Dave Allen quotes:

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

Goodnight, thank you, and may your god go with you.

Am I the Irish comedian with half a finger? No, I'm the Irish comedian with nine and a half fingers.

It's the behaviour of your company and its people that form your reputation, and your reputation is your brand

How could I have not known about Ume? An Austin trio fronted by a whirling dervish of singer guitarist who in the standard PR band head shot looks like she wouldn't hurt a fly; yet give her a guitar, a Marshall stack and a mic and stand back, way back. She shreds. File under - Do Not Overlook and Go Tell Your Friends

We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work - and then we retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock.

My church accepts all denominations - fivers, tenners, twenties.

A good storyteller never lets the facts get in the way.

I don't go out of my way to be outrageous, I just go out of my way to look at things.