Ethel Quotes in The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)

[in a hospital ward]

Chas: Why did you try to kill yourself?

Ethel: Don't press him right now.

Richie: I wrote a suicide note.

Chas: You did?

Richie: Yeah. Right after I regained consciousness.

Chas: Can we read it?

Richie: No.

Chas: Can you paraphrase it for us?

Richie: I don't think so.

Chas: Is it dark?

Richie: Of course it's dark, it's a suicide note.

Ethel: How long have you been a smoker?

Margot: 22 years.

Ethel: Well, I think you should quit.

Ethel: What are you talking about?

Chas: The apartment. I have to get some new sprinklers and a back-up security system installed.

Ethel: But there are no sprinklers here either.

Chas: We might have to do something about that too.

Royal: Got a minute?

Ethel: [startled] What are you doing here?

Royal: Uh, I need a favour. I want to spend some time with you and the children.

Ethel: Are you crazy?

[she carries on walking]

Royal: Well, wait a minute, dammit!

Ethel: Stop following me!

Royal: Well, I want my family back.

Ethel: Well, you can't have it! I'm sorry for you, but it's too late.

Royal: Well, listen... Baby, I'm dying.

[she stops]

Royal: Yeah, I-I'm sick as a dog. I'll be dead in six weeks. I'm dying.

Ethel: What are you talking about? What's happening? Oh, I'm sorry... I didn't know...

[starts crying]

Ethel: Well, what'd they say? What is the prognosis?

Royal: [trying to comfort her] Take it easy, Ethel. Now, hold on, baby, hold on. Hold on, OK?

[she starts wailing]

Ethel: Where is the doctor?

Royal: Well, look, just wait a second now. Wait a second. OK, uh, listen, I'm not dying... but I need some time. A month or so. OK? I want us to-to...

[she slaps him hard]

Ethel: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? Are you crazy?

[she walks off]

Royal: Ethel, baby... I am dying.

[she comes back to him]

Ethel: Are you or aren't you?

Royal: What? Dying? Yeah.

Chas: Please don't get in the middle of this, Mr. Sherman. This is a family matter.

Margot: Don't talk to him like that.

Henry Sherman: Call me Henry.

Chas: I prefer Mr. Sherman.

Ethel: Call him Henry.

Chas: Why? I don't know him that well.

Ethel: You've known him for 10 years.

Chas: As your accountant, Mr. Sherman, yes.

Raleigh: You've made a cuckold of me.

Margot: I know.

Raleigh: Many times over.

Margot: I'm sorry.

Raleigh: And you nearly killed your poor brother.

Ethel: What's he talking about?

Margot: It doesn't matter.

Raleigh: She's balling Eli Cash.

Ethel: Raleigh says you've been spending 6 hours a day locked in here, watching television and soaking in the tub.

Margot: [lying in the bath] I doubt that.

Ethel: Well, I don't think that's very healthy, do you? Nor do I think it's very intelligent to keep an electrical gadget on the edge of the bathtub.

Margot: I tie it to the radiator.

Royal: Chas has those boys cooped up like a pair of jackrabbits, Ethel.

Ethel: He has his reasons.

Royal: Oh, I know that, but you can't raise boys to be scared of life. You gotta brew some recklessness into them.

Ethel: I think that's terrible advice.

Royal: No, you don't.

Ethel: Royal, this is Henry Sherman.

Royal: [shaking hands with him] Hey, lay it on me, man.

Henry Sherman: How do you do?

Royal: Not too well, I'm dying.

Richie: I think he's very lonely. Lonelier than he lets on. Maybe lonelier than he even realizes.

Ethel: Have you spoken to him about this?

Richie: Briefly. And he agreed that...

Chas: I'm sorry, maybe I'm a little confused here. What are you suggesting?

Richie: That he come here and stay in my room.

Chas: Are you out of your mind?

Richie: No. I'm not. Anyway I think he'd be much more comfortable here than at...

Chas: Who gives a shit?

Richie: I do.

Chas: You poor sucker. You poor, washed up papa's boy.

Henry Sherman: I just wanted to apologize for the other day, when I proposed to you.

Ethel: Why? I thought it was very sweet.

Ethel: [about Royal's fake terminal illness charade] Were you part of this, Pagoda?

Henry Sherman: Of course he was.

Royal: No... well, yeah, he was, but, I mean, he wasn't *that* involved.

[on Sir William's death]

Ethel: Why would anyone want to kill Sir William?

Mrs. Croft: Well, he wasn't exactly Father Christmas.

Ethel: I feel like we've died and gone to heaven - only we had to climb up.

Ethel: I had to park the car three blocks away. Then it started to rain so I ran the last two blocks. Then my heel got caught in a subway grating. When I pulled my foot out, I stepped in a puddle. Then a cab went by and splashed my stockings. If the hardware store downstairs was open, I was going to buy a knife and kill myself.

Ethel: [to Corie, after just climbing up the stairs to Paul and Corie's top-floor apartment] I remember when you were a little girl, you said you wanted to live on the moon... I thought you were kidding.

Corie Bratter: [Looking arond Mr. Velasco's Apt] Isn't this wild? What do you think, Mother?

Ethel: I think I've broken some straps!

Ethel: Make him feel important. If you do that, you'll have a happy and wonderful marriage - like two out of every ten couples.

Corie Bratter: Hey!

[rattling a box]

Corie Bratter: what's in here, that sounds expensive?

Ethel: Now I think it's a broken clock.

Corie Bratter: [opening another box] Does this pot come with instructions?

Ethel: If I'd known about this apartment it would have come with hot coffee.

Corie Bratter: Mother. Oh, I love everything. But you've got to stop sending me presents. You should start spending your money on yourself.

Ethel: Oh... myself. What does a woman like me need living alone way out in New Jersey?

Corie Bratter: You could travel...

Ethel: Oh, travel. Alone. I read a story in the times. A middle-aged woman travelling alone fell off the deck of a ship. they never even discovered it 'til they got to france.

Corie Bratter: Mother, I promise you, if you ever fell off the deck of a ship, someone would know about it.

[Ethel and Elsie are playing Scrabble. Ethel has just put down the letters "-ucker", to which Elsie has added "muther-"]

Ethel: Wait, Elsie. I think you're wrong. I think you spell that word with a hyphen.

Jerry Jones: Will you marry me tonight?

Ethel: Well, of course.

Jerry Jones: Wonderful. Congratulations, darling, you're a war bride. I've just been drafted.

[Dodger, Jelly and Lennie have escaped in a prison van with the help of Ethel and Mrs Price who have now joined them in the van]

Ethel: [to Dodger] Oh Dodger, dear, it's lovely to see you again. I do hope everything goes all right. We'll have a lovely honeymoon.

Jelly Knight: [ironically] Marvellous - you in Holloway, him in Dartmoor.

Ethel: Merle's gettin' married today.

Michael Shayne: Gettin' married? She can't do that to me!

Ethel: You can't blame her none, Mike. After all, she was caught between a stiff breeze and plenty of wind.

Michael Shayne: Talk English!

Ethel: Well, you gave her a stiff breeze, and he gave her plenty of wind.

Wes: Ethel, are you sure you're not tired?

Ethel: No, Ren did most of the driving.

Amy: [dreamily] If you ask me, Ren is a total fox.

Lulu: [shocked] Amy!

Wes: Where did you hear that? Ethel, do you see how television and those kinds of books influence children? You see?

Ethel: You gonna wear that tie?

Ren: Yeah.

Ethel: I think you might want to dress down for now.

Ren: Why? I like the tie.

Ethel: September, when you go to college, you can dress like David Bowie. Come on, let's go.

Charlie Martin: How old will you be? On your birthday?

Norman: A hundred and three.

Charlie Martin: Ms. Appley had a birthday. She turned 97.

Ethel: Do you hear that Norman? Ninety-seven!

Norman: [referring to the fact that Ms. Appley was a lesbian] There's something to be said for a deviant lifestyle!

Ethel: [to Chelsea] Don't you think that everyone looks back on their childhood with a certain amount of bitterness and regret about something? You're a big girl now. Aren't you tired of it all? Bore, bore. It doesn't have to ruin your life, darling. Life marches by, Chels. I suggest you get on with it.

Norman: There's someone at the door!

Ethel: It's me, you old poop!

Norman: You want to know why I came back so fast? I got to the end of our lane. I couldn't remember where the old town road was. I went a little ways in the woods. There was nothing familar. Not one damn tree. Scared me half to death. That's why I came running back here to you. So I could see your pretty face and I could feel safe and that I was still me.

Ethel: You're safe, you old poop and you're definitely still you picking on poor old Charlie. After lunch, after we've gobbled up all those silly strawberries we'll take ourselves to the old town road. We've been there a thousand times. A thousand. And you'll remember it all. Listen to me, mister. You're my knight in shining armour. Don't you forget it. You're gonna get back up on that horse and I'm gonna be right behind you holding on tight and away we're gonna go, go, go.

Norman: I don't like horses. You are a pretty old dame aren't you? What are you doing with a dotty old son of a bitch like me?

Ethel: Well, I haven't the vaguest idea.

Ethel: That son of a bitch happens to be my husband.

Ethel: Come here, Norman. Hurry up. The loons! The loons! They're welcoming us back.

Ethel: You know, Norman, you really are the sweetest man in the world, but I'm the only one who knows it.

Ethel: Don't be such an old poop!

Ethel: Where are you going?

Mr. Hopkins: Fishing.

Ethel: At this time of night? You're mad.

Mr. Hopkins: What's the difference? There's no fish, day or night.

Lynn: What I'd give for a hot shower and a cold margarita.

Brenda Carter: [chiming in] The beach...

Lynn: A massage...

Ethel: I'll take a real bed.

Brenda Carter: [slyly] The chronic.

Lynn: [laughs] Brenda!

Ethel: What?

Lynn: [still laughing] The chronic... it's pot, Mom.

Ethel: [stares at her daughters, horrified and displeased]

Ethel: [Doug and Big Bob are about to go and look for help] I think that we should pray before you go.

Brenda Carter: Aw, Mom!

Ethel: Brenda, is it really so much to ask?

Brenda Carter: Yes.

Big Bob: [firmly, to Brenda] C'mon.

Brenda Carter: [sighs, rising from her chair] Thank God no one's watching us.

Sheriff Tucker: Morning, Ethel. My, don't you look lovely today.

Ethel: Horse shit! Now, Sheriff, you better hear me, and hear me good. I want this looney bin closed down. You hearin' me fella? Now these kids ain't nothing but trouble. They don't respect other's property, and they're all crazy!

Junior: You tell 'em Ma! Ha hah.

Sheriff Tucker: Ethel, these kids weren't doing...

Ethel: Doing? Doing? You think I don't know what those two perverts were doing in my yard?

Junior: Say it like you mean it, Ma!

Ethel: Would you shut the fuck up?

[the kids laugh for a minute]

Ethel: Now, I'm gonna tell all of ya, you mark my words, the next little bastard that comes near my farm, I'm gonn' blow your fuckin' brains out, you hear me?

[Tucker approaches]

Ethel: Don't you come near me, Sheriff, I'm warnin' ya! I got a bomb on me. I swear to ya. You make one move toward me I'm gonna blow us all up. Start the engines, Junior!

[gets on motorbike]

Ethel: That's it. My final words.

[gives them the finger as they drive off]

Ethel: That is one fucking ugly man that goes there.

Junior: That's one fucking ugly man, Mama.

Ethel: Would you shut your trap? You ain't so pretty yourself, you know.

Junior: I ain't so pretty myself, I know.

Ethel: [to chicken] I'm gonna chop you into itty, bitty little pieces, my friend. Just like they done to that piggo over at that fuckin' crazy farm. Eeeeyah!

[decapitates chicken]

Junior: Eeeeyah!

[imitates Ethel using spoon]

Junior: Ha ha ha ha.

Ethel: You big dildo. Eat your fucking slop! Ain't I make the best goddamned stew in the whole wide world?

Junior: Best goddamned stew in the whole wide world, Mama.

Ethel: Holy shit! Who the fuck are you and what the fuck do you want?

Ethel: [after Junior is decapitated and Ethel hears the door open] 'Bout time, you fuck wad. I knew you couldn't pass up on my stew.

Ethel: You dumb dildo!

William S. Whitley: Don't you ever look at stars, Ethel?

Ethel: I did once, but I'm married now!