Doug Stanhope quotes:

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking.

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.

Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason...

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience.

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.

If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, "Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!"

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.

Coward is the most misused word in our society.

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.

I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!

You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.

I drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

You never hear in the news, 'Two hundred killed today when atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the agnostic stronghold in the north.'

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.

I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. I don't know why anyone would want to get married heterosexually, so why they'd be against homosexual marriage is flummoxing. I only use that word when I'm talking to someone from the British press.

Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, Gay pride, white power! just to confuse people.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, I'm not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.

Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.

All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

I don't like being in the UK for every other reason aside from the show. It's aesthetically uncomfortable to me on almost every level for reasons that might sound petty but I can't get past. The audiences are far more challenging and while I wouldn't say I prefer it, I certainly need it to ward off my inherent laziness.

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!"

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

You're born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that's a law, if you get old you die, that's a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you're born with.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.

It's our flaws who make us who we are.

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.

What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority...

The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.

Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.

Life's temporary for a reason; it gets boring after a while.

Did you ever try to sleep sober?

If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do... which sucked a lot.

The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need to be known anymore than I am. The slight sliver of fame I do have is hard to deal with. If I was actually well-known - I don't even know what to say to people who are at my show when I walk into the venue, much less having waitresses in diners asking for my autograph.