Al Murray quotes:

Our cheeky sidekick. We're like a motorcycle and sidecar.

We need a war every 10 years, so we can stay match fit in case the Germans try again.

I'm not an alcoholic, I am freedom fighter against the teetotal taliban.

The American dream? We don't have a dream in Britain because we're bloody awake!

It's a weight problem isn't it; you can't wait for lunch.

You can leave a kid alone and it will learn to fend for itself, how to work the remote, a tin opener, and the microwave. I see the holidays as a chance for kids to learn self-sufficiency.