Mel Quotes in Catch .44 (2011)

[first lines]

Mel: It's sad, isn't it? I've been working with you seven years. Seven years. I always liked you. I Always looked after you. But I never trusted you.

Mel: Have you even known the joys of having children?

Richie: Never had a date.

Clark: Never talked to a girl.

[Carlos is drinking a tequilla while pitching]

Carlos: Maria? Why did you leave me?

Mel: Letting that 12 year old drink like that is disgusting.

Mel: Reggie and I met at Tuba Camp when we were kids

[shows picture of Reggie and Himself playing their tubas when they were younger]

Gus: HAHA,Reggie that was you?

Reggie Jackson: [angrily] What are you laughing about?I was a cute kid.

Gus: [frightened] Oh,uh,Yes.Like a young Denzel.

Richie: [whispered to Clark] I didn't know Denzel played Erkel.

Mel: If you build it, nerds will come.

Mel: Keep it under a billion, that's all I got... on me hahaha.

Mel: Howie, you're a freak.

Gus: [to Nelson] Hey. Are you the kid who got farted on earlier?

Mel: Yes. This is my son Nelson. He's become quite the fart magnet for the neighborhood bullies.

Nelson: I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily.

Clark: When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.

Nelson: His son just did that to me last week.

[looking at Mel's Pontiac Firebird Trans Am]

Clark: This car is so radical. Looks just like K.I.T.T. from the show Knight Rider.

Mel: It is K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider. Watch this.

[Mel activates the car with his watch]

K.I.T.T.: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm K.I.T.T.

Richie: [to Mel] Who are you?

Mel: Oh, I'm just one of those nerds who grew up... to make billions.

[last lines]

Mel: This was a total waste of time, wasn't it?

Gus: Yeah.

Mel: Richie, do you have any kids?

Richie: Never had a date.

Mel: Clark?

Clark: Never spoke to a girl.

Mel: Gu-Gus?

Gus: Ugh, My wife and I are kinda working on it.

Gus: Let's go kick some hairless ass!

Mel: I had hair in my ass before i could *walk*.

Mel: I can't see shit, can you?

Terry: No problem, son, no problem...

Mel: How long before we stop?

Terry: Eight hours!

Mel: Da-D-Damn! I gotta go to the john!

Chloe: And, when that random cat tried to eat Sweet Pea, who saved him?

Buddy: It wasn't a random cat. It was you.

Chloe: The identity of the random cat is not the point. We're talking about who saved him!

Mel: Max did!

Snowball: Welcome my dogs! Oh, you guys look weird. Hurry up, come on in.

Buddy: You said it was a costume party!

Mel: Why do you listen to me?

Mel: I will never eat a pill like that again. Unless it's covered in peanut butter. Because, I mean, come on! Right? It's peanut butter!

Mel: What the hell is that?

Cher: A dress.

Mel: Says who?

Cher: Calvin Klein.

Mel: Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and a shovel, I doubt anybody would miss you.

Mel: Where are you?

Cher: I'm just having a snack at my girlfriend's.

Mel: Where, in Kuwait?

Cher: Is that in the valley?

Mel: You mean to tell me that you argued your way from a C+ to an A-?

Cher: Totally based on my powers of persuasion, you proud?

Mel: Honey, I couldn't be happier than if they were based on real grades.

Mel: Don't tell me those brain-dead lowlifes are calling me again.

Cher: They *are* your parents.

Mel: Do you know what time it is?

Cher: A watch doesn't really go with this outfit, daddy.

Mel: Which reminds me, where's your report card?

Cher: It's not ready yet.

Mel: What do you mean, "it's not ready yet?"

Cher: Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy. And I know how you say, "Never accept a first offer", so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations.

Mel: Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than you did at Easter.

Josh: I don't think so.

Mel: Doesn't he look bigger?

Cher: His head does.

Cher: "Second notice on three outstanding tickets." I don't remember getting a first notice.

Mel: The ticket is the first notice! I didn't even know you could get tickets without a license.

Cher: Oh, you can get tickets anytime.

Mel: I'd like to see you have a little direction.

Cher: I have direction!

Josh: Yeah, towards the mall.

Josh: I think I'd really like to check out Environmental Law.

Mel: Why? You want to have a miserable, frustrating life?

Cher: Oh, Josh will have that no matter what he does.

Mel: At least he knows what he's doing. And he's in a good college. I'd like to see you have a little bit of direction.

Cher: I have direction.

Josh: Yeah, towards the mall.

Mel: So, what did you do in school today?

Cher: Well, I broke in my purple clogs.

Cher: Daddy, this is my friend Tai.

Mel: [shouts] Get out of my chair!

Cher: I'm captain of the Pismo Beach disaster relief.

Mel: I don't think they need your skis.

Cher: Daddy, some people lost all their belongings. Don't you think that includes athletic equipment?

Mel: You drink?

Christian: No, thanks. I'm cool.

Mel: I'm not offering. I'm asking you if you drink. You think I offer alcohol to teenage drivers taking my daughter out?

Christian: Hey man, the protective vibe. I dig.

Mel: What's with you, kid? You think the death of Sammy Davis left an opening in the Rat Pack?

Mel: I expect you to walk through this door in twenty minutes.

Cher: It might take longer than that Dad.

Mel: Everywhere in L.A takes twenty minutes.

Mel: We're going to have a NICE FAMILY MEAL.

Cher: Daddy!

Mel: Cher, please don't start with the juice again

Cher: Daddy you need your vitamin C

Lola: [When looking at the first sample boot created by the Price & Sons company] Please, God! Tell me I have not inspired something burgundy!

Charlie Price: But they're comfy.

Lola: [after Lola had accidentally put the sample boot onto the loudspeaker microphone button] SEX, shouldn't be comfy!

Mel: Thank God, I thought it was just me!

Mel: I want you to take this flashlight and walk the house.

Regina Belmont: But Mel, they throw things at me!

Mel: I don't want those weirdos ripping up the seats.

Regina Belmont: Have you ever been hit with Dots? Milk Duds? Those things hurt, you know!

Mel: Take flashlight. Walk house. Now!

Dean: You know, I think I'm going blind.

Mel: Well we both know what caused that, I think.

Mel: Who ever said you care about me, anyways?

Dark: Didn't I give you my Cap'n Crunch decoder ring back in the 6th grade?

Mel: Isn't sex the best tension release there is? It's like a really good sweaty game of racquetball. Except you get to come at the end.

Mel: [to Agent Tony] You got a lot of nerve. You come in here, you lick my wife's armpit. You know... I'm going to have that image in my head for the rest of my life with your tongue in there.

Nancy Coplin: You deserve it.

Mel: I don't think you know me well enough to call me "Neurotic Guy".

Nancy: No thanks, I'm not hungry.

Mel: Come on, Nance, you're always hungry.

Mel: Oh, so I'm 'Neurotic Guy', is that my designation?

Mary Schlichting: Oh, he was such a cute baby.

Richard Schlichting: It would've been kinda nice... if he had, like, a third eye right there, you know? You know, you know, a third eye is a symbol of enlightenment. You know, he's not- he's not, he's not getting it. He's...

Mary Schlichting: Mel... identity is nothing but a mental construct.

Mel: Mental construct?

Richard Schlichting: Have you ever read any Tibetan Buddhism, like Chaos theory?

Tina: Do you worry about the risk factor involved in gay sex?

Agent Paul: You know, it may be news to you, but not every gay man has, uh, anal sex. That's where a lot of the HIV risk lies.

Agent Tony: For example, I'm very anal. Uh, I-I mean, in, uh, in the sense... that I'm compulsively careful and clean about what touches my body. Not into penetration, at all.

Mel: Okay, do we have to talk about this right now?

Nancy Coplin: Well, why not? Are you a homophobic?

Mel: No, I...

Nancy Coplin: I think it's interesting.

Mel: Really? Well, I think in front of the baby we shouldn't.

Agent Paul: Nancy's just testing the risk factor for sex with Tony, Mel.

Mel: What?

Agent Tony: Paul, don't patronize her.

Agent Paul: I'm not patronizing her.

Agent Tony: She knows that I came of age in the era of AIDS... and even though I'm bisexual I've been incredibly careful, okay? Tested negative three times in the last seven months.

Nancy Coplin: Really?

Agent Paul: Runway ready for takeoff.

Agent Tony: If I remember correctly. Yeah, three times.

Sheriff: Bobby, take these forms back to the office, these release forms and get these nice people their car keys. This is all over here. This is a Federal agent here, and he just told me the whole story about the Shlytings.

Mr. Coplin: Schlitinooks.

Sheriff: Shitkings.

Mrs. Coplin: No, Schlichtings

Sheriff: Well, anyway, it's clear that we have the wrong people here.

Mel: That's what I've been trying to tell this guy for the last half hour.

Mrs. Coplin: Thank God for this Federal agent. And by the way, w-w-why are you not wearing pants?

Agent Paul: I had an experience, that's why.

Mrs. Coplin: What do you mean?

Agent Paul: I resisted at first, and then it evolved and it continues to evolve for me.

Mrs. Coplin: I don't know what the hell he's talking about, but I got some jewelery somewhere, if you please.

Mel: You made LSD? Is that what you're saying?

Richard Schlichting: We made LSD.

Mary Schlichting: Yes, yes. We made acid.

Richard Schlichting: And we gave it out to people who needed it. You know that there are hundreds of pharmaceutical executives in this country... that are selling drugs, FDA approved drugs.

Mary Schlichting: On the open market.

Richard Schlichting: Over the counter with incredible side...

Mary Schlichting: Horrible side effects.

Richard Schlichting: Terrible side effects. And these people are not in jail.

Mary Schlichting: They're not in prison anywhere.

Richard Schlichting: They're, they're, they're in country clubs or playing golf. They're having drinks.

Mary Schlichting: They're running the country, Mel.

Richard Schlichting: You know, LSD shouldn't be a felony in the first place.

Mary Schlichting: It's not addictive.

Richard Schlichting: It doesn't lead to violent crime.

Mary Schlichting: It's really the only hope for the species.

Mel: Did you take acid while you were pregnant with me?

Mary Schlichting: You're not gonna bring that thing up, are you?

Richard Schlichting: You know the stuff they tell you about, you know, chromosome damage and all that stuff?

Mel: Yeah, I do!

Richard Schlichting: That's government propaganda.

Mary Schlichting: Total propaganda.

Richard Schlichting: They just want to get a hold of your head, that's all.

Mary Schlichting: I was relieved, though, when you came out in the hospital and you only had one head.

Mel: Very funny.

Richard Schlichting: [laughing] She- She kills me!

Mel: [sitting next to Tina on the plane] Have you ever heard of hypospadia?

Tina: Is there something wrong with the plane?

Mel: Sometimes I wish that you could just hit the sack and never wake up. If your favorite song never ended, or your best book never closed, if the emotions mustered from these things would just go on and on, who wouldn't want to stay asleep? The guy who discovers that perpetual dream, he's my man.

Mel: I haven't had a real piece of bread in thirty years. If I'd known I would have saved some rolls when I was a kid.

Edna: Why you havin pain's in your chest?

Mel: Because I don't have a job! Because I don't have a suit to wear. Because I'm having a God-damned nervous breakdown and they didn't even leave me with a decent pair of pajamas.

Mel: Sons of bitches! Dirty rotten bastards! You heard me.

[gesture's middle finger]

Mel: I've been here for three hours Harry... so far I got poison ivy, got chewed up by gnats, laid down in manuare, and your dog piddled all over my car... so I haven't really had a lot of time for rural ecstasy.

Mel: Could we turn all of these off, it looks like a night game at Shea Stadium!

Mel: Respect my ass!

Mel: God... God... God... God...

Edna: Mel?

Mel: Huh?

Edna: Can't you sleep?

Mel: If I could sleep would I be laying here calling God at 2:00 in the morning?

Mel: Oh am I gonna get that guy Jacoby! I know exactly what time he comes home.

Mel: Drunk on what? They took the liquor!

Mel: If you're a human being, then you reserve the right to complain, to protest. If you give up that right then you cease to exist.

Mel: I don't know either where I am or who I am. I'm disappearing, Edna. I don't need an analyst, I need Lost & Found!

Mel: The vice president in charge of my department used the same paper clip for six months. *Nobody* ever came to work late anymore. They were all afraid if you didn't show up, somebody'd sell your desk!

Edna: I have no strength left. Nothing. I couldn't even open my pocketbook on the bus today. A little boy hadda help me.

Mel: You have strength, Edna.

Edna: I have ANGER! No strength.

Edna: Come on, Mel. I haven't seen you since breakfast yesterday, and I'm gonna' be fast asleep in 15 minutes. Talk to me. What did you do today?

Mel: [with sarcasm in his tone] I took a *walk*!

Edna: Good. Where?

Mel: From the bedroom into the living room.

Edna: That's all?

Mel: Mm mm. Then I walked back into the bedroom... and once I went into the kitchen for a glass of water. I'd say that was my "high peak" of the day.

Edna: We've been robbed.

Mel: What do you mean, "robbed"?

Edna: Robbed. Robbed! What does "rob" mean? They come in, they take things out. You had 'em, now they got 'em. They used to be yours, now they're theirs. We've been robbed!

Mel: Uh, I don't understand... You mean someone walked in here and robbed us?

Edna: What do you think, they called up and made an appointment? We've been ROBBED!

Mel: And as sure as you are sitting here in this room, there is a plot going on in this country today.

Edna: Against whom?

Mel: Against me!

Edna: The whole country?

Mel: Well, not against me personally. But they're after you, our kids, my family, every one of our friends. They're after the cops, hippies, the government, women's lib, the blacks, the fags, the whole military complex and even more.

Edna: Who? You mentioned everybody, there's no one left.

Mel: Oh, baby, there's someone left, all right.

Edna: Mel, who's behind the plot? Is it the kids? The addicts? The Army? The Navy? The Book-of-the-month Club? Who?

Mel: It is the human race. The deterioration of the spirit of Man. Man undermining himself, causing a self-willed, self-imposed, self-evident self-destruction! That's what it is. That's who it is.

Edna: The human race, Mel?

Mel: Yes.

Edna: The human race is responsible for the unemployment?

Mel: You're surprised, aren't you?

Edna: I never would've guessed. All this time, I kept thinking it was somebody else.

Mel: They can take your clothes, your Chivas Regal, your television, your job... but they can't take your brains. And that's my secret weapon: my brains!

Mel: I know I've been a pain in the ass.

Harry: I don't mind. I didn't much like it when you shot me, though.

Mel: You think you're a member of this family, but you're not. You're just the hired help.

Bobbie: Are you a doctor, Melvin?

Mel: Yeah. I'm a doctor, shooting you up with heroin. That's right.

Mel: You're hotter than a freshly fucked fox in a forest fire.

Mel: Now that little heart is going to have to keep pumping for 78 old years and I made it. Fucking blew me mind.

Mel: We're trying to get pregnant.

Leigh: Like, with a human baby?

Mel: What is wrong with you?

Todd: I wish everyone would stop saying that!

Mel: I really needed to have fun tonight. And you didn't even care. And you don't even... You never ask how I am...

Leigh: Mel, what's wrong?

Mel: It's just really hard trying to get pregnant.

Leigh: I think that's normal, right?

Todd: Isn't your life perfect?

Mel: No!

Mel: You're my friend, and I let you suck me down this rabbit hole.

Mel: Do you really think that I could be a mother? Cause I don't know.

John: You are a little out of control. And you're a pervert.

Mel: You're spending a lot more time than necessary with that fag.

Neely O'Hara: Ted Casablanca is NOT a fag... and I'm the dame who can prove it.

Mel: Honey, listen, it's a rotten business.

Neely O'Hara: I know. But I love it!

Neely O'Hara: Well, what nice fattening thing did you tell Arlene to make tonight?

Mel: Arlene quit. She said you yelled at her.

Neely O'Hara: She was a louse anyway. You said yourself she was taking home all the booze. Other people have loyal help. Why can't we?

Mel: You don't know how to talk to them.

Neely O'Hara: That's your job. You'd better start running this house properly.

Mel: I'm not the butler.

Neely O'Hara: You're not the breadwinner either!

Neely O'Hara: I can't stop thinking about that audience tonight. You don't know what it feels like, Mel, when they're all applauding and yelling and whistling. They did whistle, didn't they?

Mel: Oh, yeah, they sure did.

Neely O'Hara: I felt like they were all taking me in their arms and holding me. It's like when you put your hands on me. Only it was - double, triple.

Neely O'Hara: Mel, let's get married.

Mel: I-I thought you'd never ask.

Neely O'Hara: I'm not kidding! I'll be making good money and with your 150 we can really live! We can get a maid to clean up! We can get a mink coat.

Mel: She's changed, Jen. She's starts at 5:30 in the morning, still punchy from last night's sleeping pills. So, she takes a red pill to pep herself up and at midnight she's still flying. I try to talk to her. It's like a brick wall.

Jennifer North: Well, I guess that's one of the drawbacks of being a big star.

Mel: The studio wants her to find out why she's so exhausted. They say they think it must be emotional conflicts. Conflicts, my foot! There aren't enough hours in the day. The head shrinker said she's - insecure. She needs mass love.

Jennifer North: Maybe I'm lucky I don't have any talent.

Mel: Now, you're just like all the rest of 'em. Success is too big for you.

Neely O'Hara: If you ask me, my success is too big - for you!

Mel: Yeah, sure. Sugar!

Mel: Only in Hollywood do women faint because some queer danes to design their clothes.

Mel: [enjoying Tony Polar's nightclub singing, where he is flirting openly with Jennifer] Miriam's not gonna like that.

Neely O'Hara: Who's Miriam?

Mel: His sister, over there. She manages him. She does very well. He won't make a move without her.

Neely O'Hara: [shrugs] He's making one now.

Mel: I've loved man like in a prism, all split up into many, many different lovers.