T.J. Quotes in Chrome and Hot Leather (1971)

T.J.: Gabriel.

Gabe: [looks up from pinball machine] Yeah?

T.J.: Gabriel, can't you see we're menacing someone?

Hesher: Where's the laundry room?

T.J.: My dad's gonna be home soon

Hesher: Where's the laundry room?

T.J.: Why?

Hesher: Have you ever been skull-fucked?

T.J.: No

Hesher: Would you like to be?

T.J.: Just leave me alone.

Hesher: Alright I'll go but um, on one condition.

[Hesher Farts, Then Leaves]

Hesher: You gonna try and fuck her?

T.J.: No.

Hesher: Well that's good? Cus' can't fuck her from here dude. Gotta be way closer.

T.J.: Sorry I broke your lamp.

Nicole: It's okay.

T.J.: And I'm sorry I called you a fat prostitute.

Nicole: It's okay.

T.J.: You are not fat.

T.J.: You rat me out, I'm gonna carve you like a turkey and beat your kids with what's left of you.

Tom Stansfield: I don't have any kids.

T.J.: I can wait.

T.J.: I've had a man's hairy balls since I was 8. It's the source of my power. They tell me the weather, time of day, if there's a pile-up on Route 66.

T.J.: I think your sweetheart's been taking too many diet pills.

T.J.: [after Courtney, half-drowned, is helped out of the swimming pool] . How's your headache?

Mohtz: That tattoo on your arm. Is that airborne?

Jonah: The 182nd. Gulf War, 1991.

Mohtz: Hmm. Mine here is the 405th Infantry. Outside of Da Nang, South Vietnam, 1968. Whole platoon got wiped out, but it wasn't Charlie.

Jonah: You're shitting me. Friendly fire killed your whole platoon?

Mohtz: No, no, not exactly. One night, me and the C.O. were pulling guard duty, and we're sharing a joint... Thai Stick. I'm really stoned. And all of a sudden, we see this streak of light across the sky. Zoom! Waaa! And it looks like it lands about two klicks northeast of camp. So the C.O. says, "I'm gonna check it out." I said, "go ahead, cap man". More doobie for me, you know. So off he goes and uh... it could have been 10 minutes or two hours. I don't know. I was stoned. But he comes back and I notice that he's acting weird. But now, oh... now, no problem, it's just the Thai Stick kicking in. Well man, pretty soon he starts jumping around like his pants are on fire. I'm not shittin' you. And he... off comes his pants. He rips them off. Rips his skivvies off. Now I got my C.O. standing there in front of me, buck naked from the waist down. And then something happened, man, that... uh... boot camp did not prepare me for. This guy's pecker... his dick, ripped itself off his body and slithered towards the tent. So, the C.O.'s screaming like hell before he expires. Pretty soon, I can't hear him because dozens of screams are coming from the tents where all the platoon was. Want to know what the hell it sounded like? I think it sounded like... 30 men getting massacred by a dick as it shoved itself through them in rapid speed. So, I went over and hid behind a rock for about an hour and had to listen to my whole platoon being murdered. I think I heard one guy getting a shot or two off, but he then screamed as he got killed too. So, after it stopped... I very cautiously, believe me, crept into the officers tent to get a radio to get some air support and... I see the dick lying there on a sleeping bag and it looks like it's looking right back at me. But it looked, you know, fucking weak, man. And it was like in this, you know, shriveled... what kind of period do you call it?

T.J.: A refractory period. Happens just after sex.

Mohtz: Yeah, yeah, you know, I could have killed it right then, but I was so stoned I was afraid that I'd miss. And on the other hand, I knew it was only a matter of time before... you know, it would be back in action again. So, without taking my eyes off it, I get on the radio and have them chopper in two Saigon whores. So, for the next half-hour, I'm holding my weapon on this dick lying on a sleeping back in the blood-splattered tent. Now, I figured it won't know I'm stoned, so he won't jump me, you know? So, the chopper arrived just in time, thank God, because now the dick was getting big and hard. So, I tell the two whores when they showed up in the tent, "look, hey, I'll do anything, man. I'll take you to the States, anything, if you just lie down there and spread your legs for me." Well, I guess "states" was the magic word because I never two Vietnamese whores taking off their panties and clothes so quickly in all your life. Now, the dick must have smelled dinner because... choo! It makes a beeline for the whores. So I watch, and I wait, and watch. Finally, finally it blows it's load, I grabbed it, and ran it outside the tent. I threw it in a bunker. God... Jesus Christ man! About 10 seconds later, out runs about 15 gooks. And I could have nailed any one of them but no, I made a priority decision. Threw in a grenade. Yelled, "fire in the hole!" Fa-foom! Well, guess what. Now it's raining dick. Yeah, raining dick! I crawled into a whisky bottle. I got back to the States and I've been in there ever since.

Mohtz: So, it's a trap?

T.J.: It's a simulated vagina.

Mohtz: They're all traps.

T.J.: Nope, no issue there.

T.J.: The shooting star, the bright light; Ron acts weird, and his dick takes off running.

Wanda: And killing.

T.J.: Mm, yes. I haven't forgotten that. And killing. What if that shooting star was some alien life form that invaded Ron and took conrol of his dick?

[first lines]

Det. Mike Keegan: Hey! We got food back there, you know; all right? Hey, thanks for comin' - good to see ya. Come on in, get a drink. T.J...

T.J.: Yeah?

Det. Mike Keegan: Set 'em up with a drink.

T.J.: You're still bitter.

Ray Eddy: [bitter] I need you and Ricky to put up the christmas tree after school tomorrow, okay?

T.J.: Where are you going?

Ray Eddy: [irritated] Christmas shopping.

Doctor: [Champ has just died] I'm sorry.

T.J.: [Georgie and Jackie start to cry, TJ is shocked] No! Champ! No! Champ. Is he out? Is he out? What's the matter, Champ? Champ, wake up! Wake up! Wake - wake up!

[kisses his head]

T.J.: Champ, wake up, Champ! Hey, don't sleep now. We got to go home. Got to go home, Champ.

[Georgie collapses into sobs]

T.J.: Georgie. Don't cry. Georgie.

[TJ goes to the doctor]

T.J.: Mister, help me. Wake him up! Wake him!

Doctor: We're all real sorry.

T.J.: Please, wake him up!

Doctor: Let's go outside.

T.J.: No, no! I don't want to! I don't want to!

[runs to Jackie]

T.J.: Jackie! Wake him up! Wake him!

Jackie: TJ, please.

T.J.: I want Champ!

Jackie: TJ...

T.J.: I want Champ!

Jackie: TJ. Please, TJ, listen to me. He's gone. He's gone, son. He's gone.

T.J.: [shakes his head and backs away from Jackie] No. No! He's not gone! He's not! He's not!

Jackie: [Annie comes in, a smile on her face until she sees Champ and Jackie trying to calm TJ] Please.

T.J.: He is not dead! He is not dead! I want Champ!

Jackie: Please, listen to me, son.

T.J.: I want Champ!

Jackie: TJ, please, listen to me!

T.J.: I want Champ! Champ! He is not gone!

Jackie: [he and the doctor try to drag TJ away from Champ] Come on, son. Come on. TJ.

Annie: TJ.

[TJ walks towards her and hugs her, holding on tightly as he sobs]

[Annie just revealed to T.J. she is his mother]

Annie: I'm your mother.

T.J.: No, my mother's dead. She's a beautiful angel.

Annie: No she's not, I'm here and I love you.

T.J.: You don't live with us, you're not married to Champ.

Annie: Listen to me T.J., you don't have to live with someone to love them, I love you.

T.J.: Do you love the Champ? Do you? Do you love him? No you're not my mother.

Annie: No, no please listen to me. It's not that simple. T.J. listen to me.

T.J.: Go away. Please don't touch me. I don't want you, I don't want you.

Annie: Timmy.

T.J.: Go away I told you, go away. Go away, I want the Champ. I want Champ. Champ. I want Champ. I don't want you, I want to go back to the Champ. I want Champ, get out of here.

[Annie leaves the room frightened]

[Billy and T.J. are playing in the ocean]

T.J.: Champ, did you love her?

Billy: Who?

T.J.: Annie.

Billy: Of course I loved her, that's why we had you.

Billy: [the Champ is dying after winning the big fight] T.J. - T.J., where are you?

T.J.: Here I am.

Billy: Yeah. T.J. - Annie was here tonight, T.J. Wasn't that a nice thing?

T.J.: Yeah.

Billy: You invited her, didn't you? Huh?

T.J.: I wrote to her. You said to.

Billy: Yeah. It was nice of her to come. You know, TJ, you know, you're... Annie and me. We did some silly things. Who knows why people do what they do? Nobody knows that, but she's... she's a good person. You know that. You happy, kid? I won the fight. You happy?

T.J.: Yeah.

Billy: Yeah.

T.J.: The Champ...

Billy: Yeah.

T.J.: Always comes through.

Billy: That's right. That's right. Right.

[he dies]

Lope: What kind of bird is it, professor?

Professor Bromley: Oh, no bird...a giant pterydactyl...a flying reptile. It's been extinct for over 50 million years.

T.J.: Then what is it doing here?

Professor Bromley: Precisely...what is it doing here?

Professor Bromley: In the name of world science I beg you...I implore you to think again.

Tuck: Later, professor, we've got a show to put on.

Professor Bromley: A show! A show! But it's disgraceful to think of putting this fabulous creature on display in a cheap circus.

T.J.: We can do what we like with Gwangi. He's our property.

Professor Bromley: He belongs to us all, to mankind, to scientific research.

Tuck: Easy, professor.

T.J.: You can do your research in the time we give you. You can follow us on our world tour.

Professor: You must be mad...raving mad. World tour? We'll see what The Royal Society has to say about this.