Alan Ayckbourn quotes:

He really is terribly heavy going. Like running up hill in roller skates.

Cats names are more for human benefit. They give one a certain degree more confidence that the animal belongs to you.

Plays by Alan Ayckbourn have been attracting larger audiences in the regional theatres than those of Shakespeare.

Few women care to be laughed at and men not at all, except for large sums of money.

A comedy is just a tragedy interrupted, I once said. Do you finish with the kiss or when she opens her eyes to tell him she loves him and sees blonde hairs on his collar?

There are very few people on top of life, and the rest of us don't like them very much.

There is a school of thought that believes that sleep is for the night. You appear to be out to disprove them.

Salad, I can't bear salad. It grows while you're eating it, you know.

As a writer one is allowed to have conversations with oneself. What is considered sane in writers is made for the rest of the human race.

I think of a plot, I think of an idea, and then I wonder, How can I get that onto the stage? . . . Whatever devices you use should always be there to serve the theme. If the theme has been overtaken by the device, then something's wrong.

What I find interesting is how close you can run the laughter along the seam of seriousness, and occasionally cross it, so that half the house genuinely doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. Custard pie humour is fairly universal, but at the other end, which I'm more interested in, there's the humour that hovers on the darkness, that walks in the shadow of something else, not always that obvious.

The darker the subject, the more light you must try to shed on the matter. And vice versa.

If you are flattering a woman, it pays to be a little more subtle. You don't have to bother with men, they believe any compliment automatically.

A gentleman ... sleeps at his work. That's what work's for. Why do you think they have the SILENCE notices in the library? So as not to disturb me in my little nook behind the biography shelves.