Zed Quotes in Men in Black II (2002)

Undercover alien intelligence officer: Zed, the Drolecks are gone and the treaty is signed.

Zed: Good work!

Undercover alien intelligence officer: Zed, what about that position you promised me in Men In Black?

Zed: Still working on the Alien Affirmative Action Program. I'll keep you posted.

Undercover alien intelligence officer: Wait a minute! That's not what you promised me!

Zed: You're breaking up, can't hear you.

Undercover alien intelligence officer: Zed! Hello? Zed?

Zed: I'll call you back...

[starts walking away]

Undercover alien intelligence officer: I could be Agent M!

Kevin Brown/K: How ya doing?

Agent J: Good.

Kevin Brown/K: Listen, we've all been there. The girl is gone and it hurts. Wanna talk about it?

Agent J: No.

Kevin Brown/K: I can help.

Agent J: No.

Zed: [walks into the room] Still sulking?

Kevin Brown/K: [at the same time as J] Yeah.

Agent J: [at the same time as K] No.

Zed: You miss her, it happens to all of us. There was this young, hot thing I knew once. When our bodies were intwined, in the positions of the Kamasutra...

Agent J: Zed!

[Grins and chuckles]

Agent J: Come on, man! Damn!

Frank the Pug: [walks in] I'll tell you about dames. They say they wanna be scratched behind the ears, but what they REALLY want is...

[growls]

Agent J: Hey! Come on...

Frank the Pug: What? Still sitting shiva? Want my advice?

Agent J: No.

[to Frank]

Agent J: No advice...

Agent J: [to K] ... no talking...

Zed: You didn't neuralize another one?

Agent J: What's that supposed to mean? Okay, you can't count A, and L really wanted to go back to that morgue...

Akira Governor: No-no, listen to me. We don't know how. We live by the Varda; the Varda is not to fight. The Akira haven't fought for centuries!

Zed: I have fought... and I am a scion of Akir!

Akira Governor: And you are on old man.

Zed: I have lasted this long by fighting!

Akira Governor: We are all going to be killed. We are defenseless!

Zed: To fight creatures of violence, you must use creatures of violence.

Peter Teller: ZED, behavioral modification. Highest level. John Brennick.

ZED: I'm sorry, but that file has been deleted from the system.

Peter Teller: By whom?

Sato: You said delete all casualties.

Peter Teller: Casualties means dead, you cretin!

Zed: It's a cold cosmos.

Rik: You'll regret this!

Zed: Not a particularly original response, but I'm sure it is a sincere expression of your fears.

Zed: You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MiB special services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You're above the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them." We're "they." We are the Men in Black.

[In a shooting range, confronted with numerous menacing-looking targets, Edwards shoots a cardboard little girl]

Zed: May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?

James Edwards: Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir.

Zed: How'd you come to that conclusion?

James Edwards: Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light, and I realized, y'know, he's just working out. I mean, how would I feel if somebody come runnin' in the gym and bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy, and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand, and I'm realizing, y'know, he's not snarling, he's sneezing. Y'know, ain't no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany. I'm thinking, y'know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, this time of night with quantum physics books? She about to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight years old, those books are WAY too advanced for her. If you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it.

[pause]

James Edwards: Or do I owe her an apology?

[pause]

James Edwards: That's a good shot though...

Zed: Kay, give the kid a weapon.

[Kay opens a chest filled with intergalactic guns. He picks up a large rifle]

Kay: A Series Four De-atomizer.

Jay: That's what I'm talkin' about.

Kay: [picks up a very tiny gun and gives it to Jay] Noisy Cricket.

Jay: [stares the weapon in disgust] Hey, Kay, nah, nah. Come on, man, you-you get a Series Four De-atomizer and I-I get a little - little midgy cricket?

Kay: [notices Jay is pointing the gun in his direction] WHOA! kid...

[grabs the arm Jay is holding the weapon with and points it away from him]

Jay: Feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing...!

Jay: Zed, don't you guys ever get any sleep around here?

Zed: The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard thirty-seven hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it... or you'll have a psychotic episode.

[to candidates rejected as MIB agents]

Zed: Gentlemen, congratulations. You're everything we've come to expect from years of government training. Now please step this way, as we provide you with our final test: an eye exam...

[a series of flashes occur]

James Edwards: Maybe you already answered this, but, why exactly are we here?

Zed: [noticing a recruit raising his hand] Son?

Second Lieutenent Jake Jenson: Second Lieutenant, Jake Jenson. West Point. Graduate with honors. We're here because you are looking for the best of the best of the best, sir!

Zed: [throws Edwards a contemptible glance as Edwards laughs] What's so funny, Edwards?

James Edwards: Boy, Captain America over here! "Best of the best of the best, sir!" "With honors." Yeah, he's just really excited and he has no clue why we're here.

Zed: We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here.

Zed: Edwards. Let's put it on.

Edwards: Put what on?

Zed: The last suit you'll ever wear.

Kay: Z, get a containment unit to come down to the city morgue...

Zed: Containment will be of little point, old friend. Most of the aliens and ships are gone already. It's like the party's over and the last one to leave gets the cheque...

[sees the worms are leaving]

Zed: You miserable little ingrates!

Zed: I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. All my brain blood was in my boner.

Oh: I'm a virgin by choice.

Zed: Ha! Not *your* choice!

Oh: I just want to lay with her so badly.

Zed: I don't see it. I mean she's cute, but I don't think I'd lay with her.

Oh: She's your sister. I mean, it would be like laying with your mother.

Zed: Which was a *big* mistake, I see that now.

[from trailer]

Zed: You could be my right-hand man.

Oh: I've seen what you do with your right hand. No, thank you.

Princess Inanna: Come! Come quick!

Zed: That won't be a problem.

Zed: What are we doing here?

Princess Inanna: I want you to enter the Holiest of Holies.

Zed: Oh, that's quite a coincidence, because I want you to sit on the Poliest of Polies.

[from trailer]

Zed: [pointing to wheels] What are these big, round things for?

Cain: They're wheels, numbskull. They make the cart roll.

[Zed and Oh are riding on the cart, with their arms in the air]

Oh: I feel like a bird!

[from trailer]

[Zed has eaten an apple from the 'Tree of Knowledge']

Zed: I might know everything. Ask me something!

Oh: Where does the sun go at night?

Zed: Pass. Next question.

Oh: Where do babies come from?

Zed: Pass. Next question.

Oh: [noticing a snake] There's a snake on my foot.

Zed: In the form of a question!

Oh: [scared] There's a snake on my foot?

Zed: Correct!

Zed: [Abraham draws back with the knife, about to stab Isaac] STOP! What are you doin' with that kid?

Abraham: [Abraham freezes, with the knife still held high] ... Nothing.

Zed: Nothing?

Abraham: This is my son, sir. We were playing a game, alright? It's called... "Burny Burny Cut Cut".

Abraham: [addressing Zed, Oh, and Isaac] Therefore, to signify my covenant with the one true God, I shall on this day circumcise the flesh of my penis. And of you. And you, and of you, and every male who dwelleth hereby.

Zed: Excuse me?

Oh: I don't know what you mean.

Abraham: We shall grasp the foreskins of our penises, and we shall cut therefrom the extra flesh. Amen.

Zed: Oh... I don't think I have any extra.

Oh: Couldn't we pierce our ears or something?

Abraham: No, no, no. So it shall be written, and so it shall be done.

Zed: Let me get this straight. You're saying you have too much cock? And you wanna...

[makes a cutting gesture. Abraham nods]

Zed: You know, Abe, it's been a long day, we've all had a lot to drink, and I know that this foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you might wanna sleep on it. We can always cut it off in the morning. But if we do it now, there's just no way to get it back on there.

Abraham: No, no, no, trust me, it's gonna be a very, very sleek look. This is gonna catch on. I'm gonna go get my good knife. Just wait right there. I'll be right back to cut your penises. Not the whole thing, you understand. Just the very tip. And after, we're all gonna have wine and sponge cake.

Zed: Look, I want you to know... I blame myself for everything that's happened.

Maya: Yeah, so does everybody else.

Zed: It seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me...

Pedestrian Villager: He guys, I'm trying to enjoy a sacrifice with my family. Do you mind? Do you mind?

Zed: To Kyle Gass there! That's our stoner.

Zed: Can I see you later?

Maya: I think I have to wash my hair.

Zed: You washed your hair last year.

Oh: [Zed and Oh are fleeing Abraham's camp to avoid being circumcised] Do you have any idea where we're going?

Zed: Yup, we're going to Sodom. We have to save Maya and Eema.

Oh: [referring to Abraham] But he said that God was gonna smite Sodom with holy fire.

Zed: Yeah? God also told him to chop off the tip of his dick.

Isaac: [screaming in the distance] Dad, no! No!

Oh: So listen, I've been thinking, what constitutes the tip of the penis? Because his definition might not be the same as mine. Like, what if the tip is your favorite part?

Zed: The tip is your *only* part.

Zed: Hey, I'm peeing on my face too... on the inside!

[last lines]

Zed: To the north!

Maya: You know that that's west.

Zed: Mmm hmm, yeah, I was just checking to see if you knew. To the west!

[under his breath]

Zed: I'm already glad you're here.

Zed: [to Oh] I want you to have babies with my sister.

Maya: When my parents were killed by that pack of wild dogs, you really helped me see the funny side.

Zed: [imitating dogs barking] "No, no! He's got my ankle!"

Marlak: Stay away from my woman.

Zed: Not gonna be possible, Marlak. She's not your woman. You can't own people. Except for the guy who bought all of us. Apparently, he can.

Zed: Don't make me flare my nostrils!

Zed: Gene, Gene made a machine, and Joe, Joe made it go. Art, Art blew a fart and blew the whole damn thing apart.

Zed: [singing along] It's getting to the point now when I'm with you, I no longer want to have something stuck in my eye... Your mother, my mother ain't never looked like Florence Henderson...

Zed: [Referring to his watch] Mickey! He's Dead! He killed him!

Laura: I'm sure the academy will pay for it.

Zed: No, you don't understand. It's like a sentimental thing. It was the last thing I stole before joining the academy.

Zed: People just don't understand me.

Laura: Maybe if you talk slower...

Zed: No, I mean who I am. Man, now I gotta worry about my diction too?

Laura: Oh, Zed. Do you think when this is all over we will still see each other?

Zed: SHUT UP! Oh, no, not you. I m-m-m-meant the ducks!

Zed: Bring out the Gimp.

Maynard: Gimp's sleeping.

Zed: Well, I guess you're gonna have to go wake him up now, won't you?

Zed: Sometimes you just need the honesty and security of a whore.

Zoe: I am NOT a prostitute!

Zed: That's great. Can I have my 1000 francs back, then?

Zed: What time is it?

Cab Driver: Daytime.

Zoe: We fit together.

Zed: All men and women fit together. Even some men fit together.

Oliver: So Eric tells me you like Viking films. Viking movies.

Zed: Yeah... I guess.

Oliver: I love that stuff. Those helmets with the fucking horns on!

Zed: Dr. Seuss... my tub.

Consuella: In hunting you, I have become you. I've destroyed what I set out to defend.

Zed: "He who fights too long against dragons, becomes a dragon himself."... Nietzsche.

Zed: [speaking into the crystal ring on his left hand] Tabernacle - what are you?

The Tabernacle: Not permitted.

Zed: Where are you?

The Tabernacle: Not permitted.

Zed: Do you know me?

The Tabernacle: I have your voice-print, Zed - and your genetic code, but only memory fragments.

Zed: [gazing into the diamond he holds in his other hand] Tell me about the crystal transmitter.

The Tabernacle: I cannot give information which may threaten my own security.

Zed: Brain emissions refract low wavelength laser light, passing through the crystal in the brain. They're a code sent to you for interpretation and storage. Yes or no?

The Tabernacle: Not permitted.

Zed: A receiver must be like a transmitter. I think you're a crystal - in fact this one! This diamond! In here, there is infinite storage space for refracted light patterns. Yes or no?

The Tabernacle: You have me in the palm of your hand!

Zed: Stay close to me - inside my aura!

Arthur Frayn: You see, our death-wish was devious, and deep. As Zardoz, Zed, I was able to choose your forefathers! It was careful genetic breeding that produced this mutant - this slave who could free his masters! And Friend was my accomplice! Don't you remember the man in the library, Zed?

[a chime is heard]

Arthur Frayn: It was I who led you to the 'Wizard of Oz' book! Ha-hah, it was I who gave you access to the Stone! It was I!

[a chime is heard]

Arthur Frayn: I bred you! I led you!

Zed: And I have looked into the face of the force that put the idea in your mind. You are bred, and led, yourself.

[He strides away, and Friend advances to join Arthur]

Friend: Arthur! We've all been used!

Arthur Frayn: And re-used.

Friend: And abused!

Arthur Frayn: And amused!

Consuella: [speaking into her ring as she observes Zed asleep in his cage] The Brutal is now in fourth hour of unconscious sleep. It's astonishing that Homo Sapiens spends so much time in this vulnerable condition at the mercy of its enemies. Is there any data on the sleeping-patterns of primitive people?

The Tabernacle: Is that a priority request?

Consuella: Yes. I am now going to test its waking response to dangerous stimuli.

[She reaches inside the cage toward Zed. With unexpected speed, he seizes her wrist even as he wakes. He holds her for a moment, glaring at her before releasing her. Slowly, she recovers composure and speaks to him]

Consuella: Does it please you to sleep?

Zed: Yes.

Consuella: Why?

Zed: I have dreams.

The Tabernacle: Sleep was necessary for Man when his waking and unconscious lives were separated. As Eternals achieved total consciousness, sleep became obsolete, and Second-Level meditation took its place. Sleep was closely connected with death.

May: Friend, I cannot sanction this violence and destruction.

Friend: It's too late, May. There's no going back.

May: Don't destroy the Vortex! Let us renew it. A better breed could prosper here. Given time...

Friend: Time? Wasn't eternity enough?

Zed: [enters suddenly; May wheels to face him] This place is against life. It must die.

[Zed gently grasps May's pistol hand and raises it so that the weapon points right between his eyes]

May: I have my followers. Inseminate us all, and we'll teach you all we know, give you all we have. Perhaps you can break the Tabernacle. Or be broken.

[Friend advances to place his hand on the others', in a triple pact]

Friend: An end to eternity.

May: A higher form.

Zed: Revenge.

Zed: [watching his memory-scan video of hunting down Brutals] I love to see them running. I love the moments of their deaths - when I am one with Zardoz.

Avalow: [addressing the populace of the Vortex] Death approaches! We are all mortal again! Now we can say 'yes' to death, but never again 'no'. Now, we must make our farewells: to each other, to the sun and moon, trees and sky, earth and rock, the landscape of our long waking-dream.

[Avalow turns to Zed]

Avalow: Zed - the Liberator - liberate me now, according to your promise!

[Zed readily raises his pistol. Avalow stretches in anticipation. The seconds pass, but no shot rings out]

Consuella: [urgently, to Zed, while focusing on Avalow] Do it! Do it!

Zed: [slowly lowering his pistol] All that I was, is gone.

[There is the bark of a shot, red spurts from Avalow's neck, and she collapses into the fountain's pool as the people moan in passion. Zed looks behind him - his fellow Exterminators have arrived]

[Zed confronts May in the weaving-house; she is partially hidden beneath a diaphanous patterned sheet]

Zed: May? I want your help!

May: You want to destroy us... the Tabernacle.

Zed: I want the truth.

May: You must give the truth, if you wish to receive it.

Zed: I'm ready.

[She flings the sheet up to enfold him beneath it with her]

May: It'll burn you!

Zed: Then burn me.

Zed: What is it you want?

Friend: Sweet death. Oblivion.

Zed: For yourself, or for the whole Vortex?

Friend: For Everybody. An end to the human race. It has plagued this pretty planet for far too long.

Zed: You stink of despair. Fight back! Fight for death, if that's what you want.

Friend: I thought at first you were the one to help. But it's hopeless. All my powers have gone.

Zed: Where is it? The Tabernacle?

Friend: The Tabernacle... is... I can't remember!

Zed: Who made it? Someone must know how to break it.

Friend: Yes, but you can meet him for yourself! One of our founders, one of the geniuses who discovered immortality.

[Friend goes to the bed of the Old Scientist and, rousing him noisily, shouts]

Friend: We want to die! Hm? What - what's the trick?

Old Scientist: [feebly] Death... death... Talk to May! May!

[Zed stands before a giant screen swarming with microscopic infusoria]

May: Look at it. It's you.

[Zed looks behind him, but May does not see him do so]

May: Your genetic structure, your life chart. Look.

[Obligingly, Zed does so again]

May: You are a mutant, second, maybe third generation - therefore genetically stable. Enlarged brain, total recall. Your potential is... Your breeding potential!

Zed: Breeding?

May: Frayn!

[May spins around to confront Zed]

May: How did you get into the Vortex? What is your purpose?

Zed: I'm just an Exterminator. I know nothing.

May: You must know that you're mentally and physically vastly superior to me, or to anyone else here. You could be anything, could *do* anything. You must be destroyed.

Zed: Why?

May: Because you could destroy us!

Zed: As *you* destroyed the rest of life? Can you un-know what you know now about me?

May: For the sake of science, I will keep this knowledge from the others, for the time being. But you must follow me, obey me, be circumspect, make no disruption, quietly do whatever work is given you. I will watch over you.

Zed: I have a child I've never seen. I know it's mine, but I deny it.