Yakov Smirnoff quotes:

If you have something important to say, Broadway and New York are great places to say it.

As Americans after 9/11, we're much more united, together as a nation, and we got stronger, better, and more at peace. By peace, I mean the harmony you can feel in our united determination to fight these terrorists and killers.

My father described this tall lady who stands in the middle of the New York harbor, holding high a torch to welcome people seeking freedom in America. I instantly fell in love.

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.

I have American in-laws, and I care about the environment. We don't use disposable diapers, which, of course, creates an environmental problem of our own.

The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington.

In today's society we sometimes forget to balance our hearts and our heads; this is the reason we stop laughing.

We may have forgotten how to feel. Nobody is teaching us how to live happily ever after, as we've heard in fairy tales.

After the Soviet Union collapsed, people thought I wasn't funny anymore.

Falling in love is a chemical reaction. But it wears off in a year. That's why you need a strong line of communication... which includes laughter.

In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!

In America, you assassinate president. In Soviet Russia, president assassinate you!

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.

I believe that love and laughter can only happen when one person takes the time to think about what would cause the other person to feel good.

The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.

Falling in love is a chemical reaction. But it wears off in a year.

Balance is so important in our lives. In our busy world, we can give ourselves balance between thinking and feeling.

When you like something, you find time to do it.

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart.

We have a choice - we can both think and feel, using our heads and our hearts.

I believe there is a direct correlation between love and laughter.

We have been learning since we were children how to make money, buy things, build things. The whole education system is set up to teach us how to think, not to feel.

Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.

Comedians are always hitting the topical notes that are on everybody's minds.

To my real estate agent, Chernobyl is a fixer-upper.

I was this non-threatening funny guy who contrasted the image of the Brezhnevs and the Reagans of the world.

Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection."

My father described this tall lady who stands in the middle of the New York harbor, holding high a torch to welcome people seeking freedom in America. I instantly fell in love."

In America, you drive car. In Soviet Russia, car drive you!

In America, your job determines your marks. In Soviet Russia, Marx determine your job!

In Soviet Russia, party always finds you!

In America, you break law. In Soviet Russia, law breaks you! In America, you watch Big Brother. In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watch you!

A Russian Reversal quote on Uncyclopedia's Soviet Union article? How original.

Americans think Soviets are so grim. I want them to see that they can smile.

I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter.

I came to America to make it my home, and I did.

I fed my ego, but not my soul.

I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to.

I was a comedian in Russia, and I worked on the cruise ships there. I met a lot of Americans, and they were laughing even though I didn't speak their language.

I was not only typecast as a Russian, but I was typecast as Yakov Smirnoff. This is understandable, and I was very happy to get the roles, but it would be nice to be in a movie where I could be someone else.

If love is the treasure, laughter is the key.

In every country, they make fun of city. In U.S. you make fun of Cleveland. In Russia, we make fun of Cleveland.

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

Men and women are immigrants in each other's worlds.

Never having alone time is real tough on people.

Russian men have a saying: "Women are like buses..." That's it.

When the needs of one person are being met by the other, there is laughter.