Russell Quotes in Rogue (2007)

Russell: Are you sure you want to be the last one across?

Pete McKell: No, not really.

Melissa: Where are we going?

Russell: Seventh floor.

Melissa: Why?

Russell: Lucky number?

Melissa: The maid's quarters? Romantic.

Russell: You know what they say. Beggars can't be choosers.

Melissa: Who's begging?

Russell: That might sound boring, but I think the boring stuff is the stuff I remember the most.

Carl Fredricksen: Hey, let's play a game. It's called "See Who Can Be Quiet the Longest".

Russell: Cool! My mom loves that game!

Russell: [reading from his scout handbook in monotone] Good afternoon. My name is Russell, and I am a Wilderness Explorer in Tribe 54, Sweatlodge 12. Are you in need of any assistance today, sir?

Carl Fredricksen: No.

Russell: I could help you cross the street.

Carl Fredricksen: No.

Russell: I could help you cross your yard.

Carl Fredricksen: No.

Russell: I could help you cross your... porch?

Carl Fredricksen: No.

Russell: Well, I gotta help you cross *something*!

Russell: [Whining] I'm tired! My knee hurts!

Carl Fredricksen: Which knee?

Russell: ...My elbow hurts!

[Carl, with his house high in the air, hears a knock at the door and finds Russell on the front porch]

Russell: Hi, Mr. Fredricksen! It's me, Russell!

Carl Fredricksen: What are you doing out here, kid?

Russell: I found the snipe and I followed it under your porch, but this snipe had a long tail and looked more like a large mouse.

[Russell's Wilderness Explorers flag blows away in the wind]

Russell: Please let me in.

Carl Fredricksen: No.

[Carl goes inside and slams the door. Russell waits uncertainly a few moments]

Carl Fredricksen: [opens the door] Oh, all right. You can come...

[Russell races past Carl into the house]

Carl Fredricksen: ...in.

Russell: [Carl and Russell find Dug in a South American desert; Russel pets him] Hey, I like dogs!

Carl Fredricksen: [calling out] We have your dog!

Russell: [Dug walks around Russell] Whoa.

Carl Fredricksen: I wonder who he belongs to?

Russell: Sit, boy.

[Dug sits]

Russell: Hey look, he's trained! Shake.

[Dug shakes his paw]

Russell: Uh-huh. Speak.

Dug: Hi there.

Carl Fredricksen: [He and Russell make surprised exclamations] Did that dog just say "Hi there"?

Dug: Oh, yes.

Carl Fredricksen: Whaa!

Dug: My name is Dug. I have just met you, and I love you.

[he jumps up on Carl]

Carl Fredricksen: Wha...

Dug: My master made me this collar. He is a good and smart master and he made me this collar so that I may speak. Squirrel!

[looks to distance for a few seconds]

Dug: My master is good and smart.

Carl Fredricksen: It's not possible!

Dug: Oh, it is because my master is smart!

Russell: Cool! What do these do, boy?

Russell: [Russell starts to fiddle with a dial on Dug's collar, causing him to cycle through languages and different voices] Hey would you - cuerdo con tigo - I use that collar - watashi wa hanashi ma - to talk with. I would be happy if you stop.

Carl Fredricksen: Russell, don't touch that. It could be... radioactive or something.

Dug: I am a great tracker. My pack sent me on a special mission, all by myself. Have you seen a bird? I am going to find one, and I am on the scent. I am a great tracker; did I mention that?

[Dug is suddenly attacked by Kevin, who shrieks in Dug's face after pinning him to the ground]

Dug: Hey, that is the bird! I have never seen one up close, but this is the bird. May I take your bird back to camp as my prisoner?

Carl Fredricksen: Yes, yes, take it! And on the way, learn how to bark like a real dog!

Dug: Oh, I can bark.

[barks]

Dug: And this is howling.

[howls]

Russell: [Kevin screeches] Can we keep him? Please, please, please?

Carl Fredricksen: No.

Russell: But it's a TALKING DOG!

Carl Fredricksen: It's just a weird trick or something. Let's get to the falls.

[Carl just saved Russell, tied to a chair, from falling to his death off Muntz' Airship, and leaves him on the porch]

Russell: But I want to help!

Carl Fredricksen: I don't want your help, I want you safe.

Russell: A wilderness explorer is a friend to all, be a plant or fish or tiny mole!

Carl Fredricksen: That doesn't even rhyme!

Russell: [offended] Yeah it does.

Russell: [off screen in the jungle] Mr. Fredricksen? Am I supposed to dig the hole before or after?

Carl Fredricksen: Nyaa! None of my concern!

Russell: [after a pause] Oh... It's before!

Carl Fredricksen: Nyaa!

[covers his ears and shakes his head]

Russell: [points to Kevin] I found the snipe!

Carl Fredricksen: [amused] Oh, did you now?

[chuckles]

Russell: Are they tall?

Carl Fredricksen: Oh, yes. They're very tall.

Russell: Do they have a lot of colors?

Carl Fredricksen: They do, indeed!

Russell: Do they like chocolate?

Carl Fredricksen: Ye... chocolate?

[he turns around and sees Kevin]

Carl Fredricksen: Gaah! What is that thing?

Carl Fredricksen: I can't tell where we are.

Russell: Oh, we're in South America, all right. It was a cinch with my Wilderness Explorer GPS.

Carl Fredricksen: GP what?

Russell: My dad gave it to me; it shows exactly where we are on the planet!

[runs to window making beeping sounds]

Russell: With this baby, we'll never be lost!

[gestures and accidentally throws the unit out the window]

Russell: Oops.

Carl Fredricksen: You'd better get up, Russell. Or else, the tigers will come and eat you.

Russell: There are no Tigers in South America. Zoology.

Alpha: [Through a communicator on Beta's collar] This is Alpha calling Dug. Come in, Dug.

Dug: Hi Alpha. Hey, your voice sounds funny.

Alpha: I know, I know! Have you seen the bird?

Dug: Why, yes. The bird is my prisoner now.

Gamma: Yeah, right!

[Kevin hisses at the screen]

Alpha: Impossible! Where are you?

Dug: I am here with the bird, and I will bring it back, and then you will like me. Oh, gotta go.

[Russell appears on the screen]

Russell: Hey Dug! Who you talking to?

Alpha: [the screen goes black] No, wait, wait!

Beta: What's Dug doing?

Gamma: Why's he with that small mailman?

Beta: Where are they?

[Alpha locates Dug on GPS]

Dug: There he is, come on!

[they all dart into the jungle]

Russell: [to Carl, about Kevin] This was her favorite candy bar. Because you sent her away, there's more for you.

Russell: Hey look, buildings! That building's so close, I can almost touch it!

Russell: [In Carl's thought] Wow! This is great! You should try this, Mr. Fredricksen! Look, there's a bus stop that could take me home two blocks away! Heyy, I can see your house from here!

Carl Fredricksen: [pulling on rope] Don't jerk around so much, kid -

[let's go, shocked]

Russell: AHH!

[fades away]

Carl Fredricksen: [back in reality] Well, that's not gonna work.

Russell: Where are you keeping Kevin? Let me go!

Beta: Scream all you want, small mailman.

Alpha: None of your mailman friends can hear you.

Russell: I'll unleash all my Wilderness Explorer training!

Dug: Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please be my prisoner!

Russell: Dug, stop bothering Kevin!

Dug: That man there says I should take the bird...

[Kevin squacks at Dug]

Dug: ... and I love that man there like he is my master.

Carl Fredricksen: I am not your master!

Dug: I am warning you once again, bird!

Russell: Hey! Quit it!

Dug: I am jumping on you now, bird!

Carl Fredricksen: Russell, at this rate we'll never get to the falls!

Dug: Here, bird!

Carl Fredricksen: [to Russell] Now, we're gonna walk to the falls quickly and quietly with no rap music or flashdancing.

Russell: Uh-huh.

Carl Fredricksen: We have three days, at best, before the helium leaks out of those balloons. And if we're not at the falls when that happens...

Russell: [behind Carl, obviously distracted, looking down] Sand.

Carl Fredricksen: ...we're not getting to the falls.

Russell: I found sand!

Carl Fredricksen: [looks up at his house, through a window, to where a picture of old Ellie hangs on the wall] Don't you worry, Ellie. We'll get our house over there.

Russell: I've never been in a floating house before.

[Russell sees a picture of Ellie and laughs]

Russell: Goggles. Look at this stuff. Wow! You're going on a trip?

[Russell picks up a picture of Paradise Falls and reads from it]

Russell: "Paradise Falls, a land lost in time." You're going to South America, Mr. Fredricksen?

[Carl grabs the picture from Russell]

Carl Fredricksen: Don't touch that! You'll soil it.

Russell: You know, most people take a plane, but you're smart because you'll have all your TV and clocks and stuff.

Carl Fredricksen: [Having arrived above Paradise Falls in South America, miles from where they took off] Don't worry, I'll get you down, find a Bus Stop.

[cuts off the strings to some of the balloons, allowing the house to descend down]

Russell: Whoa, that's s gonna be like a billion transfers to get back to my house...

Russell: The wilderness must be explored! CA-CA! RAAWWRR!

Dug: [With Kevin up on the roof of Carl's house, calling out] The Bird is calling to her babies.

Russell: So, Kevin's a Girl?

Alpha: [In squeaky voice] Master, dinner is ready.

Charles Muntz: Oh, yes, broken collar? It's that loose wire again.

[fixes the collar]

Charles Muntz: There you go, big fella.

Alpha: [In deep, intimidating voice] Thank you, Master.

Russell: [Nervously] I liked his other voice better.

[Muntz had just taken Kevin, and set Carl's House on Fire, which popped some of the balloons and left it floating only inches to the ground]

Russell: You gave away Kevin. You just... gave her away.

Carl Fredricksen: This is none of my concern.

[Turns around, Furious after what happened]

Carl Fredricksen: I DIDN'T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS.

Dug: Master, it's alright.

Carl Fredricksen: I AM NOT YOUR MASTER! AND YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP, NONE OF THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED. BAD DOG! BAD DOG! Now whether you assist me or not, I am going to Paradise Falls, if it kills me.

Russell: Oh! Mr. Fredricksen! If we happen to get separated, use the wilderness explorer call: "CA - CA! RAWRRR!"

Dug: I can smell you!

Carl Fredricksen: [confused] What? You can, smell us?

Dug: I can smell you!

Russell: [when Carl realizes that the "person" he's talking to is actually a rock, laughing] You were talking to a rock.

Russell: [Distracting the Dogs on the planes after having managed to finally climb up the hose onto Carl's Porch of his house floating around Muntz' Airship] Hey look, Squirrel!

Beta, Gamma, Omega: Where? Lemme at em.

[Beta, Gamma and Omega all crash into each other, destroying their planes as they activate their parachutes]

Gamma: [Slowly descending] I hate Squirrels!

[Having had a good read of Ellie's book she made many years ago, Carl finally starts to have a Change of Heart]

Carl Fredricksen: [Walking outside] Russell?

[Still mad at Carl, Russell takes some of the Balloons from his Roof, ties them around his waste, and takes Carl's Leaf Blower]

Carl Fredricksen: Russell, what are you doing?

Russell: I'm Gonna help Kevin, even if you won't.

[Russell starts up the Leaf Blower and disappears into the Clouds]

Carl Fredricksen: Russell, No!

Carl Fredricksen: So you want to assist an old person?

Russell: Yep! Then I will be a Senior Wilderness Explorer!

Carl Fredricksen: [looks around furtively, then leans in close] Have you ever heard of a Snipe?

Russell: Snipe?

Carl Fredricksen: Bird. Beady eyes. Every night it sneaks in my yard and gobbles my poor azaleas. I'm elderly and infirm. I can't catch it. If only someone could help me...

Russell: Me! Me! I'll do it!

Carl Fredricksen: Oh, I don't know. It's awfully crafty. You'd have to clap your hands three times to lure it in.

Russell: I'll find it, Mr. Fredricksen!

Carl Fredricksen: I think its burrow is two blocks down. If you go past...

Russell: Two blocks down! Got it!

[Russell runs off down the street, calling out and clapping his hands]

Russell: Sniiiipe! Here, Snipey, Snipey...

Carl Fredricksen: [smirks] Bring it back here when you find it!

Charles Muntz: [Muntz notices that Russell is hanging by Carl's garden hose high in the air. He speaks into his intercom] Gray leader? Take down the house.

Russell: [still hanging on the hose] AAAAh!

[he sees three planes drop out of the blimp]

Russell: Oh?

[the planes swoop in. Three dogs are piloting them]

Beta: Gray Leader, checking in.

Gamma: Gray Two, checking in.

Omega: Gray Three, checking in.

Beta: [they approach Carl's house] Target sighted.

[he chomps down on a squeaky bone. The plane fires projectiles]

[as Carl holds onto the hose to his house, preventing it from drifting away without him and Russell in it, he urges Russell to climb up the hose and onto the porch]

Carl Fredricksen: Once you get to the Porch, find a rope, and pull me up. Got it?

[Russell strains as he tries to climb up the hose off screen, which is hard work]

Carl Fredricksen: Are you on the Porch yet?

[the scene changes to show that Russell has barely made it up an inch]

Russell: [Giving up and Exhausted] I can't do it.

Carl Fredricksen: That's it? I came all this way just to end up on the Wrong Side of this Rock Pile?

Carl Fredricksen: [Depressed] Now what am I gonna do?

Russell: I can assist you to the Falls. We could walk you house over.

Carl Fredricksen: Well, that could work.

Russell: Then when we get there, will you sign my badge?

[Carl ties ropes hanging from the house round his and Russell's waste in the Next Scene as they start to walk]

Carl Fredricksen: You've been camping before, haven't you?

Russell: Well, never outside.

Carl Fredricksen: Well, why didn't you ask your dad how to build a tent?

Russell: I don't think he wants to talk about this stuff.

Carl Fredricksen: Why don't you try him sometime? Maybe he'll surprise you.

Russell: Well, he's away a lot. I don't see him much.

Carl Fredricksen: He's got to be home sometime.

Russell: Well, I called, but... Phyllis told me I bug him too much.

Carl Fredricksen: Phyllis? You call your own mother by her first name?

Russell: Phyllis isn't my mom.

Carl Fredricksen: [sheepish] Oh.

Michelle: [speaking really fast] Guess what? You'll never guess what, I'll betcha! Uncle Cornelius said I could go with you on your ramble today, but I'll betcha he's forgotten all about it, & I'll never, EVER get to see what the big surprise is!

[inhales deeply]

Michelle: What took you so long?

Abigail: My dad!

Edgar: My mother!

Russell: No breakfast!

Russell: [pushing the tiller of a reed boat] I get to steer!

Abigail: [pushing the tiller back] Don't be silly, you'll sink us!

Russell: [pushing back] Will NOT! Give me a chance!

Abigail: This isn't a picnic! Here! Pack something useful!

[Abigail tosses Russell a rope]

Russell: Boy, I've been working up an appetite!

Edgar: We're going to climb?

Russell: We can't DIG our way up!

Abigail: You were right, Edgar. I was wrong. Thanks for coming to my rescue!

[sniffles]

Russell: What about me? I broke your fall!

Abigail: You too, Russell!

Russell: Gee, & I thought meals were ALWAYS out of control at MY house!

Edgar: How are we gonna get anybody to help us find the herbs?

Russell: Maybe these guys won't be so grouchy after they eat.

Abigail: Well, we can't wait that long!

Russell: Wait a minute! I know how to get up there. We'll use Cornelius' Flapper-Wing-A-Ma-Thing.

Edgar: Russell, good thinking! We'll FLY to the top of the cliff!

Willy: You don't really mean "fly"?

Waggs: You heard 'em, Willy. They'll flap their little paws & fly like birdies.

[laughing]

Michelle: What's that?

Cornelius: Great Honk!

[sees the Flapper-Wing-A-Ma-Thing]

Cornelius: My Flapper-Wing-A-Ma-Thing! But how did you get it here?

Abigail: We built it.

Russell: And we flew it!

Cornelius: Marvelous! Magnificent! Stupendous! You three have changed so much these past few days, I hardly recognize you.

[happily]

Cornelius: You're no longer my Furlings. You've grown up.

Russell: Good thing you're a slow climber!

Abigail: You'll find some more, Russell. That's never been a problem for you!

Russell: That's true...

Abigail: I can hardly see him behind his papers. He must be working on an experiment.

Edgar: Good. Maybe he won't notice we're late.

Michelle: I bet he's working on the big surprise, I'll betcha!

Russell: Oh, I LOVE surprises! Let's have a look!

Cornelius: Russell, your mouth is hanging open!

Russell: Oh, I want to fly it! PLEASE?

Abigail: Don't be silly, you'll crash it!

Cornelius: Correct, Abigail. It's far too delicate for Furlings.

Abigail: Huh? I didn't mean me!

Russell: What's he squawking about?

Edgar: Shhhh... someone's died.

Russell: Oh...

Waggs: For all the good it'll do you, I'd like to see YOU get the lungwort! No one in Oakdale's ever been able to reach it! But I'll bet you three can!

Russell: That's right! We've already got a plan, right, Edgar?

Edgar: I don't know.

Russell: You've been leading long enough, now it's MY turn!

Abigail: You probably don't even know where you're going!

Russell: Maybe YOU don't know where you're going, but I do!

[falls onto a road]

Russell: I guess we wrecked the big surprise.

Cornelius: No, you just wrecked months & months of work!

Russell: [whining] Mom, they won't give me a chance for breakfast!

Russell's Mother: [washing dishes] Well, you'll just have to be quicker, Rollin!

Russell: [annoyed] I'm not Rollin, Mother! I'm Russell! RUSSELL!

Russell: [to Amanda] I just figured that you were the one that was CRAZY that's all.

Amanda: Crazy? Crazy? If you think it's crazy to think that theirs more to life then video games and $100 running shoes, well then I guess I'm crazy. You know but let me tell you something there are a lot of very intelligent people that have had a lot of crazy ideas. Like Atlantis.

Russell: My Aunt's from Atlanta and she's not crazy.

Amanda: Not from Atlanta genius, Atlantis. Lost Continent? They has a civilization that was way ahead of us.

Russell: Atlantis wasn't real. It was just a myth

Amanda: Really? Do you know what this is?

[She takes off her necklace]

Russell: Part of an old chandelier right?

Amanda: Wrong. My Grandfather was given this in World War II. My an old woman he met in Italy. She was descended from the original inhabitance of Atlantis. She told him they used to use the crystals for power. It could extract energy from the crystals. Enough energy to power the whole continent.

Russell: I bet Gramps had to give her a whole pack of Juicy Fruit for it.

Amanda: You don't take anything seriously. Give me it back.

Russell: What can I say? I believe. The supernatural world is an amazing place.

Amanda: To visit.

[Amanda giggles]

Amanda: But I wouldn't want to live there.

Russell: You want my opinion?

Gerry: Will I like it?

Russell: Well, of course not! It'll be based in reality.

Russell: You've been talking to yourself in the mirror again, haven't you?

Russell: Sorry, let me just... Lydia's becoming more and more demanding and you feel bad because Helen's working night and day to keep the money coming in. But you've asked Helen to come on a research trip to Dorset with you - knowing that she wouldn't be able to - to cover up the fact that you're really taking Lydia. And despite the fact that Lydia gave you an out on the phone - which you didn't take - you're having a moral dilemma.

[pause]

Russell: Gerry, you are a morality-free zone.

Russell: I must say, being friends with you certainly makes the wait for the next episode of "Seinfeld" much easier to bear.

Lance: All I can find are these scrunchies.

Miles: Yeah and socks.

Russell: Cha-ching! I found bras!

Miles: Yeah!

Russell: Last chance to see a picture of me in a coma.

Julie Corky: You were barely in a coma.

Russell: 3... hours!

Monique: Russell, there's beer cans in the trash in the kitchen. There's beer cans in the trash in the bathroom. There's beer cans in the trash in the basement. What does that say?

Russell: We're out of beer?

Monique: [yelling] Mom! Can you please tell your love slave that if he's not part of the solution, he's part of the problem.

Russell: The only problem I have is that I've run out of Depends.

Monique: You know, Russell, there is a bathroom right around the corner.

Russell: I can't go to the bathroom. I hurt my bladder rollerblading.

Bud: Russel! How'd you get a job?

Russell: Fucking President Clinton.

Doyle: You had sex with President Clinton?

Russell: You're like the drummer from REO Speedwagon. Nobody knows who you are.

Russell: Oh yeah, that picture goes up on the wall she slides into the sack faster than a singed Koala bear looking for an all night burn center.

Russell: Check it out guy, he's the alpha male of the store... chicks always go after the alpha male, they're like lions... kings of the desert. And you, you're just a little tiny fieldmouse dangling in the teeth of the lion while he's banging your chick. Oh wait a minute... boxboy, you're like the little hairy nutsack on the little hairy fieldmouse swinging back and forth while he's banging your chick...

Zack: [radio] You're metaphors are magical, but shut the hell up! please?

[radio]

Russell: [radio] Roger... Just going back and forth hairy calahari style in and out with his big...

[radio]

Russell: Jesus Christ. Where the hell are we, Chuck E. Cheese-istian?

Russell: Think about it guys, we could be working over there at Maxi-Mart and that place really sucks. Pass me the chips there, eight balls.

[Iqbal passes a bulk size bag of chips]

Lon: Plus, I hear they make you wear those house-arrest ankle bracelet things, so they know where you are all the time and if you leave the main floor, you get a little shocker.

[Blows a party kazoo]

Russell: True. I knew a guy in upper management, man, went crazy. Strapped one of those things around his hairy ballsack, ran out in the parking lot and blew a three dollar Hawaiian wonder cooler all over the place.

Iqbal: Ids-kay, ids-kay.

Russell: Knocked the little Korean kid right out of shopping basket.

Russell: Anne Frank. Anne Frank. The soldiers are gone. Come out and play.

[talking about Oliver]

Russell: He left you a ticket.

Igby: Excellent.

Russell: It's nonrefundable. He wanted me to tell you that.

Igby: Dick.

Russell: I told her; Lorna Luft was just too fucking obscure. People just think you're doing a bad Liza.

Russell: [about Peeka] Psycho bitch. She's a little upset. Her one-woman play didn't go down too well at the Pyramid tonight.

Igby: Uh-huh.

Russell: THE WORLD ISN'T READY FOR PEEKA! I told her, Lorna Luft is just too fucking obscure. People just think you're doing a bad Liza.

Russell: Either we're in a relationship or we're not.

Kevin: Why does it have to be that way?

Russell: It just does.

Gunnar: Uh, how am "I" the mom?

Russell: Um... 'cause you have man-boobs, Gunnar. Isn't that obvious?

Kimberly: I really like you, Russell. I-I mean, I only got with Gunnar just so that we could chill.

Russell: This is so messed up.

Russell: How would you like to be part owners of the Partridge me the Plough?

Carmen: When I realized Django was my spirit-mate, the animal world became so visible to me.

Joseph: As opposed to the vegetable and mineral worlds?

Penny: Now, who's' Django?

Bryan: Oh, that was Carmen's dog. He lived to be 24.

Penny: Oh.

Carmen: It was then that the gift blossomed in me. My third eye truly opened. What Django felt, I felt. I traveled through the world with him, seeing what he saw.

Russell: And what did he see?

Carmen: He saw things for what they are. He was connected to the prana.

Joseph: Oh, the prana.

Penny: Shut up, Joseph. You're such a tight ass. Do you have to be so one-dimensional?

Joseph: Excuse me for living in this dimension.

Beth: Carmen, do you see him? Is he alright?

Joseph: Beth, are you kidding me?

Beth: Can you see what he sees?

Carmen: Yes.

Russell: What do you see?

Carmen: I see trees and the shed with construction equipment in it and mountains.

Joseph: Wow. That really pinpoints it.

Russell: It's true what they say about you Pollack girls. All they have to do is blow in their ear. But with you, all I had to do was look at you.

Russell: [to Frankie] Then after we go over to Orlando. We're gonna burn the car. So Kenny sticks a rag in the gas tank and he lights it off.

Kenny Gill: [flashback to when they're going to burn the car] Do be such a-Russell, you're a fucking pussy. I've done it a million fucking times.

[lights the rag with a lighter]

Kenny Gill: It's fine. It goes up like a fuckin bonfire. You'll love it.

[he walks away towards the back of the car and faces it from a few yards away. The rag's flame is spreading]

Kenny Gill: See?

[Kenny looks at Russell and back at the car. They're both watching the car and the flame spread on the rag. The car blows up and the impact makes it instantly reverse towards Kenny. Kenny topples over on the road and is rolling around in pain. Russell starts laughing hysterically]

Kenny Gill: Ah fuck!

Russell: [scene goes back to Russell telling the story to Frankie] Kenny, he didn't have no eyebrows left, not much hair, and no sense of humor either.

Glen: Do you ever think about finding your parents?

Russell: No, not really.

Glen: Why not?

Russell: I don't really see the point. You know, I don't think it would change anything.

Glen: Why don't I pretend to be your dad and you can come out to me?

Russell: [laughs] That is SO weird.

Glen: Just ignore the fact we just had sex.

Russell: I don't think I can. Guess I'll try. Ok.

[looks Glen in the eye]

Russell: Dad? I got something I need to tell you.

Glen: [pretending to be Russell's dad] What's that?

Russell: I'm gay.

Glen: [pretends to think] Hmm.

Russell: I like guys, not girls.

Glen: [breathes out slowly] Well. You know what, son. It doesn't matter to me. I love you just the same. And guess what?

Russell: What?

Glen: I couldn't be more proud of you than if you were the first man on the moon.

Glen: Well, you know what it's like when you first sleep with someone you don't know?

Russell: Yes.

Glen: It's... you, like, become this blank canvas and it gives you an opportunity to project onto that canvas who you want to be. That's what's interesting because everybody does that.

Russell: So do you think that I did it?

Glen: Course you did. Well, what happens is while you're projecting who you want to be... this gap opens up between who you want to be and who you really are. And in that gap, it shows you what's stopping you becoming who you want to be.

Russell: I moved around in foster homes until I was about sixteen.

Glen: [softly] Mm-hm. Fuck.

Russell: Met my best mate there, Jamie, when we were twelve. Erm yeah, it was nice, we just went around as a pair.

Glen: Fucking hell. What was it like?

Russell: What?

Glen: Being "in care".

Russell: It was fine. I mean, I wasn't abused or anything.

Glen: Shame, you should've got a refund. Do they know about you?

Russell: Who?

Glen: Jamie?

Russell: Yeah. I'm like his brother really. Everyone knows about me of my friends. Close ones, anyway.

Glen: [Glen starts snickering, bit ashamed]

Russell: What? What?

Glen: [snickers] Is it really wrong that I find the whole orphan thing pretty sexy?

[laughs out loud]

Russell: [smilingly] O my god. What's wrong with you?

Glen: It's like when you've had the same friends for too long, they become like - Everything becomes cemented.

Russell: What? And that's a bad thing, is it?

Glen: Of course, it's a bad thing. I don't want to be in fucking concrete, thank you very much.

Glen: It's like they won't let you, they won't let you be any version of yourself except an old version, or the version that they want you to be.

Glen: Look. Straight people like us as long as we conform, we behave by their little rules. Imagine your friends if you suddenly started getting all, but really, political about being a fag, or you got suddenly, like, camp and swishy or talked about rimming all the time.

Russell: [interrupting] But that's not what I'm like, is it? That's not who I am.

Glen: Well, just trust me: They like it as long as we don't shove it down their throats.

Russell: Okay, well, why should I just shove it down their throats?

Glen: Because they shove it down our throats all the time: Being straight. Straight story lines on television, everywhere - in books, on billboards, magazines, everywhere. But, ah, the gays, the gays -

[gasps]

Glen: "We mustn't upset the straights. Shh. Watch out. Straights are coming.

[lisping]

Glen: Let's not upset them. Let's hide in our little ghettoes. Let's not hold hands. Let's not kiss in the street, no."

[Glen moves in to kiss Russell, then stops short]

Russell: [covering his mouth] What? Do I have morning breath?

Glen: Quite the contrary. You brushed your teeth.

Russell: No.

Glen: I can smell toothpaste.

Russell: So?

Glen: Now you've broken the rule. Now you smell all minty fresh, and I smell like cock and bum.

Glen: We have the chance to make up our own shit! We can grow our own garden, and put little flowers and pansies and gay gnomes in it, and water features and water sports and slings. But, no. Everybody wants to concrete the fucker over and get a gas barbecue.

Russell: You're obsessed with concrete. You're absolutely obsessed with it.

Glen: [laughing] But why would you want *concrete* when you can have whatever you want?

Russell: I can see it that you think... you think I'm a fucking idiot, because I want a fucking relationship.

Glen: Did I say that?

Russell: But the thing is Glen, the thing is Glen, I think that you want one too.

Glen: The problem is that no one's gonna come and see it, because it's about gay sex. So the gays'll only come because they want a glimpse of a cock, and they'll be disappointed. The straights won't come because, well, it's got nothing to do with their world. They'll go and see pictures of refugees or murder or rape. But gay sex? Fuck off.

Russell: [laughs] Fuck it. Doesn't matter, does it? I'd come.

Glen: No you wouldn't.

[laughs]

Russell: Yeah I would.

[pause]

Russell: Okay, maybe I wouldn't.

[both laughing]

Russell: Maybe I wouldn't come.

Glen: [Glen winking at Russell] What?

Russell: [Russell staring at Glen] Nothing.

Glen: You look like you want to kiss me.

Russell: I do.

Glen: Go on then.

Russell: Not here, I can't.

Glen: I know what artists sound like when they talk about their art, so I am not going to sit around and sound like a cunt.

Russell: Well, it's a good thing you are not an artist yet, then, isn't it?

Glen: Ohh, verrry funny!

Russell: [watching Helena bathe in the fountain] Who is she?

Doctor Nick Cavanaugh: [mesmerized] She's... Helena.

Russell: How the fuck do you peddle an arms race when the only asshole you've got to race against is yourself?

Russell: [on the phone with Ned] I've heard the tapes and I've never so much pussy-footing around in my life! Barley needs to tell Katya, 'No more Greta fucking Garbo!' And Dante better shit or get off the pot! We're being pelted with crap on the streets over here!

Ned: Alright, Russell, message understood.

[Hangs up and calls someone over]

Ned: Russell's metaphors are becoming rather scatological.

Russell: Mr. Blair, we are buying a Picasso, ok? You don't mind an occasional metaphor now and then, do you?

Bartholomew "Barley" Scott Blair: Not at all.

Russell: Good. Some people don't like my metaphors; I don't know why, but... Anyway, everyone in this room is buying the same Picasso. It's very rare... medium rare... well done, what the fuck! The bottom line question is: did Picasso paint it? And you're the man who is selling it to us?

Bartholomew "Barley" Scott Blair: It is not my Picasso, Russell, it is not my Picasso. And I'm not saying it is a Picasso. And, furthermore, I'm not selling it to you. And, lastly, I don't give a fuck whether you buy it or not.

Russell: I am an honest-to-God glasnostic. My parents were glasnostics from way back. My children will be raised glasnostic, even though I don't have any children.

Russell: [to Ned] Dante is going to phone Katya at the hospital. If he does that, will you shut the fuck up? Or stay out of my operation?

[Russell produces a stack of reports on the analysis of Dante's material]

Clive: And is there a conclusion?

Russell: Clive, there is a conclusion: drop it down the toilet.

Ned: And is that what you think, Russell?

Russell: Well, expert opinion has that this notebook was written very quickly... or very slowly. By a man, or a woman. The writer was right-handed, or he was left-handed. What I think? For "experts," there's no toilet deep enough.

Russell: The trouble is, a lot of very favorite sons are in danger of having their rice bowls broken, all on account of these goddamn notebooks. The Soviet military effort is stalled, the American military effort is stalled. These notebooks say their rocket motors suck instead of blow, they can't do solid fuel for shit...

[repeated line]

Russell: I'm King of the Mountain!

Russell: There's no shame being from the reservation.

Russell: If this is my uncle's house, why are *we* sleeping in the van?

Sandra: Who says we're sleeping?

Russell: When did you first fall in love with me?

Sandra: The first time I saw the enormous size of your beautiful... wallet.

Melissa: Hi, I'm Melissa.

Tina: I'm Tina from next door.

Melissa: [snottily] I know!

Russell: Maddy, who's friend is that scuzball dope head?

Melissa: Only the birthday boy's best friend!

Maddy: [grabbing Melissa's necklace] Melissa, those are so pretty. They are absolutely gorgeous. Are they real?

David: [enters kitchen] What a stupid place to put a lamp.

Melissa: There real! On my birthday, my daddy says to me, "Melissa, you are the perfect daughter," and he gives me these and says, "To the best little girl in the whole world!"

Russell: Marcus man... I don't want to do this... come on man... this is too much... we gotta stop

Russell: [on seeing Ivan dressed as a security guard/police officer] What's with the outfit?

Ivan Moser: It's a disguise!

Russell: Disguise from what?

Ivan Moser: From You!

[Attacks him with a Jackhammer]

Russell: I clean up, grab a beer, go sit in the ol' rockin' chair and watch TV. You know, I haven't paid that bill in over a year. All I get is white noise. It's like ants fighting... I sit there every night watching ants fighting until I fall asleep... and in the morning I get up and do it all over again... and that's all there is. I got nothing left... but white noise.

Russell: [Kyle stabs Russell, who's now a vampire, with a umbrella point. Russell gasps] And I lent you my rollerskates!

Kyle Carpenter: Aw, gee, Russell, I feel bad enough already!

[Russell then dies and disintegrates]

Russell: Do you have a license?

Russell: Our luck has got to change sometime.

Brett Stanton: You're like a bunch of dumb cattle. You're stampeded at the sight of trouble, bawl at the first shift of wind. Our luck ain't going to change until you start acting like men.