Kinky Friedman quotes:

If Willie Nelson had been Rosa Parks, there never would have been a civil rights movement in this country, because he refuses to leave the back of the bus.

Jerry Jones and Chris Christie are probably the most important latent homosexual relationship since Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.

Students don't know who Mark Twain was because he wasn't on the test.

Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people.

How can you look at the Texas legislature and still believe in intelligent design?

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

I believe that Willy Nelson is the hillbilly Dalai Lama.

I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes.

I'm not afraid to live. I'm not afraid to fail. I'm not afraid to succeed. I'm not afraid to fall in love. I'm not afraid to be alone. I'm just afraid I might have to stop talking about myself for five minutes.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

The Democrats and Republicans are the same guy admiring themself in the mirror.

We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we're winning.

The only currency I value is the coin of the spirit. That's very important in my life.

No, nothing has changed in my life at all, and nothing would change if I had millions.

I never apologize for the truth. And the truth here is that racists come in many different colors.

Yes, I'm a Judeo-Christian. Jesus and Moses are in my heart, and... both of them were independents, by the way.

The teachers are getting screwed, blued, and tattooed by the system.

A happy childhood... is the worst possible preparation for life.

And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And, hell, beauticians can better run the state than politicians.

I came from an upper-middle class home, which is always a hard cross for a country singer to bear.

I'll tell you right now. I'm for prayer in school.

I don't remember the first half of my life. All I say is a happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life.

We've got to clear some of the room out of the prisons so we can put the bad guys in there, like the pedophiles and the politicians.

The good teachers are bailing out. Education is very important.... This should be the centerpiece on the table of Texas.

Cuban cigars is a big expense because I do smoke a lot of them, eight to 12 a day, so that would be almost as bad as a cocaine habit, a hundred bucks a day.

I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.

Politics is the only field in which the more experience you have, the worse you get.

I'm going to lower the drinking age to eighteen. If you're old enough to die in Iraq, you're old enough to drink.

May the God of your choice bless and keep you. I respect Him as long as He does not circumcise me anymore.

You struggle with your demons and you conquer them.

People are drooling for the truth. They want honesty from politicians, and they're not getting it.

Now I have a cat. Well, that's not quite accurate. A cat and I have each other.

Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.

All my adult life I've been in the practice of giving advice to people who are happier than I am.

I admit I was drinking a Guinness... but I did not swallow.

I have a better head of hair than Rick Perry; it's just not in a place I can show you.

This is called "spiritual lifting." It's not heavy lifting. The governor of Texas should not be confused with Arnold Schwarzenegger. That's a powerful position. The governor of Texas can't do any heavy lifting really. It's not that powerful a position.

And I'll tell you another thing, you won't find any candidate that supports prayer in school and gay marriage. For that reason alone, people should vote for an independent-thinking person.

My three favorite travel writers of all time are Robert Louis Stevenson, Graham Greene, and Chuck Thompson. Smile When You're Lying not only tells the truth about the travel-writing racket, it gets to the heart of some of the travel industry's best-kept secrets.

The distance between the limousine and the gutter is a short one.

Most people, of course, spend their lives caring about the wrong things. The worry about South Africa or Nicaragua. They spend so much time finding themselves that they lose their taxicabs. They don't see that what kind of napkin you get at a delicatessen is a matter of much significance in the world today. That's why they don't get linen.

I don't think I have even achieved fame. Of course, Hemingway says that fame is death's little sister.

Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.

This system is really broken. No Child Left Behind has really failed and the only way to solve education is to leave one governor behind.

I'll keep us out of war with Oklahoma!

Poly means more than one, and ticks are bloodsucking parasites.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

No matter where you go, you always see yourself in the rearview mirror.

These days, there are many people around the world who listen to the songs that made me infamous and read the books that made me respectable.

If you ain't Texan, I ain't got time for you.

The best fiction is true.

The first thing I'll do if elected is demand a recount.

But the most dangerous thing in the world in the world is to run the risk of waking up one morning and realizing suddenly that all this time you've been living without really and truly living and by then it's too late. When you wake up to that kind of realization, it's too late for wishes and regrets. It's even too late to dream.

Golf is the only opportunity that middle-aged WASPs have to dress up like a pimp.

Finding a cat--or having a cat find you--can change your world as much as marriage, divorce, love, death, or even winning the lottery can, and sometimes more.

I've always said money may buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail.

You have to pretend that your life is a financial pleasure even when your autographs are bouncing.

William Bennett is my patron saint, one of them. Redd Foxx is another.

I don't apologize to people who try to intimidate.

When I'm governor... I'll be the first governor with a listed telephone number.

I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care.

We were a country band with a social conscience.

Young people are the key to this election.

Always beware of people offering you one-time money. That only works in an election year. How are you going to permanently pay for education?

Always respect your superiors, if you have any.

Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her.

Friday night was the night most people thought they were supposed to have fun. Trouble was most people didn't know what fun was or how to have it, so things usually ended up pretty ugly.

God created whiskey to keep the Irish from taking over the world.

Happiness is a moving target.

He looked a shade too healthy and nobody likes that. Particularly in New York.

I am not anti-death penalty, but I'm damned sure anti-the-wrong-guy-getting-executed.

I believe that voices like Ross Perot (search), Pat Buchanan, Ralph Nader should be heard. They don't have to be president. Give 'em a chance.

I don't believe in carrying a weapon. If somebody wants to shoot me, he'll have to bring his own gun.

I don't feel bad about losing.

I don't see how the people who created the problem can fix it. Texas is worth fighting for, and the best way to fight is to get the politicians out of politics.

I don't think where people come from is that important. It doesn't matter if you come from reality TV. The question is whether you can inspire people.

I rarely meddled in the cat's personal affairs and she rarely meddled in mine. Neither of us was foolish enough to attribute human emotions to our pets.

I see an issue I like, and I support it.

I suffer from the curse of being multi-talented. There's no doubt about it. Politics and literature have gotten in the way of songwriting.

I want to be governor [of Texas] because I need the closet space.

I want to fight the wussification of the State of Texas. I want to rise and shine and bring back the glory.

I want to see a Jew in the White house.

I was so high, I needed a stepladder to scratch my own ass.

I'd felt that a man without a woman was like a neck without a pain.

If Jesus Christ had run as an independent, Rick Perry would have beat him.

If Raymond Chandler came from the South, his name would be Ace Atkins.

If you don't love Jesus-go to hell!

If you elect me the first Jewish justice of the peace, I'll reduce the speed limits to 54.95!

If you gotta kill two birds, might as well get stoned.

If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.

If you're going to be an artist, you need to be an original.

If you're lookin' for a helpin' hand, try the one at the end of your arm.

If you're paranoid long enough, sooner or later you're gonna be right.

If you're patient and you wait long enough, something will usually happen and it'll usually be something you don't like.

I'll sign anything except bad legislation.

I'm also for gay marriage, because I say they have every right to be just as miserable as the rest of us. Love is bigger than government. And Texas, by the way, has a very progressive law about gay couples adopting kids. We just won't let them get married. So that's not common sense.

I'm not for the parties. I'm for Texas.

I'm not pro-life, and I'm not pro-choice. I'm pro-football.

I'm ready for anything. That's probably why it never happens.

I'm well aware that the Nelson Mandelas and the Winston Churchills of the world happened by accident. They usually come out of nowhere.

In six days the Lord created the heavens and the earth and all the wonders therein. There are some of us who feel that He might have taken just a little more time.

Inspiration thing is important, to teach the kids that JFK is not an airport, RFK's not a stadium, Martin Luther King ain't a street

It wasn't a healthy attitude, but it wasn't really a healthy world.

I've achieved many of my dreams, and I want to see that some others get a chance to, especially younger Texans.

Man's ability to delude himself is infinite.

May the God of your choice bless you.

My definition of an artist is anyone who's ahead of his time and behind on his rent.

My goal as a young man, to be fat, famous and financially fixed by 50.

My plan is to bring back like the Bracero Program (search) from 1944 that ran for 20 years where the Mexican government vets these people. I mean, they pay for it, and they get green cards, and they're actually legitimate. And then seal the border.

On the whole I prefer cats to women because cats seldom if ever use the word 'relationship'.

One thing we are sure of is there's no one like Nelson Mandela out there. That's too bad for us.

People may surprise you with unexpected kindness. Dogs have a depth of loyalty that often we seem unworthy of. But the love of a cat is a blessing, a privilege in this world.

Politics is the only field in which the more experience you have, the worse you get,

Remember, I'm not running against Rick Perry; I'm running against apathy.

Remember, the Legislature is the joke, not our campaign.

Seventeen publishers rejected the manuscript, at which time we knew we had something pretty hot.

Simón Bolívar is the only person in history to be exiled from a country named after him.

Sleep came slower than a frigid woman.

Sometimes performing someone else's song is more difficult than writing your own.

That's the government. Having been a politician and a musician, I can tell you which one is a higher calling. If musicians ran the country, it would be a much different place. We wouldn't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'd work late.