Clement Freud quotes:

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.

I understand it is 13-8 against Egon Ronay publishing a Good Betting Shop Food Guide by 1997.

Congealed fat is pretty much the same, irrespective of the delicacy around which it is concealed.

About one thing the Englishman has a particularly strict code. If a bird says Cluk bik bik bik bik and caw you may kill it, eat it or ask Fortnums to pickle it in Napoleon brandy with wild strawberries. If it says tweet it is a dear and precious friend and you'd better lay off it if you want to remain a member of Boodles.

There's no law that decrees when not to whinge, but you reach a certain age - 80 seems about right - when you're expected to manifest querulousness - the coffee's too hot, the boiled egg's too soft ...

I was going to talk about Nicholas Parsons' ignorance, but 18 seconds would be a wholly insufficient time.

In moments of considerable strain, I tend to take to bread-and-butter pudding. There is something about the blandness of soggy bread, the crispness of the golden outer crust and the unadulterated pleasure of a lightly set custard that makes the world seem a better place to live.

I've known Nicholas Parsons for a fairly long time and his geniune pleasures are in rubber tubes, metal clips

If anyone tells me I'm fat, I say, - That's because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit

Owning a racehorse is probably the most expensive way of getting on to a racecourse for nothing.

It is essential that we understand people for who they are as individuals and not the public perception of them or their family and past.

Breakfast is a notoriously difficult meal to serve with a flourish.

To barbecue is a way of life rather than a desirable method of cooking.

I think our police are excellent, probably because I have not done anything that has occasioned being beaten up by these good men.

Wine buffs write and talk as though the food and wine will be in your mouth at the same time, that one is there to be poured over the other. This is bullshit. Gustatory enjoyment comes from food and wine and cigars of your liking. So far no one has said that a Monte Cristo is the only cigar to smoke after Armagnac, Romeo and Juliet after Calvados ... but the time may yet come.

The depressing thing about an Englishman's traditional love of animals is the dishonesty thereof ... Get a barbed hook into the upper lip of a salmon, drag him endlessly around the water until he loses his strength, pull him to the bank, hit him on the head with a stone, and you may well become fisherman of the year. Shoot.the salmon and you'll never be asked again.

I find it hard to say, because when I was there it seemed to be shut.

If you mind losing more than you enjoy winning, don't bet.