Peter Kay quotes:

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I'm not homophobic. I'm not scared of my house.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Garlic bread, it's the future, I've tasted it

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

I might be collecting wheely bins in 12 months time but at least they'll be wheely bins outside back gates that I know, in a part of the country that I love. There's no place like home!

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when your hand or head is stuck in something.

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

Amarillio, just turn to the left and 500 yards down

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

The most painful household accident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

You ever dip your biscuit in your tea and it breaks? I swear now, you never get used to that.