Hubert Hawkins Quotes in The Court Jester (1955)

King Roderick: The Duke. What did the Duke do?

Hubert Hawkins: Eh... the Duke do?

King Roderick: Yes. And what about the Doge?

Hubert Hawkins: Oh, the Doge!

King Roderick: Eh. Well what did the Doge do?

Hubert Hawkins: The Doge do?

King Roderick: Yes, the Doge do.

Hubert Hawkins: Well, uh, the Doge did what the Doge does. Eh, uh, when the Doge does his duty to the Duke, that is.

King Roderick: What? What's that?

Hubert Hawkins: Oh, it's very simple, sire. When the Doge did his duty and the Duke didn't, that's when the Duchess did the dirt to the Duke with the Doge.

King Roderick: Who did what to what?

Hubert Hawkins: Oh, they all did, sire. There they were in the dark; the Duke with his dagger, the Doge with his dart, Duchess with her dirk.

King Roderick: Duchess with her dirk?

Hubert Hawkins: Yes! The Duchess dove at the Duke just when the Duke dove at the Doge. Now the Duke ducked, the Doge dodged, and the Duchess didn't. So the Duke got the Duchess, the Duchess got the Doge, and the Doge got the Duke!

King Roderick: Curious. I... I... hm? What? What's that? All I heard was that the Duchess had a siege of rheumatism. She's 83, you know.

Hubert Hawkins: [disguised as an old man] Have you seen a group in the forest?

[Jean, pretending to be a deaf mute, makes a lot of hand gestures in response]

Hubert Hawkins: She says, "No."

Captain of the Guard: What took her so long?

Hubert Hawkins: Stutters.

Hubert Hawkins: I'd like to get in, get on with it, get it over with, and get out. Get it?

Ravenhurst: Got it.

Hubert Hawkins: Good.

Griselda: I bring you a message from the princess.

Hubert Hawkins: The royal princess?

Griselda: Yes, she finds you most attractive and would like to meet you.

Hubert Hawkins: Me?

Griselda: She finds you passing fair, passing gracefully.

Hubert Hawkins: Tell her, "Thank you very much, but I'm just passing through."

King Roderick I: What are you loo-loo-looing about?

Hubert Hawkins: Oh, I'm not loo-loo-looing, Sire, I'm willow-willow-wailing.

King Roderick I: All right, all right. Willow away, willow away.

[picking his weapon for the joust against Griswold]

Hubert Hawkins: I'll take one of those, one of those, ooh, a couple of those.

[he pauses and glances over at Griswold]

Hubert Hawkins: I'd better take them all.