Howard Stern quotes:

  • I'm sickened by all religions. Religion has divided people. I don't think there's any difference between the pope wearing a large hat and parading around with a smoking purse and an African painting his face white and praying to a rock.

  • I've actually apologized to some people I was a real jerk to, because I feel ashamed. I didn't need to be that hungry. There was something going on inside me when I was angry and feeling very threatened and not feeling good about myself.

  • I'm down with just the Backstreet Boys.

  • Late night television is ready for someone like me... standards have gone to an all-time low.

  • You've got to be a little vicious. You've got to be narcissistic. You've got to be on fire about your career.

  • I'm for legalizing marijuana. Why pick on those drugs? Valium is legal. You just go to a doctor and get it and overdose on it - what's the difference? Prozac, all that stuff, so why not marijuana? Who cares? It's something that grows out of the ground - why not? Go smoke a head of cabbage. I don't care what you smoke.

  • I was told David Letterman and Kaufman had heart attacks on the same day: David Letterman's heart attack was at a hospital in NYC. Kaufman's heart attack was at the red light district in Amsterdam, Holland. I think Kaufman had more fun. You're a great artist. I just love the way you painted my portrait.

  • My mother was very involved with me. And we had a dialogue constantly. And it was like an umbilical cord. As long as the words were flowing back and forth we were connected and feeding each other. And I probably grew up very afraid of losing that connection.

  • Mike Walker is the Hemingway of gossip.

  • I think I'm probably a little too desperate to be successful.

  • We are busy planning the launch of the channel. I am busy planning all kinds of events that go on the channel without me. I have started producing a sound for the channel.

  • I will never vote Democrat again, they are Communists.

  • I seem to be some sort of lightning rod. I just really irritate people, you know? I really do.

  • Every time I went on the radio, I would take the crummiest radio station, the station that was like a toilet bowl. I would go on there and build up the ratings, so you couldn't do any worse.

  • And rather than hide that, I would rather put that out on the radio and let someone see the full range of emotions. If you're going to be strong on the radio, you got to let it all out, even the ugly stuff. And you can't apologize for it.

  • If you're a Christian you don't sit there and worry about what somebody else is doing, if they're happy and they're committed in a relationship.

  • It causes me great pain to sue the company I work for. Nevertheless, I had to do it. Suffice it to say, there's a dispute and I believe I haven't been given what is mine."

  • Why be uptight about bowel movements and sex? We all have sex. We all have penises -- except for those of us who have vaginas.

  • The New York Times' list is a bunch of crap. They ought to call it the editor's choice. It sure isn't based on sales.

  • I believe I am doing the work for humanity. This show is so uplifting.

  • Okay, well, I guess I'm still a kid. Because when I get really angry and fired up and I feel like my back is up against the wall, I will say vicious things.

  • When you hire me, you hire a nut who is going to work 24 hours a day for you and never, ever burn his audience.

  • Most of the things I do are misunderstood. Hey, after all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true geniuses, is it not?

  • I'm trapped inside of me and I don't go out at all. I go to bed at eight o'clock at night. I never go out during the week. I'm in psychotherapy four days a week, pretty heavy commitment to it.

  • I don't think there's one thing I've ever said on the radio that would have been found indecent or obscene.

  • My show was revolutionary, ground-breaking. When I came on the scene, people were not doing a thing.

  • What a crazy idea to put me on a family show!

  • Set about doing good to somebody. Put on your hat and go and visit the sick and poor of your neighborhood; inquire into their circumstances and minister to their wants. Seek out the desolate and afflicted and oppressed. . . I have often tried this method, and have always found it the best medicine for a heavy heart.

  • I am completely pissed off that I'm circumcised.

  • I am circumcised, and I tell you something, I despise it. I despise it. I despise it... I am completely pissed off that I'm circumcised.

  • It causes me great pain to sue the company I work for. Nevertheless, I had to do it. Suffice it to say, there's a dispute and I believe I haven't been given what is mine.

  • Well, first of all, I'm worth every penny.

  • I've never come into anything successful before. I've always been hired by horrible radio stations with horrendous reputations and nothing to lose.

  • I'm the voice of honesty.

  • I've come to appreciate other people's talents.

  • Don't let the government win.

  • Here's what happens when you die--you sit in a box and get eaten by worms. I guarantee you that when you die, nothing cool happens.

  • I believe in censorship when it benefits me.

  • I can't imagine the biggest blow to me was that marriage not working out. That just flipped me out.

  • I didn't listen to executives.

  • I don't like being 50 and I don't like thinking about death.

  • I don't talk about my salary.

  • I don't think any religion makes any sense and I think people who are into that are really getting duped, and I don't think Judaism makes any more sense than Christianity, and I don't think Christianity makes any more sense than Scientology. But here's a guy, L. Ron Hubbard, who told all his friends, 'Look, I'm gonna start a religion, 'cause I can't make any money as a science fiction writer.' I mean, he admitted that publicly! At least with Jesus Christ, you can't go talk to the guy.

  • I feel blessed, I really feel fulfilled.

  • I really didn't know much about the Libertarians. I knew they were for less government and more individual freedom. I liked that.

  • I still feel like I gotta prove something. There are a lot of people hoping I fail. But I like that. I need to be hated.

  • I think I could create a cult, no problem. The hard part is getting people to kill themselves.

  • I think people of lesser talent will become stars.

  • I wanted to go hide. I wasn't looking to be more famous, I'm famous enough.

  • I will always be mad at someone. That will never go away.

  • I will never feel successful.

  • I'm a believer that satellite radio, whether I'm on it or not, will take off.

  • I'm a parent, and I regulate what my kids listen to. I don't need the government to be the parent. If I'm a crappy parent, then I need the government involved.

  • I'm about being funny. If I can make a joke using profanity, I will. But for the most part, that can get awfully old and boring.

  • I'm at a point in my career, I've been around a long time now, over 35 years in broadcasting. I don't worry about much. I respect what America's Got Talent is. It is a family show. It is a show that I love.

  • I'm going to take over the world. Everyone watch out, you're in big trouble.

  • I'm in a war, a cultural war.

  • I'm not a good listener some times. I'm too much of a control freak. I'm learning to be better. I was so caught up in just getting the job done that I would miss out on the human aspect of this. There was a connection missing.

  • I'm not looking for a paycheck.

  • I'm on the air five hours, and I blurt out anything in my head. Dangerous? Maybe.

  • I'm sure some people might be offended by that, but this is my feeling about show business. It's not all about pure talent. There are certain people who command a stage because they look good ,like me.

  • It's no treat being in bed with me.

  • It's okay for a man to commit adultery if his wife is ugly.

  • I've always been about honesty, whether on the radio, whether I did a movie, whether I wrote a book. As long as you're honest, you don't lose your edge.

  • I've always thought that a name says a lot about a person. So naturally, being named Howard, I always wanted to crawl into a hole.

  • Please, with the God talk. Hate to break it to you, but there is no God.

  • Relationships are based on trust until you meet someone new.

  • Rick Shapiro is a top comedian.

  • Talent is what drives this world ... Doesn't matter how many satellites you f---ing stick in the air.

  • There are a lot of so-called "good Americans" who are really a bunch of bums.

  • There are things that I won't do on the radio. I mean, the next logical question is, what won't you do. I say, well, you know, you've got to find out when you're on the air.

  • There's just too many people being bullied, too many people's lives being wrecked. This is something that is long overdue. We all have gay and lesbian people in our families, and these are good people.

  • These nutbags, like Santorum and Bachmann, who make these people and especially young gay kids feel miserable, shame on them. They're quacks. I would never vote for them. I wouldn't even listen to them because there but for the grace of God go they.

  • This country (United States) has too many freedoms.

  • We all get one life to live here. It's 2012, and for gay and lesbian couples who are in love, not to be able to be married is so absurd.

  • You have to make a decision, what you want to do in life, ... Your deal can be, you can leave tomorrow. Soon as you leave, you will be forgotten.

  • I believe we will start believing in God as we get closer to death.