Harry Hill quotes:

The mobile phone, the fax, emails. Call me old fashioned, but what's wrong with a chain of beacons?

You can tell a lot about someone's personality if you know his star sign -Jesus, born on 25 December, fed the five thousand, walked on water -typical Capricorn.

I went to a restaurant the other day called 'Taste of the Raj.' The waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

You might heckle me now - but when I get home, I've got a chicken in the oven.

My dad used to say 'Always fight fire with fire,' which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.

I have a really nice step ladder, sadly, I never knew my real ladder.

I knew I was going bald when it was taking longer and longer to wash my face.