Joe E. Lewis quotes:

They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.

It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money.

You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough.

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty.

You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.

If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.

I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.

I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks

It pays to get drunk with the best people.

I drink to forget I drink.

I don't drink anymore - just the same amount.

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something!

If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.

There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.

I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.

I met with an accident on the way to the track; I arrived safely.

Boys, I have been rich and I have been poor, and believe me being rich is better.

I never went to school beyond the 3rd grade, but my mother taught me the difference between right and wrong.

We can afford almost any mistake once.