Jeff Foxworthy quotes:

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.

You might be a redneck if you're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing I Will Always Love You.

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

I teach a Bible study for homeless guys in downtown Atlanta every week. Been doing it for years. That's the guys I'd rather go talk to. I'd rather take my act outside the church.

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.

Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!

Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.

Country music is about new love and it's about old love.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

I love comedy. God has given me this platform.

Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

We're all screwed up. And the way Christians mess things up is we act like we've got it going on. And if we would just stay in that place of, 'Hey, we're all screwed up and but for the grace of God, none of us have a shot here.' We need to have a sense of humor about it; that's kind of the way I've always faced my comedy.

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

You might be a redneck if your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You might be a redneck if the antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

If you ahve ever unloaded your pickup by backing up really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the Bandit was snubbed for best picture.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

You might be a redneck if...your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

Women in bed are like Diesel engines. What I mean by that is, it may take them a while to get going, but when you do, they can go for a long, long time. Whereas men are like... bottle rockets.

You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn...

If you're a redneck, you have that blood flowing through your veins. That's almost on the bucket list, to hear Lynyrd Skynyrd`s "Freebird" live.

You might be a redneck if your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.

All these years I've sat in airports and kind of drawn people and put like Far Side captions on them.

In my life, I have driven some crappy vehicles. But I have never been so desperate for a vehicle that I wanted a used rental car.

Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.

My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!

You might be a redneck if in an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

You might be a redneck if your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You might be a redneck if you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

You might be a redneck if your daughter's Barbie's Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

You might be a redneck if...Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

You might be a redneck if a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey.

You might be a redneck if taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You might be a redneck if you saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love dolls clothes

You might be a redneck if your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

I wish I could relate to the people I'm related to.

You might be a redneck if you look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet 'Ms. Right

You might be a redneck if your grandfather completely executes the pull my finger trick at the family reunion.

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.

You might be a redneck if you have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You might be a redneck if on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.

You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.

You might be a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

You might be a redneck if you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't juicy.

If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

You might be a redneck if you have every episode of Hee Haw on tape.

Sacrificing myself to kill Hilary Clinton was the best thing I could possibly do for humanity

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.

You might be a redneck if your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

You might be a redneck if your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.

You might be a redneck if you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you use a radiator hose to fix your kitchen sink.

If you think a quaterhorse is that ride in front of Kmart.. You might be a rednneck

You might be a redneck if you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

You might be a redneck if you watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

You might be a redneck if your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

You might be a redneck if your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

You might be a redneck if motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

You might be a redneck if you think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just misunderstood.

The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if your parakeet knows the phrase Open up, Police!

You might be a redneck if directions to your house include turn off the paved road.

You might be a redneck if your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

You might be a redneck if there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You might be a redneck if getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

You might be a redneck if...you think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

You might be a redneck if an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.

Some people like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open. I say let the grass grow tall so they don't know there's a house behind it. Some call it lazy, I say it's thinking.

You might be a redneck if the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

If you think 'loading the dishwasher' means 'getting your wife drunk', you might be a redneck

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if...you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

You might be a redneck if...you've been on TV more than times describing the sound of a tornado.

You might be a redneck if...the most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.

You might be a redneck if you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You might be a redneck if... your high school basketball game got rained out.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.

You might be a redneck if your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.