Joseph Quotes in Assassin's Creed (2016)

Joseph: [to Callum Lynch] Your blood is not your own.

Joseph: The blood that flows through you is not your own. It belongs to the Creed.

Joseph: It's in your hands, Cal.

Maverick: Oh, you sure do pick the spots.

Joseph: Yeah, I know. You know the next time you people come and drive us off our land I'm gonna find a nice piece of swamp that's so God-awful, maybe then you'll leave us the hell alone.

The Archduke: What's greatest Western thrill of all?

Joseph: Kill Indians.

The Archduke: Kill Indians? Is it legal?

Joseph: Oh, white man been doing it for years.

Thomas Daggett: [thumbing through ancient Bible found on the dead John Doe] Cute.

Joseph: What is it?

Thomas Daggett: Twenty-third chapter of Saint John's Revelations.

Joseph: And?

Thomas Daggett: There is no twenty-third chapter.

Joseph: Well, maybe this is the Teacher's Edition.

Joseph: And this is for you. He's also a hermaphrodite.

[lifts the sheet covering the corpse so Thomas can see]

Joseph: He's got both male and female sex organs.

Thomas Daggett: Think of the possibilities!

Joseph: Yeah, you can be impotent and frigid all at the same time.

Joseph: [Announcing the new opponent] Let us look at an initiate who could be the daughter of Sacmius herself. The violence she has endured, the pain she has suffered, Sabrina, the one to watch. Who could have expected the sheer efficiency of her most recent kill? It is to be expected; to be honored. Let us guide Sabrina into her final battle facing one who we have freshly reaped! Yes, a replacement. Now, its true the final fight against a newly-plucked initiate is unprecedented, but no more surprising than the worthiness of this new adversary. Isabelle Toss, a former collegiate athlete, who earned a full athletic scholarship to Northwestern. Now she spends her time operating a gym that she owns with her husband, and trains in Brazilian jiu jitsu. Exciting! The victor of this singular contest will be our champion!

Sabrina: I'm Sabrina.

Isabelle: Figured.

Neighbor: You're not watching the soldiers, Joseph?

Joseph: We've seen Romans before.

Neighbor: Yes. And we will see them again.

[the neighbor examines some boards which have not been assembled]

Neighbor: My table is not finished. Where is your son?

Joseph: He's walking in the hills.

Neighbor: [disapproving] Mm-hm. He neglects his work, Joseph.

Joseph: No. Once I reproached him with forgetting his work. He said to me, "I must be about my Father's business."

Neighbor: Then why isn't he here, working?

Joseph: [smiling] He's working.

Heathcliff: Joseph, what have you heard?

Joseph: Been sick. She's up now. With child. Seven month.

Heathcliff: And how is Edgar taken that?

Joseph: He's waiting to the colour of its eyes.

Lucius: [Arriving at Jesus' home in Nazareth on horseback with another Roman soldier and greeting the Holy Family] Do not fear. We're simply checking the census against the tax rolls.

[Reading from a scroll]

Lucius: Now, you are... Joseph. And you live here with your wife Mary.

Joseph: That is so.

Lucius: [Pointing to Jesus] Who's this boy?

Virgin Mary: My son, Jesus.

Lucius: [Looking at the scroll again] I have no record of His birth. When was He born?

Virgin Mary: Twelve years ago.

Lucius: Where?

Virgin Mary: In Bethlehem.

[Jesus walks away]

Lucius: [Realizing Jesus must have survived the killing of the young boys in Bethlehem which he commanded on Herod's orders 12 years before, and after a long, tense pause] Bethlehem.

[Mary nods "yes"]

Lucius: [to the other Roman soldier, who then rides away] Count those in the next house.

[to Mary]

Lucius: See that the boy is registered before the year is out.

[Lucius himself rides away, after which Joseph and Mary look at each other with relief]

Sannie Laing: Anything else for you Joseph?

Joseph: I need a new wife. This one she is too expensive.

Joseph: Cram it, failure!

Hipolito, The Writer: Failed writer, failed life... I love the word "fail." Failure is human destiny.

Joseph: It's gasbag time!

Hipolito, The Writer: Failure teaches us that life is but a draft, a long rehearsal for a show that will never play.

Joseph: I bet he stole that.

Hipolito, The Writer: I do have some original ideas, but people always steal them.

Hipolito, The Writer: Same as your women.

Joseph: Meaning?

Hipolito, The Writer: You'd better get used to it.

Joseph: You're gorgeous when you blush. Like a wild flower.

Georgette: [shaking head] It's my dyspepsia.

Joseph: [to Hipolito] Cram it, failure!

Alf: Here! Who's there?

Ted: That's not Winston!

Alf: Look! There!

Joseph: Mary, mother of God!

Joseph: [to Phoebe] Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina.

Phoebe: [to Kimble] Well, I see you've covered the basics.

Joseph: Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.

Detective John Kimble: Thanks for the tip.

Joseph: My dad's a gynecologist. He looks at vaginas all day long.

[during the outtakes]

Luke: I had a job for a minute as one of those sign spinners.

Joseph: Like in one of those sandwich places?

Luke: Yeah, but I plugged it in, put some Christmas lights in it, tried to get paid extra... strangled my penis.

Joseph: Strangled your penis? How does that happen?

Luke: You can strangle your penis.

Joseph: Were you doing that flip behind your back and came up around your taint?

Luke: My penis was in a rear, naked choke.

Joseph: What kind of workman's comp do you get for that?

Luke: You just get fired...

[they start laughing]

Joseph: You and I had a deal, didn't we? Seems to me you're not holding up your end of the bargain, though, you copy me? Clarke? Do you copy me? You know what that makes you? It makes you a welcher. The only thing worse than being a gay is being a welcher.

Clarke: I'm not no gay.

Joseph: Yeah, who am I supposed to believe? A 15-year-old welcher, or a qualified medical physician?

Clarke: He's a chiropractor.

Joseph: He's got experience.

Officer Perry: Breaking and entering, was that really necessary? I mean, couldn't you have just called? That would've been the neighborly thing to do.

Joseph: I got an at-risk kid. And he is at risk.

Joseph: Why would anyone eat a baby? Just a little baby. A little baby lamb.

Joseph: What's going on? Whose dog is this?

Grace: Mom's. She saved his life.

Beth: He's not mine. I'm just gonna find him a home.

Joseph: Why is he here?

Beth: I just couldn't let them take him to the pound. So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna call a few rescue societies tomorrow and somebody's gonna want him.

Joseph: Yeah, but not us, right? We're not getting a dog, right?

Grace: I think you should keep him. I'll help.

Joseph: You're at school. She's not gonna come back every morning and walk the dog and neither am I.

Beth: I wouldn't mind doing that.

Joseph: Beth, I don't want a dog.

Beth: I told you, I'm gonna find him a home.

Joseph: Yeah, I know you.

Beth: And what's that supposed to mean?

Grace: That was Dr. Bhoola.

Joseph: Who?

Grace: The veterinarian. He's gonna stop by.

Beth: What is he... He's coming here now?

Grace: Yeah, he has some medicine or something. I'm gonna use your shower 'cause it's filthy in here.

Joseph: The veterinarian makes house calls?

Beth: He's very attractive.

Beth: I'm not talking about Doctors, I'm talking about you.

Joseph: Have I ever put my work before you or the girls?

[pause]

Joseph: Ok, sometimes. When I'm doing surgery on someone's spine to relieve them of a life of pain, I have put my work first! The girls always understood and they never complained.

Beth: Were we living in the same house?

[first lines]

Patient: This is the best my back has felt in three years. Joseph, you're a genius.

Joseph: That's my job. I'm a surgeon. But I'm no genius.

Joseph: We haven't lost a person. We lost a dog.

Beth: Love is love. It doesn't matter if it's a dog.

Joseph: This is - this is a difficult time for you; for both of us. And especially for a woman, there are physical changes that affect everything.

Beth: Oh, tell me about being a woman.

Joseph: I think that the anger you're feeling is not about me. It's hormonal.

Beth: No. It's not menopause. It actually is about you.

Beth: Ellie called. They got your mother on her plane. And you know what Ethan asked about you? You know what he said? He's so cute. He said 'Where's pee pee?'

[Beth and Joseph laugh]

Beth: Honey, what are we gonna do about the Partridge and the Plough?

Joseph: What are we gonna do about Russell? Has Freeway been in here?

Beth: Huh? I thought he was with you.

Joseph: He was but he took off on me.

Beth: What? Wait a minute. Where's the dog?

Joseph: I told you, he took off.

Beth: When was this?

Joseph: 'Bout 20 minutes ago. He chased a deer and wouldn't come back.

Beth: Did you use the whistle?

Joseph: I whistled. I didn't have the whistle per say.

Beth: You were on the phone, right? Hmm?

Joseph: It was an emergency. He's probably right outside.

Carmen: When I realized Django was my spirit-mate, the animal world became so visible to me.

Joseph: As opposed to the vegetable and mineral worlds?

Penny: Now, who's' Django?

Bryan: Oh, that was Carmen's dog. He lived to be 24.

Penny: Oh.

Carmen: It was then that the gift blossomed in me. My third eye truly opened. What Django felt, I felt. I traveled through the world with him, seeing what he saw.

Russell: And what did he see?

Carmen: He saw things for what they are. He was connected to the prana.

Joseph: Oh, the prana.

Penny: Shut up, Joseph. You're such a tight ass. Do you have to be so one-dimensional?

Joseph: Excuse me for living in this dimension.

Beth: Carmen, do you see him? Is he alright?

Joseph: Beth, are you kidding me?

Beth: Can you see what he sees?

Carmen: Yes.

Russell: What do you see?

Carmen: I see trees and the shed with construction equipment in it and mountains.

Joseph: Wow. That really pinpoints it.

Joseph: [on the phone] Tell me about Bora Bora.

Grace: Amazing. You gotta come here someday. Dad, Sam and I can't stop talking about the wedding. It was just what we hoped. And I know you didn't want Freeway in the ceremony, but you have to admit it was sweet.

Joseph: [Last lines]

[answers his phone]

Joseph: Gracie?

Grace: Dad. Are you guys still up on the mountains? What's going on?

Joseph: Oh, well, we were having so much fun.

Grace: I'm so glad you guys took a few days to unwind. We've been having the best time. I love being married. Oh and dad, how's Freeway?

Joseph: Freeway? Freeway's fine.

Joseph: We came here to rob them and that's what we're gonna do - beat their heads in, gouge their eyes out, slash their throats. Soon as we wash the dishes.

Albert: What if she knows his handwriting?

Joseph: If you got a beautiful note like this, would you bother comparing signatures?

Albert: No. It'd have to be signed by a girl, though.

Jules: Tell him there's a deadly poisonous snake inside of the cage. Tell him.

Joseph: [Joseph eaves the room. Re-enters a few seconds later]

Jules: You didn't tell him?

Joseph: [after a pause] He knows already.

Albert: I read someplace that when a lady faints, you should loosen her clothing.

Joseph: [Sarcastically] It's that kind of reading that got you into trouble.

[Joseph brings Andre a spiny pineapple on a plate to eat with no utensils]

Andre Trochard: Knife! Fork! How am I supposed to eat that?

Joseph: [matter-of-factly] You eat it like an apple.

[Joseph gives him a look like this is common knowledge]

Joseph: I'll say one thing about prison. You meet a better class of people.

Joseph: That's the way it is, "in the midst of life," et cetera, et cetera, I forget the rest of it.

Joseph: In the immortal words of somebody or other, "Well done, Adolphe."

Joseph: If you don't mind my saying so, Albert, he's got it all over you.

Albert: Even the girl herself called us angels.

Joseph: We're no angels.

Joseph: I'm going to buy them their Christmas turkey.

Albert: "Buy"? Do you really mean "buy"?

Joseph: Yes, buy! In the Spirit of Christmas. The hard part's going to be stealing the money to pay for it.

Joseph: [Referring to the Ducotels] People like that - how can you cut their throats?

Albert: [Dryly] It isn't easy.

Amelie Ducotel: I'd like to talk to you if can spare a few minutes.

Joseph: A man sentenced to life can always spare a few minutes.

Amelie Ducotel: It's you?

Joseph: How could I be anybody else?

Albert: Now I've really lost her.

Joseph: You never really had her.

Jules: It isn't fair. Here we are, three desperate criminals who'll stop at nothing to escape from Devil's Island, and we have to fall in with nice people.

Joseph: You guys act like you don't wanna cut their throats.

Andre Trochard: You men are murderers.

Joseph: Not me. I'm a maniac.

Jules: The defense... rests. How's that for a defense?

Joseph: It reminds me of my lawyer.

Joseph: Jules, you rush in and tell him before it's too late. Tell him there's a snake in that box.

Jules: He won't believe me. He doesn't like me.

Joseph: Albert, maybe you ought to run in and warn him.

Albert: Why don't we cut cards for it?

Joseph: Good idea. I'll get the cards.

[Long pause as he slowly saunters over to get a deck of cards and returns]

Joseph: Who cuts first?

Amelie Ducotel: I can't believe it - Andre dead.

Joseph: It happens to everybody.

Joseph: It's true. He died in his sleep.

Felix Ducotel: That was very considerate of him.

Amelie Ducotel: I don't know what to do.

Felix Ducotel: The first thing to do is make sure that he's dead. I don't trust him.

[first lines]

Céléstine: Are you from the priory?

Joseph: Yes.

Céléstine: Is it far?

Joseph: You'll see.

Joseph: You think when you reach a certain age things will start making sense, and you find out that you are just as lost as you were before. I suppose that's what damnation is. The pieces of your life never to come together, just splashed out there.

Joseph: Remember the story I used to tell you when you were a boy, about a young prince, sent by his father, the king of the east, to find a pearl?

Joseph: He has no clue how to make something happen. He's living in a land where he's pretending to be something instead of doing the job. And that's the real problem. I'm the one who should be respected, but obviously not.

Joseph: How do we explain God to his own son? I can't. Can you?

Mary: [to Jesus who has just walked in] You're a child that needs a meal and a nap.

Joseph: I know you have many questions. But you need to let them sleep in your heart for now. Why? Because your questions are the questions of a child. But the answers are the answers for a man. That is one bridge I cannot build. I don't know how. But God can, and we must trust him.

Jesus: I do. I trust him for everything.

Joseph: She's your family, Katherine. She's your flesh and blood. She's not some enemy you have to defeat.

Joseph: Don't be so pious! He's a Jew!

Joseph: Stop acting so pious. There's a war going on, kid.

Hannah: I prayed for you last night.

Joseph: Yeah, well, it didn't fucking work.

Hannah: I think it did.

Joseph: Don't think he heard you, love.

Hannah: Why did you come here?

Joseph: I was just passing.

Hannah: There must be a reason. Do you want God to forgive you for something?

Joseph: I don't want anything from that fuck.

Hannah: God loves you.

Joseph: Does he now?

Hannah: You're a child of God.

Joseph: God ain't my fucking daddy. My daddy was a cunt, but he knew he was a cunt. God still thinks he's God. Nobody's told him otherwise.

Hannah: Why are you so angry at God?

Joseph: Why are you so fucking stupid?

Joseph: I've met people like you all my fucking life. Goodie goodies. Make a charity record. Bake a cake. Save a fucking soul! You've never eaten shit. Don't know what it's like out there.

Hannah: Why Tyrannosaur?

Joseph: What?

Hannah: You said something about your wife Tyrannosaurus or something?

Joseph: What's Tyrannosaurus about? Yeah

[nods head]

Joseph: It was a joke name... In Jurassic Park you know the movie, there's a scene where the kids are scared, they're looking out the glass and they hear the Tyrannosaur coming. As it thumps its way towards them

[thump, thump, thump]

Joseph: the glass starts to ripple... So

[sighs]

Joseph: my wife was a big lady, and you'd hear her going up the stairs and it was like

[thump, thump, thump]

Joseph: I swear if I had a cup of tea on the sideboard you'd see the same ripples in my tea. So I called her the Tyrannosaur.

[bows head and looks away]

Joseph: I was being a cunt.

[last lines]

Joseph: Dear Hannah. It's taken me a while to put this together. I'm not so great at writing letters, but i wanted to get in touch with you, to see how you were. It's been over a year since i last wrote to you.Life's been mad for me in the past twelve months. I've been awful sick for a number of reasons. My little buddy Sam got attacked by that dog. That fucking scumbag cunt of a fella who was seeing to his mother got the doggy wound-up so much that it just turned on the nearest thing and attacked. It happened to be my buddy's face. The fucking thing nearly got chewed off. It made me upset. I could see it coming. The way he was treating that dog. An animal can only take so much punishment and humiliation before it snaps. Fights back. That's its nature, you know? I felt responsible for the boy. I should of stepped in earlier. The whole event sent me a bit ga-ga. My head just went. That's the second doggy i've killed. I'm not proud because i love dogs but it had to be done to even things up in my mind a bit. I think i went native. That's what my cellmate told me, i went native. I thought that sounded about right somehow. I'm not proud of any of it. But it had to be done. So i did a bit of time for it. I got a load of letters from people who said well done! Good on 'ye! I'd of done the same thing! But nobody ever does. They all think it, but i do it . That's the difference between me and you and the rest of the world. When i got out i thought i'd make a new start, so i moved to a different area. I don't do the drink like i used to. i decided enough was enough. I prayed for you the other day. It's not something i do, but i found i was talking to myself and saying a prayer. I don't even believe in all that shite, as you well know. There's things i want you to know. I know you asked me once about why i went in the shop but i never told you.I didn't go in there looking for God. I just went there because apart from Sam, you were the only fucker that smiled at me around here. And i wanted it. I wanted it to soak into me and brighten me up. I thought you were beautiful. I just wanted to look at you. That's all. Didn't want to know you, because i knew that if i got to know you, you'd have your own shite, you wouldn't be perfect and i didn't want that feeling ruined. I'm signing off now. My address is on this letter so you can write to me if you feel like it. No pressure. Just give me a sign to tell me you are well. Your friend. Joseph.

Hannah: God loves you. You're God's child.

Joseph: God ain't my fucking daddy, my daddy was a cunt. He knew he was a cunt. God still thinks he's God. No-one's told him otherwise.

Hannah: I feel safe with you.

Joseph: Nobody's safe with me.

Joseph: What happened to you?

Hannah: I fell over.

Hannah: What's your name?

Joseph: Robert De Niro.

Hannah: Would you like a cup of tea, Robert?

Joseph: Fuck off!

Erik Destler: So your bubbling was the work of the opera ghost?

Joseph: No it was an accident.

Erik Destler: But you blamed me!

Joseph: It won't happen again.

Erik Destler: No it won't. Your suspended!

Joseph: We live in joyless times, and it's also our fault. We must think carefully. And make radical, irrevocable decisions. How to answer a government for whom we are just an abstract idea? We must create a real threat, we must intervene. Another war is upon us, different from the last two. It will be a series of civil wars in each country. It will be fought with possibilities. We shall use a new, radical language. We shall be impenetrable. No more strikes, demonstrations, nor counter proposals but no more acceptance either.Only silence as the ultimate opposition. Be mute.

Joseph: If I claim this child as mine, it will be lying. I would have broken a law laid down by God.

Mary: I would never ask you to lie.

Joseph: If I say this child is not mine, they will ask what I'm going to do. If I accuse you...

Mary: There is a will for this child greater than my fear of what they may do.

Joseph: "And you shall call his name Jesus, for it is he who will save his people from their sins." I know. Mary, God showed me. An angel came to me in my dream.

Mary: You believe me?

Joseph: I believe you. The child will need a father. I will declare him as my own.

Mary: People will not look at you the same. They will not look at us the same.

Joseph: You are my wife. I am your husband. That is all anyone need know.

Mary: You've never really told me of your dream.

Joseph: My dream?

[pause, he is teasing her and also contemplating his response]

Joseph: No.

Mary: Please, tell me.

Joseph: An angel came to me. He told me the child within you had been conceived by the Holy Spirit and that I should not be afraid.

Mary: Are you afraid?

Joseph: Yes.

[laughing]

Joseph: Are you?

Mary: Yes. Do you ever wonder when we'll know?

Joseph: Know what?

Mary: When he is more than just a child. Will it be something he says? A look in his eyes?

Joseph: I wonder if I will even be able to teach him anything.

Mary: You believe me?

Joseph: Yes, the angel came to me in my dream.

Mary: How do we raise such a child?

Joseph: I wonder if I will even be able to teach Him anything.

[a man tries to steal their money]

Joseph: What comes with us, stays with us.

Joseph: [Villagers are glaring and glancing sullenly at them as they leave] They're going to miss us.

Joseph: [irritated by Msgr. Mealey's racist remarks] Father, may I say something sinful?

Father Francis Chisholm: Of course not.

Joseph: You will hear it in confession anyway, because I'm thinking it.

[last lines]

Joseph: Tom. Oh Tom.

Joseph: Tom, I love you you son of a bitch. Try to understand if you can.

Thomas Hudson: I am trying, Joseph.

Joseph: Oh hell. You never understand about anybody that loves you.

Joseph: Tom, will the boys go to this war?

Thomas Hudson: Tommy will be 19 next month.

Joseph: I will pray for short war.

Thomas Hudson: Do it often.

Joseph: Tom, don't you die!

Thomas Hudson: Not me, Joseph. Not me.

Dr. Paul Renault: Oh, what is wrong, what is wrong? How can the natives do with their silly voodoo what I cannot accomplish by scientific means?

Joseph: Perhaps because a zombie is something of the devil, not of science, Professor.

Dr. Paul Renault: Nonsense. Nonsense! You have seen what I am able to do; you have seen me create a zombie. If only I could keep them in that state. If only they didn't die; return to normal in a short period...

Joseph: It seems a waste to make a beautiful girl a zombie.

Dr. Paul Renault: She'll be just as nice to look at... and if this formula works, her beauty will be preserved indefinitely.

Joseph: I know you kill people to sell bodies.

Cabman John Gray: You say you came here of your own account. No-one sent you, no-one knows you're here?

Joseph: Give me money or I tell the police that you murder the subjects.

Cabman John Gray: Well, Joseph, you shall have money, why should you not? I don't suppose the great Dr MacFarlane is over lavish with his pay?

Joseph: No.

[first lines]

Isaac: Oh my God, what happened here?

Joseph: What I feared most. Return to the main camp, warn the others. We are all in danger now.

Joseph: [now to himself] Hell's gate has been opened now. This mountain will now trembled beneath the Devil's tread. And the rocks will forever echo his roar.

Joseph: I'm the future of the world, only the world don't know it yet...

Joseph: Where I come from, we don't have boogeymens, we only have goblins.

Emma: I see you met my fiancé.

Joseph: He's a keeper. Don't let him get away.

Emma: Huh. What have you two been talking about?

Joseph, Daniel: Nothing.

Joseph: [as Emma and Daniel prepare to leave] So, are you two traveling around Ireland or are you going straight back to the States?

Daniel: No, we're gonna spend the night in Dublin and then fly out in the morning.

Joseph: I have to admit, I'm gonna miss you, girl. You made life around the village interesting.

Charlie: So I lied, that only makes us even. I don't see what it has to do with my politics.

Joseph: Possibly they're as much a lie as your past.

Joseph: What have you done really? Gotten yourself filmed in one demonstration or another in Trafalgar square? You even made the evening news when you sat on a road in front of a bus and read aloud from Che Guevara. Tell us what you've done besides talk. Not a thing.