Jay London quotes:

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

I saw a stationery store move.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I model irregular clothing.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

His puppyhood was a period of foolish rebellion. He was always worsted, but he fought back because it was his nature to fight back. And he was unconquerable.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart,

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.