Zoë Quotes in Serenity (2005)

Jayne Cobb: We're gonna explode? I don't wanna explode!

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Jayne, how many weapons you plan on bringing? You only got the two arms.

Jayne Cobb: I just get excitable as to choice- like to have my options open.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I don't plan on any shooting taking place during this job.

Jayne Cobb: Well, what you plan and what takes place ain't ever exactly been similar.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: No grenades.

[Jayne groans]

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: No grenades!

Zoë: We crashin' again?

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Go talk to your husband. Is the mule prepped?

Zoë: Good to go sir. Just loading her up. Are those grenades?

Jayne Cobb: Cap'n doesn't want them.

Zoë: We're robbing the place, we're not occupying it.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I'll take the shuttle in closer. Zoe, ship is yours. Remember, if anything happens to me, or you don't hear from me within the hour... you take this ship and you come and you rescue me.

Zoë: What? And risk my ship?

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I mean it. It's cold out there. I don't wanna get left.

Zoë: [after breaking into a practically empty bank safe]

Zoë: At last, we can retire and give up this life of crime.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You think she'll hold together?

Zoë: She's torn up plenty, but she'll fly true.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Could be bumpy.

Zoë: Always is.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I know she meant to kill me 'fore the Doc put her to sleep, which how exactly does that work anyhow?

Dr. Simon Tam: Safeword. The people who helped me break River out - they had intel that River and the other subjects were being embedded with behavioral conditioning. They taught me a safeword, in case... something happened.

Kaylee Frye: Not sure I get it.

Dr. Simon Tam: A phrase that's encoded in her brain, that makes her fall asleep. If I speak the words, "Eta...

Jayne Cobb: Well don't say it!

Zoë: It only works on her, Jayne.

Jayne Cobb: Oh... Well, now I know that.

Zoë: So... trap?

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Trap.

Zoë: We goin' in?

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Ain't but a few hours out.

Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: Yeah, but... remember the part where it's a trap?

Zoë: Do you really think any of us is gonna get through this?

[looks at the other crew members struggling with their guns]

Jayne Cobb: Well, I might.

Zoë: Do you know what the definition of a hero is? Someone who gets other people killed. You can look it up later.

Zoë: In the time of war, we would never have left a man behind.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Maybe that's why we lost.

Zoë: [the elevator opens] Sir?

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: It's done.

[looks at his crew notices River's missing]

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Report. River?

[pause then the hold door opens. River's standing with weapons in hand and dead Reavers all around her]

Zoë: It's a fair bet the Alliance knows about Mr. Universe. They're gonna see this coming.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: No. They're not going to see this coming.

Jayne Cobb: She is startin' to damage my calm.

Zoë: Jayne!

Jayne Cobb: She's *right*! Everybody's dead!... This whole world is dead for no reason!

Zoë: How much ammo we got left?

Jayne Cobb: Three full mags, and my swinging cod!

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: This is exactly what I didn't want. I wanted simple, I wanted in-and-out, I wanted easy money.

Zoë: Things always get a little more complicated, don't they, sir?

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Once, just once, I want things to go according to the gorram plan!

Zoë: We're not going to get to you in time.

Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: Keep moving, honey. We're coming to you.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [about protective goggles] Fine, I'll wear 'em. But I'll look like an idiot.

Zoë: I should think you'd be used to that, sir.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I didn't start this.

Jayne Cobb: No, that's right. Alliance starts the war, and then you volunteer. Battle of Serenity, Mal. Besides Zoe here, how many...

[Mal turns to walk away]

Jayne Cobb: Hey, I'm talking at you! How many men in your platoon came out of there alive?

Zoë: You wanna leave this room.

Jayne Cobb: Damn right, I do.

Zoë: We should hit town right during Sunday worship. Won't be any crowds.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: If Fanty and Mingo are right about the payroll, this could look to be a sunny day for us.

[Kim and Zoe are convincing Abernathy to convince Jasper to take his 1970 Dodge Challenger for a test drive]

Zoe: What are you going to do? Blow him?

Abernathy: [repulsed] No!

Abernathy: [pause] I'm going to insinuate that Lee is.

Zoe: [jumps up after being thrown from the hood of the car] I'm ok!

Zoe: I'll be your slave. I'll do anything you want... I'll even crack your back.

Kim: You'll do that anyways.

Zoe: Yes, but this time, you won't even have to ask, you can just say "Bitch, do it" and I'll do it.

[last lines]

Stuntman Mike: Be careful, my right arm's broken!

Kim: What, *this*?

[cracking]

Stuntman Mike: Oww!

Abernathy: Such a fuckin' cry-baby!

[punches Mike, the other girls take turns]

Zoe: Oh, you want some of this?

Abernathy: Fuck yeah!

Kim: Come here!

Abernathy: Ha ha ha!

[series of punches]

Abernathy: Motherfucker!

Kim: Motherfucker!

Abernathy: Asshole!

[Zöe delivers a spinning kick to Mike's face, and the girls throw their hands up in victory]

Zoe: You know some cultures might say he made the wiser choice.

Zoe: [watching Blade inhaling his serum] Why do you do that?

Blade: Because there's something bad inside of me. This keeps it from getting out.

Zoe: Why can't you just be nice?

Blade: Because the world isn't nice.

Dracula: Do you know who I am?

Zoe: You're the Gnome King.

Dracula: Ah. The Gnome King. How sweet. Tell me, child, do you want to die?

Zoe: I'm not afraid. I'll go to heaven.

Dracula: There is no heaven. No God, no angels. The only thing in your future is nothingness. But what if you could change that? What if you could remain a child forever? Wouldn't you like that? Wouldn't you accept that gift?

Zoe: [calmly] My friends are coming to kill you.

Michael: You know... we're all alone up here.

Zoe: You remember when I said you could do better than Kira?

Michael: Uh huh.

Zoe: Well, I didn't mean *this* much better.

Michael: [tries to open a door] It's stuck.

Zoe: Move.

[tries to open the door]

Zoe: It's stuck!

Michael: No shit!

Zoe: [about Melissa] She's the last person you gotta worry about.

Kira: [Flips Zoe off] Bitch.

Zoe: Oh, my god! The mute spoke!

Christine: Watch your ass, slut!

Zoe: What, like the way you watch Kira's?

Zoe: I'm gonna need drugs.

Hannah: I heard that.

Zoe: [Michael offers Melissa some weed] Hommeade aspirin? Hell yeah.

Michael: How about it, Granola Girl? It's organic.

Zoe: Bring it on.

Zoe: All this for Russell?

Melissa: He's interested in my views.

Zoe: Is that why he keeps looking at your ass? My girl even shaved her hairy legs for this guy!

Melissa: Yeah, well I was getting a little sick of the natural look, anyway.

Zoe: If you call looking like a Hobbit natural.

Zoe: [to Michael] So you and Kira used to be a thing, huh? You know, you could do better.

Zoe: [as the girls walk back to their cabin, Hallie is riding on Nicole's back] I swear, I heard that girl sneezing all the way across the mess hall this morning.

Hallie: [laughs, and then lets out a yawn] I'm so tired. I'm crawling back into bed, and sleeping till lunch.

Nicole: [lets Hallie off her back and stares in shock] That does not sound like a possibility, babe.

Hallie: [shrugs] Why not?

Nicole: [pointing] *That's* why not!

Hallie: [looks in the direction that Nicole is pointing, and sees their cots are perched on the roof, as "Hail Brittania" plays] No way!

[laying down together, Windows spooning Zoe]

Zoe: That better be your lucky R2 poking me.

Windows: Nope. My penis.

Zoe: You might wanna hit the showers. 'Cause you smell like something shit *in* my nose.

Hutch: Yes, Your Highnessness.

[Hutch takes off his t-shirt]

Zoe: Ew! What in god's name is living on your chest? It looks like you fell on ALF.

Zoe: Asshole. You have been trying that Jedi mind shit on me since the eighth grade. It doesn't work.

Hutch: Oh, it works. Tell her, Windows.

Zoe: He's been geeking out with Rogue Leader all morning. Nothing can tear him away.

[lifts her sweater, exposing her breasts to Windows who is on the Internet on his laptop, not looking up]

Zoe: Ah, I love the feeling of fresh air on my naked breasts.

Hutch: Oh, ho-ho!

Zoe: See that? Man's immune to sweater yams.

Hutch: What about me? I like sweater yams!

[after bailing the guys out of jail]

Zoe: You pussies owe me, big time.

Hutch: Dude, you're gonna be my Dak today, all right? Follow my lead.

Windows: Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa. You wanna just talk to them?

Hutch: Yeah. It's called having balls.

Zoe: Or in your case, one ball.

Zoe: All right everybody, shut up!

Hutch: Oh!

Zoe: I swear to God this little Ewok is going up in flames. I'll do it.

Zoe: [Overhearing Lucas on the phone] I can hear his beard!

Zoe: All right, everybody, shut up! Swear to God this little Ewok is going up in flames! I'll do it.

THX Security Guard #4: Go ahead, burn it.

Zoe: I will.

THX Security Guard #4: Yeah, burn it.

Hutch: Guys, nobody wants this.

Zoe: I will.

THX Security Guard #4: [Mimicking Yoda's voice] Burn it, burn it.

Zoe: I'm gonna.

THX Security Guard #4: Burn it.

Zoe: That's what I said.

THX Security Guard #4: Burn it.

Zoe: I said it.

THX Security Guard #4: Good, I was always more of a Star Trek fan anyway.

Zoe: Oh...

Hutch: These Trekkies are everywhere.

Zoe: [Simon and Theodore are bungee jumping] We're having the best time. Why did you have to show up and be so uptight?

Alvin: Me, uptight? I'm not the uptight one. I'm the fun one. The cool one. Ask anyone!

Zoe: Who should I ask?

Eleanor: I think I sprained my ankle!

Zoe: Ooh, you know what. You should put some ice on that.

[everyone looks at her]

Zoe: Oh no, guys I don't have any ice. I live there in that tree. I just thought that maybe you did, though.

Simon: No, we don't have any ice. Just like we don't have any shelter.

Zoe: Wow, that's a major bummer for you. Do you guys like bungee jumping?

Zoe: All right, Calloway, I need you to go in there and find Simone. I know you can do it little buddy.

[throws golf ball into water]

Jeanette: Uh, you're kidding. Right?

Zoe: If Calloway can't find, him nobody can-...

[ball hits her in head]

Zoe: Uh, ow!

Jeanette: [gasps] Simone!

Zoe: [rubbing her head] Told ya.

Zoe: Yeah! Wasn't that awesome?

Simon: No, it was not awesome! It's a miracle we got here safely. In fact, the odds of a chipmunk getting hurt on a zip line are one out of six.

Eleanor: [falling] Aaaaaah!

Zoe: Now wasn't that a pleasant ride?

Eleanor: Good thing we don't wear pants!

Zoe: There's no reason to be scared of death. 'Cause death is, you know, like life, but all of the crap gets taken out. Like poverty and fascism and Miley Cyrus.

Roxy: [carrying her bag to the beds] Where do I sling my stuff?

Saffy: Well, we can make up some room in our area, I suppose.

Chelsea: [excited] Yeah, you can so totally hang out with us!

[coolly]

Chelsea: I mean, you know, if you wanted. Whatever.

Zoe: Does she look like she'd want to hang out with a bunch of shallow, facile, peroxide-blonde turbo skanks?

[the Emos' St Trinians logo appears on the screen; with creepy music]

Bella: You think she'd rather hang out with *you* and the sulky, sun-dodging Emos?

[Chelsea and Saffy laugh, and the Posh Totties' St Trinians logo dings on the screen]

Oscar: Who says you can't go home again?

Susan: Oscar, maybe you can get your friends to tell us where Elmo is.

Cookie Monster, Telly, Zoe: Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Oscar: In a minute. First I have to look at the old neighborhood here. Hey, I wonder where that old septic tank is.

Susan: Hey, wait a minute!

Gordon: No, Oscar, we've got to find Elmo first!

Cookie Monster, Telly: Elmo! Elmo!

Susan: Let's go this way.

Zoé: [with reference to jaws] "Were going to need a bigger island"

[singing in The Van Driving to Dulais]

Steph, Stella, Zoe: [to the Tune of "Solidarity Forever"] Every woman is a lesbian at heart/Every woman is a lesbian at heart/Every woman is a lesbian at heart...

Reggie: You can't possibly say that every woman is a lesbian.

Zoe: Why not?

Reggie: Because they're not! Esther Rantzen isn't a lesbian. My mum is not a lesbian.

Stella: How do you know?

Reggie: How do I know my Mum's not a lesbian?

Ray: What he's trying to say is, you can't make grand, sweeping generalizations. It's not acceptable.

[beat]

Steph, Stella, Zoe: [Resumes Singing] Every woman is a lesbian at heart/Every woman is a lesbian at heart/Every woman is a lesbian at heart/Including Reggie's Mum!

Zoe: Is this a church meeting or is this a bar? Make some noise!

Zoe: This is really fascinating, what's going on at this table. Let's take you and Erica. You've been around the block a few times. What are you, around 60? 63. Fantastic! Never married, which as we know, if you were a woman, would be a curse. You'd be an old maid, a spinster. Blah, blah, blah. So instead of pitying you, they write an article about you. Celebrate your never marrying. You're elusive and ungetable, a real catch. Then, there's my gorgeous sister here. Look at her. She is so accomplished. Most successful female playwright since who? Lillian Hellmann? She's over 50, divorced, and she sits in night after night after night because available guys her age want something-forgive me, they want somebody that looks like Marin. The over-50 dating scene is geared towards men leaving older women out. And as a result, the women become more and more productive and therefore, more and more interesting. Which, in turn, makes them even less desirable because as we all know, men- especially older men- are threatened and afraid of productive, interesting women. It is just so clear! Single older women as a demographic are about as fucked a group as can ever exist.

Zoe: I got you something GREAT at the farmstand...

Marin: Harry was once engaged to Diane Sawyer.

Zoe: Diane Sawyer? No way, I love her!

Erica Barry: That's wonderful!

Harry: Women your age love that about me.

Erica Barry: Ah.

Harry: No, that's a good thing.

Erica Barry: I'm sure you meant it as a compliment.

Harry: Yes, it was meant as a compliment.

Zoe: Sorry I didn't get a pedicure

Dr. Scott Harris: What?

Zoe: Er, my toes I'm sorry

Dr. Scott Harris: I'm not looking at your toes, I'm looking at your cervix

Zoe: Right, now I kinda wish you were looking at my toes

Stan: I love you.

Zoe: [throws up into sink]

Stan: Not the answer I was looking for.

Zoe: [Zoe gets in a taxi cab] Oh, excuse me this is my cab

Stan: What you own it?

Zoe: No, but I'm about to rent it

Buck: Zoe... I'm sorry I never ate your pussy. I'm gonna go back and eat all of it one day.

Zoe: It's okay, baby. We're going to get out of here, okay?

Buck: It just smells so bad down there...

Buck: I've never seen a real beaver before up close.

Zoe: Well, maybe you should try going down on me once in a while, Buck.

Tommy: I can't see anything. You?

Zoe: No, my eyes are closed.

Zoe: [while waiting for Nick to arrive] He's late... Men!

Kate: I know I'm doing everything wrong, but I promise you that I will always be here for you.

Zoe: [pause] Kate? You're not doing *everything* wrong.

[last lines]

Jude: Hey, the men are doing all the heavy lifting. Seems a little sexist to me. How about you, Zoe?

Zoe: It's not about equal division of labor. It's about an equitable and efficient allocation of resources.

Grace, Diane: Right on!

[laughter]

Zoe: Where does the perpetuation of fragmentation lead us? You know, it seems like we should be finding a way back into harmony with one another rather than representing, and therefore replicating our division.

Zoe: Do you, uh, think I'm violent with you? Closed off? Defensive?

Cole: Sometimes.

Zoe: But you're here.

Cole: Yeah, I am. I am here.

Zoe: And I judge you for what you do.

Cole: That's not my problem.

Zoe: Well, it kind of is.

Cole: No, no, actually, it's - that's your problem.

Zoe: Ah, you smoke too. Could you have any less respect for life?

Cole: Is now a good time to tell you I hunt?

Diane: There's a naked man sitting next to my daughter eating cereal.

Zoe: It's okay, it's organic.

Cole: See, cattle from small grass farms are essentially solar powered. They spread the seed, then they fertilize it with their manure, so it's a closed system as nature intended.

Zoe: Okay, but you're still killing a helpless animal.

Cole: Okay, first of all, I don't actually kill the cows, they typically come per-slaughtered.

Zoe: That's right, you merely dismember them.

Cole: A second of all, have you seen a cow? I mean, I'm pretty sure I'd lose in hand-to-hand combat.

Jake: [interrupting] Hand-to-hoof.

Zoe: Hey, Jakes's not helping...

Cole: I'm documenting this for our ancestors.

Zoe: You mean descendants.

Zoe: What about your job at Fascist, Fascist & Fascist?

Diane: What do you recommend?

Cole: We've been moving a lot of lamb lately.

Zoe: Lamb... could you pick on a more defenseless animal?

Cole: [to Diane] Can I interest you in some veal?

Zoe: You can't make everyone happy.

Poppy: There's no harm in trying that Zoe, is there?

Poppy: I've got a violent pupil in my flock.

Zoe: What's he doing?

Poppy: Being violent.

Zoe: What, is he hitting you?

Poppy: Been hitting the other kids.

Zoe: What are you doing about it?

Poppy: Spoke to Heather... Poor little bugger. You've got to love them, haven't you?

Zoe: Yes, otherwise you kill 'em.

Poppy: Do penguins emigrate?

Zoe: What - do they move to the Costa del Sol?

Zoe: So where did you go tonight?

Poppy: Eternal question. Where have we been? Where are we going? What's the meaning of life? I went to the moon, and then back again.

Zoe: Wow, you walk quickly.

Poppy: I've got good legs.

Zoe: Yeah, you've got great legs. Not that you're my type.

Helen: [somewhat patronizingly] I just want you to be happy, that's all.

Poppy: I am happy.

Helen: I don't think you are.

Poppy: I am! I love my life. Yeah, it can be tough at times, that's part of it, isn't it? I've got a great job, brilliant kids, lovely flat.

[points at Zoe, laughs]

Poppy: I've got her to look at. I've got amazing friends. I love my freedom. I'm a very lucky lady, I know that...

Helen: [annoyed] Alright, there's no need to rub it in.

Poppy: What? What am I rubbing in?

Helen: I know what you're saying.

Poppy: What am I saying?

Helen: You think I've taken the easy option.

Zoe: Hey, hang on, Helen. She didn't say that.

Helen: That's what she meant.

Poppy: No I didn't.

Suzy: Now you're just blatantly insecure about your own life.

Poppy: [trying to keep the peace] Alright, Suzy...

Helen: That's not true.

Suzy: Then why are you trying to control everyone else?

Zoe: O.K., here's another one...

Poppy: Yeah.

Zoe: Circle... completely red...

Poppy: What, like a tomato?

Zoe: For instance

[Poppy smiles]

Zoe: ... white horizontal line.

Poppy: Give us a clue Zoe.

Zoe: [gesturing] Horizontal: *parallel* to the *horizon*.

Poppy: [nods and smiles] Thank you, Miss Marsh.

Zoe: You're welcome!

Poppy: So it's not...

[gesturing]

Poppy: up and down, like a yo-yo?

Zoe: No.

Poppy: Right.

Zoe: What is it?

Poppy: Vertical.

[smiles]

Zoe: [laughing] No you muppet, the sign.

Poppy: What we having, then?

Zoe: Food.

Poppy: That makes a change.

Zoe: Are you hungry?

Poppy: I'm ravishing.

Zoe: [testing Poppy on the Highway Code] Next to the black car is a red car.

Poppy: That's Mr. Golly overtaking Noddy.

Zoe: Enraha.

Poppy: Enraha to you.

Zoe: [scrutinizing Poppy's palm] Oh, I see a very strong line. It's your bullshit line. And I see a tall, dark, handsome... turd.

Zoe: [to her mother about her Joan Crawford-styled dress] A woman shouldn't have bigger shoulders than a man.

Zoe: How's everything?

Claudio: Well, in life there are always a few problems... but things are not so bad.

Zoe: [Last lines of the segment] So, you could say we all lived on tour happily ever after.

Snotty Reporter: So which Fruit's which?

Beano: Well, I'm Posh Fruit. Les is Sour Fruit, and Ray's the only one that's got any money so he's Bread Fruit.

Zoë: So what does that make you, Brian? Bruised Fruit?

Zoe: Whit thought it would be nice for us to schedule our wedding while he already had everyone here for his birthday weekend.

Sam Davis: Hold on - nothing about that statement seems odd to you?

Zoe: What are you doing?

Sam Davis: It seems I'm in the process of winning you back.

Zoe: Now you're just being an ass, Sam.

Sam Davis: Yes, I am. I'm winning you back goddamn it.

Zoe: Is your sister here already?

Colin: What! No. No, you just didn't hear her yell out my name. That's just actually what I would like you to be doing during the passion we'll be sharing momentarily.

Zoe: I'll walk you out.

Zoe: Vampires are lucky, they can feed on others. We gotta eat away at ourselves. We gotta eat our legs to get the energy to walk. We gotta come, so we can go. We gotta suck ourselves off. We gotta eat away at ourselves til there's nothing left but appetite. We give, and give and give crazy. Cause a gift that makes sense ain't worth it. Jesus said seventy times seven. No one will ever understand why, why you did it. They'll just forget about you tomorrow, but you gotta do it.

[first lines]

E.B.: [leaving movie] Scared the living crap out of me!

Ruby Baker: Meryl Streep, that girl was not.

Zoe: Who's Meryl Streep?

Tasha: Oh, Zoe, she's like Katie Holmes to our parents, okay?

E.B.: So, what's next ladies?

Ruby Baker: I have to go home.

E.B.: No!

Ruby Baker: Yeah, make... make that a that a block from home. I can't have another close encounter with my parents. They think I'm home in bed...

Zoe: I am NOT a prostitute!

Zed: That's great. Can I have my 1000 francs back, then?

Zoe: We fit together.

Zed: All men and women fit together. Even some men fit together.

Zoe: I'll show you a real Paris.

Zoe: [about escape plan] It will be tough, if we make it. If we fail, it will be worse.

Martha: [about their robbery victim] Zoe, I can't stop thinking about that man.

Zoe: Yeah. I know. We're never really dead or alive; we just exist. So he's still existing, but it's in a parallel time. Just don't think about it.

[last lines]

James: I love you so much. I'm sorry. I'm here. I love you so much. I love you. I love you.

Zoe: I love you.

Zoe: It's beautiful...

James: It's gonna hurt a lot, and I don't want to feel it. I don't want to feel a thing.

Zoe: Hey, life is stronger than death, James.

Mitchell Stephens: Tell me your news, Zoe.

Zoe: Okay. Yesterday I went to sell my blood. I'm in this fucking city, and I'm selling my blood.

Mitchell Stephens: That's not news, Zoe.

Zoe: No, but this is. They wouldn't take my blood. Do you know what that means, Daddy? Does it register? I tested positive.

Zoe: Welcome to hard times, Daddy.

Mitchell Stephens: What do you want me to do, Zoe? I'll do whatever you want.

Zoe: I need money.

Mitchell Stephens: What for?

Zoe: No, you CANNOT ask me that. YNot anymore. You asked me what I wanted, not what I wanted it for. I want money.

Mitchell Stephens: Do you have a blood test?

Zoe: You don't believe me? You don't FUCKING believe me?... I like it when you don't believe me. It's better that you don't believe me, but have to act like you do.

Zoe: What is this thing about Eric calling you "a sassy piece of jailbait"?

Christina: What's this thing?

Zoe: It bothers me.

Christina: Why?

Zoe: It makes you out like a child or something.

Christina: Unlike the tartan skirt and my socks or the blouse or the way I act, right?

Gonzalo: If you're pregnant then the tests you took before are shit. If thats the case you have two options. You either tell Ignacio he's the father or you abort.

Zoe: Abort? That's your advice to me?

Gonzalo: Or you tell Ignacio he's the father you have two options!

Zoe: [pause] It doesn't matter to you if it's your child, does it?

Gonzalo: My child? How the fuck am I going to know if that's my child? You lied to me! You said you couldn't have children and now you fucking want to have my kid? That's just fucked!

[pause]

Gonzalo: I don't want you to call me, look for me, or even know me. Leaving this room I don't exist to you anymore you understand?

Zoe: It's my fault, I shouldn't have told him about the painting.

Gonzalo: It's not the painting. Money is something your husband has got more than enough of. The problem is that I painted it.

Zoe: I spent the whole day cooking.

Gonzalo: I spent the whole day thinking about you. Give me a kiss.

Zoe: Don't. We're in Ignacio's house.

Gonzalo: Why the fuck do I care if...

Zoe: [interrupts] Look, if I asked you to come for dinner it's because I like spending time with you. But promise you're going to behave yourself.

Zoe: [kisses him]

Ignacio: What is with you today? Did you smoke something?

Zoe: No.

[laughs]

Zoe: Why do you always analyze me so much Ignacio? I want you to make love to me tonight.

Ignacio: Tonight?

Zoe: Tonight.

Zoe: Are you sure you love me?

Zoe: One, never be loud

Claire: I know you know the rules

Zoe: Two, never lose control. Three, never open the door. Four, never talk about the breathers.

Zoe: Olive said we had to hide

Zoe: Did I just die?

Zoe: I went somewhere.

Frank: That was a dream!

Zoe: No, it was hell!

Frank: Zoe, it's Frank. You're probably really scared and confused. We're going to fix this. We can fix this together, okay, you and me.

Zoe: It's too late for that.

Zoe: If we are going to be asking the questions, we have to be ready for the answers.

[first lines]

Zoe: Oh hi, sorry about the headphones. The music helps me work, stay connected, focused.

Zoë: So where's the maniac?

Kim: I shot him and his punk ass ran off.

Zoë: You wanna go get him?

Kim: Oh hell yeah!

[to Abernathy]

Kim: Baby, I think you might want to get out...

Abernathy: Fuck that shit! Let's kill this bastard.

Stuntman Mike: [screams from his car] I'm sorry!

Kim: What?

Stuntman Mike: I didn't mean to, I was just... playing around!

Zoë: Oooh, he was playing around...

Kim: BUT I AIN'T PLAYING WITH YOU!

[hits Stuntman Mike's car]

Kim: Oh, you know I can't let you go without tapping that ass... one...

Abernathy: Kim?

Kim: ...more...

Zoë: Uhmm, Kim?

Kim: ...TIME!

[both cars smash right through a dead-end guard rail and into a busy freeway]

Zoë: If he lets us take it out on our own, I want to play ship's mast.

Kim: Oh HELL no! There ain't no way I'm doing ship's mast.

Zoë: For Christ Sake's, Kim...

Kim: Don't blaspheme!

Zoë: Sorry...

Kim: Now, what did you say after the last time?

Zoë: I know what I said.

Kim: What did you say?

Zoë: I know I said we shouldn't do this again.

Kim: No, you didn't say we shouldn't, you said we ain't EVER gonna do that again!

Zoë: Yeah, but...

Kim: But my ass! You said, not only are we never gonna play ship's mast again, but you also said, if you ever do what you're trying to do now, to not only refuse, but that I had permission to physically restrain your ass if necessary. Now, did you or did you not say that?

Zoë: Well...

Kim: No, no no no, answer the question mother fucker, did you or did you not say that?

Zoë: Yes, I said that, however...

Kim: Whatever with your however.

Zoë: I know I said it, and I know I meant it.

Kim: Damn skippy you meant it!

Zoë: But when I said it, I didn't mean in America.

Kim: Oh, nigga please!

Zoë: Really, I meant we should never play ship's mast again in New Zealand or in Australia.

Kim: You are such a liar!

Zoë: Look, I know what I said when I said it. But when I said it, I didn't know I'd ever come to America. And when I said it, if had I known that I was gonna come to America and have the chance to play ship's mast on a fucking Vanishing Point Challenger, I would have added a however. Right?

Kim: Okay, oddly enough, I actually understood that, however, just because you've talked yourself into some stupid shit, doesn't mean I'm out of my Goddamned mind. You need two people to play ship's mast, and I ain't playing.

Lee: [to Zoë] I'm sorry, but what is "home"? Is that Australia, right?

Zoë: [seemingly offended] What do you mean by that, mate?

Abernathy: Zoë's from New Zealand. And you never, I repeat, NEVER, call a Kiwi an Aussie.

Kim: Not unless you wanna get your ass kicked.

Lee: I'm so sorry, I really am.

Zoë: [Abby, Zoë and Kim laugh] We're just taking the piss out of you, mate!

[from the original theatrical cut]

Zoë: You guys look like shit. Who died?

Zoë: I'm ok!

Zoë: [while their car is being smashed by Stuntman Mike] I'm sorry I called you black bitch!

Kim: I forgive you! Now, hold the fuck on!

Zoë: So let's hear it ladies. Set romances, who's gettin' it off?

Kim: That would be Lee and Toolbox.

Zoë: Oh, Toolbox. Name sounds promising.

Abernathy: He's a grip.

Lee: What he is, is a pervert.

Zoë: Wow, he just keeps sounding better and better. What's his perversion?

Lee: He likes to watch me pee.

Kim: Lee is sittin' on a toilet and Toolbox is watching her pee, P-I-S-S-I-N-G. Haha! Yeah, but not anymore, now she's getting it on with the rock.

Zoë: You're having one off with The Rock?

Lee: Yeah, but not the real Rock. He's this electrician named Bruce, and Kim started calling him The Rock because he looks like The Rock, so we all just started calling him the Rock.

Kim: Oh yeah, this is an all star crew, we got a guy that looks like Nick Cage, and a guy that looks like Pee Wee Herman too.

Zoë: Kim, dick department, let's hear it!

Kim: No dick this trip. I got a man.

Zoë: How long have you had this boyfriend for?

Kim: Three months.

Zoë: Who'd you steal him from?

Abernathy: Kim, he totally had a girlfriend.

Zoë: All of Kim's boyfriends start out as someone else's boyfriend.

Kim: I didn't steal him, I didn't steal any of them, they all just... jumped ship.

Abernathy: Zoe, Kim and I were in the Philippines at an outdoor rave.

Lee: What were you working on?

Kim: Three Kicks to the Head Part Three

Abernathy: And admittedly, we're a little fucked up.

Zoë: Cheers to that.

Abernathy: So Zoe, the genius wants to take a picture of me, now it's dark, and you can't see shit. So she's got her camera and keeps saying "Step back a little" so I do, "A little further!" so I step back a little further. "A little more!" so I do. Then I realized, I'm right at the edge of a seven foot concrete ditch with god knows how many rocks and broken bottles and rats in it, and if I fell in that fucking thing, I would have probably broken my fucking neck. So I'm yelling at her, "Zoe, you almost killed me!" so we laugh about it, walk a little further, and Zoe starts fucking around, and bam, if she doesn't fall in the fucking ditch.

Zoë: I remember taking a step, looking down, just as I'm thinking "Oh, there's that ditch everyone was talking about!" bam, I'm in the fucking ditch, you know?

Lee: So what happened?

Abernathy: What, with Zoe the cat? Nothing. If I fell in that fucking thing, they would have had to helicopter me out of there. Zoe just lands on her fucking feet. But then later, I started feeling a little down about myself. I mean, Zoe falls in the ditch and it's nothing, we're laughing about it. If I fell in that fucking thing, I probably would have been fucking paralyzed.

Lee: Oh, well you can't think like that. You know, we all have our individual talents, and that just happens to be one of Zoe's.

Kim: Well, physically speaking, Zoe is amazing. I mean, agility, reflexes, nimbleness, there's few human beings who could fuck with Zoe on that front.

Zoë: Aw, Kim, I like you too.

Kim: Having said that, before you get too envious of Zoe's prowess, you're missing the most important part of that story. You didn't fall in the ditch, Zoe did. Zoe even knew there was a ditch there because you told her and she still fell in it. So, Lee's right, we all have our talents.

Zoë: Hey, I resemble that remark.

Kim: [Before they play Ship's Mast. Kim turns to Zoe; both are sitting in the front seat, and Abernathy sits in the back seat, unaware of what they are about to do] You thinking what I'm thinking?

Zoë: I think I'm thinking...

Abernathy: What are you thinking?

Zoë: I'm thinking we told your ass to shut the fuck up!

Abernathy: The answer to your question, is no, of course not.

Zoë: What do you mean "no of course not?"

Abernathy: The reason Cecil hasn't had a girlfriend in six years, is because girls will fuck him. And if you fuck Cecil, you don't become one of his girlfriends. Not to say I want to be his girlfriend, but if I did want to be his girlfriend, if I fucked him, I wouldn't be his girlfriend, I'd be one of his regulars. And I'm getting too fucking old for that shit.

Zoë: Have you let him do anything?

Abernathy: Yes! I've let him give me a foot massage, and when we go to the movies, I let him hold my hand.

Kim: Bitch, you might be acting like you're twelve years old, but he is acting like a man. You need to break the nigga off a piece.

Zoë: Let me get this straight, you're not fucking him, you're not sucking him, you're not giving him any tongue, but Darryl Hannah's stand in is?

Abernathy: Okay, can we just take my sex life off the table?

Zoë: Actually, it was Cecil's sex life that was on the table, and your lack of one.

Kim: HAHA.

Abernathy: Okay, fuck both of you and your little high five.

Kim: Before you can claim a nigga, you got to claim a nigga. And you can start by giving the mother fucker a hand job on the back of the van on Tuesday.

Abernathy: I'm not gonna do that.

Kim: I know you won't, but you know who will? The bitch that ends up living in that big ass mansion of his.

Lee: Now I gotta say, I haven't agreed with everything that Kim's said, but it is true, if you stretched it out what you have with Cecil, if you suddenly get dirty on him, it blows their minds...

Zoë: So what's your story, Abernathy?

Abernathy: I had a set crush on Cecil.

Kim: Set crush? Nigga please, you were his set wife.

Abernathy: Were and Had being the key words here.

Kim: Bitch, you two are still into each other, and you know it.

Abernathy: Oh yeah? If he's still into me, then why did he fuck Darryl Hannah's stand in? Yes, men are dogs, oh it's so funny, oh it's so funny!

Kim: Oh, stop acting all hurt, your ass is just mad.

Abernathy: Yeah, he's a stand in fucker.

Kim: Bitch, you need to get over that shit, that was two weeks ago.

Abernathy: Oh, well now when you put it like that. Oh I haven't told you the best part, he fucked her on my birthday.

Zoë: Oh, that's a horse of a different color.

Abernathy: Thank you.

Zoë: Did he know it was your birthday? I mean, he's the director, he's kinda busy.

Abernathy: He ate a piece of my birthday cake, and he got me a present. Yeah, I think he knew.

Zoë: What'd he get you?

Abernathy: He made me a tape.

Lee: He made you a tape? Wait, he didn't burn you a CD, he made you a tape? Oh, it's so romantic.

Abernathy: I know what you're gonna say so don't even go there.

Kim: That sounds like the test of true love to me.

Abernathy: Look, I know you guys like him, he's likeable... but he fucked another woman on my birthday. How can you not be on my side?

Zoë: Well, I admit, that sounds bad.

Abernathy: It is bad!

Zoë: It just sounds like there's a little more to it than that. Were you two fucking?

Kim: Hell no!

Abernathy: Hello, is your name Abernathy?

Zoë: I'll be your best friend!

Kim: I don't need me no best friend who lives on the other side of planet Earth.

Zoë: I'll crack your back.

Kim: You'll crack it anyway.

Zoë: Well, of course I'll crack it anyway. But now, while I'm here, I'll be your back cracking slave. Whenever you want it, you got it, you don't even have to ask for it. You just order me to do it, just be like, "bitch, get over here and get busy!"

Kim: You crack my back, you give me foot massages, and after a shower, you put moisturizer on my butt.

Zoë: Deal.

Zoë: So, we're gonna see if this guy is gonna let us take the car out without him, if he does, you wait here with Lee, and we'll be back in a moment.

Abernathy: What?

Zoë: I said, we're going to see if this guy lets us take the car out without him...

Abernathy: I heard what you said. I just can't believe what you said. You know, you two got some fucking balls.

Zoë: What?

Abernathy: Don't play dumbass with me. I've been up all night, I'm still a little drunk, and I have a hangover. I should be in my hotel room asleep, not fucking around on Tobacco Road, but because Zoe wanted to drive some fucking Vanishing Point car, I'm here. Now you two got the balls to ask me, no, scratch that, tell me I gotta go make conversation with Tom Joad while the cool kids get to go out and play? Bullshit on that!

Kim: It ain't like that.

Abernathy: Then what's it like, Kim?

Zoë: You guys are our collateral. He's never gonna go for it if we all go.

Abernathy: I really think one human being will be collateral enough.

Zoë: You're not gonna wanna do what we're doing.

Abernathy: What, drive a car?

Zoë: We're doing more than that.

Abernathy: What, drive it fast?

Zoë: We're doing more than that.

Kim: Actually, we're paying you a compliment because we're gonna do some stupid shit. But that's okay, we're stuntmen, we ain't got good sense, but you, you got good sense, and anybody that got good sense ain't gonna wanna do what we're doing.

Abernathy: How do you know I don't wanna do it?

Zoë: Because you're a mum.

Abernathy: You know we're supposed to be this big posse, but that's the excuse that you guys use whenever you want to exclude me from something. So, what is it that you two daredevils are doing that I'm just so uncool I couldn't possibly understand?

Zoë: Well, we're kind of conning this guy. So maybe it's best if we don't go into detail about it while he's watching us. Besides, he's probably not gonna let us do it anyway.

Abernathy: Okay, how about this? I talk him into it. But if I talk him into it, I go along.

Kim: How you gonna do that?

Abernathy: That's my problem. But don't worry, he'll say yes.

Zoë: What're you gonna do, blow him?

Abernathy: No! I'm going to insinuate that Lee's going to blow him.

Grace: We're not supposed to talk about the fire.

Zoe: Your brother set the house on fire?

Tyler: No.

Zoe: Did your brother set the house on fire?

Grace: No. He made a dog go on fire and the dog made the fire.