Zaphod Quotes in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)

Arthur: Normality? We can talk about normality until the cows come home.

Ford: What is normal?

Trillian: What is home?

Zaphod: What're cows?

Trillian: You idiot! You signed the order to destroy Earth!

Zaphod: I did?

Arthur: He did?

Trillian: Love and kisses Zaphod? You didn't even read it, did you?

Zaphod: Well, I'm president, I don't have a lot of time for reading.

Trillian: My whole planet destroyed because you thought someone wanted your autograph!

Ford: You're looking for the Ultimate Question.

Zaphod: Yep.

Ford: You.

Zaphod: Me.

Ford: Why?

Zaphod: No, I tried that: Why? 42. Doesn't work.

Zaphod: Why so edgy, baby doll? Relax.

Trillian: Why so edgy? You wanna know why I'm edgy?

[fires Point-Of View gun at Zaphod]

Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] Of course you're edgy. Your planet's been blown up and you've been tooling round the galaxy with the guy who signed the order. You actually wanted to know the question because you always wondered if there was more to life and now you're crushed because you find out there really isn't.

Zaphod: [from Zaphod's view] Hey, fantastic. Psychedelic.

Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] You have no home and no family and now you're stuck with me, another in a long line of men who doesn't really get you.

Zaphod: [from Zaphod's view] That's not true.

Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] And you're worried that you might have blown it with the one guy who really does.

Zaphod: Oh, baby doll. Give me that thing.

[takes Point-Of-View gun off Trillian and aims it at her]

Trillian: It won't affect me. I'm already a woman.

Humma Kavula, Congregation: [singing] Oh mighty Arkleseizure, thou gazed from high above. And sneezed from out thy nostrils, a gift of bounteous love. The universe around us emerged from thy nose. Now we await with eager expectation, thy handkerchief, to bring us back to thee.

[End singing]

Zaphod: Hello Humma.

Humma Kavula: Let us pray. Oh mighty one, we raise our noses to you blocked and unblown, send the handkerchief O blessed one that we may be wiped clean.

[Everyone in the congregation sneezes simultaneously]

Humma Kavula: Bless you.

[deleted scene]

Questular Rontok: [runs to the demolished caravan to find Zaphod unconcious inside] Mr President! Oh, thank god. I tried to prevent all this from happening, but forces beyond my control made it impossible for me to stop them. And even stronger forces are making it impossible for me to stop doing this right now!

[kisses Zaphod, waking him up]

Zaphod: [throws Questular off him] Zarquon, woman! Are you insane? You're my vice-president! In the name of liberty, and freedom, and people, and... stuff... let's do that again!

[they kiss passionately]

Zaphod: [to Trillian] Hey slim, are you wearing my underwear? 'Cause I'm wearing yours, and they're not doing the trick.

Zaphod: We just hit that button and whoo! Magrathea. I think, I mean we've hit it twice and we're still not there.

Zaphod: Oh Deep Thought! We have travelled long... and far. Have you calculated the ultimate question?

Deep Thought: [yawns] No. I've been watching the TV.

Zaphod: Hey. Sorry to hear about your planet. What was it called again?

Arthur: Earth.

Zaphod: Yeah, Earth. I liked Earth. I got these boots on Earth. Anyway, don't tell the girl, OK? Cause if you do, I'll pull your spleen out through your throat.

Ford: Okay, don't think. Nobody think. No ideas. No theories. No nothing.

[a beat. They all strain to think of nothing. Several paddles shoot up out of the ground smacking them in their faces]

Ford, Arthur, Zaphod: Ow!

Zaphod: In the name of people, and freedom, and democracy, and stuff like that, I hereby kidnap myself, and I'm taking this ship with me. Whoo!

Zaphod: Why'd you pick up hitchhikers?

Trillian: I didn't. The ship did.

Zaphod: She digs me.

Zaphod: That doesn't sound good.

Zaphod: Some parts of my character weren't what you'd call presidential.

Ford, Zaphod: Belgium.

[Waiting for Trillian to be released]

Zaphod: Who are we waiting for again?

[Waits for a reply]

Zaphod: No, I'm serious.

Arthur Dent: It's a big-biggy Ford, a big-biggy! I mean what if it rips us all into tiny little atomic particle things?

Zaphod: This is the right one! I have a hunch!

Ford: [smiling] His hunches are good! Arthur! I say we go!

Arthur Dent: Go with a hunch of a man who's brain is fueled by lemons?

Zaphod: If there's anything around here more important than my ego, I want it caught and shot now!

Zaphod: Let's trip the Light Fantastic, baby, just you and me.

[Arthur and Ford have each been unexpectedly hit in the face by some unknown flyswatter-like thing]

Zaphod: [after finally also being hit in the face] Zarquon! What was that? Geez...

Marvin: [depressed] I'd make a suggestion, but you wouldn't listen.

[even more depressed]

Marvin: No one ever does.

Zaphod: HUMMA KAVULA!

Zaphod: I can't do this without my third arm!

Arthur: [as a yarn doll] I think I'm gonna be sick!

Zaphod: Hey, do it in the trash can, Earth man, this ship is brand new.

Arthur: [vomits coloured yarn]

Zaphod: [to Arthur] I like those jammies.

Zaphod: I'm sensing a lot of hostility from you, Alex.

Arthur: Arthur!

Zaphod: Have you ever tried yoga?

Zaphod: Hey! Is this guy boring you? Why don't you come talk to me instead? I'm from a different planet. Seriously!

[laughs]

Zaphod: You want to see my spaceship?

Ford: [talking about Zaphod] He's my semi half brother.

Zaphod: He shares three of the same mothers as me.

Ford: What's with the whole two-head thing?

Zaphod: Oh, yeah, apparently you can't be president with a whole brain.

Zaphod: This is it. I have a hunch.

Ford: His hunches are good.

Lunkwill: Drink up.

Arthur: Thank you.

Fook: Now, to business.

Ford, Zaphod: [drunkenly toasting] To business!

Lunkwill, Fook: Eat!

Zaphod: [quietly] Sorry.

Zaphod: You Zarkin' Frood!

Zaphod: Circus! Circus!

Zaphod: He's a guest on my ship! He's a guest on my shiiiip!

Ford: I thought you said you stole it.

Ford: [watching the Magrathean recording of Deep Thought] Is that it?

Zaphod: No, there's more. They go back.

Arthur: What, seven and a half million years later?

Zaphod: Yeah, they do.

[Cuts to 7.5 million years later and the answer being received]

Zaphod: He did say the gray building, right?

Ford: All the buildings are gray.

Zaphod: [everything appears to be made of yarn] WOW! Is this gonna happen every time we hit that button?

Trillian: Very probably, yes.

Zaphod: Far out!

Humma Kavula: Zaphod Beeblebrox, our infamous President. What brings you to our humble planet?

Zaphod: Oh, I think you know why I'm here.

Humma Kavula: No, I don't think I do.

Zaphod: I think you think you don't. But we both know, you do.

Humma Kavula: Eloquent as always. Your ability to articulate never ceases to amaze.

Zaphod: Have you calculated the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything?

Deep Thought: No. I've been watching TV. I built another computer to do that.

Zaphod: Oh, right, I forgot. Is it here?

Deep Thought: No, it's not here. It's another world.

Zaphod: It's on another world...

Deep Thought: It *is* another world, stupid. Or it was until the Vogons destroyed it for a hyperspace expressway.

Zaphod: Well, Okay. You sure you don't have the question, or a way to, you know, access it or something? 'Cause I think I've done a lot to get here.

Deep Thought: [TV lights up again] Oh, shh, shh. The show's back on.

Zaphod: Well, I don't wanna bother you, so I'm gonna... Good stuff. Great.

[backing away]

Zaphod: I'm gonna go and find something else for my entire life to be about.