Tom Deacon quotes:

Where I'm from, people aren't quick. A girl once asked her mum, 'Can I have a Cadbury's Creme Egg?' The mum said, 'No, you can't Danielle, I've already told you, darling - bird flu!'

I never know the right thing to say, especially during sex. After my first time, I said to the girl, 'That's it, I'm afraid'

I once buggered a man unconscious. I'm lying, he was already unconscious when I found him