Russell Howard quotes:

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there.

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".

I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.

Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.

The Bible says gays arent natural. What, and a talking snake is?!

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."

With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he didn't - he looked like someone had melted goat's cheese over a sex doll.'

So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say - 'Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You've all sucked on my tits.'

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?

I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade

I've never said flange to a monkey!

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!

Music's the best thing we do as humans, isn't it? Music, I mean you flail your limbs, make you move in a way you don't understand. Or it can make you weep like a sailor's wife staring at a storm.

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.