Bill Kelly quotes:

My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.

Good manners are just a way of showing other people that we have respect for them.

After God created the world, He made man and woman. Then, to keep the whole thing from collapsing, He invented humor.

For years I thought my father was a hunchback. Turns out he didn't know suspenders were adjustable.