Lars Quotes in El padrino (2004)

Lars: You are a wasted species. You don't belong here.

[after feeding the natives marijuana]

Lars: Oh fuck, they got the munchies!

Lars: You're such a fat guy in love.

Jonah: I am not.

Lars: There's nothing sadder than that.

Lars: I can smell it. My God, I can smell my friend being cooked.

[Josh is posing for a "Before" picture, and by doing so, he put his finger in his nose]

Lars: Please put your fat finger down!

[Josh does so, and turns to the wall and stretches the "Before" sign across his bottom, causing Lars to get so aggravated that he snaps the camera valve in his hand too many times, causing it to not work anymore]

Lars: [He pushes the valve seeing if it still works, and it doesn't] You've broken my camera!

Lars: [Pushes one kid in the water] Hey, don't pee in the water!

Lars: [Pushes another kid in the water] Hey, don't drink the water, he peed in it!

Lars: Now, I must inform you; I have a severely deviated septum. When I sleep I make a very disturbing sound... Don't be alarmed, I am fine. Now! Go to sleep...

Gerry: [writing a letter] Dear Grandma... someone once said, "War is hell." They've never been to fat camp. I knew the food would be bad...

[shows a revolting-looking lunch being passed out]

Gerry: ... but even worse...

[shows Lars stabbing the Blob with a spear]

Gerry: ... today he killed the Blob.

Gerry: [goes to the go-kart track, closed and with people putting the karts in a pile] As for the go-karts, well... may they rest in pieces. I'm writing you because nobody else seemed to care.

Maury Garner: [on the phone] I did not send you to 'go-kart' camp!

Tony Perkis: [on the PA] Attention campers, lunch has been cancelled today, due to lack of hustle. Deal with it...

Gerry: Tony Perkis tries to lead by example...

Tony Perkis: [shows Tony on a bed of nails, and two guys placing an ice block on his stomach] This is the 18th level of the PerkiSystem. You'll all be doing this by Labor Day! All right, do it to it, Lars!

Lars: [standing by with a large hammer at the block] It's my honor, Tony.

[Lars breaks the ice block while the campers freak out. Tony is unharmed]

Gerry: ...but we're afraid to follow.

Tony Perkis: [nighttime, the campers are around a large fire along with Tony] I know each and every one of you - because I WAS you!

Gerry: Once a day, the kids from Camp MVP, drive by and make fun of us.

MVP camper: [shows the MVP counselor and two campers driving by in a motor boat]

[Into a megaphone]

MVP camper: You STINK! You STINK! You STINK! You STINK! HA ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[Gerry and Roy are ducked down in the water]

Gerry: At night...

[shows some more MVP campers at the dock carrying cans of paint]

Gerry: ... they vandalize our camp.

[Pat is scrubbing it all off]

Gerry: [looks at Josh's empty bed and continues] At least Josh got out... where there's food. We have to resort... to more desperate measures.

[Shows the campers chasing cows and shouting]

Gerry: Tony's arranged a dance with the girls' camp... so he can humiliate us into losing weight. Pray for me, Grandma. Love, Gerry.

Lars: I'm feeling skinny Tony!

Roy: Lars? What kind of name is that? Where you from?

Lars: [pause] ... Far Away!

Lars: [over speakers] Now, its time to meet your new owner and operator. Tony Perkis is a man who believes in you. His life is dedicated to saying things like "YES!" and "You better believe it!" Entrepenuer, a motivator, and a new friend! May I introduce, TONY PERKIS!

Lars: Congratulations, Mr. Simms. You are the fattest boy in camp.

Lars: Hello, I am your new friend and counselor. Please insists about wearing your Perkins System uniforms. Your families will be billed automatically. Now, lets play a fun game that helps us learn each others names.

Josh: [mocking Lars' accent] We already know each others names.

Lars: Silence!

Lars: I have them on the "body" system.

Julie: The "body" system?

Lars: Yeah, the body system.

[blows whistle and screams]

Lars: BODY!

Boys: [holding hands] BUDDY!

Lars: BODY!

Boys: BUDDY!

Lars: BODY!

Boys: BUDDY!

Julie: Oh! 'Buddy'!

Lars: Huh very fat I see.

Lars: [singing] I was not scared of that big deer.

Lars: [over the PA] Pat Finley, please report to the men's toilet. Bring a mop and a plunger... now!

Lars: [tied to a tree, campers come at him with lit torches] AHHHHHH!

Dawson: Shut up! Hey Lars, guess what? We're in charge now. You know what we found out? We found out that if you don't have a job

[laughs]

Dawson: You get deported! So Lars, buddy, you with us, or against us?

Lars: I'm with you.

[turns to other camper]

Lars: I love you.

[discussing Lars' music video]

Lars: No, no, no, cut, cut.

Lars' agent: What's the problem?

Lars: Well, the problem is you can't fight off an army of blood-thirsty Vikings with a shenai, it's illogical.

Lars' agent: No, no, see, you're lulling them into submission with the music. See, that's the whole point of the song, really, mystic surrender.

[the Viking is covering his ears in agony]

Lars: You don't think he looks like he hates the music?

Lars: How does Bora Bora sound?

Sara: Very sexy sexy.

Lars: I don't believe it. He snapped the trap, ate the olive and left the pit just to mock us!

Ernie: I think you're giving him a little too much credit. Mice don't mock. They don't have a sense of humor or irony. He's not sitting in his hole in a smoking jacket sipping cognac, and giggling to himself, "I left the pit!" The trap snapped itself, the olive flew off and he ate it. It's just that simple. But now that he knows we're here, he won't come within a mile of us. I don't think we'll be seeing any more of that...

[sees mouse in cereal bowl]

Ernie: MOUSE!

[the mouse is lying helpless in front of the two Smuntzes]

Lars: Look, he's still breathing.

Ernie: Well, kill him! Find a blunt object!

[Lars grabs a fireplace shovel and raises it over the mouse]

Ernie: Let him have it!

[Lars tries several times, but can't]

Ernie: What the hell are you waiting for?

Lars: I can't just hit him with a shovel.

Ernie: Why not?

Lars: Well, look at him, he's pathetic!

Ernie: Pathetic? He's Hitler with a tail! This is The Omen with whiskers! Nostradamus didn't see this thing coming!

Lars: Ernie, he's a living thing...

Ernie: Not for long, give me that!

[He grabs the shovel and tries to whack the mouse, but can't]

Ernie: I CAN'T!

[He sobs, beating his own forehead with the shovel]

Ernie: Look at him just lying there. It just doesn't feel very sportsmanlike!

Lars: We'd better do something quick, I think he's coming to!

[Cut to Lars and Ernie driving to the Post Office. Ernie is holding a small box addressed "TO FIDEL CASTRO, HAVANA, CUBA." Scratching is heard inside the box, and Ernie raises it to his ear]

Ernie: Aw... I forgot to put holes in the box.

[Ernie chuckles evilly. At the Post Office, they drop the box through a slot and watch it slide down the mail chute]

Ernie: Hasta la vista, you little rat bastard!

Ernie: [to Lars] Come on. You loved string!

Lars: I didn't love string!

Ernie: Well, you could have fooled me! You and Pop were always huddled together running some piece of something through your fingers. It didn't matter what I did. I didn't even exist! I made him my special rack of lamb for his 70th birthday.

Lars: [sighing in resignation] Oh, no!

Ernie: Yes! You remember. I slaved over that meal, making sure everything was perfect. Did he say, "Thanks, Ernie, it was delicious"? No. He only noticed the string I had tied it with.

[first lines]

Lars: [at their father's funeral, they carry his coffin down the steps of a cathedral] Hold your end up higher, you're not holding it.

Ernie: I am too.

Lars: You are not.

Ernie: Don't worry about me. Hey, isn't that suit charcoal?

Lars: No.

Ernie: Looks charcoal gray to me, some gray polyester blend. Couldn't even find a black suit for your own father's funeral.

Lars: It's black.

Ernie: No, I'm sure it's gray.

Lars: It's black.

Ernie: Gray.

Lars: Black.

Ernie: Gray.

Lars: Black!

Ernie: Fine, it's black. It's the grayest black I've ever seen.

Lars: It doesn't matter what color it is!

[the handle on the coffin breaks off and the coffin slides down the steps]

Lars: I'm sorry, Pop! I'm sorry!

[Ernie takes a shotgun off the wall]

Lars: What are you gonna do?

Ernie: I'm gonna kill that unspeakable thing once and for all.

Lars: Ernie, no, no...

Ernie: Stay back, Lars! I'm a man on a mission!

Lars: This is how accidents happen, come on, Ernie, just put the gun down...

Ernie: I'm gonna blow his furry little head off, and I'm gonna splatter his devious little mouse brain from here to kingdom come!

[the Smuntzes have covered the entire kitchen floor with mousetraps]

Lars: Don't you think this is a little much?

Ernie: Never underestimate your opponent. Let's say he has mastered a way to empty a mousetrap without getting caught. If he snaps one of these babies, a chain reaction will start snapping them all. He'll panic, and the law of averages says one of them has to nab him.

Lars: Not bad.

Ernie: Yes, well, I like to use both sides of my brain. Come on, let's hit the sack.

[they get up to leave, only to realize they locked the door and that they are all trapped in with a bunch of loaded mousetraps]

Lars: Well, these are all kittens. We were hoping for an older cat, one with experience.

Maury, the Cat Care Society Owner: That's a switch. Most people like the cute little ones. Experience with what?

Ernie: Mouse-hunting.

Maury, the Cat Care Society Owner: Oh, all cats are good mousers.

Ernie: Yes, but you see, we have huge rats, the size of sumo wrestlers, and lots of 'em, so we really need a ferocious feline, preferably one with a history of mental illness. I'm talkin' one mean pussy.

Lars: Yeah! A vicious cat, difficult to love. You got any of those knocking around your cages?

Maury, the Cat Care Society Owner: Funny you should ask. I had given up hope of anyone wanting him. We were about to gas him again.

Lars, Ernie: "Again"?

Lars: [Ernie's in the hospital after being hit by a bus] Ernie, are you okay? I came as soon as I heard.

Ernie: Why are you wearing a pink overcoat?

Lars: Because April gave us the 1200 dollars!

Lars: Look! You blew a hole in the floor!

Ernie: And I distinctly remember somebody yelling, "Shoot! Shoot!"

Lars: Yeah, well you never listened to me before!

Alexander: I own eveything of LaRue. His books, his letters.

[signifies shoes]

Alexander: You see these shoes?

Ernie, Lars: LaRue's?

Alexander: No, but I'm sure he would have loved them.

Lars: Wow, did you feel that?

Ernie: What?

Lars: I got a chill. You should never talk about Pop like that.

Ernie: Really? What's this do for you?

[shouting]

Ernie: Thanks for nothing, you string-sucking old loon!

Lars: He didn't mean it, Pop.

Lars: Some things are more important than money, Ernie.

Ernie: Notice it's always the financially challenged who say that?

Ernie: [after releasing the cat into the house] Well... I almost feel sorry for the little fella.

[pause]

Ernie, Lars: Almost!

[laugh]

Ernie: [reading the tag on the side of the cage] "Catzilla"?

Maury, the Cat Care Society Owner: Oh, you know the guys who clean up call him that. But you can call him anything you want. I'd say he looks more like a "Fluffy."

Lars: [leans down] Aw, poor little Catzilla. You want a home, don't you? You want to get out of here. Well, you're gonna have to kill, kill, kill for it!

Ernie: You're a stupid cat, aren't you? Yes, you are! And you're ugly, too...

[the cat lunges, Maury subdues him with a taser]

Lars: [noticing his torn coat sleeve] Oh, you little bastard!

Ernie: We'll take him!

[Quoting his father]

Lars: A world without string is chaos.

Ernie: Shh! He's goin' for the cherries!

Lars: I thought you said mice like Gouda.

Ernie: Not in the morning! Cheese tires them out. They need fruit for energy.

Lars: [as his wife is packing a suitcase] Please, April, don't go.

April Smuntz: I'm not going anywhere.

[frame cuts to Lars standing on the porch with the suitcase]

Lars: You think I didn't have other things I wanted to do with my life? You think I didn't have ambitions of my own?

Ernie: Ambitions?

[laughs]

Ernie: Come on, you love string!

Lars: We made love in a way I've-I've only ever seen in nature films!

Lars: You used to love string.

April Smuntz: That was before, when I was dating the son of wealthy string magnate! Not now when I am married to the half owner of a worthless deathtrap!

Lars: Ah, you must be Caesar.

Ernie: Hello, Mr. Caesar. Glad you could come so quickly.

Caesar: Shh.

[has a quick look-around]

Caesar: You have mice.

Lars: [under his breath] He's good.

Ernie: I hate you!

Lars: And I hate you!

Ernie: Not as much as I hate you!

Lars: Yeah!

Ernie: Yeah, DOUBLE! DOUBLE! Oh, give me something!

[Starts looking for something to throw. Lars grabs an orange]

Ernie: I'm gonna brain you!

Lars: 'Ere it is!

Ernie: Oh, yeah! Give it to me then! Go ahead!

[Lars throws the orange. Ernie ducks and the orange hits the mouse, who was watching. Ernie spots the mouse]

Ernie: [Almost relieved] You killed him!

[the Smuntzes get covered in sewage in trying to suck up the mouse with a vacuum, only to get it attached to the sewage line. Meanwhile, they also receive a notice from the bank about the house being foreclosed]

Ernie: [seeing the notice] What's this?

The Banker: We're foreclosing on your house. You quit paying your mortgage.

Ernie: Oh, wait a minute, I think there's been some mistake. This house is paid for.

The Banker: No, it *was* paid for, but you borrowed against it. If you don't pay the $1,200 overdue, we repossess it.

Lars: [in disbelief] Twelve hundred dollars?

Ernie: How long do we have?

The Banker: One week from, uh, five days ago.

Ernie: [shocked] That's two days! Look, we don't have the time or the energy to deal with these petty problems now. We're in the midst of an extensive renovation.

The Banker: [noticing that they're covered in sewage] Looks like you're off to a great start.

Lars: Back off, fun pig! You wanna fun-fucking-arrest me? You better get a fun-fucking-warrant! Otherwise, stay outta my... fun-fucking-face!

Coconut Pete: I thought it was time to bring in the pro.

Sam, The Fun Police: Hank?

Coconut Pete: Yes, Hank. The head of security on all my tours.

Jenny: So, what? He keeps aging hippies from stealing the bong out of your tour bus?

Coconut Pete: It just so happens Hank used to be a federal agent. Yes, that's right. Headed a FBI task force on serial killers. Single-handedly caught the Minneapolis Mangler.

Lars: Who's the Minneapolis Mangler?

Hank: Exactly.

Dave: Pete, you are aware that I've personally served this guy twenty beers a day for the last ten years, right?

Hank: [shows a nasty scar on his side] Hey, I was in Nicaragua, junior! When you can stuff your intestines back in your pockets and walk twenty clicks to an aid station after a knife fight with guerilla drug lords, then you talk to me!

Lars: I guess now they'll kick me out of the Pacifists Club.

Jenny: Or just ask you nicely to leave.

Lars: Are you familiar with the expression "sitting duck"?

Juan: Uhh, no.

Lars: What happened to the Jacuzzi?

[after putting one of his patented massage moves on the killer]

Lars: He'll orgasm for another few minutes. Go!

Wendy: Why do you always have to smoke joints in *my* room?

Alessandro: Because it's comfortable.

Lars: It's the only clean place in the apartment.

[Tobias and Soledad laugh nervously, Wendy looks desperate]

Soledad: Take it easy, Wendy.

Lars: I'm having trouble with my pants. Whenever I put my hand in the pocket, I feel a little prick.

Marty: Now, why's he smilin'?

Lars: Let's crack open his head and find out.

[Will is having a nightmare]

Lars: He dreams of fire. They tied him to a stake, then burned his family while he watched. And then they placed a red-hot cross of iron across his face, because he would not repent.

Lilli: What was his crime?

Lars: He would not fight for their cause.

Lilli: Who were they?

Lars: Crusaders for the Church. Men of God.

[pause]

Lars: My face, it frightens you?

Lilli: Yes.

Lars: Scares me, too.

[last lines]

Lars: [to Matias] That's not a dog! Start the helicopter now!

[both get into helicopter]

Lars: Get it up now! Come on!

Lars: [In Norwegian] We found a fucking alien! Cheers!