Lee Quotes in Headshot (2016)

Lee: And now you can go to the hospital and check it out.

Chico: Villages like this they make up a song about every big thing that happens. Sing them for years.

Chris Adams: You think it's worth it?

Chico: Don't you?

Chris Adams: It's only a matter of knowing how to shoot a gun. Nothing big about that.

Chico: Hey. How can you talk like this? Your gun has got you everything you have. Isn't that true? Hmm? Well, isn't that true?

Vin: Yeah, sure. Everything. After awhile you can call bartenders and faro dealers by their first name - maybe two hundred of 'em! Rented rooms you live in - five hundred! Meals you eat in hash houses - a thousand! Home - none! Wife - none! Kids... none! Prospects - zero. Suppose I left anything out?

Chris Adams: Yeah. Places you're tied down to - none. People with a hold on you - none. Men you step aside for - none.

Lee: Insults swallowed - none. Enemies - none.

Chris Adams: No enemies?

Lee: Alive.

Chico: Well. This is the kind of arithmetic I like.

Chris Adams: Yeah. So did I at your age.

Vin: Twenty dollars? You must be living in style.

Lee: Yes... I have the most stylish corner of the filthy storeroom out back. That and one plate of beans. Ten dollars a day.

Lee: Insults swallowed - none. Enemies - none.

Chris Adams: No enemies?

Lee: ...alive...

Chris: Go ahead, Lee. You don't owe anything to anybody.

Lee: Except to myself.

Lee: [Grabs at three flies - opens his hand] One. There was a time when I'd have gotten all three.

Lee: Yes. The final supreme idiocy. Coming here to hide. The deserter hiding out in the middle of a battlefield.

[Chris and Vin enter their room, to see Lee sitting there, waiting]

Lee: Remember me?

Chris Adams: Yup.

Lee: You need men for a job in Mexico? How long?

Chris Adams: Four, maybe six weeks.

Lee: That ought to do it. How much does the job pay?

Chris Adams: I thought you were looking for the Johnson brothers, Lee.

Lee: [smirking] I found them. Now, how much does the job pay?

Chris Adams: Twenty dollars.

Lee: I'll have the money before I leave. It should just take care of my last two days' rent.

Lee: I found them.

Lee: You carry a gun?

Kim: Uh-Huh.

Lee: Do you have a license to carry it?

Kim: Yeah, when I became a secret service agent, they gave me a license.

Lee: Oh, I didn't know you were... Ok. I didn't say it. Stop looking at me. I didn't say it. God! Did you know Kim carried a gun?

Abernathy: Yes. Yeah. Do I approve? No. Do I know? Yes.

Kim: I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in, but in the world I live in, a bitch need a gun.

Abernathy: You can't get around the fact that people who carry guns, tend to get shot more than people who don't.

Kim: And you can't get around the fact that if I go down to the laundry room in my building at midnight enough times, I might get my ass raped!

Lee: Don't do your laundry at midnight.

Kim: Fuck that! I wanna do my laundry whenever the fuck I want to do my laundry.

Abernathy: There are other things you can carry other then a gun. Pepper spray.

Kim: Uh, muthafucka tryin to rape me, I don't want to give him a skin rash. I wanna shot that nigga down!

Abernathy: How about a knife at least.

Kim: Yeah, you know what happens to muthafuckas who carry knives. They get shot! Look, if I ever become a famous actress, I won't carry a gun. I'll hire me a dude dirt nigga and he'll carry the gun, and when shit goes down, I'll sit back and laugh, but until that day, it's wild west muthafucka!

Kim: [horn honks] Hey good looking! We'll be back to pick you up later!

Lee: [Jasper laughs] Gulp.

Abernathy: You best get yo' ass off Kim's car.

Lee: I've seen Kim sit on it before.

Abernathy: Her ass ain't yo' ass.

James Carter: Who died, Lee?

Lee: You!

James Carter: Detective Yu?

Lee: Not Yu, you!

James Carter: Who?

Lee: You!

James Carter: Who?

Lee: Do you understand the words that are a-coming out of my mouth?

James Carter: Don't nobody understand the words that are comin' out of your mouth.

Lee: Let me tell you something about Asians, we never panic.

James Carter: Oh yeah, when Godzilla be coming, y'all be trippin': "Giaca! Giaca!"

Lee: These men are Triads. The most deadly gang in China.

James Carter: You think they scare me? I'm from Los Angeles, man. We invented gangs!

James Carter: Just tell me how the Triads gonna kill us.

Lee: They will torture us for three days.

James Carter: Okay, I can handle that.

Lee: Then they will cut off our eggrolls.

James Carter: Cut off our eggrolls? Hell no! Lets get the hell outta here! C'mon man, don't give up!

[during a fight scene with a bunch of Chinese men]

James Carter: [after accidentally punching Lee] Sorry, man!

Lee: Carter!

James Carter: All y'all look alike!

Lee: I will bitch-slap you back to Africa.

[Carter attempted to speak Chinese to everybody but had no idea what he said]

James Carter: What did I just say?

Lee: You just ask everybody to pick up their Samurai swords and shave your butt.

James Carter: Why didn't you tell me you had a bomb in your mouth?

Lee: I did.

James Carter: No you did not!

Lee: I said "mmm!"

James Carter: What the hell is "mmm! mmm!"

Lee: mmm, mmm. Bomb!

Lee: You are a civilian. In Hong Kong, *I* am Michael Jackson and *you* are Toto.

James Carter: You mean Tito! Toto is what we ate for dinner last night!

[in Cantonese]

Kenny: [pointing to Carter] Why are you hangin' out with 7-11?

Lee: 7-11?

Kenny: Because his mouth never closes.

James Carter: [in English] Hey I heard that!

[Carter throws Lee's CD out the window]

Lee: That's my CD! Don't you ever touch a Chinese man's CD!

James Carter: Lee, let me introduce you to Carter's new theory of criminal investigation: follow the rich white man.

Lee: Follow the rich white man?

James Carter: Behind every big crime there's a rich white man waiting for his cut.

[Carter tried to pick up two girls in Chinese]

James Carter: All I did was invite them to have a drink.

Lee: You invited them to get naked and sacrifice a small goat.

James Carter: Which word was 'goat'?

Lee: I'm sorry.

James Carter: You sorry? I got somebodies old chopsticks stuck up my ass and all you gotta say to me is you sorry?

James Carter: Secret Service Agent James Carter, I like the sound of it. Won't be long before I'm in Washington D.C. protectin' the President.

Lee: We both know you wouldn't take a bullet for someone else.

James Carter: Yeah but they don't know that.

James Carter: Couldn't help noticin' how she was staring at a brother.

Lee: She never even look at you.

James Carter: You just jealous, Lee, 'cause women like me. I'm tall, dark and hansome and you third world ugly.

Lee: I am not third world ugly, women think I'm cute. Like Snoopy.

James Carter: Lee, Snoopy is 6 inches taller than you.

Lee: Just follow my lead. Act like a tourist.

James Carter: I am a tourist, fool!

Lee: I always dreamed of going to Madison Square Gardens, see the Knicks play.

James Carter: New York City?

Lee: First class.

James Carter: The Plaza hotel.

Lee: Maybe some mu shu.

James Carter: I could use another vacation.

[Carter has just been hit on by the gay Versace Salesman]

James Carter: Did you see that?

Lee: He likes you.

James Carter: I ain't shopping with you no more.

James Carter: Hey Lee! What are you doing?

Lee: ...Dancing

James Carter: Dancing! Man, im up here working, putting my life on the line, and you up here messing around, dancing with some Bimbo... Does she have a friend?

[outtake, cell phone rings and Tucker answers]

James Carter: Hello? I'm filming man. Call me back at 7... I'm filming, I'm looking at Jackie Chan dead in his eye. Call me back.

Lee: [pointing at the camera] We're on a... We're...

James Carter: Call me back!

Lee: Are you a professional? We are filming and you turn on your phone?

James Carter: No, you can't speak to Jackie Chan.

[crew laughter]

James Carter: No! They want to speak to you, Jackie.

Lee: [Tucker hands the phone to Jackie] Hello?

James Carter: I'm sorry about this.

Lee: We're... We're filming right now!

[crew laughter]

Lee: You're sorry? You wasted all our film!

James Carter: [Takes phone back] Call me back later, 7 o'clock!

[Tucker hangs up, crew applause and laughter, Jackie points at Tucker]

[In Cantonese]

Lee: Where did you learn that?

Kenny: Master Ching.

Lee: Master Ching of Hong Kong?

Kenny: No, Freddy Ching on Crenshaw.

Lee: [In English] They're brothers.

Lee: I'll meet you at the bar in ten minutes. They don't like tourists in here, so try to blend in.

James Carter: Blend in? I'm two feet taller than everyone in here.

James Carter: Now why did you say it was a bomb.

Lee: No you said that!

James Carter: No you said it!

Lee: You said that in the hotel room.

James Carter: I said 'she was the bomb'.

Lee: She was the bomb?

Lee: [exasperated sigh] You will never understand me.

James Carter: You right, because I didn't even understand what you said to me right then!

Lee: I'm not third world ugly, women like me! They think I'm cute, like... Snoopy.

James Carter: Lee, Snoopy is six inches taller than you.

Lee: All he wanted was some Mushu.

Lee: That's Ricky Tan.

James Carter: That's Ricky Tan? Man, that's a midget in a bathrobe!

Lee: Stop, I'm sick of your bullshit.

James Carter: And I'm sick of you! I'm not the one running up in Karaoke bars full of gangsters. And I'm not the one running up in massage parlors looking for crime lords.

Lee: Carter, you don't understand.

James Carter: Oh I understand, man. I got knocked off a building, I got beat on, I got stripped butt-naked and you held out on me. I'm outta here.

Lee: [outtake] I always dreamed to square martin.

Lee: If you reach for that gun, I'll kill you.

Ricky Tan: Aren't you forgetting? I'm already dead.

Isabella: I need your help.

Lee: Last time you needed my help, I woke up in a truck.

Lee: You still have it?

Kenny: 'Still got my lunch money from the third grade.

James Carter: [after Lee kicks Ricky Tan out of a window and onto a cab] Damn! Good kick, Lee.

Lee: It was an accident.

James Carter: That's okay. We'll just say he tried to catch a cab.

Lee: You owe me a copy of the Beach Boy's greatest hits.

James Carter: Don't you go having gettin' an attitude with me Lee. I been here three days and ain't done nothin' but work your cases. The only reason why I'm here in Hong Kong is 'cause you said you was gonna show me a good time. I'm on vacation, man! and I want some mu shu.

Lee: Mushu, you hungry?

James Carter: No, not mushu? MU shu. I want to see some women man. Now, stop playing dumb and take me to the SHU.

James Carter: Whoa, man. I ain't going in there!

Lee: Come on!

James Carter: There's rats in there!

Lee: There's no rats!

James Carter: Look at that rat!

[Lee leaves, and Carter reluctantly follows]

[outtake]

James Carter: Gotta be somethin' you want?

Lee: I've always wanted to go to Square Mad - -...

Lee: I always want to go to square... I

[pause]

Lee: Shhhh!

Lee: I've always dreamed to Square Marden...

[Jackie and Chris laugh]

Lee: I always wanted to go to Square 3,2...

[laughing and Jackie tampers]

Lee: Now I'm gone. Now I'm nervous. Every garden I'm nervous! Madison Square Garden.

Lee: I always want to go to Square...

[Jackie and Chris laugh]

[after Isabella kisses Lee]

James Carter: I saw that. You played it smooth too, walkin' away like that.

Lee: Yeah, I'm a player.

James Carter: [singing] Don't stop till you get enough!

Lee: Carter?

James Carter: Cha-mon!

Lee: Carter!

James Carter: Cha-mon, Lee!

James Carter: [sings] I'll be right back! I'll be right back!

James Carter: Lee, what happened?

Lee: You left me!

James Carter: No, I didn't! I was waitin' up there for you!

James Carter: Throw it Lee!

Lee: Where?

James Carter: Lee Throw it!

Lee: Where?

James Carter: Throw the bomb over the edge! Throw it, throw it! Throw it over the edge!

Lee: No, there's people down there.

James Carter: Lee throw it!

Lee: Carter!

James Carter: Lee!

Lee: Carter!

James Carter: ...Lee!

Lee: Carter!

[Lee and Carter are trying to get a bomb out of Isabella's suite]

James Carter: [to Lee] Kick the door.

Lee: [Lee kicks open the door] No, no, no, no, no.

[takes the bomb from Isabella]

James Carter: [looking at Isabella in her bra and panties] Damn you look fine.

Lee: Carter!

James Carter: Where are you going?

Lee: Bathroom.

James Carter: Well, hurry up. Cause we're going to party. Party!

Captain Chin: [to HKPD officers] Escort Detective Carter to the airport.

Lee: No, I'll take him.

James Carter: [to HKPD officers] *Get* your hands off!

James Carter: [outtake] Kick the door, Jackie!

Lee: Okay, Chris Tucker!

Lee: Whassup, my nigga?

Bartender: What did you just say?

Lee: Whassup, my nigga.

Carter: You don't know nothing about no War.

Lee: Everybody knows War.

[singing]

Lee: War! Huh! Yeah! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing, sing it again, you all!

Carter: It ain't 'you all', it's "y'all"!

Lee: Yaw.

Carter: Y'all!

Lee: Yaw!

Carter: Man you sound like a Karate movie, y'all!

Lee: Yoll.

Carter: That's why I don't have no partner, that's one thing I learned from my daddy.

Lee: Your father was a policeman?

Carter: Fifteen years LAPD.

Lee: My daddy also a policeman.

Carter: Your daddy was a cop?

Lee: Not a cop, an officer, a legend all over Hong Kong.

Carter: My daddy a legend too all over America. My daddy once arrested fifteen people in one night by himself.

Lee: My daddy arrested 25 by himself.

Carter: ...My daddy once saved five crackheads from a burnin' building, by himself.

Lee: My daddy once caught a bullet with his bare hand.

Carter: My daddy'll kick your daddy's ass all the way from here to China, Japan, wherever the hell you from and all up that Great Wall too.

Lee: Hey, don't talk about my father.

Carter: Don't talk about my daddy.

Lee: You must take me to see Consul Han right away.

Carter: Man, just sit there and shut up! This ain't no democracy.

Lee: Yes, it is.

Carter: No, it ain't. This is the United States of James Carter. I'm the president, I'm the emperor, I'm the king. I'm Michael Jackson, you Tito. Your ass belongs to me.

Lee: Ah! Beach Boys!

Carter: Oh, hell no! You didn't just touch my goddamn radio!

Lee: The Beach Boys are great American music.

Carter: The Beach Boys gonna get you a great ass whuppin'. Don't you ever touch a black man's radio, boy! You can do that in China but you can get your ass killed out here, man!

Carter: How long this flight?

Lee: Fifteen hours.

Carter: Fifteen hours? What are we gonna do for fifteen hours?

Lee: [Puts on head phones and begins to sing] Huh! War! Uh! Good God "yaw."

Carter: Oh, hell no! Stewardess! Get me another seat!

Lee: Why would they not want my help?

Carter: Because they don't give a damn about you! They don't like you! I don't like you!

Lee: I don't care! I'm here for the girl!

Carter: The girl don't like you! Nobody likes you!

Lee: We can hang in my crib. I will show you my 'hood.

Lee: I like to let people talk who like to talk. It lets me find out how full of shit they are.

Carter: What the hell did you just say?

[Carter has ordered Chinese takeout]

Carter: Damn, Chin, this is some greasy shit. You ain't got no better food, like some chicken wings, some baby back ribs, some fries or something?

Chin: Chinese food, no soul food here!

Carter: I didn't say nothin' 'bout no soul food, I said you got some better food. I don't want that greasy shit. How you gonna sell a big box of grease?

[Chin conplains in Chinese]

Carter: [turns cross] I'm chilly a what?

Lee: [grabs Carter] Come on!

Chin: I'm no punk bitch.

Carter: I ain't no punk bitch, neither!

Chin: I'M no punk bitch!

Carter: I'm about to knock that hat off your head, Chin.

Lee: Carter! I can't hold any more! I'm slipping!

Carter: Hang on a minute, I'll go get help!

Lee: [shouts] Carter!

Carter: Ah, I was just playin' wit ya...

Carter: This ain't no Democracy.

Lee: Yes it is.

Carter: No it ain't. This is the United States of James Carter. I'm the President, I'm the Emperor, I'm the King. I'm Michael Jackson, you're Tito. I own yo ass.

Lee: Leave me alone. A man like you could never understand.

Carter: A man like me?

Lee: You are devoted only to yourself. You're ashamed of being a police officer, you dishonor your father's name!

Carter: You don't know nothing about my father.

Lee: You said your father is a legend.

Carter: My father WAS a legend. My father was killed making a routine traffic stop in broad daylight by some punk who didn't want no ticket. His partner was supposed to get out of the car and back him up but never did. My father was just as devoted as you, and now he's dead, and for what? A traffic ticket and some punk? You tell me, where's the honor in that?

Lee: You believe your father wasted his life, that he died for nothing?

Carter: Prove me wrong.

Lee: [yanks a cigarette from the Cigaweed Guy] That's bad for you!

Lee: I didn't know you spoke Chinese.

Carter: I never told you I didn't, you just assumed I didn't.

Carter: Man, what you got me eatin'?

Lee: That's eel.

Carter: Is it good?

Lee: Very good.

Carter: What you got?

Lee: Camel's Hump.

Carter: What?

Lee: [enuciates] Camel's Hump

[Carter takes a bite of the eel while Lee eats his Camel's Hump]

Carter: Mmm! Kinda good. Needs a little Hot sauce, but it's kinda good though.

Lee: [to Soo Young] And don't worry, America is a very friendly place.

Carter: [cut to]

Carter: [Carter driving erratically on the LA Streets]

Carter: Stupid fool get the hell out of my way!

Lee: [handcuffs Lee to the steering wheel] Hey, what are you doing?

Carter: You ain't the only one with quick hands now, right? Wah!

[after Clive refuses to answer Carter, Lee steps in his way]

Clive Cod: Oh, you want some too? I'll give you all you want.

Lee: Give me a name.

Clive Cod: I ain't telling you shit.

[Lee takes out Soo-Yung's picture]

Lee: She's only eleven years old. I don't want her to die.

[Clive shifts his gaze]

Lee: Look at the picture! I don't care about him, I don't care about you! I care about the little girl. Give me the name.

[pause]

Clive Cod: [lowers voice] The guy's name is Juntao. I never seen him.

Lee: Where can I find him?

Clive Cod: Foo Chow Restaurant, Chinatown.

[He heads back to his cell]

Carter: Foo Chow Restaurant? Thank you, Clive!

Clive Cod: [to Lee] Get rid of this guy, he's gonna get you killed.

[as the guests are evacuating the Convention Center, Lee sees Sang, disguised as a server, handing a remote to Griffin. The truth come out: Griffin is Juntao]

Lee: Juntao.

[Lee chases after Griffin]

Lee: Juntao! JUNTAO!

Thomas Griffin: [holds the remote towards Lee, Consul Han, and the agents] Consul Han, six pounds of C-4 are wired to your daughter in a car outside.

[Lee and the agents back off]

Thomas Griffin: You know, before the takeover, most of these works were in the hands of a single private collector: me. I mastered my life to acquire and catalog these priceless piece that you see before you. And then in one fell swoop, it was taken away from me. But tonight, I shall be paid in full. Don't move! She dies if I press this button. Just be patient. My transportation will arrive shortly. Stay calm.

Lee: [a student approaches Lee; both bow] Kick me.

[Student looks confused]

Lee: Kick me.

[Student attempts kick]

Lee: What was that? An Exhibition? We need emotional content. Now try again!

[Student tries again]

Lee: I said "emotional content." Not anger! Now try again!

[Student tries again and succeeds]

Lee: That's it! How did it feel?

[Student thinks; Lee smacks his head]

Lee: Don't think. FEEEEEEEEL! It's like a finger pointing away to the moon.

[Lee looks at student who is looking at the finger; Lee smacks student again]

Lee: Do not concentrate on the finger or you will miss all of the heavenly glory!

[Student bows; Lee smacks him again]

Lee: Never take your eyes off your opponent... even when you're bowing!

[Student bows again this time keeping his eyes on Lee]

Lee: That's better.

[student walks away; opening credits begin]

[Oharra throws a board in the air and smashes it with his fist]

Lee: [smiles] Boards don't hit back.

[first lines]

Lee: Teacher?

Shaolin Abbott: I see your talents have gone beyond the mere physical level. Your skills are now at the point of spiritual insight. I have several questions. What is the highest technique you hope to achieve ?

Lee: To have no technique.

Shaolin Abbott: Very good. What are your thoughts when facing an opponent ?

Lee: There is no opponent.

Shaolin Abbott: And why is that ?

Lee: Because the word "I" does not exist.

Shaolin Abbott: So, continue...

Lee: A good fight should be like a small play, but played seriously. A good martial artist does not become tense, but ready. Not thinking, yet not dreaming. Ready for whatever may come. When the opponent expands, I contract. When he contracts, I expand. And when there is an opportunity, I do not hit. It hits all by itself.

Shaolin Abbott: Now, you must remember: the enemy has only images and illusions behind which he hides his true motives. Destroy the image and you will break the enemy. The "it" that you refer to is a powerful weapon easily misused by the martial artist who deserts his vows. For centuries now, the code of the Shaolin Temple has been preserved. Remember, the honor of our brotherhood has been held true. Tell me now the Shaolin Commandment number 13.

Lee: A martial artist has to take responsibility for himself and accept the consequences of his own doing.

Shaolin Abbott: [sighs] I'm ashamed to tell you now. Among all the Shaolin men I have taught, there is one who has turned the ways of knowledge and strength to his own base ends. He had perverted all we hold sacred. His name is Han. In defiance of all our beliefs... he has brought disgrace to the Shaolin Temple. So... it is now for you to reclaim our lost honor.

Lee: Yes, I understand.

Shaolin Abbott: There is a man here. You will go to him.

Lee: You have offended my family and you have offended the Shaolin Temple.

Parsons: What's your style?

Lee: My style? You can call it the art of fighting without fighting.

Parsons: The art of fighting without fighting? Show me some of it.

Lee: Later.

[Parsons grabs Lees shoulder as he turns away]

Lee: Don't you think we need more room?

Parsons: Where else?

Lee: That island, on the beach. We can take this boat.

Lee: Why doesn't somebody pull out a .45 and, bang, settle it?

[last lines - theatrical version]

Lee: You have offended my family, and you have offended the Shaolin temple.

Braithwaite: Hello Mr. Lee. My name's Braithwaite.

Lee: Hello Mr. Braithwaite.

[Lee is at his mother's gravesite]

Lee: You will not agree with what I'm going to do. It is contrary to all that you have taught me, and all that Su Lin believed. I must leave. Please try to find a way to forgive me.

Lee: [a knock on the door] Come in.

Tania: A gift Mr. Lee.

[pause]

Tania: If you don't see anything you like...

[pause]

Lee: There was a girl at the feast tonight.

Tania: Which girl, sir?

Lee: [takes out a dart] The owner of this dart.

Tania: Oh, yes. I know the one. I'll send her to you.

Braithwaite: Mr. Lee, I've come to talk to you about a tournament of martial arts. A tournament to which you've already received an invitation. Specifically, the tournament organized by Mr. Han.

Lee: [nodding thoughtfully] Han's tournament.

Braithwaite: I know, I know, I know. But we'd very much like you to attend THAT particular tournament, Mr. Lee.

Lee: "We", Mr. Braithwaite?

Old man: [about Lee's sister] Now you know the truth. When you get to the city, pay your respects to your sister and your mother.

Lee: I will, old man.

[first lines - theatrical version]

Braithwaite: Hello, Mr. Lee. My name is Braithwaite.

Lee: Hello, Mr. Braithwaite.

Braithwaite: I've come to speak to you about a matter of great importance.

Lee: Have some tea.

Braithwaite: Yes, indeed.

Lee: [referring to a stewardess found at the harbor] What did the autopsy reveal as the cause of death?

Braithwaite: She did not drown.

Lee: She OD'd?

Braithwaite: Umm...

[checks his folder and puts on his reading glasses]

Braithwaite: Er, yes. Cause of death was, uh... heroin overdose.

John: Lee, this is Father Rodriguez.

Lee: How do you do?

Father Rodriguez: Of course, I wasn't always Father Rodriguez. You might say I was born again, with a little help from our friend here.

John: Some of his Colombian associates wanted to introduce him to God personally.

Father Rodriguez: I've been given a second chance at life. I'm using it to do God's work.

Lee: [On the computer on Donahue's office] How are we doing ?

John: You were right about Donahue, he left himself a back door. But we've still got to break his code.I'd figure we've that we have about five or six minutes until they trace us.

[scrolling through the records]

John: Do you recognize any of this?

Lee: No. But, we're getting warm, it's an accounting format.

John: Okay, stop me if I get lucky.

Lee: Now those are offshore banking deposits here it is UBS, that's United Bank of Syria.

John: $52 million? If it's an arms sale, it's a major one. Let's see who their buyer is.

Lee: Sergei Ivanovich Petrofsky ? Who's that?

John: [sighs] Bad news. He runs a cartel in the Russian mafia, selling drugs, guns, and influence to some very unpleasant people.

[Scrolls lower]

John: There it is, delivery date. Tonight, midnight? A thousand units at Baltimore Harbor.

Lee: Thousand units of what?

[Screen reveals the item]

Lee: An EM gun.

John: A *thousand* EM guns.

Lee: Are they insane? If these things get offshore...

John: There'll be a whole new era of world terrorism.

[John knocks down a door and shoots a guy]

Lee: You're late!

John: Traffic.

[explosions rock the building]

Sergei: It seems your friend has arrived.

Lee: I'll enjoy introducing him to you.

Lee: I didn't know treason was part of the corporate strategy.

Agent: This is Special Agent John Kruger. He'll be handling your personal security.

Lee: My protection?

John: New identity, relocation, I'll take you through it step by step.

Lee: What are you talking about? I'm not going anywhere!

John: You're in an extremely high risk situation, Miss Cullen. That should've been explained to you.

[the limousine that Daniel Harper, Robert Deguerin, and Morehart were trapped in was just hit by a train]

Lee: What happened?

John: They caught a train.

John: That weapon, it came from your company, right?

Lee: Yes. It's an EMP prototype, it's not even supposed to exist.

John: EMP?

Lee: Electro-Magnetic Pulse. No gunpowder, no conventional bullets. They fire caseless aluminum shells at nearly the speed of light.

John: You're talking about the rail gun?

Lee: [surprised] That's right.

John: The Navy has been working on those for years. But the smallest one I've ever seen is mounted on a battleship.

Lee: Cyrez was contracted to scale them down, design a man-portable version. The most powerful assault rifle on earth. They took millions, then said the physics were impossible.

John: It looked real enough to me.

Lee: [subtitled version] He looks determined... without being ruthless. There's something heroic about him. He doesn't look like a killer. He comes across so calm... acts like he has a dream... eyes full of passion.

Joe (Cantonese)/Jeffrey (English): Are you always so determined?

Lee: Yes, it's my style.

Joe (Cantonese)/Jeffrey (English): Mine too.

Joe (Cantonese)/Jeffrey (English): You're an unusual cop.

Lee: Well, you're an unusual killer.

Lee: I believe in justice, but nobody trusts me.

Joe (Cantonese)/Jeffrey (English): I have the same problem.

Joe (Cantonese)/Jeffrey (English): Would you rather see me dead or set free?

Lee: Neither, if fate spares us.

Lee: Life's cheap. It only takes one bullet... He's no ordinary assassin; I hope we're just looking for one man. If I'm not mistaken, this man is not a cold-blooded murderer.

Sgt. Randy Chang: It only takes one bullet, cold-blooded or not.

Lee: Do all killers have a sense of honor?

Joe (Cantonese)/Jeffrey (English): The world has changed. Honor is now a dirty word.

Lee: You sang beautifully just now.

Jennie: I sing for him, and he isn't here.

Lee: Jeffrey? You sing with such emotion about him. I feel like I know him. Thanks for sharing something so important.

Jennie: I just wish he were here now.

Lee: Wherever he may roam, you'll be in his thoughts, Jenny. The better part of him will always be here.

[Danny points a gun at Jeff]

Lee: Don't move!

Jennie: Who is it?

Joe (Cantonese)/Jeffrey (English): It's Dumbo. He's come to say bon voyage.

Joe (Cantonese)/Jeffrey (English): We're the same.

Lee: No, we're not the same! I uphold the law and you break it!

Joe (Cantonese)/Jeffrey (English): I think you and I could be friends.

Lee: If I put my gun down, right? That's your condition?

Joe (Cantonese)/Jeffrey (English): Can you do it? (No response) At least we can be temporary friends. We have a common enemy.

Lee: I wish I could have a friend like you.

Joe (Cantonese)/Jeffrey (English): You will, in the next life.

Lee: He's heroic in manner. He doesn't look like a killer

Lee: Listen, detective, you need to come by the house.

Beck: I will.

Lee: No, I mean *now*.

Beck: I'm on the job.

Lee: Detective, you need to come by the house. That's why I'm here. To drive you there.

Lee: Now, you can either come with me...

Lee: [starts the engine of his car] ... or you can follow me.

[laughs]

Beck: [to Lee] What took you?

Penny: Told ya I should've driven. You fuckin' pussy.

Lee: Shut up and wait in the car!

Penny: What are you talking about? I'm going with ya.

Lee: No, you're not.

Penny: Fool, you said you sorted this out!

Lee: Shut up and stay in the fucking car.

Penny: Fuck sake!

Beck: She seems like a nice kid.

Lee: Fuck you, too. Come on.

Danny: Do you think I could take all this if I didn't have something to give you? I got no idea where that money is, man. Come on. You gotta start looking a little closer to home.

Lee: I hope you're wrong. But I'll find out, sooner or later.

Lee: [pauses] The problem for you is that... you're the sooner.

Lee: [to Alex] This guy should be picking out uniforms for cocktail waitresses, not running an operation during a time of war!

Alex: Listen to him. "Time of war". Mr. John Wayne fucking cowboy!

Lee: Hey, when all the guns are pointing in our direction, that's a fucking war!

Alex: Why don't you eat something?

Lee: What are you, my fucking mother?

Alex: Please. The last thing I would never wanna be is related to you, Lee.

Lee: You know, in a way, I understand you. I never had shit neither. And no matter how much I got, I never fit in with those cocksuckers.

Lee: [throws Raina against his car] I hate him. I hate their kids. Their fucking little dogs. But that's okay. Hate's a good thing. Hate keeps me warm at night.

Lee: [to Tom] Fail me, and you'll be lucky if I decide to let you live.

[upon seeing that his challenger in a duel is a woman]

Lee: This ain't fair.

Mick: You're right. It ain't.

Mick: You got ideas, Lee?

Lee: Sure. I got lots of ideas.

Mick: Good. Cause I'm all out.

Lee: I'm going to be a Clipper.

Lee: Suddenly, I realized how ridiculous I was being. The book needs an ending. When it's sold and turned into a movie, what it needs is just an ending. How much of what she said was the truth? And how much was fiction? Does it really matter? Who am I to argue with them?

Lee: [after the first show] That was amazing, you guys changed people's lives tonight.

KG: I know, it was so awesome dude.

JB: Yeah, it was awesome, compared to bullshit!

Lee: Whoa! You guys putting on a concert? Can I watch?

KG: Half off the pie?

Lee: Dealio!

[after Classico]

Lee: Duuuuude, You guys are like... Electric Dynamite!

Mick: [talking about Greece] Les, you do know how they separate the men from the boys here, don't you?

Lee: How?

Mick: With a crowbar.

Lee: [Ted calls his girlfriend from a payphone; it rings and she is seen waking up answering her phone] This better be good, Ted!

Ted Bundy: [on the phone] I just need to hear your voice...

Lee: It's four in the morning...

Ted Bundy: I know, Lee. I've hit the books so hard, I've lost track of time.

Lee: I've haven't heard from you in nearly a week!

Ted Bundy: I've been studying. I'm sorry...

Lee: Yes, I know you've been studying!

[pause]

Lee: I just hate the way you make me feel sometimes!

Lee: [after Ted pushes her in the lake from the dock] What the hell?

[pause]

Lee: ASSHOLE!

[Ted walks away]

Lee: [talking about his mother] She not coming back, is she?

John: I don't know. When I was your age I used to play a game called "Life is not fair". You know why they call that? Cause life is not fair. It sucks. But you gotta play. I don't know... maybe she wants to come back. But she can't.

Lee: Maybe she's dead.

John: What d'you say?

Lee: I hope she is.

John: And then she just gets to live here, like nothing ever happened. The fucking vampire. I hope she dies.

Lee: Vampires can't die. They're already dead.

John: That's right. 'Cause they aren't people. What kind of person breaks up a family like that anyway?

John: Do you love me?

Lee: [yes]

John: Then I need you to do something for me.

John: You did great!

Lee: I think it was the wrong lady.

John: It doesn't matter. It could be anybody. Anybody could have done it. And if it could be anybody, then we're invisible.

[last lines]

Case Worker: There's gotta be meaning. There's gotta be a reason. Was it for money?

Lee: [No]

Case Worker: Was it for revenge?

Lee: [No]

Case Worker: Was it some kind of belief?

Lee: [just looks down]

Case Worker: If you're not going to answer me, how can I...

Lee: Since you're asking so many questions, can I ask you a question now?

Case Worker: Sure, ask me anything you want.

Lee: Where's my father?

[Mr. Grey asks Lee why she cuts herself]

E. Edward Grey: Why do you cut yourself, Lee?

Lee: I don't know.

E. Edward Grey: Is it that sometimes the pain inside has to come to the surface and when you see evidence of the pain inside, you finally know you're really here? Then, when you watch the wound heal, it's comforting. Isn't it?

Lee: I... That's a way to put it.

[Mr. Grey tells Lee that they both can't keep doing these sex acts]

E. Edward Grey: We can't do this 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Lee: Why not?

[Lee talks about Mr. Grey and how in love she is with him]

Lee: [narrating] In one way or another, I've always suffered. I didn't know why, exactly. But I do know that I'm not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I've ever felt, and I've found someone to feel with, to play with, to love, in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers, too. And that I want to love him.

[Lee see's her father from the other side of the desk, reading to her]

Burt Holloway: 'You are the child of God's holy gift of life. You come from me, but you are not me. Your soul and your body are your own, and yours to do with as you wish.'

Lee: [Lee smiles] Thank you, Daddy.

[Lee talks about Mr. Grey as he runs his hands down her naked body]

Lee: [narrating] Each cut, each scar, each burn, a different mood or time. I told him what the first one was. I told him where the second one came from. I remembered them all. And for the first time in my life, I felt beautiful. Finally part of the earth. I touched the soil, and he loved me back.

[Lee refuses to remove her hands from the desk as Mr. Grey instructed her to]

Peter: Are you doing something sexual right now?

Lee: [Lee looks at Peter seriously] Does this look sexual to you?

Peter: [Peter yells out in confusion] I don't know, Lee! Why don't you move your hands?

Lee: [Lee looks away and responds with] Because I don't want to.

[Mr. Grey explains to Lee why he's firing her]

E. Edward Grey: I like you, Lee, but I don't think I'm going to offer you the job.

Lee: Why?

E. Edward Grey: It's your behavior.

Lee: What about my behavior?

E. Edward Grey: It's very bad.

[Lee calls Mr. Grey from home to ask for his permission on what to eat at her dinner table]

Lee: [Lee tells Mr. Grey what her family is having for dinner] It's porterhouse steak, mashed, no, creamed potatoes. Green peas, iced tea, and ice cream.

E. Edward Grey: [Mr. Grey responds on what to limit her on] Okay. Just a scoop of creamed potatoes, one slice of butter, four peas, and... as much ice cream as you'd like to eat, doll.

[Lee touches herself to the thought of Mr. Grey]

Lee: [Lee imagines Mr. Grey standing behind her, as she leans over his flower case] I'm your secretary. I'm your secretary.

Lee: [Lee lays in bed with her eyes closed moaning out] Just a scoop of creamed potatoes, one slice of butter, and four peas.

[Mr. Grey interviews Lee again about being his secretary]

E. Edward Grey: Do you really wanna be my secretary?

Lee: Yes, I do.

E. Edward Grey: This isn't just about typos, tapes, staples and pencils, is it, Lee?

Lee: No, sir.

E. Edward Grey: What?

Lee: No, sir!

[Mr. Grey tells Lee that he's shy]

E. Edward Grey: Are you shy? I'm shy.

Lee: You're not shy. You're a lawyer.

E. Edward Grey: I'm shy. But I overcome my shyness... in order to get things done.

Lee: I don't think you're shy.

[Mr. Grey fires Lee]

E. Edward Grey: I'm sorry. You can collect your things.

Lee: Time-out!

E. Edward Grey: Time-out? You're fired.

Lee: You're fired!

E. Edward Grey: You're fired. Now, Lee, get out!

[Lee slaps Mr. Grey's face]

[Lee reads in her head as she types in her typing class]

Lee: [voice-over] 'My flowers had just about given up in despair, so with the exception of a few potted plants from the florist, we're flowerless for the first Spring in years.'

[first lines]

Lee: [narrating] I got out of the institution on the day of my sister's wedding. I had started to get used to the place. Breakfast at 8:00, classes at 2:00. Therapy at 4:00, and asleep by 10:00.

Dr. Twardon: [Lee's doctor says goodbye] You can call me any time, Lee. I will always try to be of help to you.

Lee: [narrating] Inside, life was simple.

Lee: [Lee hugs her doctor] Thank you, Dr. Twardon.

Lee: [narrating] For that reason, I was reluctant to go.

[Mr. Grey hands Lee her last check before telling her to leave]

E. Edward Grey: I'm so sorry for what happened between us. I realize what a terrible mistake, I made with you. And I can only hope that you understand. Be assured you can count on me for excellent references.

E. Edward Grey: [Lee begins to cry] Get out.

E. Edward Grey: [Lee starts to sniffle] Get out.

Lee: What are you doing...

E. Edward Grey: [Mr. Grey yells out] Get out!

[Peter welcomes Lee back home from the institution]

Peter: Are you happy to be home? I mean, are you 'happy' to be home?

Lee: I don't know.

Peter: I know what you mean.

[Lee see's her father at her sister's wedding]

Burt Holloway: You look so beautiful.

Lee: Thanks, Dad.

Lee: [Lee's father takes a drink of a beer] I thought you stopped.

Burt Holloway: [Lee's father holds his beer out to the side and hands it to Peter] Do you know how much we missed you, pumpkin?

Lee: [Lee's father hugs her] Well, I missed you too.

[Lee's father reaches his arm out for Peter to hand him the beer back]

[Lee holds up a purple mirror and practices the opening to her first job interview]

Lee: [Lee clears her throat] I have never had a job before, but I can assure you that I am very excited for this opportunity. Thank you. Oh, well, I don't have any references yet. But I think the Municipal Tax Office would be a wonderful place to begin... My career.

Lee: [Lee circles the job opening with her purple pen, reading] 'Secretary.'

[Lee meets Mr. Grey for the first time in his office]

Lee: Hi.

E. Edward Grey: [Mr. Grey responds a bit startled] Hi.

Lee: Are you the lawyer?

E. Edward Grey: Oh. Uh... Yes.

Lee: I'm sorry. I'll just come back later.

E. Edward Grey: [Lee turns to the door before stopping] No. No, stay.

[Lee smiles, turning around to face Mr. Grey]

[Mr. Grey asks Lee if she really wants the job before getting into the details]

E. Edward Grey: Do you really want to be a secretary, Lee?

Lee: Yes, I do.

E. Edward Grey: You scored higher than anyone I ever interviewed. You're really over-qualified for the job. You'd be bored to death.

Lee: I want to be bored.

[Mr. Grey tells Lee the details of what the secretary job pertains]

E. Edward Grey: All I need is a typist. Who can get to work on time and answer the phone.

Lee: I can do that.

E. Edward Grey: We only use typewriters here, not computers.

Lee: That's fine.

E. Edward Grey: It's very dull work.

Lee: I like dull work.

E. Edward Grey: [Mr. Grey stares closely into Lee's face] There's something about you. You're... close-closed up tight. A wall.

Lee: I know.

E. Edward Grey: Do you ever loosen up?

Lee: I don't know.

E. Edward Grey: [the phone begins to ring] I'm not here.

[Lee lays in her bathtub while going over her secretary response to answering the phone]

Lee: Hello. You have reached the office of Mr. E. Edward Grey. Please leave your message and the time you called, along with your phone number and the best time to reach you...

Lee: [Lee hesitates before smiling] And we... will get back to you as soon as possible. We.

Lee: [Lee smiles big before lowering her head under the water, whispering to herself] Secretary.

[Lee meets Mr. Grey's paralegal in the bathroom of the offices]

Paralegal: So you're the new secretary?

Lee: Yeah.

Lee: [Lee pauses before asking] Excuse me. What exactly is a paralegal?

[Mr. Grey asks Lee if she's familiar with answering phones]

E. Edward Grey: Listen. You're a big girl. You can get a much bigger voice out of that tiny throat of yours.

E. Edward Grey: Tiny.

E. Edward Grey: Ms. Holloway. You told me when I hired you that you were used to answering phones.

Lee: [Lee chuckles] I am.

[Lee walks home through the park for the first time]

Lee: [narrating] I took a shortcut through Hawkins Park, and it was as if I'd never taken a walk by myself before. And when I thought about it, I realized I probably never had taken a walk alone. But because he had given me the permission to do this, because he insisted on it. I felt held by him as I walked alone. I felt he was with me. At the same time, I was feeling something was growing in Mr. Grey. An intimate tendril creeping from one of his darker areas, nursed on the feeling that he had discovered something about me. The next day, I didn't even bring my cuticle scissors and my iodine. But I did make another typing mistake.

[Lee walks into Mr. Grey's office with the typo letter]

E. Edward Grey: Put the letter on my desk.

E. Edward Grey: [Lee walks to Mr. Grey's desk as he closes his office door] Now, I want you to bend over the desk so that you're looking directly at it. Get your face very close to the letter. And read the letter.

Lee: Um, I don't understand.

E. Edward Grey: There's nothing to understand. Put your elbows on the desk. Bend over, get your face close to the letter, and read it aloud.

[Lee reads the typo letter to Mr. Grey as he disciplines her in his office]

Lee: [Reading while bent forward] 'Dear Mr. Garvey, I'm grateful to you for referring... '

E. Edward Grey: [Mr. Grey slaps Lee in the butt, as she turns her head back to look at him] Continue.

Lee: Um...

E. Edward Grey: Ms. Holloway, read.

Lee: [Lee continues to read] 'For referring me to your case.'

Lee: [Mr. Grey slaps Lee harder in the butt] 'The subject of animal captivity has been of interest to me for quite a while. And my secretary has prepared research material...

Lee: [Mr. Grey slaps again] That I think you'll find illuminating. If you would be so kind...

Lee: [Mr. Grey slaps again] As to send me the June 5th letter of which we spoke, my associates and I will review it immediately.'

Lee: [Mr. Grey slaps again] 'Please feel free to call me at your earliest convenience. Yours sincerely, E...

Lee: [Mr. Grey slaps again as Lee breathes out] Edward Grey.'

E. Edward Grey: [Mr. Grey quietly says] Read it again.

Lee: [Lee hesitates before reading] 'Dear Mr. Garvey... '

Lee: [Mr. Grey smacks Lee's butt even harder, now repeatedly] Ohh!

Lee: [Mr. Grey now smacks on all sides of Lee's butt, as Lee tries to read] 'I'm grateful to you for referring me to your case. The subject of animal captivity has been of interest to me... for quite a while.

Lee: [Lee is unable to read as Mr. Grey continues, when Mr. Grey unexpectedly falls over Lee's backside, laying his hand on the desk beside hers] And my secretary has prepared research material... That I think you'll find illuminating.'

[Lee finally breathes out, rolling her pinky finger out to wrap around Mr. Grey's index finger]

[Mr. Grey stands behind Lee and asks her to pull up her skirt]

E. Edward Grey: Now, pull up your skirt.

Lee: Why?

E. Edward Grey: You're not worried that I'm going to fuck you, are you? I'm not interested in that, not in the least. Now, pull up your skirt.

[Lee runs in to Mr. Grey's office in a wedding dress]

Lee: I have something to say to you.

E. Edward Grey: Lee.

Lee: I love you.

E. Edward Grey: Lee, you should not be here.

Lee: I love you.

E. Edward Grey: I'm sorry, but I don't believe that to be true.

Lee: Well, it is true. It is.

E. Edward Grey: [Mr. Grey tries to walk Lee out] This matter was resolved when I received your cancelled severance check.

Lee: [Lee pulls her arm away] I love you.

[Peter finds Lee at Mr. Grey's office with her hands to the desk]

Peter: What are you... what are you doing? Lee, I don't... I don't know what the deal is with...

Lee: I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Peter: I'm your fiancé, Lee!

Lee: You are trespassing. You are making an unwarranted incursion, a gradual or stealthy entrance into the square of another.

[Lee talks to Mr. Grey as he kisses her naked body]

Lee: Where did you go to high school? What was your mother like? What was her name? What did it say under your senior yearbook? Who was your first love? When did your heart first get broken? Where were you born?

E. Edward Grey: [Mr. Grey brings his lips up to hers before kissing her] Des Moines, Iowa.

[last lines]

Lee: [narrating] All our activities melted into an everyday sort of life until we looked like any other couple you would see.

E. Edward Grey: [Mr. Grey teaches Lee how to make a bed] Turn that over, yes. Just pull it tight. Now, these pillows like to be stacked. Largest to smallest.

Lee: [narrating] We had a June wedding, by ourselves at the Justice of the Peace.

Lee: [narrating, as we see the two make love outside] Then, we honeymooned in the mountains. We only had the weekend because Edward had to get back to work.

[Lee suggests to Mr. Grey that she can go look through the dumpster for his notes]

E. Edward Grey: I think I accidentally threw out my notes on the Feldman case. Maybe you could...

Lee: ...Go through the garbage?

E. Edward Grey: Yes, Lee. Thank you.

[Lee smiles at Mr. Grey before leaving his office, heading straight into the dumpster garbage to look for the notes]

[Lee narrates about the cutting incident that put her in the institution]

Lee: [narrating] When my accident happened, we were in the kitchen. And my back was to her. Upstairs, my dad was just leaving for work at Havis Department Store. Because there was a limited amount of time that my mom's back was turned... I slipped and cut too deep. I'm not sure how I could have misjudged. I've been doing it since seventh grade.

[Mr. Grey immediately interviews Lee about her personal life]

E. Edward Grey: Are you pregnant?

Lee: No.

E. Edward Grey: Do you plan on getting pregnant?

Lee: [Lee chuckles] No.

E. Edward Grey: Are you living in an apartment?

Lee: A house.

E. Edward Grey: Alone?

Lee: With my parents.

E. Edward Grey: Siblings?

Lee: Well, my sister is going to live in the backyard in the pool house.

E. Edward Grey: Are you married?

Lee: No.

E. Edward Grey: Have you ever won an award?

Lee: Yes.

E. Edward Grey: What did you win an award in?

Lee: Typing.

[Lee confronts her mother who's parked outside where she works]

Lee: Why are you here?

Joan Holloway: I'm just waiting for you, honey.

Lee: But I'm here for five more hours.

Joan Holloway: [Lee's mother smiles] I know.

[Lee shakes her head side-to-side]

[Peter talks to Lee while eating at the Laundromat]

Peter: Some people, right, have to wash something as soon as they've worn it. You know, for, like, half a day.

Lee: Yes.

Peter: And then you got your more laid-back folk who just, you know, maybe they'll wash their stuff when it's dirty.

Lee: Which kind are you?

Peter: I'm the type of guy who wants to get married and have a kid.

Lee: I wash my clothes just when they're dirty.

[Lee tells Peter that he's different than when they first knew each other]

Lee: You're different than you were in high school, Peter.

Peter: I... I changed.

Lee: What happened?

Peter: I had a nervous breakdown.

Lee: [Lee smiles] Me, too. Sort of.

[Mr. Grey tells Lee about the several faults in her body language]

E. Edward Grey: [Mr. Grey slams his book shut stopping Lee from leaving the office] Lee.

E. Edward Grey: [Lee stops and turns around] When people come into this office, you are a visual representation of my business. And the way you dress is disgusting.

Lee: [Lee looks down at her wardrobe] Uh... I'm sorry.

E. Edward Grey: You're tapping your toe all the time and playing with your hair. You're either going to have to wear a hairnet or stop playing with your hair.

E. Edward Grey: [Lee begins to walk back out, as she stops again without turning around] And another thing. Do you realize that you're always sniffling?

Lee: I... I'm sniffling?

E. Edward Grey: And what is with your tongue... when you're typing?

Lee: [Lee pauses before answering] I'm sorry. I didn't know I sniffled.

E. Edward Grey: [Mr. Grey responds in a low tone] Well... you do.

[Mr. Grey tests Lee by pretending the phone is ringing]

E. Edward Grey: The phone is ringing.

E. Edward Grey: [Lee looks to the silent phone] Answer it.

Lee: I'm sorry...

E. Edward Grey: [Mr. Grey makes the sound of a phone ringing] Brriinngg! Brriinngg! Brriinngg!

Lee: [Lee smiles] Oh.

[Lee talks to Peter about his underwear while washing clothes at the Laundromat]

Lee: I've read that if you wear that kind of underwear, that it squeezes... um, your things.

Peter: Balls.

Lee: Yes.

Peter: Balls? My grapes.

Lee: [Lee chuckles] Your grapes?

Peter: My...

Lee: Your testicles! Your sperm gets squozen, and then you can't have babies, and I thought that you said you wanted to have babies. There you go, I said it.

Peter: [Peter stretches on his tighty whities, before he starts to throw them into the trash] To babies! To diapers. To diaper rash.

Peter: [Lee joins Peter as they both begin to throw his underwear in the trash] To breast-feeding. And to crying!

[Mr. Grey finally gets through to Lee on how to correctly answer the phones]

E. Edward Grey: The phone is ringing!

Lee: [Lee holds the phone up to her ear, speaking loud and clear] Hello. This is the office of Mr. E. Edward Grey!

E. Edward Grey: [Mr. Grey begins to rapidly clap as Lee laughs to herself] You see? You see? You see? You see? That's showing a little spunk. After all, I'm not running a mortuary.

Lee: [Lee chuckles in her reply] No.

[Mr. Grey asks Lee about Peter and her having sex]

E. Edward Grey: Did you have a date recently?

Lee: Yes.

E. Edward Grey: With whom did you have a date?

Lee: Um... Peter.

E. Edward Grey: Did you have sex?

E. Edward Grey: [Lee laughs shy to herself] No?

Lee: I don't know.

[Mr. Grey tells Lee that she will never cut herself again]

E. Edward Grey: I'm going to tell you something, Lee. Are you ready to listen?

Lee: Yes.

E. Edward Grey: Are you listening?

E. Edward Grey: [Lee silently nods] You will never, ever cut yourself again. Do you understand? Have I made that perfectly clear. You're over that now. It's in the past.

Lee: [Lee nods whispering] Yes.

E. Edward Grey: ...Ever again.

Lee: Okay.

E. Edward Grey: Now, you know what I want you to do? I want you to leave work early. You're a big girl, a grown woman. Your mother doesn't need to pick you up everyday. I want you to take a nice, walk, home in the fresh air. Because you require relief. Because you won't be doing that anymore. Will you?

Lee: [Lee smiles answering] Yes, sir.

[Lee reads relationship advice from her Cosmo Magazine]

Lee: [narrating] Cosmo's advice for getting your man to share his feelings more intimately is to first try some breezy humor. Whatever you do, don't jump too quickly into relationship talk.

[Lee sits by the pool as one of her sister's friends talks about sexual harassment]

Lee: My lawyer's representing a woman who's suing her boss for sexual harassment.

Jessica: Is he a good lawyer?

Lee: [Lee closes her eyes and moans] He's the best.

Lee's Sister: [Lee's sister jokes back by repeating] 'He's the best.'

[Lee wonders to herself if she's becoming just a regular secretary]

Lee: [narrating] After he turned me away from his house, he put me back at my old desk, and he just stopped doing it. He threw out all his red pens. I kept making typos, but he just treated me like a regular old secretary. After a while, I began to wonder if that's all I was.

[Lee makes a comment about Mr. Grey's tie]

Lee: That's a pretty tie. But I guess you won't be golfing today.

E. Edward Grey: [Lee chuckles to herself] What?

Lee: Your tie. It has golfers on it.

E. Edward Grey: [Lee smiles as Mr. Grey looks down at his tie] Right.

[Mr. Grey calls Lee into his office by the speaker phone]

E. Edward Grey: [Mr. Grey in a low tone on the speaker phone] Ms. Holloway.

Lee: Yes, Mr. Grey?

E. Edward Grey: Come into my office.

Lee: [Lee looks over to the waiting room as Mr. Marvel watches] But Mr. Marvel is waiting.

E. Edward Grey: Ms. Holloway, come into my office.

Lee: Yes, sir.

Lee: [Lee smiles with her eyes closed, whispering] Finally.

[Lee touches herself in the bathroom stall at work, as the paralegal listens from the next stall over]

Lee: [Lee wipes off Mr. Grey's sperm from her back, whispering] Mr. Grey.

Lee: [Lee starts to touch herself, looking at the typo letter] Cock. Place your prick in my mouth. Screw me!

Lee: [Lee closes her eyes, getting closer] Mayonnaise. Orchid. Oh, Mr. Grey!

Lee: [Lee finishes, smiling as she moans out] Edward.

[Lee talks about her future without Mr. Grey]

Lee: [narrating] I opened the envelope the second I got home. It was a check for $680. More than he actually owed me. It occurred to me to tear up the check, but I didn't. I felt like I was doing the right thing. And I didn't tell anybody about any of it. I pretended to go to work as usual, and watched his office from across the street. He hired a new girl and changed the locks on the doors. There was just nothing for me to do about it. My doctor at the institution once said, 'Every journey begins with the first step.' So I decided it was time to meet someone new.

Lee: [narrating] There was one who tried to grab and pinch my nipples before we even made it to his car.

Lee: [Lee shakes the hand of the First Date man] Hi.

Lee: [narrating] Another guy kept ordering me to pee on his patio, and when I refused, he said...

Second Date: [the Second Date man asks Lee] I thought you were a masochist?

Lee: [narrating] Then there was the one who liked being tied to a gas stove while the burners were on full blast, and I had to throw tomatoes at him.

Tomato Date: [the Tomato Date man tells Lee while tied up covered in tomatoes] Thank you!

Lee: [narrating] For a while I just stopped trying and stayed at home, helping dad adjust to his new sobriety. Until one day, out of the blue, Peter proposed marriage to me in the basement of JCPenney's. I think I said yes because I didn't know what else to do.

Lee: [to his assistant] Survival rule number three, kid: You're not here to love anyone. You're here to promote a movie. That's it. Period. Say you're here and you get word that your mother died. You know, like, hit by a bus or something. You go downstairs, you shed a tear, and you say, "It's a shame. She would have loved this movie."

Eddie: She gets a cottage and I get the shitty little suite?

Lee: She has an entourage.

Eddie: What about me?

Lee: You have an entourage?

Eddie: I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. I *am* my own entourage!

Lee: Eddie, the next time you try to kill yourself, just take a hairdryer into the bathtub.

Lee: So what is it? You're in love with Eddie?

Kiki: [long pause] Wouldn't that be stupid?

Lee: Kiki, I've done every one of their movies. I've never seen him look at her the way he's been looking at you. And if you're in love, you should just go for it... the way you went for this breakfast.

Lee: [on the phone] Hello, darling, can I get Holly Golightly's cottage, please? Thank you.

Danny: Who's Holly Golightly?

Lee: It's Gwen's code name. It's from "Breakfast at Tiffany's".

Danny: Oh. What's that?

Lee: It's a movie, a great movie. Hepburn?

Danny: Right. Katharine.

[pause]

Lee: Let me tell you something. Don't tell anyone you're in the movie business. Okay? Thank you.

Leaf Weidmann: Can I defend my father's work?

Gwen: No, you cannot. Who's her father?

Lee: Hal.

Gwen: No, you cannot!

Leaf Weidmann: Well, at least let me defend Hector. I only slept with him once, but I know his penis is bigger than a roll of quarters.

[crowd gasps]

Gwen: [to Hector] You slept with her?

Hector: No! I did not...

Gwen: You slept with her!

Hector: No! No, she is lying!

[grabs the microphone]

Hector: Except for the part about my penis. That's true. It's bigger than coins.

Lee: You look fabulous.

Kiki: Thank you.

Lee: Look at you. What did you do? Is it your hair? What is it?

Kiki: It's my hair, and, err... I had a little sun.

Gwen: [bored] She lost sixty pounds.

Kiki: [pause] And... And... And I lost a little weight.

Lee: I see that. Yeah. You look terrific.

Kiki: Thank you.

Lee: Sixty pounds?

Kiki: Yeah.

Lee: That's a Backstreet Boy!

Lee: Eddie is not demented. It was a one-time incident. This is a forgive-and-forget kind of thing.

Gwen: He tried to kill me, Lee. Am I the only person who remembers that? Attempted murder doesn't get people's attention anymore?

Dave: Well, Lee, I have to say, you have completely outdone yourself. In twenty-four hours, you've given us a walk in the woods, a romantic dinner, and a fist fight. I can't wait to see what happens next!

Lee: [pointedly] Maybe I can get him to commit suicide. Would you like that?

Dave: I don't know. Let me think about it.

Lee: Oh, yeah. I mean, it won't help the initial release, but it'll rent like crazy when it goes to video. We can do a box like a coffin, maybe wrap it in a little black ribbon.

Dave: Ooh, yeah. No, that's good. No, no, wait... imagine if he killed himself at the premiere.

[pause]

Dave: I'm joking... I mean, I'm... thinking out loud, or whatever you call it.

Lee: Okay, Siegfried and Roy just left the building. They're heading for the pool deck.

Danny: Siegfried and Roy are here?

Lee: No, not the real Siegfri... It's a code. *You* wanted to play this game, you little schmuck.

Lee: They liked the movie. The press actually liked this crazy movie. They're calling it the "Blair Bitch Project".

Dave: Remember the crazy guy in the woods?

Davis: Ted Kaczynski.

Dave: Who, the guy at Fox?

Lee: The Unabomber.

Dave: Yeah, the Unabomber. Okay? Remember how he lived in that little cabin?

Lee: So?

Dave: Hal Weidmann bought that cabin from the government and had it moved onto his property. That is where he edits his movies. That is his little, twisted, sicko office.

Hector: What? I'm not invited to the "hunket?"

Lee: I'm thorry, it wath the thudio'th dethithion.

Kiki: What are they, out of butter? How can you run out of butter.

Lee: Well, I have one theory...

Kiki: You know what? I need an assistant, because if I had an assistant, she would be outside right now MILKING A COW and I would never, EVER, run out of butter!

Lee: Did you cut this yourself?

Danny: Well, no, Chad in Marketing...

Lee: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Always take credit. That is survival rule number one.

Danny: Okay, yes, I did it on my Mac.

Lee: Rule number two: Don't take credit until someone actually says they like what you did. It's not bad.

Kingman: I want only one thing: if people think that Eddie and Gwen are going to get back together again, they will go see this movie. I need you to make that happen.

Lee: [smirks] Oh, that'll be easy.

Kingman: Well, look, just make it look like maybe it *could* happen...

Lee: Dave, she has a restraining order against him, and he flipped out, he's nuts! He's living in some nut hut up in the mountains or something.

Kingman: So what? I don't care! I need Eddie and Gwen back together again, smiling and happy! We can sell the shit out of that, Lee.

Lee: What about the Spaniard?

Kingman: Unless I get a script called "I Shtupped Castro", I don't know what to do with him.

Kiki: You know the expression, "falling off the wagon", Lee? This is what it looks like.

Lee: Yeah, but you got twenty or thirty pounds of food to break your fall. What the hell happened?

Kiki: Bad morning. Preceded by thirty three bad years.

Lee: Does this have something to do with Gwen?

Hector: [Eddie is standing on the roof] Is that Pussy Boy?

Gwen: Oh, my God! He's gonna jump!

Lee: He's not gonna jump.

Gwen: I said I was going to give him the divorce papers.

Lee: Shit, he's gonna jump!

Lee: So, do you want to arrive first or second?

Eddie: Second.

Lee: Be right back.

[goes to Gwen's limo]

Lee: He wants to go second.

Kiki: Let him go second.

Gwen: He can go second. No, wait a minute. He should go first. I don't want to look like his opening act. I want to go second.

Kiki: She wants to go second.

Lee: Second it is.

[goes back to Eddie's limo]

Lee: She wants to go second.

Eddie: Fine, let her come second. I don't care. Let her come behind me. That way she'll be able to see the knife she stuck in my back.

Lee: Thank you.

[back at Gwen's limo]

Lee: Second? We're all set.

Gwen: Who cares?

Kiki: She doesn't care.

Gwen: Yes, I do! I'm going first!

Eddie: [back at Eddie's limo] I don't care! I don't care! Why is this an issue?

Lee: I'm just trying to facilitate the...

Eddie: I don't care! Can we just get to the hotel?

Lee: You're going second.

Eddie: [rolling up the window] I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!

Lee: You're going second. Eddie? You're going second.

Eddie: [rolls down the window] I don't care.

Lee: Okay. Thank you.

Dave: Hal here yet?

Lee: No.

Dave: [beat] He's a dead man. No, I'm serious. I know a guy, I'll make a call, and... he's dead.

Hector: Who is this?

Lee: Hi, Hector, I'm Lee Phillips, press agent for "Time Over Time." Just in case you thought I was some guy coming to sweep her off her feet.

Hector: No, no. You're too old.

Gwen: Oh! Hector, honey, be good. I'm sorry, Lee, he's Spanish.

Lee: No problem. I was Spanish once myself.

Kingman: All right, look... if you won't do it for me, do it for my father, okay? You guys worked together a long time. You had a real bond.

Lee: Your father was a psychotic.

Kingman: You spoke at his funeral.

Lee: I loved him. You I can't stand.

Lee: He's going to get through this thing okay, right?

Wellness Guide: [hesitates] Life is a cookie.

Lee: I'm going to take that as a yes.

Lee: [to Gwen's Dobberman] Nazi bastard!

Lee: Gwen, your dog just swallowed your window washer.

Gwen: Puppy!

Lee: Puppy? It's a raptor.

Kiki: Time for Prozac. Excuse me.

Lee: She's on Prozac?

Kiki: If only. The dog.

Gwen: [about Eddie] He was outside my cottage doing something... not good!

Lee: Gwen, everybody does it.

Gwen: I know everyone does it! That's not the point!

Lee: Will you please go talk to your sister? You're the only one she'll pretend to listen to.

Kiki: [sighs] Where is she?

Lee: Grazing.

Lee: [to Gwen's dog] Can I explain why I didn't call?

Eddie: Lee, I can't do this! I told you this was a mistake. She's very close to here, now, isn't she? She's in the next room, I can feel her.

Lee: No. She's in the cottage at the back of the property.

Eddie: [pause] I sensed that. She's close, man, she's real close.

Lee: No, she's not. The cottages are way back on the property. Way back.

Dave: [watching Eddie and Hector fight] Ooh! This is good! Hit him! Hit him!

Lee: Who?

Dave: Anybody!

Lee: Why am I here? I'm just confused. I mean, after all, you did fire me last week, so why am I here?

Dave: I brought you here to see the new Hal Weidmann film.

Danny: How will you get Eddy and Gwen there?

Lee: Don't worry. I know somebody.

Lee: [to Eddie] Come on, you've gotta confront her. Get it over with. She fell in love with another guy, alright? It happens.

Lee: [Gwen's dog licks his crotch] Hey! Come on, these are new pants. Good dog. Hey, get the paper? Come on. Come on. Please. Come on.

[sees Kiki]

Lee: Help.

Kiki: Don't let me interrupt.

Lee: Ladies and gentlemen, here they are... Eddie and Gwen, together again! America's Sweethearts.

Eddie: I blew it. I lost her.

Lee: Guy goes to his rabbi. He says, "I think my wife's trying to poison me." Rabbi says, "Let me talk to her." Comes back a little later and says, "Listen, I spoke to your wife for three hours. Take the poison." You get it? You and Gwen are over.

Eddie: I don't care about Gwen! I'm talking about Kiki.

Lee: It's him. On the phone.

Kingman: Who?

Lee: Hal.

Kingman: I'll kill him! That sick son-of-a-bitch bastard! Put him on the speaker!

[Lee turns on the speaker]

Kingman: [sweetly] Hi, Hal! How are you, darling? You're in my thoughts. I want to send you a basket.

Lee: Now, we have to keep the press entertained and on the go. The best junkets are the ones where the press thinks it's a weekend not about the movie, but about them. So we have to program the shit out of them: cocktail parties, hayrides, circle jerks. Whatever you have to do to keep them from remembering they haven't seen the movie they're there to review. What are we doing for gifts?

Danny: Oh, uh, the movie's about a cop traveling through time, so l did a gun.

Lee: You're giving members of the press a gun?

Danny: Well, no, it's not real...

Lee: [rolls his eyes] We'll do a bag, a really nice bag. Call Sol, the bag man. Diamond earrings for the ladies, money clips for the men. Move it, Gail! Chocolate truffles, the best perfume.

Lee: [on the phone] Hello? Hey, Gwen, it's Lee. Listen, I'm at the restaurant, and guess what? You're not! Are you okay?... Oh, that's too bad... No, no, Eddie's fine. He's with Kiki, and she looks unbelievable. It may be a little "hello, young lovers" for me, and I may have some fires to put out later, but hey, that's my problem, isn't it?... Have a nice night. Feel better. Okay. Bye.

[hangs up]

Lee: Five minutes.

Danny: You're amazing.

Lee: Take notes, kid.

[Repeated line]

Lee: Kill Crites!

Imogene: Okay, were Brittany Spears and Christina Aguilera the same person?

Lee: Yeah, they totally were.

Imogene: [rejoices] I knew it.

Lee: People used to smile at work here. Designers used to stay up all night working together just to get one piece perfect. It felt like family.

Lee: Ah, Colin, I hope you washed your hands.

Colin: You know I don't carry germs unless I can accessorize.

Lee: He won't die!

Billy: You are such a pussy.

Lee: ...He's stronger than he looks!

Billy: [laughs towards Lee]

Lee: You do it then!

Billy: No fucking way, Lee!

Billy: [Hands Lee his pocket knife] Here. Take it.

Lee: What if he tries to grab the knife away from me, or something?

Billy: I don't know, just fucking stab him really quick...

Lee: Like where?

Billy: Stab him in the fucking stomach, I don't know!

Lee: He's going to bleed all over the floor, Billy!

Billy: Who fucking cares! Do it!

Lee: [Interrupting] Shut up!

Billy: Come you little pussy! Do it, you bitch!

Lee: ...Don't push me!

Billy: Stab him! Fucking kill him!

[Lee lunges toward Charley]

Charley Bratley: Ow!

Billy: Oh, shit...

Charley Bratley: You stabbed me in the stomach!

Lee: I did it! I did it Billy...

Billy: ...Is it deep?

Lee: Is it deep, Charley?

Charley Bratley: [pauses] Fuck you!

Billy: [to Charley] Hey, shitballs, come here. I want to show you something. Now, when you get to high school, if anyone tries to kick your ass - well, you're probably gonna get your ass kicked anyways, but if you weren't such a pussy, you could try this. Come at me, hit me in the chest.

[Charlie weakly hits him]

Billy: No, really come at me like you got a pair.

[Charlie lunges at Billy, who tosses him across the room]

Billy: Good! That was good!

Crystal Falls: Oh, my God, Billy! Are you hurt, Charley?

Lee: [Interrupting] He's about half your size, man!

Billy: Are you fucking kidding me? We're fucking kidnapping this kid! Am I the only one who fucking remembers that?

Lee: You're such a dick, Billy.

Billy: It isn't deep.

Lee: Well, fucking pardon me!

Mr. Parker: Those kids again, Lee?

Lee: We're doing a group project.

Mrs. Parker: With them, Lee? You think they care what grades you get?

Lee: Mom...

Mr. Parker: Look, son, you let your grades go now, maybe you don't get into a top tier school.

Lee: Yeah.

Mr. Parker: You don't get into a top tier school, maybe you settle for a second-rate job. Maybe you don't have the life you want. Maybe each and every day you wake up, and want to crawl back into bed, and tell the world to go straight to hell.

Mrs. Parker: We're just saying, you've worked too hard to blow it in your last year.

Mr. Parker: We've all worked hard together, Lee. So, what do you say champ? Hop in the car?

Lee: ...It's for school.

Charley Bratley: So, who are you guys calling?

Lee: Your brother.

Charley Bratley: Who?

Lee: Your brother, Dean.

Charley Bratley: I don't have no brother.

Lee: [pauses] ... Charlie Stiffle?

Charley Bratley: [Shakes his head] Charley Bratley.

Lee: It's who you know, Laurel. Life is all networking!

Lee: Life has a malicious way of dealing with great potential.

Dale Putley: Gentlemen, haven't we learned anything from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love.

Lee: No, all we need is money, mate.

Scott: The money is safe. It's in a safe! It's at the hotel where I'm staying. I'll go get it.

Lee: Um, do I have 'asshole' tattooed on my forehead for something? I think we all better go get it, eh? Now Scott, you're not bullshitting us are you? Because if you're bullshitting us, I'm gonna kill you.

Lee: All queens rise

[they all rise and put their hands on their breasts]

Brian: Oh blessed Saint Mary of drag queens. Please grant your never humble servants and our new friends with grace, jewels, and support hose.

Lee, Brian, Paul, Robert: Gay-men

Connie, Carla: Gay-men

Robert: By night we're a duo act Peaches 'n Cream.

Lee: I hate our name.

Robert: I think it's beautiful.

Lee: That's because you're the Peaches part I'm 'n Cream. My name is 'n Cream. What does that even mean?

Lee: Good falsies. What do you use?

Connie: None of your beeswax.

[Lee proceeds to feel her breasts]

Carla: Yea, they're really good you should all have a feel.

[All of the guys walk over to feel her breasts]

Robert: Supple. Good.

Connie: Ok, then.

[Gives Carla a look]

Lee: [to Elliot as he realizes he has been betrayed to the cops] How do you know his name? Why the fuck does he know your name? You piece of shit. You can forget about acting for the next twenty years, your fucking career is over. Take your fucking SAG card and burn it. You little cocksucker. I treated you like a son. You fucking stab me in the heart.

[to driver that cut him off]

Lee: Don't give me the finger! I'll fucking have you killed!

Lee: [on the phone] Who the fuck is Dick?

Elliot: [Mishearing him] Huh? You want me to suck his dick?

Lee: [talking on his car phone] So Elliot, how well do you know this Clarence?

Elliot: He's a friend of Dick Richie.

Lee: [muffled] Who the fuck is Dick?

Elliot: Wha... you want me to suck... his dick?

Lee: WHO THE FUCK IS DICK RICHIE?

[Lee Donowitz is discussing possible titles for his next film]

Lee: What does Joe like?

Elliot: Um... "Body Bags 2".

Lee: [Sarcastically] Oooo, that's imaginative. I've got more taste in my penis.

Boris: Lee, this guy's...

Lee: Boris, please, I'm meeting people right now.

Clarence Worley: [Trying to get his attention] Uh, Mr. Donowitz.

Lee: [Overtly friendly] Oh, Clarence, don't insult me, just call me Lee.

Boris: [With urgency] Lee...

Lee: [Annoyed] Boris, shut the fuck up!

Lee: Boris, shut the fuck up. We're all gonna die here. These are cops.

Boris: So what, they're cops, who gives a shit? Hey Lee, there's something I never told you about me: I hate fuckin' cops.

Lee: Clarence, if you don't know shit, then why does he think that you can sell it?

Clarence Worley: [Chuckles ] I bullshitted him.

Earl Sylvester: I don't know where Johnny is, what trouble he got into ...

Lee: [Interrupting] He's dead!

Earl Sylvester: [as Lee smiles at him in amusement] He's dead?

Charlie Strom: [laconically] ALL the way.

Earl Sylvester: How'd he die?

Lee: Johnny North choked to death on one question... too many.

Lee: [bemusedly] Oh, Charlie... Charlie... you're always on top, aren't you, Charlie?

Charlie Strom: [laconically] I'm still alive.

Charlie Strom: [referring to Mickey Farmer] He knows me. I had to lean on him once.

Lee: You know 'em all, don't ya?

Charlie Strom: You never know them all.

Lee: Who did this room? Parker Brothers?

Lee: I'm trying to hold on to a husband, who's trying to hold on.

Christine: With your money?

Lee: You were always so sweet to me, at Daddy's legendary Sunday lunches.

Philip: I can still see you sitting on Olivia DeHavilland's lap.

Christine: Anyhow, as I was saying, they shoot you full of these rhino tranqs and then they wrap you in these hot sheets. You wake up five days later about 30 pounds thinner - and screaming for hot turkey sandwiches. I mean, it's... Hey, are you listening to me?

Lee: Kind of...

Christine: I'm here because I've got a client to keep, and one to get. What's your excuse?

Lee: I'm trying to hold on to a husband... who's trying to hold on.

Christine: With your money?

Lee: I didn't know you were coming.

Christine: You're happy I can tell.

Lee: I'm delighted. Clinton can take his frustrations out on you.

Christine: All I know are two words, scuzi and pronto.

Lee: Pronto will be enough.

Lee: It was an accident! It was an accident, I swear Clinton! I was DRINKING !

Tom: Did you smoke then?

Lee: I don't know. I can't remember.

Tom: Surely not in the priest's box?

Lee: No, of course not.

Christine: C'mon Lee, between the two of us we can knock this off.

Lee: Jesus!

Christine: Honestly, I can speak a little frog.

Lee: Do you think we'll ever hear the last of Sheila?

Lee: Do you think there's a homosexual aboard the yacht?

Joe: I think we are going to get away with it you know.

Lee: What makes you so sure?

Joe: God's on our side.

Lee: This is all in your head!

Alex: My head? you broke it. You broke it!

Lee: You can hardly see it, except when you're laughing.

Rita Carmichael: Well, it has been a while since I've laughed.

Lee: Maybe I can fix that for you, too.

Bessie: I wish we could get along.

Lee: We do get along.

Bessie: No I know but I mean really get along and be polite with one another.

Lee: We're Sisters.

Bessie: Oh, Lee, I've been so lucky. I've been so lucky to have Dad and Ruth. I've had such love in my life. You know, I look back, and I've had such... such love.

Lee: They love you very much.

Bessie: No, that's not what I mean. No, no... I mean that I love them. I've been so lucky to have been able to love someone so much.

Lee: We're going to see your Aunt Bessie in Florida. She's not feeling so well.

Hank: I didn't even knew I had an Aunt Bessie.

Lee: She came to the house right after your Dad and I were married.

Hank: I wasn't even born yet.

Lee: Oh.

Lee: You know how every goddamn Christmas I say, Looks like we didn't get a card again this year from your Aunt Bessie? Well, that's my sister Bessie.

Lee: This is my sister we're talking about. We're not gonna let her die just so you can have one of your moods.

Lee: We call it the loony bin, or the nut house, to show that we've got a sense of humor about it.

Hank: [upon being asked to get out of the car] They're having a top 100 countdown and I want to hear number 1.

Lee: What number are they up to?

Hank: 86!

Lee: [to her son] My feelings for you, Hank, are like a big bowl of -

[sighs]

Lee: fish hooks. I can't just pick up one up at a time. I pick one up and they all come, so I just had to leave 'em alone.

Lee: Are you behaving yourself?

Hank: Well, they're not strapping me down anymore.

Lee: Aunt Ruth, you're up and around.

Ruth: Yeah, I'm part machine.

Lee: Don't waste your time trying to make friends with him. We're only going to be here a few days.

[last lines]

Ruth: Bessie! Oh Bessie, you missed it. Coral finally married Lance!

Bessie: But now, wasn't Lance married to Coral's mother?

Lee: No! Coral was married to Lance's father.

Ruth: He's really a nice boy.

Lee: Look, I'm sorry. Why don't you just cook me some dinner and I'll go rent us some porno?

Pursy Will: I have to go to a funeral, Lee. Unless I missed it because you forgot to tell me that my mother is dead!

Lee: [Lee explains about how he got arrested for dancing] Hey, Mom, these fools busted us for dancing, can you believe that?

Cora: I believe you better shut your damn mouth before I decide to leave you down here.

Lee: Ann, it's something I have to tell you and I have to tell you now.

Ann: Lee, I'm...

Lee: I love you! I'm in love with you... And the world seens less terrible because you exist! I feel like I wanna be with you for the rest of my life... And all that, the palpitations, and the nerves... the pain, the happiness, and the fear! I wanna... I wanna touch you all the times! I wanna take care of you and your girls! And even find your husband a decent job! And get you a house that doesn't have wheels and...

Ann: Careful... That sounds like a classic case of falling in love.

Lee: I am in love... I'm classically in love!

Ann: If you don't kiss me right now I'm gonna scream.

[She screams, he kisses her]

Lee: If you don't kiss me right now, I'm gonna fucking scream.

[She kisses him]

Lee: Hey.

Ann: Hi.

Lee: My body hurt thinking you weren't gonna come.

Ann: I wasn't gonna come.

Lee: Well, I'm glad you did.

Lee: If you love your wife so much, why are you here with me?

William S. Burroughs: Love is not sex.

Joan Vollmer: Didn't you two bone up on your wilderness lore down there in the jungle?

Lee: The jungle was fucking ghastly

Joan Vollmer: Uh, I don't understand, the jungle was ghastly or the fucking was ghastly... or both?

Lee: Where are the cookies? I must have the cookies!

Jake Livingston: [notices Sam on the couch] Hey guys, let's get out of here, ok?

Lee: Now?

Jake Livingston: Yeah. Let's go over to your house.

Lee: All we got is Melba Toast!

Lee: The hole in the birdhouse isn't getting any bigger guys.

Donnie: What the fuck does that mean?

Big Frank: Yeah, they're gonna be big - real big.

Lee: Yeah, Night Ranger big.

Lee: Did you know Kim carried a gun?

Abernathy: Yes. Now, do I approve? No. Do I know? Yes?

Kim: Look, I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in, but the world I live in, a bitch need a gun.

Abernathy: You can't get around the fact that people who carry guns, tend to get shot more than people who don't.

Kim: And you can't get around the fact that if I go down to the laundry room in my building at midnight enough times, I might get my ass raped.

Lee: Don't do your laundry at midnight.

Kim: Fuck that! I wanna do my laundry whenever the fuck I wanna do my laundry.

Abernathy: There are other things you can carry other than a gun. Pepper spray.

Kim: Uh, motherfucker tryna rape me? I don't wanna give him skin rash! I wanna shut that nigga down!

Abernathy: How about a knife at least?

Kim: Yeah, you know what happens to motherfuckers carry knives? They get shot! Look, if I ever become a famous actress, I wont carry a gun. I'll hire me a do-dirt nigga, and he'll carry the gun. And when shit goes down, I'll sit back and laugh, but until that day, it's Wild West motherfucker!

Lee: [to Zoë] I'm sorry, but what is "home"? Is that Australia, right?

Zoë: [seemingly offended] What do you mean by that, mate?

Abernathy: Zoë's from New Zealand. And you never, I repeat, NEVER, call a Kiwi an Aussie.

Kim: Not unless you wanna get your ass kicked.

Lee: I'm so sorry, I really am.

Zoë: [Abby, Zoë and Kim laugh] We're just taking the piss out of you, mate!

Abernathy: Listen to this, the Circle A clerk has this month's issue of Italian Vogue.

Lee: No way!

Abernathy: Way.

Lee: I can't belive a fucking Circle A clerk carries Italian Vogue.

Abernathy: It doesn't. It's his own personal copy. He'll let it go for 27 bucks.

Lee: [scoffs] 27 bucks?

Abernathy: What the fuck do you care? We're talking about fucking per diem here. We found an issue of Italian Vogue in Lebanon, Tennessee. We're lucky he's not asking for fuckin' Krugerrands. I'm getting it, and we're splitting it three ways.

Lee: What? Me, you, and Kim?

Abernathy: No. Kim doesn't give a shit about Italian Vogue. But Brandy will come in with us, and if she won't, Tyson, her assistant, will.

Lee: Okay, but if anyone tears out any sheets that I want, you gotta make color Xerox copies of those pages, and I'm not talkin' fuckin' Kinko's here either. You take it to the art department and have them do it fucking right.

Abernathy: You best get your ass off of Kim's car.

Lee: I've seen Kim sit on it.

Abernathy: Your ass ain't her ass.

Lee: [Zoe asks Kim if she still has her gun] You carry a gun?

Kim: Hell yeah.

Lee: Well... do you have a license to carry that?

Kim: [Zoe laughs quietly] Uh, yeah... they gave it to me after I became a Secret Service Agent...

Lee: Oh, I didn't know that -

[Zoe laughs some more]

Lee: [Lee turns to Abernathy] Did you know that she carried a gun?

Abernathy: Yes. Now, do I approve? No. But, do I know? Yes.

Kim: Well, look, I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in, but where I live, a bitch need a gun! If I go down at midnight to do my laundry, I might get my ass raped!

Lee: [the girls laugh] Don't do your laundry at midnight, then.

Kim: Fuck that! I'll do my fucking laundry whenever the fuck I wanna do my laundry!

Zoë: So let's hear it ladies. Set romances, who's gettin' it off?

Kim: That would be Lee and Toolbox.

Zoë: Oh, Toolbox. Name sounds promising.

Abernathy: He's a grip.

Lee: What he is, is a pervert.

Zoë: Wow, he just keeps sounding better and better. What's his perversion?

Lee: He likes to watch me pee.

Kim: Lee is sittin' on a toilet and Toolbox is watching her pee, P-I-S-S-I-N-G. Haha! Yeah, but not anymore, now she's getting it on with the rock.

Zoë: You're having one off with The Rock?

Lee: Yeah, but not the real Rock. He's this electrician named Bruce, and Kim started calling him The Rock because he looks like The Rock, so we all just started calling him the Rock.

Kim: Oh yeah, this is an all star crew, we got a guy that looks like Nick Cage, and a guy that looks like Pee Wee Herman too.

Zoë: Kim, dick department, let's hear it!

Kim: No dick this trip. I got a man.

Zoë: How long have you had this boyfriend for?

Kim: Three months.

Zoë: Who'd you steal him from?

Abernathy: Kim, he totally had a girlfriend.

Zoë: All of Kim's boyfriends start out as someone else's boyfriend.

Kim: I didn't steal him, I didn't steal any of them, they all just... jumped ship.

Abernathy: Zoe, Kim and I were in the Philippines at an outdoor rave.

Lee: What were you working on?

Kim: Three Kicks to the Head Part Three

Abernathy: And admittedly, we're a little fucked up.

Zoë: Cheers to that.

Abernathy: So Zoe, the genius wants to take a picture of me, now it's dark, and you can't see shit. So she's got her camera and keeps saying "Step back a little" so I do, "A little further!" so I step back a little further. "A little more!" so I do. Then I realized, I'm right at the edge of a seven foot concrete ditch with god knows how many rocks and broken bottles and rats in it, and if I fell in that fucking thing, I would have probably broken my fucking neck. So I'm yelling at her, "Zoe, you almost killed me!" so we laugh about it, walk a little further, and Zoe starts fucking around, and bam, if she doesn't fall in the fucking ditch.

Zoë: I remember taking a step, looking down, just as I'm thinking "Oh, there's that ditch everyone was talking about!" bam, I'm in the fucking ditch, you know?

Lee: So what happened?

Abernathy: What, with Zoe the cat? Nothing. If I fell in that fucking thing, they would have had to helicopter me out of there. Zoe just lands on her fucking feet. But then later, I started feeling a little down about myself. I mean, Zoe falls in the ditch and it's nothing, we're laughing about it. If I fell in that fucking thing, I probably would have been fucking paralyzed.

Lee: Oh, well you can't think like that. You know, we all have our individual talents, and that just happens to be one of Zoe's.

Kim: Well, physically speaking, Zoe is amazing. I mean, agility, reflexes, nimbleness, there's few human beings who could fuck with Zoe on that front.

Zoë: Aw, Kim, I like you too.

Kim: Having said that, before you get too envious of Zoe's prowess, you're missing the most important part of that story. You didn't fall in the ditch, Zoe did. Zoe even knew there was a ditch there because you told her and she still fell in it. So, Lee's right, we all have our talents.

Zoë: Hey, I resemble that remark.

Abernathy: The answer to your question, is no, of course not.

Zoë: What do you mean "no of course not?"

Abernathy: The reason Cecil hasn't had a girlfriend in six years, is because girls will fuck him. And if you fuck Cecil, you don't become one of his girlfriends. Not to say I want to be his girlfriend, but if I did want to be his girlfriend, if I fucked him, I wouldn't be his girlfriend, I'd be one of his regulars. And I'm getting too fucking old for that shit.

Zoë: Have you let him do anything?

Abernathy: Yes! I've let him give me a foot massage, and when we go to the movies, I let him hold my hand.

Kim: Bitch, you might be acting like you're twelve years old, but he is acting like a man. You need to break the nigga off a piece.

Zoë: Let me get this straight, you're not fucking him, you're not sucking him, you're not giving him any tongue, but Darryl Hannah's stand in is?

Abernathy: Okay, can we just take my sex life off the table?

Zoë: Actually, it was Cecil's sex life that was on the table, and your lack of one.

Kim: HAHA.

Abernathy: Okay, fuck both of you and your little high five.

Kim: Before you can claim a nigga, you got to claim a nigga. And you can start by giving the mother fucker a hand job on the back of the van on Tuesday.

Abernathy: I'm not gonna do that.

Kim: I know you won't, but you know who will? The bitch that ends up living in that big ass mansion of his.

Lee: Now I gotta say, I haven't agreed with everything that Kim's said, but it is true, if you stretched it out what you have with Cecil, if you suddenly get dirty on him, it blows their minds...

Zoë: So what's your story, Abernathy?

Abernathy: I had a set crush on Cecil.

Kim: Set crush? Nigga please, you were his set wife.

Abernathy: Were and Had being the key words here.

Kim: Bitch, you two are still into each other, and you know it.

Abernathy: Oh yeah? If he's still into me, then why did he fuck Darryl Hannah's stand in? Yes, men are dogs, oh it's so funny, oh it's so funny!

Kim: Oh, stop acting all hurt, your ass is just mad.

Abernathy: Yeah, he's a stand in fucker.

Kim: Bitch, you need to get over that shit, that was two weeks ago.

Abernathy: Oh, well now when you put it like that. Oh I haven't told you the best part, he fucked her on my birthday.

Zoë: Oh, that's a horse of a different color.

Abernathy: Thank you.

Zoë: Did he know it was your birthday? I mean, he's the director, he's kinda busy.

Abernathy: He ate a piece of my birthday cake, and he got me a present. Yeah, I think he knew.

Zoë: What'd he get you?

Abernathy: He made me a tape.

Lee: He made you a tape? Wait, he didn't burn you a CD, he made you a tape? Oh, it's so romantic.

Abernathy: I know what you're gonna say so don't even go there.

Kim: That sounds like the test of true love to me.

Abernathy: Look, I know you guys like him, he's likeable... but he fucked another woman on my birthday. How can you not be on my side?

Zoë: Well, I admit, that sounds bad.

Abernathy: It is bad!

Zoë: It just sounds like there's a little more to it than that. Were you two fucking?

Kim: Hell no!

Abernathy: Hello, is your name Abernathy?