Lance Sussman Quotes in Die, Mommie, Die! (2003)

Lance Sussman: [Lance, unexpectedly home from college, has hidden behind the stairs and jumps up and scares Angela] Arrrrh!

Angela Arden: Lance! You scared the bejesus out of me!

Lance Sussman: [Chuckling] Kiss me, you beautiful creature.

Lance Sussman: [Upon kissing Lance on the lips] Do I smell pot?

Lance Sussman: Gee, mom, you got me on that one.

Angela Arden: Listen, baby, I'm not one of your friends' square old ladies. I toured with a band. I'm quite familiar with reefer, and fully acquainted with its dangers.

Lance Sussman: You're the coolest mom ever!

Angela Arden: What are you doing home from school?

Lance Sussman: The anti-war demonstration... yeah! Students took over the president's office, they sent the rest of us kids home.

Angela Arden: [Somewhat skeptical] Oh, really?

Lance Sussman: My friend Ruth... gave the associate dean a saltwater enema.

Angela Arden: I need a drink.

Angela Arden: [Pouring drinks] Scotch for me, Pepsi for you.

Lance Sussman: Mom!

Angela Arden: Oh, I suppose a "splash" of bourbon won't kill ya'!

Lance Sussman: Buster, if you want any singin' outta me, you better haul out that bratwurst and spread some mustard on it.

Sol Sussman: [At the dinner table: Lance is toying with his soup, blowing on spoonfuls of it, but not actually eating it. Sol looks on, increasingly annoyed] Lance, just DRINK the goddamned soup!

Lance Sussman: Sorry, daddy.

Angela Arden: [Addressing Lance in a "secret language," apparently understood only by she and Lance. Subtitles provide the translation] I don't blame you. The soup stinks.

Lance Sussman: [Replying in the same "secret language"] It smell like dirty socks.

Angela Arden: [Again using the "secret language"] Bootsie cuts your dad's socks up and throws them in the soup.

Sol Sussman: [Angela and Lance chuckle over their secret joking. Sol, enraged, gets up and lunges at Lance] God DAMMIT! You eat normal, or we're gonna' shut you away in an institution!

Lance Sussman: No, daddy, don't...

Angela Arden: How dare you speak to your son like that!

Sol Sussman: I'm ashamed to have such a son.

Angela Arden: [Contemptuously] The "great man"! The "conscience" of the Industry! How about a little sympathy and tolerance for your own family?

Sol Sussman: I have NO sympathy for you, baby. And none for him, either.

[Sol glares pointedly at Lance]

Sol Sussman: My son, the Loser!

Lance Sussman: YOU'RE the Loser! The FLOP!

Angela Arden: [Enraged, Sol slaps Lance across the face and Lance gets up and runs out of the room. Angela gets up and looks after Lance in dismay] Lance...

Sol Sussman: [All the commotion has upset the family's twin Pekinese dogs, whose noisy barking can be heard in the background. This enrages Sol even more] Monsters! They get put to sleep tomorrow! Sit down, Angela... SIT DOWN!

Angela Arden: [Back at the house: Angela has just kicked Tony Parker out. Lance and Edith sit nearby] And that goes for all of you. I'm clearin' out the dead wood.

Angela Arden: [She pauses to pour herself a large tumbler of bourbon] This is as good a time as any to announce that I'm selling the house to the first bidder.

Edith Sussman: You wouldn't!

Angela Arden: Edith, I don't want to hear a word about it. I am sick and tired of living my life for others. This is a time for Angela Arden. This time it's for me, for Me, for ME!

Lance Sussman: But mother...

Angela Arden: [Ignoring Edith's and Lance's protests] I hate this house, I hate these walls, I hate that sofa... The only part of this dump that doesn't make me puke is that door, because that's the way I'm gettin' out.

Edith Sussman: You can't sell this house.

Angela Arden: I'm bringing down these walls around us. To quote the kids in the ghetto, "Burn, baby, burn!"

[She tosses her tumbler of bourbon into the fire: a large plume of fire flashes up]

Lance Sussman: [With Edith at a table in a diner] Edie, aren't you gonna' eat your cole slaw?

Edith Sussman: It's time you faced the truth: our mother murdered our father.

Lance Sussman: Hold the coleslaw...

Edith Sussman: She poisoned him.

Lance Sussman: He died of a heart attack.

Edith Sussman: Oh, many rich old men that die of heart attacks are really the victims of arsenic poisoning. Tony told me so.

Lance Sussman: When did he tell you that?

Edith Sussman: It doesn't matter.

Lance Sussman: Well, Bootsie told me she was with the coroner when he performed the autopsy. There was no trace of arsenic in his stomach.

Edith Sussman: What if mother was clever and found another way to slip him the arsenic? A method devised to bypass the digestive track?

Lance Sussman: I'm confused...

Edith Sussman: The night daddy died he was complaining of constipation. The doctor prescribed a powerful suppository. Suppose mother found a way of tampering with the laxative?

Edith Sussman: I don't believe it.

Edith Sussman: You are Sol Sussman's only son. It's up to you to avenge his death!

Lance Sussman: What do you want me to do?

Edith Sussman: Kill mother!

Lance Sussman: No!

[Lance jumps up and runs out]

Edith Sussman: [In a public bathroom: Lance has taken cover in one of the stalls, while Edith is in the outer part of the bathroom, trying to find him and talk to him] Lance, why can't you accept the fact that mother is a murderess and a whore?

Edith Sussman: [Apparently Edith has been talking to the wrong stall: an unknown man comes out, causing Edith to walk further down the row, looking underneath each stall for a sign of Lance] Lance... it's no use hiding from me OR the truth. Lance!

Lance Sussman: Leave me alone! I'm not listening to you.

Edith Sussman: You will listen!

Lance Sussman: Leave me alone. My head... it's pounding, pounding.

Edith Sussman: Yes, it's pounding. Sometimes it feels like there's an atom bomb inside your head that's waitin' to go "pow!"

Lance Sussman: Get OUT of here!

Edith Sussman: It's time you heard the truth. Daddy said it was the drugs. The pill-popping that mother did during the pregnancy that made you the way you are.

Lance Sussman: Leave me alone.

Edith Sussman: [Lance and Edith are now over at the sink area, where Lance splashes his face with water] There was something wrong with your brain. Made you a little "slow." Made it hard for you to understand things.

Lance Sussman: [Confused] What?

Edith Sussman: Don't you see? It's not your fault, it's HERS... because mom was so selfish and evil that she wouldn't give up her precious sleeping pills.

Edith Sussman: [Unknown man approaches sink area; Edith snarls at him] Fuck off!

Edith Sussman: Lance, she destroyed you. She turned your brains into mush. Into creamed spinach.

Lance Sussman: She didn't... It's not true! YOU'RE the bitch! YOU'RE the one I'd like to kill!

[Lance runs from the restroom]