Bea Quotes in Hideous Kinky (1998)

Bea: It's because I flooded the bathroom and the ceiling fell in and the cats ran off, that's when she started talking about Marocco and the sufi's. Mom says a sufi doesn't ask who a sufi is... so what the hell is a sufi anyway?

Julia: Every week a new set of men, have you noticed?

Bea: Prostitutes

Julia: Do you think so? Where did you learn that!

Julia: So, how was your first day at school?

Bea: Well, a little girl wet herself.

Julia: [laughs] And?

Bea: The teacher took her to the front of the class

[pause]

Bea: and beat her

[pause]

Bea: and beat her with a cane

[pause]

Bea: until she stopped crying and than she beat her some more

[pause]

Bea: and than the cane broke.

Julia: My God, you can't go back there.

Bea: Why not, of course I can.

[walks away, stops and turns around]

Bea: Only joking!

Lucy: Mom, when can we have rice pudding again?

Julia: As soon as the check comes from your father.

Bea: Sure, father Christmas!

Julia: London's cold, cold and sad. No camel, no Abdul's a jelliybean.

Bea: No scorpions.

Lucy: B, when you grow up would you like to be a shepherd?

Bea: No, I don't think so.

Bea: I'm an antique!

Grace: Yes you are.

Alex: [Sees her pill collection] That's quite a buffet you have there.

Bea: Thank you, Mr. President.

Bea: [singing] At the drive-in, in the old man's Ford, behind the bushes, till I'm screamin' for more. Woo!

Bea: Spaceshuttle!

Bea: [watching cooking shows] I want to eat the TV.

Mother: I think you have these qualities that you demand and when you meet a nice man you disqualify him for the smallest fault.

Bea: That's not true.

Mother: So, what was wrong with Nat Bernstein?

Bea: He wore white socks with a tuxedo!

Bea: Fred, you must know I have a little crush on you.

Fred: Please, Bea.

Bea: What is it? What's wrong?

Fred: Nothing. It's just I...

[Fred bursts into tears]

Bea: What's wrong? Is it still your fiancée? It's been such a long period of grief. It's not fair to you.

Fred: [crying] I know. I know. It's just that every time I hear that song on the radio my memory goes back to Leonard. That was our song.

Bea: Leonard?

Fred: My beloved.

Bea: You never said your fiancé's name was Leonard.

Fred: How could I?

Bea: [pauses, slowly starts to understand] I see. Just calm yourself. Would you like a drink?

Fred: No.

Bea: Just relax.

[Fred continues to cry; Bea tries to comfort him]

Bea: It's a nice song.

Frank Vecchio: So, what's the story Ritchie?

Mike Vecchio: Look, get off his back, let him work out his own problems.

Bea: You be quiet, we're not talking about marriage.

Frank Vecchio: We're talking about divorce.

Bea: If we were talking about marriage, you could talk.

Frank Vecchio: Marriage is different from divorce.

Bea: Frank, you want some veal?

Frank Vecchio: No, I don't want no more veal.

Bea: The butcher gave you good veal.

Frank Vecchio: He's a good butcher.

Bea: It's not veiny.

Frank Vecchio: I hate veiny veal.

Richie Vecchio: Don't you understand, Joan and I are just not happy together.

Frank Vecchio: You hear that, Beatrice? They're not happy together.

Bea: I heard, Frank.

Frank Vecchio: So who's happy?

Bea: Who's happy?

Frank Vecchio: What, do you see me running around dancing in the streets?

Bea: Do you see your father running around dancing in the streets?

Frank Vecchio: What are you, better than me? You think your mother and I are happy?

Richie Vecchio: You mean you and mom aren't happy?

Frank Vecchio: [together with Bea] No!

Richie Vecchio: Then why did you stay together?

Frank Vecchio: [pause] We're content.

Bea: We're content.

Frank Vecchio: These kids today, all they're looking for is happiness.

Bea: Don't look for happiness, Richie. It will only make you miserable.

Frank Vecchio: So, what's the story Ritchie?

Richie Vecchio: We're just not compatible.

Frank Vecchio: You hear that Beatrice, they're not compatible.

Bea: I heard, but I'm not listening, Frank.

Frank Vecchio: They're married for six years, all of a sudden they're looking to be compatible.

Bea: It's a phase they're going through.

Frank Vecchio: You stupid kids today, they don't know what to do with themselves, they get a divorce, for kicks.

Bea: That's what it is, Frank, kicks.

Richie Vecchio: Look, it's 1970, it happens to a lot of couples, there's nothing you can do about it.

Frank Vecchio: It's never happened in our family!

Bea: We don't believe in it.

Frank Vecchio: It happens to people who don't give a damn.

Bea: You think the king and queen of England would get a divorce?

Frank Vecchio: Of course not.

Bea: They don't believe in it.

Frank Vecchio: That's why they're together all these years.

Bea: They know what would happen to England if they broke up.

Frank Vecchio: Yeah, but our son believes in it.

Bea: He doesn't care what happens to England, he doesn't care what happens to anybody, it's 1970, so he's getting a divorce.

Bea: Your brother's getting married, how can you get a divorce?

Bea: I can understand her wanting to leave. But I can't understand her leaving.

Chester Kent: Where's Thompson?

Bea: Out for a few minutes.

Chester Kent: He'll be out for life if he doesn't stick closer to business.

Bea: Nan, are you busy?

Nan Prescott: No, just dreaming lazily about life.

Bea: If I were a man, I wouldn't be a lapdog tied to any woman's apron strings.

Scotty: I might surprise you.

Bea: You probably won't.

Andy: In 10 years, they're all going to be working as janitors at our high school. All of them.

Bea: There were like 40 people at that party.

Andy: It'll be a really clean high school.

Bea: You don't get disappointed by anything because everything's already disappointing.

Bea: You can give up, let yourself go... or grit your teeth and hang on like stupid people do.

Paul: Where's my wife? Where's Bea?

Bea: It's me.

Paul: What happened? You look like her, but you're not her. You have her toes... you have her toes. You have her knees. You have her thighs. You smell the same.

[kissing her]

Paul: You taste the same. But you're different. You're different.

Paul: I just wanna make you happy.

Bea: You do. I promise.

Paul: What's going on with you?

Bea: I'm tired. The drive, the wedding, the stress of everything is catching up to me.

Paul: Do you want to get married?

Bea: Yes, yes, that's all I want.

Paul: Rest your womb.

Bea: Oh... my womb?

Paul: Yeah.

Bea: Why did you say that?

Paul: I don't know. I don't know. I-I didn't mean anything. I'm gonna make the pancakes now.

Bea: It's just...

Paul: What?

Bea: I don't know.

Paul: You say. What?

Bea: Do you want to have a baby?

Paul: No... what? I don't know why I said womb. I was teasing about how hard I fucked you.