Zero Quotes in Crime Spree (2003)

Zero: No smoking, no drinking? What kind of country is this?

Zero: Zero does not care about your life story.

Zero: You understand, I want a trim on my beard. I don't want you to mess with my hair, I just want a trim on the beard.

Barber: Alright. What's your name?

Zero: I'm the big Zero.

Barber: Well big Zero... well Mr. Zero, I'm a born again Christian and people come into my shop and like to tell them about Jesus and how he can change their lives and make them happy and I know you boys are causing a lot of trouble around town. You know, if you just give your heart to Jesus, Zero...

Zero: [Zero interrupts the barber] Let's get one thing straight man, you don't want to fuck with me. You understand?

Barber: I don't want to upset you. Anything I want to put more love in your life cause God loves everybody and you're not different and I know you got a heart and I don't care what you been through, no matter how much pain he can heal it cause he's the healer and word said he's closer to a friend...

Zero: [the barber is getting on Zero's nerves] YOU'RE GETTING RIGHT ON THE EDGE!

[Zero tells the barber where to trim]

Zero: Just a little on the side.

Barber: [the barber starts singing "Amazing Grace"] "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch..."

Zero: [the barber pushes Zero over the edge] THAT'S IT!

[Zero grabs the barber and slits his throat and then shoots him]

Biker: [the biker says to Zero after waiting to get a hair cut] Thanks a lot man, I wanted a fucking hair cut.

Meatrack: [Meatrack and Spyder see Stryker sitting down at the bar] Well look at what we got us here. We ought to learn that boy some manners.

Pigiron: You boys don't want to fuck with him.

Spyder: Pigiron, that's the pissant...

Pigiron: [Pigiron interrupts Spyder] Look, I just got finished telling you, you don't want to fuck with him... you know what I mean. Now, we came here to party, right? My buddy Zero over here he be mighty pleased to stomp on your deputy you got over there. What's his name, Smooch Bob, or something? He'd like doing shit like that.

Zero: I do like doing shit like that. You see I like to stomp them real good... till their face gets all red and squishy... and they always start to cry and beg for me to stop and I don't stop... and you know why, my man?... because that is the best part.

Zero: What happened?

M. Gustave: What happened, my dear Zero, is I beat the living shit out of a sniveling little runt called Pinky Bandinski, who had the gall to question my virility. Because, if there's one thing we've learned from penny dreadfuls, it's that when you find yourself in a place like this, you must never be a candy ass; you've got to prove yourself from day one. You've got to win their respect. You should take a long look at HIS ugly mug this morning.

[Takes a sip of water and laughs]

M. Gustave: He's actually become a dear friend.

M. Gustave: Serge X, missing. Deputy Kovacs, also missing. Madame D, dead. Boy With Apple, stolen. By us. Dmitri and Jopling, ruthless, cold-blooded savages. Gustave H, at large. What else?

Zero: Zero, confused.

M. Gustave: Zero, confused, indeed. The plot thickens, as they say. Why, by the way? Is it a soup metaphor?

Zero: I don't know.

M. Gustave: [Of Mme. Celine] She was dynamite in the sack, by the way.

Zero: ...She was 84, Monsieur Gustave.

M. Gustave: Mmm, I've had older. When you're young, it's all filet steak, but as the years go by, you have to move on to the cheap cuts. Which is fine with me, because I like those. More flavorful, or so they say.

M. Gustave: It's quite a thing, winning the loyalty of a woman like that for nineteen consecutive seasons.

Zero: Um... yes, sir.

M. Gustave: She's very fond of me, you know.

Zero: Yes, sir.

M. Gustave: I've never seen her like that before.

Zero: No, sir.

M. Gustave: She was shaking like a shitting dog.

Zero: ...Truly.

M. Gustave: [Regarding "Boy with Apple"] I'll never part with it. It reminded her of me; it will remind me of her, always. I'll die with this picture above my bed. See the resemblance?

Zero: Oh... oh, yes.

M. Gustave: [Just minutes later] Actually, we should sell it.

M. Gustave: The beginning of the end of the end of the beginning has begun. A sad finale played off-key on a broken-down saloon piano in the outskirts of a forgotten ghost town. I'd rather not bear witness to such blasphemy.

Zero: Me neither.

M. Gustave: The Grand Budapest has become a troops' barracks. I shall never cross its threshold again in my lifetime.

Zero: Me neither.

M. Gustave: Never again shall I...

Zero: Actually I think we might be going in there right now after all!

M. Gustave: Why do you want to be a lobby boy?

Zero: Well, who wouldn't - at the Grand Budapest, sir. It's an institution.

[after having escaped from Checkpoint 19]

M. Gustave: How's our darling Agatha?

Zero: [Reciting] "'Twas first light, when I saw her face upon the heath, and hence did I return, day by day, entranced, though vinegar did brine my heart, never w..."

M. Gustave: Very good! I'm going to stop you there because the alarm has sounded, but remember where we left off, because I insist you finish later!

M. Gustave: I'm not angry with Serge; you can't blame someone for their basic lack of moral fiber. He's a frightened little yellow-bellied coward. It's not his fault, is it?

Zero: I don't know, it depends.

M. Gustave: Well, you can say that about most anything, "it depends". Of course it depends.

Zero: Of course it depends, of course it depends.

M. Gustave: Yes, I suppose you're right; of course it depends. However, that doesn't mean I'm not going to throttle the little swamp rat.

[Zero has just shown M. Gustave the newspaper article announcing Mme. Celine's death]

M. Gustave: Dear God!

Zero: I'm terribly sorry, sir.

M. Gustave: We must go to her.

Zero: We must?

M. Gustave: Tout de suite. She needs me, and I need you, to help me with my bags and so on.

[to a voice within his suite]

M. Gustave: Attendez-moi, darling.

[to Zero]

M. Gustave: How fast can you pack?

Zero: Five minutes.

M. Gustave: Do it. And bring a bottle of the Pouilly-Jouvet '26, in an ice bucket, with two glasses, so we don't have to drink the cat piss they serve on the dining car.

Zero: [Reading a letter from M. Gustave] "My dear and trusted colleagues..."

M. Gustave: I miss you deeply as I write from the confines of my regrettable and preposterous incarceration. Until I walk amongst you again as a free man, the Grand Budapest remains in your hands, as does its impeccable reputation. Keep it spotless, and glorify it. Take extra-special care of every little bitty bit of it as if I were watching over you like a hawk with a horse-whip in its talons, because I am. Should I discover a lapse of any variety during my absence, I promise swift and merciless justice will descend upon you. A great and noble house has been placed under your protection. Tell Zero if you see any funny business.

Zero: [Finishing the letter] "Your devoted Monsieur Gustave."

M. Gustave: [interviewing will walking] Experience?

Zero: Hotel Kinsky, Kitchen Boy, 6 months. Hotel Berlitz, Mop and Broom Boy, 3 months. Before that I was a Skillet Scrubber.

M. Gustave: Experience, zero.

[to various workers]

M. Gustave: Straighten that cap. Pleasure's all mine. These are not acceptable.

[back to Zero]

M. Gustave: Education?

Zero: I studied reading *and* spelling. I started my primary school. I almost finished...

M. Gustave: Education, zero.Good morning Cicero. Call the plumber. Family?

Zero: [hesitates] Zero.

M. Gustave: Excuse me. Have you seen a pastry girl with a package under her arm in the last minute and a half?

Otto: Yep. She just got on the elevator with Mr. Desgoffe und Taxis.

M. Gustave: Thank you.

Zero: I'm sorry, who are you?

Otto: Otto, sir. The new lobby boy?

Zero: Well, you haven't been trained properly, Otto. A lobby boy never provides information of that kind. You're a stone wall. Understood?

Zero: Do you have an alibi?

M. Gustave: Of course, but she's married to the Duke of Westphalia. I can't allow her name to get mixed up in all this monkey business.

Zero: Monsieur Gustave, your life may be at stake.

M. Gustave: I know! The bitch legged it! She's already on board the Queen Nasstasja, halfway to Dutch Tanganyika.

M. Gustave: Why are we stopping at a Barley Field?

[Title Card: 19th October, The Closing of the Frontier]

M. Gustave: [the train comes to a stop, the Doors to the cabin room swing open, soldiers stand at the doorway]

M. Gustave: Well, Hello there, chaps.

Franz: Documents, please.

M. Gustave: With pleasure.

[Hands the officer his papers]

M. Gustave: It's not a very flattering portrait, I'm afraid, I was once considered a great beauty.

[Notices the soldier's name tag, it reads: "Cpl F. Müller."]

M. Gustave: What's the F. Stand for, Fritz? Franz?

Franz: Franz.

M. Gustave: [Cheerfully] I knew it!

[Zero hands the soldier his papers]

M. Gustave: He's making a funny face.

M. Gustave: [to the soldier] That's a Migatory Visa with stage three worker status, Franz darling, he's with me.

Franz: [Hesitates, looks at Zero] Come outside, please.

M. Gustave: Now wait a minute, sit down, Zero. His papers are in order, I crossed referenced them myself with The Bureau of Labor and Servitude. You can't arrest him simply because he's a bloody immigrant, he hasn't done anything wrong!

[a moment of disbelief, the soldier looks, then grabs Zero by the arm and rises him from his seat. A light struggle breaks out, Gustave, angered, yells at them]

M. Gustave: Stop it! Stop, damn you!

Zero: Never mind, Mousier Gustave! Let them proceed!

M. Gustave: Ow, that hurts!

[Zero and Gustave are roughly shoved against the wall]

M. Gustave: You filthy, godamn, pock-marked, fascist assholes! Take your hands off my lobby boy!

[a whistle blows, and the door to the wagon opens. Everyone stops moving. Inspector A.J. Henckels walks into the room, he stands at the doorway]

Henckels: What's the problem?

M. Gustave: This is outrageous! The young man works for me at the Grand Budapest Hotel in Nebelsbad.

Henckels: Mousier Gustave?

[pauses]

Henckels: My name is Henckels, I'm the son of Dr. and Mrs. Wolfgang Henckels Bergersdörfer. Do you remember me?

Zero: I'm not stupid, I know everyone thinks I am, I just don't like answering stupid questions.

Mr. Pendanski: D-I-G. What does that spell?

Zero: [takes shovel and whacks Mr. Pendanski across the face with it] DIG.

Zero: Did they have red X's on them?

Squid: You got Zero to talk.

Armpit: Hey yo, what else can you do Zero?

[Zero looks at his food]

Stanley: Yeah. Yeah they did.

Stanley: I feel really awkward with you reading over my shoulder like that, so...

Zero: I can't read.

Stanley: You know what I keep thinkin' of?

Zero: What?

Stanley: How fine this Mary Lou must've looked like in a bikini.

Zero: What do you thinks up there?

Stanley: I don't know, a great big Frosty-Freeze?

Zero: Good, 'cause I could use a hot fudge sundae.

Magnet: Nobody messes with the Caveman.

X-Ray: Did you see the Caveman back there?

Stanley: I don't wanna mess with anybody.

Zig-Zag: Come on, Caveman.

Stanley: ...I'm Caveman?

Zero: Better than Barfbag.

Zero: You know, those stars look like a shovel to me.

Stanley: Exactly... Hector, I feel lucky.

Zero: [laughing] The onions have gone to your head.

Stanley: What do you say we dig one more hole?

Stanley: [Hands Zero an onion] Here, eat this.

Zero: What is it?

Stanley: It's a hot-fudge sundae, just eat it.

Zero: Don't steal the car, my mom'll kill me.

Atari Gang Member: Yeah? Well, tell your mom I said thanks for the bitchin' wheels, bitch.

Zero: We find the ones who will never be found.