W. C. Fields quotes:

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.

The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

I like children - fried.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate all people equally.

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.

All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

I never met a kid I liked.

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.

A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.

Ain't fit for man nor beast

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.