Isaac Quotes in Lies & Illusions (2009)

Wes Wilson: I'll put in my next book. How does that sound?

Isaac: Like having my balls licked by a porcupine.

Isaac: Where are my diamonds, Alicia? Maybe I didn't explain to you our retirement policy... there isn't one.

Wes Wilson: Hey, what the hell is this?

Isaac: Mr. Boone will accompany you inside.

Wes Wilson: Why?

Isaac: Insurance, Mr. Wilson.

Wes Wilson: The girl isn't enough?

Isaac: They rarely are.

Isaac: I know my diamonds are nearby. Shall we go get them? And no, that is not a question.

Samantha: I need him to get the package.

Isaac: [whispers] So many problems and distractions.

Oh: [Zed and Oh are fleeing Abraham's camp to avoid being circumcised] Do you have any idea where we're going?

Zed: Yup, we're going to Sodom. We have to save Maya and Eema.

Oh: [referring to Abraham] But he said that God was gonna smite Sodom with holy fire.

Zed: Yeah? God also told him to chop off the tip of his dick.

Isaac: [screaming in the distance] Dad, no! No!

Oh: So listen, I've been thinking, what constitutes the tip of the penis? Because his definition might not be the same as mine. Like, what if the tip is your favorite part?

Zed: The tip is your *only* part.

[Isaac is running out of the church after vomiting]

Isaac: WE DID NOT KILL JESUS! WE DID NOT KILL JESUS!

Isaac: [when he gets a World's Smallest Cock mug] You knew!

Betsy: You have been such a ROCK throughout this whole pregnancy. You are like my DWAYNE JOHNSON.

Isaac: Thank you!

James Franco: [texting] You said you've never sucked a dick before. But tonight you're gonna.

Isaac: [thinking] Man I guess that settles it. Isaac Greenberg is sucking his first dick tonight!

Isaac: This is who I am. And whether you believe it or not, I'm gonna be like this tomorrow.

Jimmy: Let me tell you somethin'... you will *never* own a Black barbershop!

Isaac: I will if I want to.

Terri: If Tony Roma can make ribs better than Black people, Isaac can own a Black barbershop...

Calvin: Wait a minute..."ribs better than Black people?"

Jimmy: Tony Roma boils his ribs! That is *not* authentic!

Dinka: Tony Roma is delicious! I don't see White or Black... I just see red sauce on everyt'ing!

Isaac: I'm calling the police. You two have been stealing - from my uncle.

Manley: No... The girls had nothing to do with it.

[looks at Antonio]

Manley: It was Antonio.

Isaac: Antonio...

Antonio: Isaac, our plan could still work! It could be our words against theirs. Her fingerprints are still on the safe, man!

Isaac: I don't know what you're talking about! What plan? I'm calling the police...

Hazel Grace Lancaster: [about egg throwing] Guys, I think we should wait until dark.

Augustus Waters: It's all dark to Isaac.

Isaac: Dude, I'm not deaf, I'm just blind, so I can hear when you make fun of my disability.

Isaac: I don't want to see a world without Augustus Waters in it.

Augustus Waters: Hello, are you Monica's mother?

Monica's Mom: I am...

Augustus Waters: Hello, ma'am. Your daughter, she's done a great injustice, so we've come here seeking revenge. You see, we may not look like much, but between the three of us we have five legs, four eyes and two and a half pairs of working lungs, but we also have two dozen eggs, so if I were you, I would go back inside.

[Monica's mother looks freaked and goes back inside]

Isaac: Did... That actually worked?

Augustus Waters: Yep.

Isaac: That was the stupidest speech I've ever... That actually worked?

Isaac: Augustus Waters was a cocky son of a bitch. But we forgive him. Not because of his super-human good looks or because he only got 19 years when he should have gotten way more.

Augustus Waters: 18 years, buddy.

Isaac: Dude, come on, really? I'm assuming you have a little time, you interrupting bastard. You interrupt in the middle of my eulogy... You're supposed to be dead! But when the scientists of the future come to my house with robot eyes and they tell me to try them on, I will tell those scientists to piss off 'cause, Gus, I don't want to see a world without you in it. I know I don't want to see a world without Augustus Waters.

[from trailer]

Isaac: You know Gus talks about you all the time

Hazel Grace Lancaster: We're just friends

Isaac: She said she wanted to break up with me before the surgery, 'cause she couldn't handle it. I'm about to lose my eyesight and SHE can't handle it. I kept saying "always" to her, you know, like always. And she kept talking over me and not saying it back, and that was... It was like I was gone already, you know? And...

Hazel Grace Lancaster: Yeah, sometimes people don't understand the promises that they're making when they make them.

Isaac: I know, but... I just feel like such a loser, and I still have her necklace.

Hazel Grace Lancaster: Take it off.

Augustus Waters: Dude, take that off!

[Isaac pulls it off and breaks the chain]

Hazel Grace Lancaster: Yeah!

[Isaac throws it away]

Augustus Waters: Here we go, man. Here we go.

Isaac: I just wanna kick something.

[stands up and starts kicking the TV]

Augustus Waters: Don't hit that, don't hit that! Dude. Uh...

[he finds a pillow and gives it to Isaac]

Augustus Waters: Hit this.

Isaac: Sorry.

[starts hitting the pillow violently]

Patrick: Your turn, Gus.

Augustus Waters: Yeah, sure. I'm, uh, I'm Augustus Waters. I'm 18 years old. I had a touch of osteosarcoma about a year and a half ago. And I lost this baby as a result.

[pulls up his right trouser leg to reveal a prosthetic leg]

Augustus Waters: And now I'm part cyborg, which is awesome. But really I'm just here at Isaac's request.

Isaac: Yeah.

Patrick: And how are you feeling, Gus?

Augustus Waters: I'm grand! Yeah. I'm on a rollercoaster that only goes up, my friend.

Piper: I keep thinking about mom.

Isaac: Mom's in Switzerland. Nothing ever happens in Switzerland.

Isaac: If you want, I can make you a sandwich. We've got some really nice cheese.

Daisy: No, I don't do wheat or cow cheese.

Isaac: Why don't you eat "cow cheese"?

Daisy: Because it's basically solidified cow mucus. It stays in your gut for like five years.

Isaac: Hey we're gonna go swimming before Sally gets here and makes us eat vegetables. Wanna come?

Daisy: I don't swim.

Isaac: It's like a really special place, you'll love it. Last chance to have some fun before the fascist regime.

Daisy: Uh huh. Maybe next time.

Isaac: Okay.

[last lines]

Josh: [posing for group picture] Alright, posture everyone.

Kate: [holding the camera] Uh, I'm going to need you to get a lot closer together than that.

Sarah: Okay.

Ben: Come on, come on.

[arm around Alex]

Josh: Alright. I'm going to pose a quick idea, you guys. Maybe next time we do this, it's a happy occasion.

Alex: Is there going to be a next time?

Isaac: Uh oh.

Sarah: Alex...

Kate: Okay. One, two...

Isaac: So, what are we making, Sarah?

Sarah: We are making chilled watermelon soup and sea scallop risotto.

Josh: What? What are we making again?

Sarah: I'm sorry, can you do something helpful?

Josh: Did you say risotto?

Sarah: Can you please do something helpful?

Josh: The joint is not going to roll itself, Sarah. And I am making a magical appetizer dish that is going to make your risotto taste so much better.

[first lines]

Night Editor: [entering] Ben. Your page's set?

Ben: Mm, yep. Almost.

[looking at picture]

Ben: Jesus, Alex.

[answering the phone]

Ben: Hello? Yes, this is him, but I'm at work. So...

Josh: [now answering his phone] Used to have a freshman roommate named "Ben", but that ass-wad hasn't called me in ages. What?

Sarah: [on her phone] And no one was there? He was... Alone? Yeah, of course he was alone. That was stupid. Yeah, I can probably get up in a couple hours. I just need a little bit of time to get out of here.

[more work gets set on her desk]

Isaac: [walking while on his phone] Well, he's gonna be okay. That's the most important thing. Okay.

[checking incoming call]

Isaac: I gotta take this. Hang on a sec... Babe? Yeah, I'm fine. Just got to the office - I'm gonna leave from there.

Isaac: You ready to meet my parents?

Kate: I don't think so.

Isaac: I don't blame you. They're fucking crazy.

Isaac: [as Abraham is preparing to kill him as a sacrifice] There is nothing that He may not ask of thee?

Abraham: Nothing.

Mark: Isaac... Isaac, you're ripping the whole book.

Isaac: Yeah.

Isaac: Who's gonna have that pie?

Lydia: I don't know. I wanna eat it. I think I'm gonna have it.

Isaac: These are drawings.

[Everybody laughs]

Edward Young: You can't kill a man who's already dead.

Isaac: I kill lots of men who are already dead!

[Isaac has been sacrificed to He Who Walks Behind the Rows, who has sent him back again]

Isaac: Malachai! He wants you too, Malachai. He wants you too!

Isaac: Behold, a dream did come to me, and the Lord did show all of this to me.

Corn-Children: Praise God! Praise the Lord!

Isaac: A time of tribulation has come. A test is at hand... the final test.

Malachai: What has the Lord commanded?

Isaac: In my dream the Lord did come to me, and He was a shape. It was He Who Walks Behind the Rows. And I did fall on my knees in terror, and hide my eyes, lest the fierceness of His face strike me dead! He told me all that has since happened; He said, "Joseph has taken his things and fled this happy place, because the worship of Me is no more upon him. So take you his life, and spill his blood, like water upon the earth! But let not the flesh pollute the corn; cast him instead upon the road!

Malachai: And so it was done. Joseph the Betrayer was cast out!

Isaac: And He Who Walks Behind The Rows did say, "I will send outlanders amongst you: a man and a woman. And these outlanders will be unbelievers and profaners of the holy. And the man will sorely test you, for he has great power, even greater than that of the Blue Man!

Corn-Children: The Blue Man! Yes, the Blue Man!

Isaac: And just as he was offered up unto Him, so shall be the unbelievers!

Malachai: Make sacrifice unto Him! Bring Him the blood of the outlanders!

Corn-Children: Praise God; praise the Lord! Praise God! Praise the Lord...!

Isaac: [Malachai rebels against Isaac before their fellow Corn-Children] Don't just stand there! Seize him! Punish him! The Lord has chosen me as the bringer of His word and the giver of His laws! Disobedience to me is disobedience to Him! Do it now, or your punishment shall be a thousand deaths, each more horrible than the last!

Malachai: They are tired of your talk, Isaac. I've shown them what I can do.

[to the other Corn-Kids]

Malachai: Cut the woman down. Put Isaac in her place.

[to Isaac]

Malachai: We shall see how the Lord favors you.

Isaac: [to Sarah] ... You have the Gift of Sight. This is a blessing, my child.

Malachai: I have seen this car upon the road.

Isaac: Go to the old man. Make sure he tells them nothing.

Malachai: What about these two?

Isaac: Take them back where they were.

Malachai: But they had a game and music; they're forbidden!

Isaac: Question me not, Malachai! I act according to His will.

[first lines]

Isaac: Oh my God, what happened here?

Joseph: What I feared most. Return to the main camp, warn the others. We are all in danger now.

Joseph: [now to himself] Hell's gate has been opened now. This mountain will now trembled beneath the Devil's tread. And the rocks will forever echo his roar.

Isaac: See, Drew, that's what happens with non-linear chicks. You get shit for stuff you didn't even do yet.

Isaac: Watching fusion is like catching God fucking.

Isaac: We don't have much time.

Tucker: What do you mean?

Isaac: Think of nonlinear time as a pie. We can eat the pieces in any order, but you can't eat the same slice twice. And baby, I've eaten a lot of pie.

Isaac: If you're wondering, yes, I can have sex. I just can't catch a cab.

[first lines]

Isaac: I don't remember *any* of what I'm about to tell you. I only know what the police and coroner's report said. But on the morning of April 5th, 1989, a high-speed car crash occurred, on a rural highway in upstate New York. There were 2 fatalities: my mother died on impact, my father died of hemorrhaging from a torn pulmonary vein and massive internal injuries. I'm listed as a male survivor, approximately 8 years of age. We were going down a road. Nobody had said much of anything yet. The road was supposed to have been longer...

Isaac: I had always gotten stares. You know, the ones people give you, or avoid giving you. But once in a while, wheeling in and out of the curve of people, I'd catch someone looking at me. And I'd see something else in their eyes - jealousy. They were jealous of me, jealous that I got to *sit down* and they didn't. Does that sound crazy to you?

Isaac: Welcome to hell. I'll introduce you to the staff.

Fiona: People who get off on braces and wheel chairs are called devotés. They're a joke, they're the bottom rung. Above them are the pretenders. They wear the braces, they push the wheels, but they don't *belong* to their chairs. Still, if they want to fantasize, that's their choice. Then there are the wannabes. You saw how crazy they are.

Isaac: What makes you different than a wannabe or a pretender?

Fiona: I'm a unique case. I don't want to be paralyzed.

Isaac: You don't?

Fiona: I am already paralyzed. I'm just trapped in a walking person's body...

Isaac: Should I call 911? But then what would I say, "come quickly I'm being healed"?

Isaac: Did you ever sneeze and feel like it was a second chance?

Fiona: [about his shoes] What does it feel like when you take them off.

Isaac: Like you've just taken a deep breath, but before you can exhale somebody steals it away.