Ian Holloway quotes:

I watched Arsenal in the Champions League the other week playing some of the best football I've ever seen and yet they couldn't have scored in a brothel with two grand in their pockets!

He's going to be what?! Oh for God's sake. Sir David Beckham? You're having a laugh. He's just a good footballer with a famous bird.

Paul Furlong is my vintage Rolls Royce and he cost me nothing. We polish him, look after him, and I have him fine tuned by my mechanics. We take good care of him because we have to drive him every day, not just save him for weddings.

I feel like I've been on EastEnders all my life and now I'm playing King Lear.

I love Blackpool. We're very similar. We both look better in the dark.

Sepp Blatter and all of them lot Mr Platini I know he was a good player but he aint very good at what he does, I don't think. I think he's useless you can quote me on that.

Apparently it's my fault that the Titanic sank.

I am more than happy at Blackpool and I am afraid the chairman will need a hell of a tub of cream to get rid of me - I'm like a bad rash and not easily curable.

In football you need to have everything in your cake mix to make the cake taste right. One little bit of ingredient that Tony Pulis uses in his cake gets talked about all the time is Rory's throw. Call that cinnamon and he's got a cinnamon flavoured cake.

Managing a league club is like making love to a mermaid... you should always be aiming for a top half finish

My wife runs the house much better than I could so I think she could be a linesman or a referee or even a football manager and that's the truth.

I might be in a bit of a Skoda garage rather than a Mercedes garage, but I am telling you some old bangers don't half polish up great.

My old trainer used to tell us not to blast, but to caress the ball whenever we took possession. If the ball were a woman... she would be spending all night with Berbatov.

I've got four women in my house - my wife and my three daughters - and I tell you what, it's pretty scary. I keep my head down and if we're out shopping I try and look in a man's shop while they make their minds up.

Roy Keane's like a shark. He has those eyes. You don't know if he is going to buy you a drink or eat you.

This club needs an impetus of energy - but I just feel tired to be honest. I'm worn out.

The dietician is going to get rid of that when he comes in. Although, first, we've got to get a dietician.

It's all very well having a great pianist playing but it's no good if you haven't got anyone to get the piano on the stage in the first place, otherwise the pianist would be standing there with no bloody piano to play.

There was a spell in the second half when I took my heart off my sleeve and put it in my mouth.

I couldn't be more chuffed if I were a badger at the start of the mating season!

You never count your chickens before they hatch. I used to keep parakeets and I never counted every egg thinking I would get all eight birds. You just hoped they came out of the nest box looking all right. I'm like a swan at the moment. I look fine on top of the water but under the water my little legs are going mad.

I feel like a steaming cow-pat - or a car that's clocked up 400,000 miles in one journey.

To put it in gentleman's terms, if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, you've done what you set out to do. We didn't look our best today but we pulled. Some weeks the lady is good looking and some weeks she's not. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She may not have been the best looking lady we ended up taking home but it was still very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much and let's have coffee.

I don't see the problem with footballers taking their shirts off after scoring a goal? They enjoy it and the young ladies enjoy it too. I suppose that's one of the main reasons women come to football games, to see the young men take their shirts off. Of course they'd have to go and watch another game because my lads are as ugly as sin.

Every dog has its day - and today is woof day! Today I just want to bark.

It was lucky that the linesman wasn't stood in front of me as I would have poked him with a stick to make sure he was awake.

Sometimes when you aim for the stars, you hit the moon.

If I fell into a barrel of boobs, I'd come out sucking my thumb

My ceiling's broken, my car's got a puncture and we've just lost two matches. But I've got my health and I'll ask the big man upstairs why he didn't give us a point.

If you're a burglar, it's no good waiting about outside somebody's house, looking good with your swag bag ready. Just get in there, burgle them and come out. I don't advocate that obviously, it's just an analogy.

You can say that strikers are very much like postmen: they have to get in and out as quick as they can before the dog starts to have a go.