

Neil: I've got to go meet my wife and watch Sisterhood of the Traveling Ya-Ya Pants. I don't... How late do you get to stay out? I used to have midnight. Do you get midnight? 'Cause I was late once...

Carl Peterson: I'm a grown man, Neil. I don't have a curfew.

Neil: Not yet you don't.

Neil: [breathes in Carl's face] Do I smell like beer?

Carl Peterson: Yeah.

Neil: Good. Because you know what I don't smell like, then? Cigarettes and weed.

Carl Peterson: Why don't you watch it in your house?

Neil: Because I can't have friends over on weeknights and you know that.

Neil: [on the phone with Carl] Did you actually throw away your porn collection?

Carl Peterson: Look, Neil, I'm having a dinner party.

Neil: I'm coming to get it.

[yells to his wife]

Neil: Going to Starbucks! Be back!

Neil: Don't tell me you want the porn back because you can't have it! Why is it all Asian?

Neil: You cannot come in here. She said so, man. She makes the rules.

Carl Peterson: You know what? I don't need this, Neil. I don't need this.

Neil: I don't need this! I'm sorry!

Annie: Neil, get back in here!

Neil: She controls what I do!

[Jeff and Neil are watching the girls change through a window]

Jeff: What'd we do to deserve this?

Neil: We died and went to heaven.

Neil: When we get to the country, we are gonna piss up all the trees to mark our teritory, then we are gonna find a pub and get so drunk we can't remember how to speak, and we'll communicate in grunts like neanderthals, before passing out in the woods!

Banksy: It could be worse!

Neil: How many fingers am I holding up?

Banksy: Uh...

Neil: How could this get any worse?

Neil: Alright, calm down... You sound like a dolphin.

Neil: Your mom has a lot of religious stuff.

Julia: I think that's why my dad killed himself.

Neil: How can you hang out with that guy? He's like everything you pretend to hate.

Neil: I don't know if I've, uh... ever attracted to anyone before you.

Julia: You mean, any girl?

Neil: Any human being.

Julia: What are you attracted to, about me?

Neil: I'm not ashamed of myself with you.

[They kiss]

Denis: You're staring virgin stare.

Neil: I do?

Denis: Yeah, well, con virgins.

Neil: Hey, I love you too.

Julia: [Smiles] Well, duh.

[Troy drops his robe, ready to model nude for art class]

Troy: [to Mr. Thompson] So, uh, w-where do you want me?

Tiffani: [almost to herself] On my face!

Neil: [to Troy, nervously] D-Right here on my desk and, uh, we'll get you in, um, several different positions.

Kyle: [almost to himself] Missionary, reverse-cowgirl, sixty-nine...

Lucien: Ya know, we could do this later if you want?

Neil: Oh god Lucien, she's ruined it for me Lucien. I mean it's all so boring now!

Lucien: Hey, hey let's put in a movie?

Neil: No, no more movies. It's no use, it's not enough anymore, ya know? It's just all so mundane and so predictable Lucien. Oh hey look! It's Jayson. Jayson's going to come in here and he's going to hand me a package, and then he's going hand me his thing, and I'm going to sign the thing and I'm going to hand it right back to him, and then he's going to get in his truck and he's going to drive of. Oh, it's... it's so predictable Lucien, it's not enough anymore, ya know? Where's the... where's the adventure, you know?

[while signing Jayson's package]

Neil: there's no adventure man. Where's the adventure Lucien?

Jay: You signed it Neil Adventure.

[Neil signs it again]

Jay: You crossed out Adventure and wrote adventure again.

Neil: What does it matter Jayson? Huh!

[Neil walks away]

Jay: It matters because I'm actually responsible for any package that doesn't have a valiad signature or receipt...

Lucien: [Goes to sign the package] Jesus Christ...

Jay: I don't make the rules.

Lucien: Lighten up Jayson.

Denise: I bet you're gonna say next it's not you, it's me.

Neil: No, no, no, it's definitely you. Look, Denise, you're not enough like Katharine Ross in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Denise: I don't know what that means!

Neil: She was so supportive, you know. She... she didn't make Paul Newman feel stupid. She went along with it.

Neil: You never rented a movie?

Violet: Well, I've been to a movie. Does that count?

Neil: Um, I don't really know where to begin, uh... I told myself I wouldn't cry. No, seriously I have so many people to thank.

Violet: So which one should I rent...? So which one do you recommend?

[Hits Neil on back with videos]

Violet: All of a sudden you're a mute?

Neil: Oh, err, I take it your talking to me now?

Violet: Who else would I be talking to?

Lucien: So what was the Bet?

Jonathan: If the bugs won, I could shove a burrito in your face.

Lucien: Well you know the last time you lost, I was supposed to get to piss on your foot, but I never did.

Jonathan: What you waiting for? You want to piss on my foot, be my guest.

Lucien: Hey Neil!

Neil: Yeah?

Lucien: Want to see me piss on his foot?

Neil: Uh, sure, yeah... Just not in the store.

Jonathan: Did she have any wild mood swings?

Neil: No, she was... she was, you know, she was pretty consistently out there.

Jonathan: Yeah alright then, she's not bi-polar.

Neil: Look, Denise, you're not enough like Katherine Ross in "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid."

Denise: [Exasperated] I don't know what that means!

Neil: She was so supportive, you know... she, she didn't make Paul Newman feel stupid. She went along with it...

Denise: Well, you know what, Neil, you can't go along with someone who's going nowhere. Someone who runs a shitty little video store that doesn't even make any money and, and spends his days hanging around a bunch of dorks talking about "The Seventh Seal."

Neil: Hey, you liked "The Seventh Seal."

Denise: I was FAKING it, you sucker!

Denise: [Mockingly imitating her fake reverence of Bergman] Oh... oh, THIS is Bergman? The IMAGERY, it's so POWERFUL! WHAT a GENIUS! I'm SO HAPPY you made me watch this... Hah!

Jonathan: Nobody comes out to see these local bands. These are shitty bands, man. Who wants to watch a bunch of high school metal heads with names like "Shittin' Bricks" and "Trojan Whores"?

Neil: "Trojan Whores"?

Jonathan: Yeah

Neil: I like that.

Violet: I gotta' tell ya' though, you missed one hell of a Happy Hour.

Violet: [Drunkenly slurring her words] They got the best goddamned 'peanuss' in town.

Neil: What?

Violet: "Peanuts": P - E - A -... nuts.

Neil: What are you laughing at?

Jane: You.

Neil: Me?

Jane: You make me laugh. You make me happy.

Jane: Will you pray with me?

Neil: [voice over] I had no faith. You knew. Were you afraid?

Neil: My sweet love. At last. My hope. How I loved you...

Pink Second Skin dude: [Holding a laptop in a pink full body/face suit] Is there WIFI on the bus?

Neil: Dude... Kill your self

Neil: *Walks up to June who slowly rises from her chair* Hi.

June Boatwright: Hi.

Neil: *pause* Did you call me here to talk? I am a little busy...

June Boatwright: You ain't the only one who's busy, Neil.

Neil: *voice rises in irritation* So I'm just supposed to stand here and watch how busy you are...

June Boatwright: No! *Both turn away with a sigh*

[last lines]

Neil: [narration voice-over] And as we sat there listening to the carolers, I wanted to tell Brian it was over now and everything would be okay. But that was a lie, plus, I couldn't speak anyway. I wish there was some way for us to go back and undo the past. But there wasn't. There was nothing we could do. So I just stayed silent and trying to telepathically communicate how sorry I was about what had happened. And I thought of all the grief and sadness and fucked up suffering in the world, and it made me want to escape. I wished with all my heart that we could just leave this world behind. Rise like two angels in the night and magically... disappear.

Neil: As we sat there listening to the carolers, I wanted to tell Brian that it was over now and that everything would be okay. But that was a lie, plus I couldn't speak anyway. I wish there was some way to go back and undo the past. But there wasn't. There was nothing we could do. So I just stayed silent and tried to telepathically communicate how sorry I was about what happened. And I thought of all the grief and suffering and fucked up stuff in the world, and it made me want to escape. I wished with all my heart we could just leave this world behind. Rise like two angels in the night and magically disappear.

Neil: You called me your fucking... angel.

[narration voice-over]

Neil: I met Wendy Peterson when I was ten. She was eleven, one grade ahead of me in school. If I wasn't queer we would have ended up having sloppy teenage sex and getting pregnant, contributing more fucked-up unwanted kids to society. But instead, she became my soulmate. And... one true partner in crime.

Neil: I hate it when they look like Tarzan but sound like Jane.

Eric: I got a postcard from Wendy.

Neil: I think she's mad at me because I owe her like 3 letters.

Eric: Yeah, her last P.S. is "Tell Fuckface to write me."

Neil: Different folks, different strokes.

Neil: You're the only one I ever told.

Wendy: I know.

Neil: I never told Eric or my Mom. And I know some people might think it's f_____d up, or whatever? But what happened that summer... is a huge part of me. No one ever made me feel that way, before or since. Like I was special.

Wendy: Neil, you were eight years old.

Neil: Yeah, but he really loved me. I mean, there were other kids sometimes, but... I was his prize. I was his one true love.

Neil: I am so sick of this stinkin' little buttcrack of a town!

Neil: I stay in control.

Neil: [narrating] I've been masturbating for years but it was until that summer that jizz actually squirted out of my dick when I came.

Max: What if I told you, I have no interest in getting laid right now?

Neil: Interest in getting laid is the human condition!

Max: If I choose to be celibate, it's none of your business.

Neil: This isn't celibacy we're talking about, it's fucking necrophilia!

Neil: I'm directing this piece - *you* can direct the Pinter play next semester.