Peter Simon Quotes in Love and Other Disasters (2006)

Therapist: Relationships are best measured by farting.

Peter Simon: Excuse me?

Therapist: The stages of a relationship can be defined by farting. Stage one is the conspiracy of silence. This is a fantasy period where both parties pretend that they have no bodily waste. This illusion is very quickly shattered by that first shy, "Ooh, did you fart," followed by the sheepish admission of truth. This heralds a period of deeper intimacy. A period I like to call the "Fart Honeymoon", where both parties find each other's gas just the cutest thing in the world. But, of course, no honeymoon can last forever. And so we reach the critical fork in the fart. Either the fart loses its power to amuse and embarrass thereby signifying true love, or else it begins to annoy and disgust, thereby symbolizing all that is blocked and rancid in the formerly beloved. Do you see what I'm getting at?

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: So stop living your life like you're in some kind of a movie.

Peter Simon: Excuse me?

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: Stop trying to cast your true love instead of just meeting him.

Peter Simon: When I meet him, I'll know.

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: I'm not so sure. Love isn't always a lightning bolt, you know? Maybe sometimes it's just a choice.

Peter Simon: Well, that's easy for you to say! You're flying to Argentina to meet the love of your life!

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: That's just it. I don't know that Paolo's the love of my life, but I've decided to give him the chance to be. Maybe true love is a decision. You know, a decision to take a chance with somebody, to give to somebody without worrying whether they'll give anything back, or if they're gonna hurt you, or if they really are the one. Maybe love isn't something that happens to you. Maybe it's something you have to choose.

Peter Simon: So what do I do?

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: Well, you could start by putting all of those fantasies of true love where they belong, into your work of fiction.

[Watching Breakfast at Tiffany's]

Peter Simon: This is your favourite film?

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: Look at me. Can't you tell?

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: An early departure? What are the chances of that? If this was a movie, there wouldn't be an early departure.

Peter Simon: If this was a movie, you'd be blonde.

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: If this was a movie, you'd be famous.

Peter Simon: That's the problem with life. It's nothing like movies.

Peter Simon: The point is there is no 'movie moment' because they both discover that true love is a process not an event.

Peter Simon: Jack's?

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: Hmm?

Peter Simon: What are you doing?

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: Reading this delicious recipe for beet root salad with margarine and balsamic vinegar dressing.

Peter Simon: What are you doing with James?

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: Nothing.

Peter Simon: You broke up with him a month ago.

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: I know. It's just sex. He fills a void. Literally.

Peter Simon: I don't see how you expect to meet someone new if you spend all of your time with your ex.

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: Good point. Maybe I should get back together with James so I spend less time with him.

Peter Simon: I don't think it's funny.

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: Neither do I.

Peter Simon: What's the point of shagging someone, ad nauseam, if you know you're never gonna love them?

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: It's not so simple.

Peter Simon: He's in love with you, Jacks, and you're not in love with him. It doesn't get more simpler than that.

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: That's not fair. I happen to care about James. A lot. And I hate the fact that he feels more than me, and I hate the fact that I'm not IN love with him because I know I should be, because he's smart and sweet and decent and I don't wanna hurt him. So I keep hoping that I'll grow into it. That maybe one day I'll wake up and I'll feel...

Peter Simon: What?

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: In love! You know, dizzy and feverish and nausea.

Peter Simon: That's not love, Jacks. That's the flu.

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: Well at least I'm trying, you big cynic.

Peter Simon: I'm not a cynic.

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: Well, when's the last time you even considered falling in love?

Peter Simon: Today!

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: I'm not talking about some character in a novel or a movie.

Peter Simon: Neither am I.

Talullah Riggs-Wentworth: So what's going on?

Peter Simon: Finlay thinks I should see his therapist.

Talullah Riggs-Wentworth: Finlay sees a therapist?

Peter Simon: Yeah. Some woman he says is really good with relationships.

Talullah Riggs-Wentworth: Maybe I should see her. I think I need to get in touch with my inner child.

Peter Simon: Talullah, if you get in touch with your inner child, you're going to need an inner nanny.

Talullah Riggs-Wentworth: I don't trust nannies. They're all whores.

Peter Simon: What about Mary Poppins?

Talullah Riggs-Wentworth: Slut.

Peter Simon: What are you talking abut?

Talullah Riggs-Wentworth: She left the convent, married Christopher Plummer, and then took all his children up the Alps.

Peter Simon: Speaking of 'The Sound of Music', where's Jacks?

Peter Simon: An affair? You've only been going out with him for two weeks! Who is he having an affair with?

Talullah Riggs-Wentworth: Me! I just found out he's married.

Peter Simon: News of my crush has just travelled across the Atlantic Ocean. David Williams is going to think I'm a needy, desperate freak.

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: Well, there's no point in pretending to be something you're not.

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: Baby, just remember, Marvin Bernsten may be a giant, but you're a giant in waiting.

Peter Simon: Yes, yes, I am! I have no idea what that means.

Emily 'Jacks' Jackson: Neither do I.