Art Ridzik Quotes in Red Heat (1988)

Ivan Danko: I have car under control.

Art Ridzik: Yeah, I'm sure they taught you all about cars and the price of insurance at your famous Russian school in Kiev!

Ivan Danko: In socialist countries, insurance not necessary. State pays for everything.

Art Ridzik: Yeah? Well, tell me something, Captain. If you've got such a fucking paradise over there, how come you're up the same creek as we are with heroin and cocaine?

Ivan Danko: Chinese find way. Right after revolution, they round up all drug dealers, all drug addicts, take them to public square, and shoot them in back of head.

Art Ridzik: Ah, it'd never work here. Fucking politicians wouldn't go for it.

Ivan Danko: Shoot them first.

Art Ridzik: About this pile-of-shit pimp in here. In this country, we try to protect the rights of individuals. It's called the Miranda Act, and it says that you can't even touch his ass.

Ivan Danko: I do not want to touch his ass. I want to make him talk!

Art Ridzik: Captain Danko, congratulations. You are now the proud owner of the most powerful handgun in the world.

Ivan Danko: Soviet Patparine, nine-point-two milimeter, is world's most powerful handgun.

Art Ridzik: Oh, come on, everybody knows the .44 Magnum is the big boy on the block. Why do you think Dirty Harry uses it?

Ivan Danko: Who is Dirty Harry?

Hooligan: Hey, asshole! You can't park here, this is my spot! I live right up there. So move your piece-of-shit car or give me fifty bucks.

Ivan Danko: I do not understand.

Hooligan: Let me make it real simple, moron. You move your ass or give me fifty, or I take my Pete Rose here and fucking mutilate your car.

Ivan Danko: Do you know Miranda?

Hooligan: Never heard of the bitch.

[Danko punches him unconscious]

Ivan Danko: [in Russian] Hooligani.

[Ridzik comes back]

Art Ridzik: Everything okay?

Ivan Danko: Yes, fine. No problems.

Art Ridzik: What about that sack of shit lying on the sidewalk?

Ivan Danko: He lives here.

Ivan Danko: Tea, please.

Art Ridzik: In a glass, with lemon, right?

Ivan Danko: [surprised] Yes.

Art Ridzik: Yeah. I saw Dr. Zhivago.

[Danko's watch alarm goes off]

Art Ridzik: What's that?

Ivan Danko: My watch. It's on Moscow time.

Art Ridzik: Time to pick up Pokey?

Ivan Danko: Time to feed parakeet.

Art Ridzik: What's that, Russian for "jerking off"?

Cat Manzetti: Fuck you.

Art Ridzik: No, I think I have a headache and good taste.

Art Ridzik: Oh, great. We got a pro basketball team coming toward us - with guns!

Cat Manzetti: You leave your guns with those guys over there.

Art Ridzik: No way. A Chicago cop never relinquishes his weapon.

[the gang all point their guns at him]

Art Ridzik: Here you go.

Art Ridzik: You were talking to that jazzball so long I thought about having my head shaved.

Ivan Danko: It could be a good idea.

[Danko changes his militia uniform for a suit]

Art Ridzik: What, you retire your uniform?

Ivan Danko: I now work undercover.

Art Ridzik: Undercover? You look like Gumby.

[to a waitress about to freshen his coffee]

Art Ridzik: Look, lady. I just got my coffee the perfect color. It's the only thing I've got going for me tonight.

Ivan Danko: I do not understand this sport.

Art Ridzik: You're not supposed to, it's completely American.

Ivan Danko: We play baseball now in Soviet Union.

Art Ridzik: Are you kidding me? This is our national pastime!

[pause]

Art Ridzik: Ah, it'd be a hell of a world series though, wouldn't it?

Ivan Danko: We will win.

Art Ridzik: I'm gonna bust that bitch so hard she bounces.

Ivan Danko: [in Russian] What's this key for?

Viktor Rostavili: [in Russian] Kiss my ass.

Ivan Danko: [to Ridzik, in English] You know what this key open?

Art Ridzik: Looks like a key to a locker to me. Why don't you ask your bud?

Ivan Danko: [hauls Viktor around to face Ridzik] You try.

Art Ridzik: Where-is-the-lock-er-that-this-key-opens?

Viktor Rostavili: [mutters something in Russian]

Art Ridzik: What did he say?

Ivan Danko: He say, "Go and kiss your mother's behind."

[Gallagher laughs. Ridzik stares at Viktor for a moment, then lunges at him]

Art Ridzik: You know this game? It's called chicken, except you're not supposed to play it with buses.

[Ridzik and Danko go to speak with Abdul Elijah in prison]

Art Ridzik: Hey, you, come here. This is Captain Danko. He's come all the way from Russia to speak with your scoutmaster.

Prison Cleanhead: Well, that's nice, but who the fuck are you?

Ivan Danko: These men have no respect of our authority as police officers.

Art Ridzik: No shit.

Art Ridzik: I give up. This whole thing's very Russian.

[after receiving orders from Commander Donnelly]

Art Ridzik: Gallagher!

Sgt. Gallagher: Yo!

Art Ridzik: Taxi service!

Sgt. Gallagher: Right!