Leslie Nielsen quotes:

Yes, it's true, I've been called the Laurence Olivier of spoofs. I guess that would make Laurence Olivier the Leslie Nielsen of Shakespeare.

I had to weave and play around with a honey bear, you know, and I could wrestle with him a little bit, but there's no way you can even wrestle a honey bear, let alone a grizzly bear that's standing ten feet to eleven feet tall! Can you imagine? But it was fascinating to work that close to that kind of animal.

It's not really that I've been an advocate for hearing aids for a long time, it's just that I've been losing my hearing for a long time! So it's actually very important for me because I'm actually hearing impaired and I simply want to hear better!

I don't think anybody can really sit down and decide that their mission in life is to make people think. I think their mission in life is to leave people alone!

Shirley! Don't call me Shirley!

Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts.

There's an old saying that God exists in your search for him. I just want you to understand that I ain't looking.

There were 15 people in the village, including five of us. If my father arrested somebody in the winter, he'd have to wait until the thaw to turn him in.

The violence or the vaudeville style of comedy is a technique all by itself. You get up there, and you are a comedian, and you're doing one thing. That is, you're going to make the audience laugh.

Are you having problems hearing? If so, those around you already know it. Hearing loss is no laughing matter, so don't be a punchline.

I have always loved science fiction. One of my favorite shows is 'Star Trek.' I like the trips, where it drops my mind off, because they give you a premise and all of a sudden, you say, 'Oh!' and I'm fascinated by it.

I really have to keep an eye on myself, because sometimes I think I might say something important.

The reason there's a question mark on my front door is just in case I forget my address.

I played a lot of leaders, autocratic sorts; perhaps it was my Canadian accent.

Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.

Like a midget at a urinal I was going to have to stay on my toes.

You know it's very difficult to be an actor, and to have people depending on you to say the right line, at the right time, and to not be able to hear your cues! I can't tell you how many times I would've had to have said What? if I didn't have my hearing aids. So my hearing aids are a life saver, and they allow me to practice my craft.

I'm afraid if I don't keep moving, they're going to catch me ... I am 81 years old and I want to see what's around the corner, and I don't see any reason in the world not to keep working. But I am starting to value my down time a great deal because I am realizing there might be other things to do that I am overlooking.

It was a boy's name first.

The reason they call it 'golf' is that all the other 4 letter words were used up.

It's been dawning on me slowly that for the past 35 years I have been cast against type, and I'm finally getting to do what I really wanted to do.

I love comedy and I hope I never stop doing it.

I used to have this dream that somebody was knocking at my door. I'd say 'Who is it?' and they'd answer 'Police.' I'd open the door and they would say to me, 'Pack your bags. We realized you have no talent.

I've always been part of comedy. One of the things about our family was that if we were reasonably funny with each other, particularly my two brothers and myself, when my father was upset with something you'd want to make sure in some way you made him laugh. Because when he didn't laugh, you were in trouble!

I like that kind of 'straight-faced' comedy. I like to be straight-faced and outrageous.

I would love to see what's going to happen with science fiction with peoples' heads, because we still have people running around in the year 2050 or 2100 or 2200 and they have incredible technology and you see the effects: laser beams and rays and beaming down and beaming up. Incredible technical things happening, but everybody is still running around jealous, fighting, whacking, cheating. There's got to be something going on! Some kind of change. I'd like to see something starting to happen in that area, with the psychology of the human being and how that changed.

Do your part to silence gossip - don't repeat it.

Doing nothing is very tough to do because you never know when you're finished. The upside is that from the moment you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.

I had always functioned with dignity, wanting to appear intelligent, macho, never vulnerable or insecure. But now I realize that... a part of these comic characters is a fundamental part of me too.

I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.

I'm a professional actor. If I was a plumber, I wouldn't just do my plumbing in Beverly Hills bathrooms; I'd like to install air conditioning units and a few other things.

I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr. Poopy Pants?

In episodic television you'll have a good guy who's on every week and that's his show! He's the regular on it, and you're not going to be "gooder" than he is; I mean, he's the guy who's got to solve your problem! So if you're playing a good guy, you have to have a problem, and he's going to solve it for you. And the only really strong dramatic part is the heavy, because the meaner and crueler and rottener you are, the better the good guy looks when he whips ya' at the end because he always is gonna whip ya! So, the best dramatic guest shot is the heavy.

It doesn't really matter where I go (Heaven or Hell). I'll have plenty of friends in both places.

I've finally found my home - as Lt. Frank Drebin.

Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.

One thing a person won't do when he's laughing is try to beat you up.

Sometimes integrity is a punch in the face.

The actual distance a bad golfer is going to hit the ball with any club obviously depends on many factors, not the least of which is whether the ball was actually hit at all.

The reason they call if 'golf' is that all the other 4 letter words were used up.

Those who the gods seek to destroy first, learn how to play golf.

When you see Charlie Chaplin, he stays funny. He doesn't become drama, and so what really seems to endure is comedy.

Any sport that comes from Scotland is good!