Gilbert Quotes in They Live (1988)

Frank: What do these things want?

Gilbert: They're free-enterprisers. The earth is just another developing planet. Their third world.

Gilbert: The world needs a wake up call, gentlemen. We're gonna phone it in.

Gilbert: Where did you hide the treasure, exactly?

Yellowbeard: You won't catch me with those trick questions.

Captain Hughes: Wait a minute! What is that?

Gilbert: It's a crocodile, sir.

Captain Hughes: What's it for?

Gilbert: Well, um... each sailor is allowed, by tradition, a pet, sir.

Captain Hughes: One pet per sailor, parrots preferred.

Gilbert: Well, we like clubbed together, as it were, if you take my drift, sir.

Captain Hughes: That's bigger than three parrots.

Gilbert: Not if they're in cages, sir.

Captain Hughes: Open it up.

Gilbert: Open it up?

Captain Hughes: Open it up! There are buttons down the side.

[Gilbert opens the crocodile. Rosie the prostitute is smiling inside]

Captain Hughes: The ancient superstition that a woman onboard brings bad luck is now a proven scientific fact.

Gilbert: Nice try, Rosie.

Rosie: [Rosie walks off and stops a sailor carrying a sheep towards the ship] Shouldn't bother, love. They're fairly strict on this one.

Gracie: Oh Gilbert, you were so brave, you protected our eggs.

Snowflake's mother: Oh how could you let this happen? You know you were supposed to be watching the nest!

Snowflake's father: I'm sorry dear, please, try to calm down.

Gilbert: Grace, I can't tell a lie, I'm sorry, one of our eggs was taken by seagulls.

[gathers up both eggs and takes them to to the other couple]

Gilbert: Perhaps, one of these eggs belongs to you.

Scamper: Papa, those bad men, we have to stop them. They're catching penguins for the zoo!

Gilbert: They are?

[turns to the parent penguins]

Gilbert: They're trying to sell our children to the zoo! Come on! Let's stop them!

Scamper: Papa, that man and the dog saved my life.

Gilbert: You're in enough trouble already, now go with your mother.

Gilbert: [the seagulls come for the eggs] I knew as soon as they

[the father penguins]

Gilbert: left the birds would attack!

Gilbert: [the sailors are stealing their children] You can't do this! We're never going to let you!

[to the parents]

Gilbert: Okay guys, come on!

Teacher penguin: [gunshots are heard, she runs up] Help! We need help! The sailors, they've taken all the children!

Gilbert: Ohhh!

Wilhelm: Rest assured, Mr. Lely, my designs are properly researched and authentic to the last thread.

Durward Lely: No disrespect to you, Mr. Wilhelm, but your authentically tailored costume seems to have left me rather in the buff, somewhat!

Wilhelm: No more in the buff than Japanese peasants have been for the last eight hundred years, sir.

Durward Lely: May I draw your attention, Mr. Wilhelm, to the fact that I am not actually a Japanese peasant?

Gilbert: No, you are a Scotch actor who is taking the part of a Japanese prince who is posing as an itinerant minstrel.

Gilbert: Madam, I had rather spend an afternoon in a Turkish bath with my mother than visit the dratted dentist.

Gilbert: There's something inherently disappointing about success.

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): I do apologize, sir, that neither I nor Schwenck was here to welcome you on your arrival last night.

Gilbert's Father: I do not appreciate being left upon the doorstep like a hawker!

Gilbert: If you'll only take the trouble to press the electric bell, Father, you'll be admitted at once. Is that not so, Pidgeon?

Pidgeon, Gilbert's Houseman: Indeed it is, sir.

Gilbert's Father: I have no intention of placing my life in danger, sir!

Gilbert: How many doorstep deaths have we had thus far, Pidgeon?

Pidgeon, Gilbert's Houseman: None to my certain knowledge, sir.

Gilbert: There you are, Father. The odds would appear to be in your favour.

Gilbert's Father: [on Gilbert's mother] She is a veritable gorgon.

Gilbert: She is indeed, and she has chosen her own path, and in so doing, she has turned her back on yourself and myself. And for that small mercy we should both of us be eternally grateful.

Gilbert: Can we do that line again please, Barrington, and this time try it in English.

Gilbert: I'm sure we shall reap the benefits of your remonstrations in the fullness of time.

Gilbert's Father: Am I to understand, sir, that you have been in communication with your mother?

Gilbert: No, Father, not for some considerable time, I'm glad to say.

Gilbert's Father: You are a liar, sir.

Gilbert: No, sir. I can assure you, Papa, that the very last person with whom I wish to have any communication at all is your estranged wife, the vicious woman who bore me into this ridiculous world.

Gilbert's Father: How dare you, sir? Have you no respect?

Gilbert: Don't misunderstand me, Father. Nobody respects her more than I do, and I can't stand the woman.

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): How's my wounded soldier?

Mrs. Judd, Gilbert's Maid: He's not doing as he's told, madam.

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): Oh, isn't he now? Willie, are you intending to visit the dentist tomorrow?

Mrs. Judd, Gilbert's Maid: You really should try...

Gilbert: [exploding] Oh, for God's sake, you pair of bloody harpies! Get out, I'm *working*!

Gilbert's Father: A father should not have to seek permission to visit his own son!

Gilbert: The son shouldn't be expected to be clairvoyant.

Gilbert: Every theatrical performance is a contrivance by its very nature.

Sullivan: Yes, but this piece consists entirely of an artificial and implausible situation.

Gilbert: If you wish to write a Grand Opera about a prostitute, dying of consumption in a garret, I suggest you contact Mr Ibsen in Oslo. I am sure he will be able to furnish you with something suitably dull.

Gilbert: A terrible thing has just happened, Grossmith. You've become a cockney.

Gilbert: I don't quite know how to take praise. It makes my eye red.

[rehearsing a scene]

George Grossmith: [annoyed] "Well, a nice mess you've got us into, with your nodding head, and the deference due to a man of pedigree!"

Gilbert: Mr. Grossmith, you are under sentence of death, "by something lingering, either boiling oil or melted lead." Kindly bear that in mind.

[giving notes after a dress rehearsal]

Gilbert: Your performances were, on the whole, promising, which is more than can be said, alas, for that of the sliding doors. One of which might have thought it was in Japan, but the other was apparently stubbornly laboring under the misapprehension that it was on holiday in Yorkshire.

[laughter]

Richard Barker: Where was the man, Mr. Seymour?

Mr. Seymour, Production Manager: Rest assured, Mr. Barker, that tomorrow night he will be with us in Japan.

[after extracting Gilbert's bad tooth]

Dentist: I must say, my wife and I did find "Princess Ida" rather too long, don't you know.

Gilbert: [mumbles indignantly around the gauze in his mouth]

Dentist: Try not to speak, old chap.

Armourer: [in French] You are going to have a definite success, sir!

Gilbert: Merci.

[the Armourer leaves]

Gilbert: What do you expect me to do, kiss the carpenters?

Gilbert: What are you writing, sir?

Calligrapher: [speaks Japanese]

Wilhelm: Mr. Grossmith, kindly oblige me by removing your hat.

George Grossmith: Why, sir? Are you ready for me?

Wilhelm: Would that I were, sir. And, I'll thank you not to refer to my designs as "vulgar", Mr. Lely.

Durward Lely: Mr. Wilhelm, to my eyes, your designs are not only vulgar, but obscene!

Wilhelm: How DARE you, sir?

Gilbert: Strong words, Lely - what the deuce do you mean?

Durward Lely: Mr. Gilbert, I am a respectably married man and I love my wife dearly. Now, one of the few pleasures that she has enjoyed since the untimely demise of my beloved mother-in-law is to watch me perform upon the stage. But, I am not prepared to allow her to suffer the embarrassment of seeing me flaunted before the public like a half-dressed, performing dog!

Gilbert: You have my sympathies, Lely. Unfortunately, your avocation as an actor compels you, on occasion, to endure the most ignominious indignities, to which Grossmith will doubtless testify.

George Grossmith: Without question, sir.

Sullivan: Oh, Gilbert! You and your world of topsy-turvydom. In 1881, it was a magic coin; and before that it was a magic lozenge; and in 1877 it was an elixir.

Gilbert: In this instance it is a magic potion.

[in a Japanese tea house]

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): My goodness! It's perfectly green.

Gilbert: Spinach water.

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): Oh, Willie.

Gilbert: Thank you very much.

Miss 'Sixpence Please': Shickerspen, preas.

Gilbert: I beg your pardon?

Miss 'Sixpence Please': Shickerspen, preas.

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): Oh, she speaks English.

Gilbert: What did she say?

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): She said, "Sixpence, please."

Gilbert: You, do?

[referring to the chorus members belief that the Mikado song should not have been cut]

Mr. Price: Yes, sir, we do so.

Female Chorus Member: Yes, especially after all our extremely hard work and of course, Mr. Temple's.

Gilbert: I'm very sorry for you, but as we all know, it's an unjust world.

Male Chorus Member: We all feel it would have been a great benefit to the opera.

Female Chorus Member: And it's fair for it to be left to the audience to decide.

Gilbert: Is this the considered opinion of you all?

Chorus Members: It is, sir.

Mr. Kent: I am not a party to this, Mr. Gilbert.

Gilbert: Ah, Mr. Kent, as ever the sole voice of reason!

Gilbert: [to Temple, who has unexpectedly come upon the meeting of Gilbert and the chorus members] Mr. Temple, what do you make of this occurrence?

Richard Temple: I do beg your pardon Mr. Gilbert, but I have absolutely no idea of what is taking place.

Gilbert: There has been a request that your song be reinstated.

Richard Temple: Ah.

[pause]

Richard Temple: Ah.

Gilbert: A most forceful request, I have to say.

[George Grossmith also comes unexpectedly upon the crowd]

George Grossmith: [to the crowd members] Afternoon, afternoon, please give way.

[seeing Gilbert]

George Grossmith: Ah! Beg pardon, sir.

Gilbert: This is surprising, indeed, ladies and gentlemen, somewhat overwhelming.

Gilbert: [to Temple] Temple, would you be prepared to sing this song at this evening's performance?

Richard Temple: Yes, sir, I would.

Gilbert: [after long hesitation] Then please be so good as to do so.

[Chorus members laugh, cheer and applaud]

Gilbert: Rehearsals will commence in five minutes!

Male Chorus Member: Congratulations, Temple!

Gilbert: [giving notes to the cast after a dress rehearsal] Ko-ko's entrance: Mr. Kent and Mr. Conyngham. Please ensure that you do not flinch at Mr. Grossmith's sword. You must have confidence that he is not about to chop off your heads, even if it may appear that that is your inevitable fate.

Gilbert: Barker, what are you doing? Do you propose to join in?

Richard Barker: My dancing days are long over, Mr. Gilbert.

Gilbert: Over, Barker, but not forgotten.

[Gilbert brings a samurai sword home from the Japanese exhibition]

Pidgeon, Gilbert's Houseman: It's a fine-looking instrument, sir. Now would that be Spanish or Italian?

Gilbert: Neither, Pidgeon.

Pidgeon, Gilbert's Houseman: Of course, sir.

Gilbert: How was your crossing, Sullivan?

Sullivan: Mercifully smooth, thank you.

Gilbert: As smooth as D'Oyly Carte?

[they laugh]

Sullivan: No, not quite, Gilbert.

Gilbert: Now, Miss "Sixpence, Please" - what you have just witnessed is not even remotely Japanese, am I right?

[Miss "Sixpence, Please" is silent]

Gilbert: [to the Japanese man] Sir - Japanese.

Japanese Man: Japanese.

Gilbert: No.

Japanese Man: No.

Gilbert: Thank you very much...

John D'Auban, Choregrapher: Excuse me, Mr. Gilbert sir, if I may?

[to the Japanese man]

John D'Auban, Choregrapher: Japanese.

Japanese Man: Japanese.

John D'Auban, Choregrapher: Yes.

Japanese Man: Yes.

John D'Auban, Choregrapher: [to Gilbert] See, he hasn't got the faintest idea what you're talkin' about.

Gilbert: [indignantly] "Sullivan & Gilbert"? Who are they?

Gilbert: Thus. The traditional Japanese posture adopted by well-meaning, but misguided, underlings upon the departure of their august superiors.

George Grossmith: Would that be a recognised Japanese attitude, sir?

Gilbert: Not as yet, Grossmith, but I have every confidence that it shall become one.

Wilhelm: Will you remove your corset.

Durward Lely: I beg your pardon?

Wilhelm: Kindly remove your corset, Mr. Lely, it will spoil the hang of the cloth.

Durward Lely: Mr. Gilbert, I never perform without my corset!

Gilbert: What, never?

[Barker phones Gilbert with the returns from the previous evening, speaking in code]

Richard Barker: U, U, plus 10 shillings and sixpence!

Gilbert: Can you repeat that, please?

Richard Barker: Yes: U, U!

Gilbert: So that's U for udder, U for udder, plus ten shillings and sixpence!

Richard Barker: Yes!

Gilbert: So you have two udders, Barker?

Richard Barker: Uh, yes!

Gilbert: I always suspected as much!

Richard Barker: [laughs]

Mrs. Judd, Gilbert's Maid: I've made you some beef tea, Mr. Gilbert.

Gilbert: Take it away.

Mrs. Judd, Gilbert's Maid: You've not had anything since yesterday afternoon, sir.

Gilbert: Take it away.

Mrs. Judd, Gilbert's Maid: You can't work on an empty stomach.

Gilbert: I can't work at all, Mrs. Judd, if I'm being constantly pestered by interfering women with hot beef tea, cold compresses, mustard poultices, and excessive attacks of philanthropic zeal.

Gilbert: I have other things on my mind, you know that.

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): Yes, I do know that, Willie, and I understand, but a little distraction will do you good.

Gilbert: Kitty, I don't want to be distracted.

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): Yes, you do.

Gilbert: Oh, do I? You know my mind better than I do, do you?

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): I know you better than you think I do, Willie.

Gilbert: You have my sympathies, Lely. But unfortunately your avocation as an actor compels you on occasion to endure the most ignominious indignities, as Grossmith will doubtless testify.

George Grossmith: Without question, sir.

Gilbert: They walked downstage in the Japanese manner.

John D'Auban, Choregrapher: They walked downstage in the Japanese manner because they are Japanese.

Gilbert: Exactly, and that is precisely why they are here.

John D'Auban, Choregrapher: Our three little maids are not Japanese. However, they are very funny.

Gilbert: No funnier, however, than they would be if they all sat down on pork pies.

[Seymour, the stage manager, fills in Lely's part during a rehearsal]

Mr. Seymour, Production Manager: [reading from the script, over-acting] Oh, but it's too late! I'm a dead man, and I'm off for my honeymoon.

[Barrington falls about laughing]

George Grossmith: Uncanny, is it not?

Gilbert: Mr. Seymour, please inform Mr. Lely that his services will no longer be required.

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): I should rather like to be an actor, upon the stage.

Gilbert: An actor?

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): Yes. Wouldn't it be wondrous if perfectly commonplace people gave each other a round of applause at the end of the day?

[she claps enthusiastically]

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty): Well done, Kitty! Well done!

Gilbert: I was unable to present you with the libretto until you returned from your Grand Tour of Europe.

Sullivan: That is neither here nor there.

Gilbert: No, Sullivan, indeed. I was here and you were there!

George Grossmith: [In rehearsals as Koko, and pronouncing a word wrongly] Is this a time for airy persiflidge?

Gilbert: *Persiflage*, Grossmith.

George Grossmith: Is it?

Gilbert: It is.

George Grossmith: Is this a time for airy persiflage? Doesn't sound right to me.

Gilbert: Persiflage, mirage, fromage.

Rutland Barrington: [rehearsing a line] Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic verisimilitude to a bald and unconvincing narrative.

Gilbert: No, Barrington. "An *otherwise* bald and unconvincing narrative."

Rutland Barrington: [faltering] Was that incorrect? I-I do beg your pardon.

Gilbert: On the contrary, it has only just occurred to me.

Rutland Barrington: Ah. To an *otherwise* bald and unconvincing narrative.

Gilbert: Much better.

Mr. Price: Hello, Mr. Gilbert.

[addressing Gilbert as he is leaving the theater at the head of the members of the opera chorus]

Gilbert: Good Afternoon, Price.

Mr. Price: Mr. Gilbert, might you spare us a moment of your time, please?

Gilbert: Of course, that's why we're here. We have to rehearse.

Mr. Price: Please, Mr. Gilbert...

Gilbert: [irritated] Yes, Price, what is it?

Mr. Price: [hesitating] We-uh...

Gilbert: Hmm?

Mr. Price: The ladies and gentlemen of the chorus...

Gilbert: [patiently] Yes?

Mr. Price: Concerning Mr. Temple's song, sir.

Gilbert: Ah! The Mikado's song!

Mr. Price: Yes, sir.

Gilbert: Well, what of that mercifully released aberration?

Mr. Price: We all consider it a very fine song, sir.

Male Chorus Member: Indeed, we do!

Gilbert: Gratifying, I'm sure, but that must be a matter of opinion, mustn't it, Price?

Mr. Price: Well, yes, Mr. Gilbert, but we believe it a great loss.

Male Chorus Member: Terrible!

Gilbert: [hesitating before killing Simonson] Uh... they told me to uh... to say that they were sorry, but that you had become... unreliable.

Simonson: That's true.

Gilbert: They can't risk, uh... catastrophe, they say.

Simonson: They're right.

Gilbert: Then, uh... this is right?

Simonson: No, not right... Necessary.

Gilbert: To who?

Simonson: To... God.

State Security Chief Donovan: Do you have the words straight?

Gilbert: You know, I won't understand them if I live to be a hundred.

State Security Chief Donovan: You won't.

Becky: Tell me what you want, as fast as it comes to you.

Gilbert: Uhh...

Becky: Okay?

Gilbert: 'Kay.

Becky: Okay. What do you want?

[He's thinking about it]

Becky: Faster!

Gilbert: Okay. I want a new thing. House. I want a new house. And a family.

[He sighs heavily]

Gilbert: I want Momma to take aerobics classes. I want Ellen to grow up. I want a new brain for Arnie. I want...

Becky: What do you want for you? Just for you?

Gilbert: I want to be a good person.

Becky: I love the sky. It's so limitless.

Gilbert: It is big. It's very big.

Becky: Big doesn't even sum it up, right? That word big is so small.

[Arnie jumps onto Gilbert's back]

Gilbert: God, Arnie, you're getting so big. Pretty soon I ain't gonna be able to carry you no more.

Arnie Grape: No, you're getting littler, Gilbert. You're getting littler, you're shrinking! You're shrinking, Gilbert, you're shrinking! Shrinking, shrinking, shrinking!

Momma: You're my knight in shimmering armor. Did you know that?

Gilbert: I think you mean shining.

Momma: No shimmering. You shimmer, and you glow.

Gilbert: [climbing of the water tower] It's not going to happen again. This is the last time. Right Arnie?

Arnie: It's the last time.

Gilbert: Okay. Let's go.

Arnie: But I want to go back up there again.

Gilbert: [to Becky] I don't know what to say.

Arnie: Say "thank you," Gilbert. "Thank you."

Gilbert: [whispering] Thank you.

Gilbert: You know what? You're such a big boy.

Arnie: Yeah!

Gilbert: You're such a big boy.

Arnie: I'm a big boy!

Gilbert: You know what? I bet you could do this all by yourself if you really wanted to. Could you do this by yourself?

Arnie: I'm a big boy!

Gilbert: Yeah, you're a big boy. Now take this...

Arnie: Take this.

Gilbert: Wash everything, your towels are there.

Arnie: Okay!

Gilbert: And your robe is there.

Arnie: Okay! The big boy is gonna wash himself!

Gilbert: I'm not gonna let her be a joke.

Gilbert: You don't hurt Arnie, you just don't.

Gilbert: Why will I take care of it?

Arnie: Gilbert...

Gilbert: Hmm?

Arnie: 'Cause you're Gilbert.

Gilbert: 'Cause I'm Gilbert.

Becky: It's okay,don worry about it.

Gilbert: no no I'm really... I'm really sorry

Becky: It's okay.

Gilbert: I'm really sorry.

Becky: Don't be sorry,Are you sorry?... no,I'm not sorry,he's not sorry,we're not sorry,don't be sorry.

Arnie: I'm not sorry

Gilbert: Bobby, how's business?

Bobby: Oh, not good... nobody's dying.

Tucker: How's momma?

Gilbert: She's fat.

Tucker: Come on, man. She's not all that big, Gilbert.

Gilbert: What?

Tucker: Listen, I saw a guy at the state fair who was... a little bit bigger.

Gilbert: A little bit bigger?

Tucker: Look, all I'm sayin' is that she's not the biggest I ever seen, okay?

Gilbert: Tucker, she's a whale!

Tucker: Well, take her out for a walk once in a while.

Gilbert: Take her out for a jog!

Arnie: She's a whale! Tucker, she's a whale!

Gilbert: We don't really move. I mean, we'd like to, but... my mom is sort of attached to the house. Attached is, I guess, not the right word. She's pretty much wedged in.

Gilbert: Did you ever see a beached whale on television?

Becky: Yeah.

Gilbert: Yeah. That's her. That's my mom.

Becky: [pauses] What about your dad?

Gilbert: Uh, some other day. Some other day.

Mr. Lamson: What's going on over there at "Food Land"?

Gilbert: [labeling price tags on cans] I wouldn't know, I don't shop there.

[puts a can up and looks at boss]

Gilbert: I'd rather die.

[smiles]

Gilbert: I know a boy whose name is Arnie... he's, uh, 'bout to turn 18 and have a big party. I know a boy whose name is Arnie. C'mon down, buddy.

Gilbert: Ellen? Ellen?

Ellen Grape: What?

Gilbert: Could you not talk with your mouth full?

Ellen Grape: Excuse me?

Gilbert: You're making me sick, I'm gonna throw up.

Ellen Grape: Oh, okay, dad. Sure thing, dad.

Gilbert: I had a nice time tonight.

Becky: I know.

[smiles]

Becky: Tell me what you want as fast as it comes to you.

Gilbert: I wanna be a good person.

Betty Carver: Hey. I could have had any guy, any guy, but I chose you. I chose you.

Gilbert: Why did you?

Betty Carver: [pause] Because... I knew you'd always be there. Because I knew you'd never leave.

Arnie: Gilbert, how many more miles 'til they get here?

Gilbert: Few million, buddy.

Arnie: Three?

Gilbert: Yeah.

Gilbert: You are a Partisan. That's very interesting. A soldier without a front. Are you a good soldier? Are you prepared to pay the price?

Flammen: What price?

Gilbert: What do you think? Your life. You see, there can only be three reasons for fighting in a war. Firstly, career opportunity. It's widespread, but does not produce good soldiers. You have a fear of dying and only think of peace. Secondly, ideology. Love of the mother country. That is much more intriguing, but the dreamer breaks down. He doesn't have the strength. He's shallow. The frivolous and presumptuous nature of youth. Unless he's passionate; fanatical if you will. That makes for a good soldier.

Flammen: And thirdly?

Gilbert: Hate. Hatred of your enemy. Hate seduces you into doing things you never thought yourself capable of. Unless the hatred is caused by a personal neurosis...

Flammen: What are you saying?

Gilbert: The neurotic is intelligent and he has doubts. If he is betrayed, his hatred fades; and doubt sets in. War does nothing for the neurotic. The gentle loving father is not to be found in war. Your cause, Christiansen; is legitimate. Now, you must become a good soldier.

Gilbert: What the hell happened to Mitch?

[last lines]

Mitch: Help! I can't move I can't... can't!

Gilbert: MITCH, SAY SOMETHING MAN!

[Sees Mitch being devoured]

Gilbert: I don't want to die with a dick on my face!

Gilbert: [Discovering most of the spring breakers have been devoured] No way, this is fucking bullshit! This is a fucking joke!

Gilbert: I think it's over...

[the can starts shaking]

Gilbert: OH FUCK... IT'S GOT ME!

[Gets sucked down through the barrel]

Gilbert: My mother told me not to bring my black ass to this motherfucking Beach!

[first lines]

Gilbert: All right, so apparently they erased my ad off the internet.

Michael: Well, I don't really know what the terms of use are, but it says here, flagged and removed.

Gilbert: [reading] Conduct: You agree not to post or otherwise make available content that is unlawful, harmful, threatening, abusive, harassing, defamatory, pornographic, libelous, and harasses, debases, or is hateful towards... well, I don't think any of these things apply. Unless they're claiming it's unlawful. But I'm just gonna re-post it. Fuck 'em.

Gilbert: Can I help?

Iris Henderson: Only by going away.

Gilbert: No, no, no, no. My father always taught me, never desert a lady in trouble. He even carried that as far as marrying Mother.

Gilbert: Come on, sit down, take it easy. What's the trouble?

Iris Henderson: If you must know, something fell on my head.

Gilbert: When, infancy?

Gilbert: I'm about as popular as a dose of strychnine.

Iris Henderson: You're the most contemptible person I've ever met in all my life!

Gilbert: Confidentially, I think you're a bit of a stinker, too.

Iris Henderson: I was having tea about an hour ago with an English lady. You saw her, didn't you?

Charters: Well, I don't know, I mean, I was talking to my friend, wasn't I?

Caldicott: Indubitably.

Iris Henderson: Yes, but you were sitting at the next table. She turned and borrowed the sugar. You must remember.

Charters: Yes, I recall passing the sugar.

Iris Henderson: Well then you saw her.

Charters: I repeat we were deep in conversation. We were discussing cricket.

Iris Henderson: Well, I don't see how a thing like cricket can make you forget seeing people.

Charters: Oh, don't you? If that's your attitude, there's nothing more to be said! Come Caldicott. "A thing like cricket!"

Gilbert: Wrong tactics. We should've told him we were looking for a lost cricket ball.

Iris Henderson: Did you notice the nun in there with the patient?

Gilbert: No, not really...

Iris Henderson: Nuns don't wear high heels.

Dr. Hartz: And I am Dr. Egon Hartz; you may have heard of me.

Gilbert: Not the brain surgeon?

Dr. Hartz: Yes, the same.

Gilbert: Yes, you flew over to England the other day and operated on one of our cabinet ministers.

Dr. Hartz: Oh, yes.

Gilbert: Tell me, did you find anything?

Gilbert: Never climb a fence if you can sit on it.

Gilbert: What was she wearing? Scotch tweeds wasn't it?

Iris Henderson: Oatmeal tweeds.

Gilbert: I knew it had something to do with porridge.

Iris Henderson: Was she hit?

Gilbert: I can't tell!

Gilbert: [wearing a deerstalker and brandishing a calabash pipe] Let's marshal the facts over a pipeful of Baker Street shag.