Jesse Heywood Quotes in The Shakiest Gun in the West (1968)

Jesse Heywood: [very drunk and slurring] I got on a romance track. Then I got on a gunslinger's track. I gotta get back on that dentist's track!

[looks at the saloon girl, who is passed out with her head on the table]

Jesse Heywood: Go ahead and laugh! Laugh all you like! I'm not a failure. I'm a dentist, a REAL dentist! And I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna spread dental health through the West like a plague!

[throws his arm out and falls down drunk]

Jesse Heywood: I can't believe it. Tonight's our wedding night. In a few hours we'll stop, make camp, have a little supper, then... beddy-bye.

Jesse Heywood: I'm in teeth. And I came out here all the way from Philadelphia, single-handed, to fight oral ignorance.

Jesse Heywood: [drunk] Failure, failure, failure, failure, failure, failure, failure. That's the story of my life, you know. Two things have always been my downfall - I have always been the most failure of anybody, and I'm too thin.

Saloon Girl: [drunk] But I don't think you're too thin.

Jesse Heywood: Ah, it's all bloat. Bloated thin failure! That's me.

[waggles both of his thumbs at himself]

Saloon Girl: I think you're wonderful. I just love a man that can't make his mark in life.

Jesse Heywood: Uhuh Penny, uhuh Penny, she's really something, you know that?

[looks at saloon girl questioningly]

Saloon Girl: [nods affirmatively] Uhuh.

Jesse Heywood: You know she used me. She tricked me.

[tearfully]

Jesse Heywood: She made me think that she loved me.

Saloon Girl: [shakes her head sympathetically] Ohhh...

Jesse Heywood: I should have known better.

[tearfully]

Jesse Heywood: Nobody ever loved me. Did you know I had to take my own cousin to the graduation dance?

Saloon Girl: [shakes her head sympathetically and tearfully] Ohhhhhhhhhh...

Jesse Heywood: I threw up on her dress.

Saloon Girl: [slurring] You are really my kind of guy.

Penelope 'Bad Penny' Cushings: You know something? You're a lot spunkier than I thought you were.

Jesse Heywood: I get that from my mother.

[drunk]

Jesse Heywood: [to the barkeep] Brush your dentist twice a day, visit your toothbrush once a year.

Rev. Zachary Gant: Reverend Zachary Grant and my minion Matthew Basch.

Jesse Heywood: Lovely couple.