H. Allen Smith quotes:

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists.

On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks.

Hate-on-the-highway is an institution occupying a high place in our modern civilization....The godawful glares that drivers exchange as they pass each other, the mutual hatred between motorist and pedestrian, these manifestations seem to constitute the ultimate in righteous wrath.

Put it back in the horse! [on tasting his first American beer].

Cats are people, and the sooner the world accepts that fact, the better off the world will be.

Personally, I never admired communists because they operate on the theory that human beings are nice people.

Put it back in the horse!

Never buy anything with a handle on it. It means work.

There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.

We believe in healthy, hearty laughter -- at the expense of the whole human race, if needs be. Needs be.