Gelett Burgess quotes:

To appreciate nonsense requires a serious interest in life.

Ah, yes! I wrote the "Purple Cow" - I'm sorry, now, I wrote it! But I can tell you anyhow, I'll kill you if you quote it!

If in the last few years you have not discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead.

Love endeth like the chianti flask, its drops are bitter.

Count no matron happy until she hath passed thirty, and hath not waxed fat.

If in the last few years you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead.

If thou makest a statement concerning women, lo, she shall immediately try to disprove it straightway. She goeth by contraries.

Some women are to be captured by storm and some taken by siege; yet if there be not a traitor in her heart that shall deliver up the garrison, thou shalt not prevail over her.

As the dog becomes thoroughbred in the laws of clan and caste; obedient, fraternal and loyal; so is the man who accepts the gentleman's code.

There is indeed no such thing in life as absolute darkness; one's eyes revolt and hasten to fill the vacuum by floating in sparks, dream patterns, figures whimsical and figures grotesque, shifting and clad in complementary colors, to appease the indignant cups and rods of the retina.

A maiden's first kiss cometh hard, yea, it is as the first olive out of a bottle, requiring much skill; but the rest are easy.

A reproof entereth more into a woman of sense than an hundred compliments into a fool.

A wedding in haste is worth two at leisure.

Beware of a woman who signeth not her name to her letters; she will bear watching, aye, she hath a past.

Can a woman entertain a man and a pet at the same time? I say unto thee, one of the twain shall suffer jealousy.

Every person has some splendid traits and if we confine our contacts so as to bring those traits into action, there is no need of ever being bored or irritated or indignant.

In the mind of a woman, to give birth to a child is the short cut to omniscience.

It was Matisse who took the first step into the undiscovered land of the ugly.

Imagination is like a lofty building reared to meet the sky; whereas fancy is a balloon that soars at the wind's will.

The world is full of women, and the women full of wile; so that a man, if he goeth not warily withal, shall surely fall a prey thereunto.

Son, if a maiden love thee, thou shalt appear handsome in her sight; she shall praise thine eyes, and the corners of thy mouth, yea, she shall admire thy hands. Though thou wert even as the orangutan yet shall she paint thee with fancies.

I never saw a purple cow; I never hope to see one; But I can tell you, anyhow, I'd rather see than be one.

A good woman would rather be the mother of a genius than the wife of a hero

A woman and a mouse, they carry a tale wherever they go.

A woman findeth in her last lover much of her first love; but a man seeth his next-to-the-last love, alway.

As the cat lapses into savagery by night, and barbarously explores the dark, so primal and titanic is a woman with the love madness.

Her heart is older than her head; yea, her emotion is the mother of her reason

Hurry not a woman's favor; neither forcer her hastily to surrender to thee. For she goeth into love as she goeth into the waters at the seashore; first a hand and then a lip goeth she in by littles. She diveth not, she leapeth not from the pier; but by gentle shocks and cries of protest she entereth slowly; yet when the waters of love encompass her, then she is supported. She swimmeth in her joy; she floateth on the tide of happiness.

If you wish to be positive, which means youthful, never speak of the past any more than you can help.

It is in the blood of genius to love play for its own sake, and whether one uses one's skill on thrones or women, swords or pens, gold or fame, the game's the thing.

Love is only chatter, friends are all that matter.

Many a maid have I won by a quarrel, when flattery was in no wise helpful; but take heed that thou art in the wrong, so that thou mayest acknowledge thine error.

Maxims are like lawyers who must need to see but one side of the case.

Men like to pursue an elusive woman like a cake of wet soap - even men who hate baths.

Most women have all other women as adversaries; most men have all other men as their allies.

My feet, they haul me Round the House, They hoist me up the Stairs; I only have to steer them, and They Ride me Everywheres.

My son, beware of a plain damsel who charmeth thee, for she needeth much wile, and useth diverse weapons.

No man knoweth how another man maketh his love, for women tell not.

Old friends, we say, are best, when some sudden disillusionment shakes our faith in a new comrade.

Our bodies are apt to be our autobiographies.

Propose not to a woman when she hath gotten a new frock, nor when she is puffed up with victories; when she reigneth and rejoiceth in her hour of triumph, come not nigh unto her; but when she be ill or weary, when she is cast down in spirit and needeth a comforter, then be thou ready, and make thy suit.

Repeat not the manner of a flirtation; for lo, all the world shall hear of it, and women will taunt thee.

Son, heed my instruction, and apply thyself to know women; let thine eyes observe her when she is with another, for what she doeth with him, she will do with thee, also.

Style is doing things not in any way but in the best way.

The fear of women is the beginning of knowledge.

The old say, "I remember when." The young say, "What's the news?"

The temptation to vivify the tale and make it walk abroad on its own legs is hard to deny.

there are no roads in all Bohemia !

There is work that is work and there is play that is play; there is play that is work and work that is play. And in only one of these lies happiness.

Thinking a smile all the time will keep your face youthful.

To make fun of a person to his face is a brutal way of amusing one's self; be delicate and cunning, and keep your laugh in your sleeve, lest you frighten away your game.

To take the world as one finds it

Verily, men do foolish things thoughtlessly, knowing not why; but no woman doeth aught without a reason.

When the waitress puts the dinner on the table, the old men look at the dinner. The young men look at the waitress.

Without bigots, eccentrics, cranks and heretics the world would not progress.

Woo her not till thou hast seen her mother, for a score of years worketh wonders.

Seek one woman whom thou canst trust, and to her who lovest thee best, tell thy secrets. She will deliver thee from the hands of strange women, she will expose their craft; and of her who flattereth thee, will she make known the reason.

Tell not thy previous loves to a woman, lest she also telleth thee hers.