Eoin Colfer quotes:

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  • Artemis Fowl will never be secondary." "I thought you were Artemis Fowl the Second?" said Holly.

  • Quickly, Holly," said Artemis urgently. "Follow those bubbles." Holly opened the throttle. "Now there's an order I never thought I'd hear from you.

  • Waitress: "And to drink?"Artemis: "Spring water. Irish, if you have it. And no ice, please. As your ice is no doubt made from tap water, which rather defeats the purpose of spring water."

  • There will be consequences for this, he thought. You can't alter time and not be affected. But whatever the consequences are, I will bear them, because the alternative is too terrible. -Artemis Fowl, The Lost Colony

  • Ah, my princess. Noble steed. How does the morning find you both?

  • Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?" Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I think I know a little something about relativity.

  • Can we please focus? We are supposed to be professionals." Holly said. "Not me!" said Orion cheerily, "I'm just a Teenager with hormones running wild and may I say, young fairy lady, they're running wild in your direction.

  • Butler was seeing the world as it was, complete with L.E.P retrival team

  • Let's save some time here. I grow weary of your clumsy bluffs. In the case of an abduction, the LEP will send a crack Retrieval team to get back what has been lost.. You have done so. Excuse me while I titter. Crack team? Honestly. A Cub-Scout patrol armed with water pistols could have defeated them.

  • Being in command means making tough decisions. Not being in command means shutting up and doing what you're told. --Artemis Fowl

  • (about his terrible attempt at making a sandwich) It's more difficult than it looks. (Artemis Fowl)

  • She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees. -Artemis Fowl

  • I don't like lollipops.

  • Butler could kill you a hundred different ways without use of his armoury. Though I'm sure one would be quite sufficient.

  • So if you're not Artemis Fowl, then who are you?" The boy extended a dripping hand straight up. "My name is Orion. I am so pleased to meet you at last. I am, of course, your servant." Holly shook the proferred hand, thinking that manners were lovely, but she really needed someone cunning and ruthless right now, and this kid didn't appear to be very cunning.

  • Orion brightened. "I have an idea." "Yes?" said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained. "Why don't we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn't work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other.

  • I hear that you were on a date with Trouble Kelp. Are you two planning on building a bivouac any time soon?

  • A cloak of invisibility? This is a highly sensitive piece of field equipment. What does he think? Some warlock pulled it out of his armpit?

  • She can't afford to commit more troops,' Holly whispered. 'The gate is her priority, and she needs to have as many Berserkers watching her back as possible. We are secondary at this point.' 'That will be her undoing,' Artemis gasped, already suffering under the weight of the flak jacket. 'Artemis Fowl will never be secondary.' 'I thought you were Artemis Fowl the Second?' said Holly.

  • When I went to school, I was already reading and writing. In fact, I was offended that the other kids couldn't.

  • Trust me. I haven't been wrong yet.

  • Play along, the wink said. I'll get you out of this. At least Artemis hoped this was what his wink communicated and not something like 'Any chance of another kiss later?

  • Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder"

  • Vinyaya was being openly antagonistic, and that was an emotion that could be trusted, unless of course it was a bluff and the commander was a secret fan of his, unless it was a double bluff and she really did feel antagonistic."

  • Radomosity, thought Artemis. And he felt like weeping.

  • Most craft give a nod, however brief and unfriendly, towards beauty. Vogon ships did not nod towards beauty. They pulled on ski masks and mugged beauty in a dark alley They spat in the eye of beauty and bludgeoned their wait through the notions of aesthetics and aerodynamics. Vogon cruisers did not so much travel through space as defile it and toss it aside.

  • Either that boy is the sanest creature on Earth, he thought, or he is so disturbed that our tests cannot even begin to scratch the surface.

  • Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares!

  • Listen to me, goblin. You're stupid, let's accept that and move on.

  • gold is power-artemis fowl I liked the artemis fowl series because its about a boy genius

  • A metaphorical weight lifted from his allegorical chest and Artemis Fowl felt himself again.

  • Just what we need," moaned Holly. "Artemis Fowl with magical powers.

  • Orion:"Oh, how I pray that dragon will turn 'round so that I may smite it." Foaly: "Smite it with what? Your secret birthmark?" Orion: "Don't you mock my birthmark, which I may or may not have.

  • If Elmore Leonard met Jim Thompson down a dark alley at midnight they might emerge a week later with thick beards, bloodshot eyes and the manuscript for THE BIG O.

  • Orion sniffed. "Good. Then, worthy centaur, perhaps you could give me a ride to the village on your way back. Then I can make a few pennies wth my verses while you build us a shack and perform circus tricks for passersby." This was such a surprising statement that Foaly briefly considered jumping into the hole to get away.

  • I can grow cameras!" she had shrieked at the Brill brothers during one briefing. "Who's to say that despicable centaur Foaly hasn't succeded in splicing surveillance equiptment to plants? So get rid of all the flowers. Rocks, too. I don't trust them. Sullen little blebers.

  • He threw his head back and sang, "'I am a centaur, yes, a centaur is what I am.' It's not like you to wax, Artemis" "Foaly is singing," said Holly. "Surely that's illegal?

  • The only other scenario that could explain everything, up to and including your own bizarre apperance, is a convoluted conspiracy theory involving the Russian Mafia and a crack team of plastic surgeons.

  • Chaos reigned, and the survivalists eagerly unwrapped the kidskin from their crossbows. Phase one of Opal's plan was complete.

  • Don't you worry about that, Mr. Adamsson. Why don't you head back to Reykjavik and spend some of that extortionate fee you charged me for a couple of hours' usage of your frankly third-rate restaurant and perhaps find a friendless tree stump to listen to your woes?

  • Artemis: I am not buoyed by that. Foaly: You are not supposed to be buoyed by that. You are supposed to be equalized. Mulch: I'm pretty sure that both of you just made really horrible jokes. But I'm not sure because I think you broke my funny bone.

  • I did what all good Iriah dads do when faced with a worthy adversary..I said Ask your mother!!

  • I'm LEP. A captain. No rent-a-cop gnome is going to stand in the way of my orders.

  • There is no such thing as a happy ending. Every culture has a maxim that makes this point, while nowhere in the Universe is there a single gravestone that reads 'He Loved Everything About His Life, Especially the Dying Bit at the End'.

  • Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder

  • Remember the pain?' thought Artemis. I hate myself. I really do.

  • Artemis looked at Holly and felt a tremendous affection for her... he could properly appreciate how fierce and beautiful his best friend was... She is truly magical, thought Artemis. Perhaps her qualities are more obvious to me now that I have decided to sacrifice myself.

  • Wait," said Butler. "Just wait, Holly. Artemis has a plan." He squinted through the green dome. "What is your plan, Artemis?" All Artemis could do was smile and shrug.

  • Don't hate me forever, Arty," whispered Holly. "I couldn't bear that.

  • A CD. How quaint. We have these in museums.

  • I can't imagine what they're planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it, and it won't be legal.

  • Friendship isn't a science mudboy. Just do what you think is right.

  • Holly frowned at her. "Glad to see you've forgiven yourself so quickly." "Harboring feelings of guilt can have a negative affect on mental health." "Child geniuses," growled Holly. "Genii," said Minerva.

  • I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?

  • I'm not threatening you. I'm just informing you of police procedure. If you continue to obstruct me, I remove the obstruction, in this case you, and proceed to the next command.

  • HOLLY: Are you suggesting I occasionally stray from the rule book? FOALY: No. I'm suggesting you do not own a copy of the rule book, and if you do, you have certainly never opened it.

  • Are you saying that you people knew about these amorophobots all the time?" "Of course we did. They attacked us in Iceland. Remember?" "No. I was unconscious.

  • Sig Sauer. Nine millimetres. Thirteen in the magazine. Big bullets. One of these hits you and it could blow your head off; something even the magic can't fix. Other than that you should be all right, presuming you remembered to wear the regulation above-ground micro-fibre jumpsuit recently patented by me. Then again, being a Recon jock, you probably didn't.

  • Stupid. Stupid. Foaly, we are both imbeciles. I don't expect lateral thinking from the LEP, but from you..." ... "What is it?" [Holly] asked, afraid of the answer, which must surely be terrible. "Yeah," agreed Foaly, who always had time to feel insulted. "Why am I an imbecile?

  • I waved my hand in front of my face, obi-wan style. "I am not here." Niall's mucas glands kicked into overdrive. "Eoin's dead! And his ghost is standing right there on the grass!" Donal let out a long suffering sigh. "Eoin is being a writer." Niall calmed down, becuase everyone knows writers are weird and are always doing stupid thingss.

  • A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old.

  • Meg and Belch only had eyes for each other. Not in the usual romantic sense.

  • Who are you?" he asked. I am the future queen of this world, at the very least. You may refer to me as Mistress Koboi for the next five minutes. After that you may refer to me as Aaaaarrrrgh, hold your throat, die screaming, and so on.

  • Sounded like girls. Mixed feelings on that score. He didn't despise them with the same passion he used to. In fact, Benny suspected that there would come a time in the not-too-distant future when he might develop a mysterious interest in them.

  • Too much damned TV. Thinks he's Sherlock Holmes." "That's professor Moriarty," corrected Foaly. "Holmes, Moriarty, they both look the same with the flesh scorched off their skulls.

  • Oh, I'm crazy all right. I do have plenty of psychoses. Multiple personality, delusional dementia, OCD. I've got them all, but most of all, I'm crazy about you.

  • Holly is alive,' thought Foaly 'My princess lives,'exulted Orion. 'And we're chasing a dragon

  • It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon. Opal tapped this into her notepad. Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable?

  • I bet," said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn." Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer. Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything.

  • If Koboi defeats and presumably murders us both then you can consider the debt null and void.

  • The name's Bond. James Omar Bond.

  • Why can't I solve this problem by killing someone? she though petulantly, then comforted herself with the mantra that had kept her going in prison: "Soon all the humans will be dead," she said, droning in the time-honored fashion of gurus everywhere. "And then Opal will be loved." And even if I'm not loved, she thought, at least all the humans will be dead.

  • Of course. Opal is toying with our emotions for her own gratification. Nothing more. She wishes to place herself in a position of power, emotionally.

  • I am not exuding anything," said Holly through gritted teeth. Orion tapped her shoulder. "I beg to differ. You're exuding right now, a wonderful aura. It's pastel blue with little dolphins.

  • Inside the mirrored elevator, Mulch used a telescopic pointer to push P for the penthouse. For the first few months he had jumped to reach the button, but that was undignified behavior for a millionaire. And besides, he was certain that Art could hear the thumping from the security desk.

  • Well, I don't like the first bit and I don't know the last bit. So I'm really hoping the middle bit is exceptional.

  • I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.

  • The Theory of Evolution has more holes in it than a dam made out of Swiss cheese.

  • Other men look up and down, left and right; but men like us are different. We are visionaries.

  • Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moron.

  • Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa," intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs.

  • Well, young man, have you found anyone worthy of your respect?"Artemis smiled back. "Yes," he said. "I believe I have.

  • Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.

  • That, as my cousin Nord would say, is where my improvised lie falls apart.

  • this was business.

  • Genius inspires resentment. A sad fact of life.

  • He knew that Dr. Argon would advise him against bottling up his emotions as it would lead to psychological scarring in the long term.

  • In spite of what youngsters think, parents do not get a sneaky thrill out of punishing their children.

  • I am so sick of you smart kids. Why can't you just boost cars or steal stuff like normal kids?' 'We do steal stuff. Just bigger stuff.

  • Of course I saved you," she said. "I couldn't do without you." And because she was happy and flushed with magic, Holly leaned down and kissed Artemis, magic sparking around the contact like tiny fireworks.

  • Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut." Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell. "I'm the nut!" Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said.

  • I have always loved 'Stig of the Dump.' I think reading that book made me officially realise that I was a reader.

  • Evolution is a theory with more holes than a Dutch dam of swiss cheese.

  • I wear a name tag to help people find me. It saves time when you're dealing with idiots.

  • Waitress: "And to drink?" Artemis: "Spring water. Irish, if you have it. And no ice, please. As your ice is no doubt made from tap water, which rather defeats the purpose of spring water.

  • This was a nightmare scenario for any bodyguard: stuck in the middle of a transparent tube, several miles underwater, with a murdering band of fugitives at one end and an enthralled but still highly skilled police officer at the other.

  • Her glare was so intense that you completely forgot she was wearing pink.

  • I feel like Alice falling into Wonderland. A line came to him: It would be so nice if something made sense for a change.

  • Don't try to understand me, just be grateful that you felt the warmth of Zaphod Beeblebrox's aura on your wonderstruck face.

  • What many people don't know about 'Peter Pan' is that it's a very violent book and Hook is one of the most finely observed villains ever.

  • The thing about reading is that if you are hooked, you're not going to stop just because one series is over; you're going to go and find something else.

  • I never tell anyone exactly how clever I am. They would be too scared.

  • Nobody's death is impending." ..."Well technically everyone's death is impending.

  • You know you're in trouble when your own imagination starts punishing you.

  • They have gone. And the tunnel is about to close. So, boys, I am looking for someone to blame.

  • No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.

  • A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon.

  • Trust me. I'm a genius.

  • Ignorance, as they say, is usually fatal, but sometimes it can be bliss.

  • I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom.

  • You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I may say so. I know you shared a moment passionne with Artemis which he subsequently fouled up with his typical boorish behavior. Let me just throw something out there for you to consider while we're chasing the probe: I share Artemis's passion but not his boorishness. No pressure; just think about it. This was enough to elicit a deafening moment of silence even in the middle of a crisis, which Orion seemed to be blissfully unaffected by.

  • You guys looking for my dad? People are always, like, looking for him, and he's never around. Daddy is so not here. And I mean that literally and spiritually.

  • Holly, do you trust me?? Holly groaned. "Artemis, don't ask me that. I just know one of your outrageous plans is coming.? "Do you trust me?? "Yes,? Holly sighed. "I do. More than anyone.

  • Doobie always wanted to see the badge. It was shiny, and he was eight.

  • Who or what inspires you?" "I must admit that I often read my own articles in scientific journals and inspire myself.

  • Boo-hoo. Help me, I'm a girl. What kind of modern woman are you? A smart one.

  • I'm on my feet, pacing around the room, punching a fist into my palm, which I stop doing when I realise how drama queen it feels.

  • Foaly twitched his tail contentedly. Genius. No point in being humble about it.

  • The miracle of modern science. The LEP pours millions into your department, Foaly, and all you can do is send Mud Boys to the toilet.

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