Yuri Quotes in Red Dawn (1984)

[Yuri's 2 fellow soldiers have just been killed by Toni and Robert, and Yuri has managed to escape back to the jeep despite serious wounds]

Yuri: [speaking Russian into radio mike] God help me!

Yuri: God help me!

[Jed catches up to Yuri at the jeep, armed with a .45 pistol. Yuri looks at him with terror, then turns his head away, knowing what is coming. Jed then executes the Soviet soldier with the pistol]

[3 Soviet soldiers on patrol in the highlands of Arapho National Forest have found an arrow at the side of the road]

Yuri: [speaking Russian] Look. Look what I've found. An Indian arrow.

Soldier #1: [notices it is a manufactured arrow] I did not know these Indians used steel.

Yuri: Sure, you fool. They used the melted sabers of Federalist Cossacks.

Soldier #1: [notices the platic tail] Did these Indians work in plastic too?

Yuri: You idiot, this is bone, polished to a high sheen.

Yuri: [after spotting Toni & Erica] Stop!

Soldier #2: Watch out! She has a weapon.

Soldier #1: [speaking Russian] Stop, damn it!

[fires his AK-47]

Soldier #1: [Danny has managed to draw a bead on the first soldier & shoots him in the back with an arrow. The man screams & backs away from Erica, then tries to climb up the bank but is pulled off balance by Toni & Erica]

Soldier #1: [speaking Russian] Help me, comrades! I'm dying!

[Toni has managed to get control of the man's AK-47 & kills him with it. The second Soviet soldier goes down a hill when Robert steps out from behind a tree. As the soldier raises his AK-47 to shoot, Robert kills him with a shotgun blast. Yuri takes off toward the jeep with Daryl, Robert & Jed in pursuit and shooting at him]

Yuri: Father... don't give up.

[Yuri tries to convince her boss on doing a story about the possible return of Godzilla]

Yuri: You don't sound interested.

Kadokura: ...Godzilla is passé.

Yuri: The 1000 Year Dragon... King Ghidorah.

Yuri: [over the walkie-talkie] Rudy! Did someone get shot?

Rudy Cafmeyer: No. I Farted.

Yuri: Did you get it?

Rudy Cafmeyer: I have the egg.

Yuri: YES, YES, YES! YURI'S THE MAN WITH THE PLAN!

Yuri: Who are they?

Ty: The first is Khmer Rouge, but what about the Thai? He's China's contact. He fights likes a tiger!

Yuri: Tell me who sent you. I will see to it you get out alive.

Terry: Well, I'll tell you. I think the tour operator was... Cambodian Holidays.

Yuri: Tour operator?

Terry: Like I was saying, I was separated from my tour. We were supposed to view the remains of a B-52 today.

Yuri: B-52?

Terry: I really should be getting back. They take a head count, and if you're not there at dinner, it's the stockade.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Is there anyone with you?

Yuri: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Are you carrying a pair of high heels in that bag?

Yuri: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Not even a small pair of pumps?

Yuri: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Who are you?

Yuri: I'm Yuri, the trainer.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And what is it you do, Yuri the trainer?

Yuri: I train.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: So, you are Yuri the trainer who trains.

Yuri: [looks down]

[footsteps are heard in the background]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Shhhh! Footsteps. It's a young woman... 30 to 35 years old... 5'2" ,5'4", brunette. And she is wearing high heels. Perhaps a bit too formal for the afternoon. And she has on... Chanel N°5.

[a male in his forties walks in]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Is anyone with you?

Yuri: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do you have a pair of high heels in that bag?

Yuri: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Not even a small pair of pumps?

Yuri: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are Yuri the trainer who trains.

Yuri: Yeah, that's right.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I am looking for a dead body. Perhaps you can tell me where it is.

Yuri: Oh, yeah. I heard it was in the locker room. You go down the hall, make a right and two lefts.

[seeing that Clouseau has almost burst into laughter and is trying to control it]

Yuri: You are finding something amusing here?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'll be honest with you. I - I find your accent quite funny. Where are you fvam?

Yuri: From Russia. Gluant recruited me from the Russian military gym.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [mocking him] "do-do-do-ba-ba-lo"

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You need to work on your accent.

Yuri: What?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?

Yuri: What? What?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?

Yuri: What?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I don't have time for this. I have to solve a murder.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do not leave Europe!

Yuri: But we have matches in Asia.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: All right. Do not leave Europe or Asia!

Yuri: And we also have a match in Brazil.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do not leave Europe, Asia, or the Americas!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: In the name of the statutes and laws of the great nation of France, I arrest you for the murder of Yves Gluant... Yuri, the trainer who trains!

[Clouseau unmasks Yuri; the guests gasp]

Palais Reporter: And who are you?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau unmasks himself] I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau!

Yuri: Gluant was nothing! I drew up the plays. He takes credit for brilliant French defense which I gave him and treats me like I'm dead, okay, fine. Now he is dead... from Chinese poison.

[the crowd gasps in shock]

Ponton: Inspector, what made you think it was him?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: But Ponton, think back: You were there.

[Flashback to Ms. Yu's interrogation]

Yu: [in subtitled Chinese] Why do you bother me? Why did you bring me down here? I'm busy! The soccer coach was killed with Chinese poison. You should look for soccer trainers. They are required to have a knowledge of Chinese herbs.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: She was right, of course. According to Statute 87223: every trainer of the National soccer team must have a knowledge of Chinese herbs.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Flashback to Yves Gluant's murder] This made it easy for him to murder Gluant.

Palais Reporter: And Bizu?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Simple: Bizu had often heard Yuri's rants against Gluant, so Bizu blackmailed Yuri and got himself killed.

Bizu: [Flashback to Bizu's murder] Oh, it's you.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: A stunning shot to the head burrowing deeply into the occipital lobe.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: But Yuri is a soccer trainer. That shot was made by an expert marksman!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: But Chief Inspector, I'm sure you're familiar with Russian Army statute 611.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Well, of course.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau, Chief Inspector Dreyfus: All members must be expert marksmen,

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Expert marksmen.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau, Chief Inspector Dreyfus: And understand the location of the occipital lobe.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: The occipital lobe, of course. Yes, very true.

Palais Reporter: What about the diamond? What about the Pink Panther?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes, I...

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Uh, thank you, Inspector Clouseau, for... carrying out my orders. Hand over the diamond, Yuri.

Yuri: What do I care about your stinking diamond?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He does not have the diamond.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [skeptically] The murderer does not have the diamond?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: No.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [mockingly] Well, then where is it, Inspector Clouseau?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: It is there! In her purse!

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Let me see.

[Dreyfus searches Xania's purse but finds nothing]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Uh-huh, sorry Clouseau, no diamond!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau takes out a Swiss Army knife, and opens the miniature scissors] The purse, please.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau uses the mini-scissors to cut into the purse's inner lining] Could you hold that, please?

Xania: [Clouseau hands the Swiss Army knife to Dreyfus, and takes the Pink Panther ring out of Xania's purse] After Gluant came to me, he said he decided to stop cheating on me; then he asked me to marry him... and put the ring in my hands. After he was killed, I thought: if I came forward with the ring, everyone would think I did it.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: If Gluant gave you the ring before he died, then according to Civil Statute 812-914-B, you are the rightful owner. You may keep the Pink Panther.

[the crowd says "Aww..."]

Ponton: But Inspector, how did you know she had it?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: It was simple, Ponton: I was looking at a photo of myself at the checkpoint. Something caught my eye: Xania's purse passing through the X-ray machine. I enlarged the photo, and in it, the Pink Panther. The case is closed!

[the crowd cheers and applauds]

Yuri: [wistfully] All I ever wanted was a family of my own...

Yuri: Did you enjoy your pickled beets, my dear?

Avery: No...?

[Yuri glances over and sees Kenny with beet juice all around his mouth]

Yuri: [Yuri is shivering in fear as the memory-erasing machine is strapped to his head] C'mon...

Miles: Does it hurt...?

Darryl: ...Oh yeah.

Yuri: [sounding lonely] All this power... I wish there was someone to share it with.

Kenny: [Kenny affectionately hugs Yuri] I'll share it...

Yuri: [extremely creeped out] Oh, GET OFF!

[shoves Kenny away]

Eirik: I was trying to rob him. And he took my gun from me. And the gun was full of blanks. And he shot a blank into my eye. And now I cannot see from this eye ever again, the doctors say.

Harry: Well to be honest it sounds like it's all your fault.

Eirik: What?

Harry: I mean basically if you're robbing a man and you're only carrying blanks and you allow your gun to be taken off you and you allow yourself to be shot in the eye with a blank which I assume that the person has to get quite close to you then, yeah really it's all your fault for being such a poof, so why don't you stop wingeing and cheer the fuck up.

Yuri: Eirek - I really wouldn't respond.

Eirik: I thought you wanted the guy dead?

Harry: I do want the guy dead, I want him fucking crucified but it don't change the fact that he stitched you up like a blind little gay boy, does it?

Yuri: I also have some dim-dims. You use this word, dim-dims? The bullets that make the head explode?

Harry: Dum-dums. Yeah.

Yuri: Would you like some of these dim-dims?

Harry: I know I shouldn't... but I will.

[takes whole case of dum-dums]

Yuri: There are a lot of alcoves in the Astridpark. You use this word, alcoves?

Ken: Alcoves, yes. Sometimes.

Yuri: There are not many people around in these alcoves at Christmas time. If I were to murder a man I would murder him here. Are you sure this is the right word, alcoves?

Ken: Alcoves, yes. It's kind of like nooks and crannies.

Yuri: Nooks and crannies, yes! Perhaps this would be more accurate. Nooks and crannies rather than alcoves. Yes. You are going to do it aren't you? Mr. Waters would be very disappointed...

Ken: Of course I'm going to fucking do it. It's what I do.

Yuri: Plenty of alcoves in Bruges.

Ken: Pardon?

Josh: I loved them so much...

Alex: You loved who?

Josh: The Girls of Madam Camae's Filipino Palace...

Alex: You've been spending our rent money on Filipino hookers?

Josh: They're not hookers, they're massage therapists.

Mover #2: Yeah, they'll massage your cock for money.

Mover #1: There is a word for that... I think it's hooker!

Josh: You're a hooker!

[movers throw their stuff down and stare at Josh]

Alex: Whoa guys.

Yuri: Alex I make you special deal, I'll give you five minutes to grab all the shit you don't want thrown out, but if you take one extra minute, my friends will take your testicles and remove them, through your anus!

Yuri: Alex, you forgot smoking lamp.

Boris, KGB man: [speech given before going to America]

[in Russian]

Boris, KGB man: Stay away from places like the Subway.

Boris, KGB man: [looks towards Yuri]

Yuri: [now in English] Times Square,

Boris, KGB man: uh, Teems Square,

Yuri: Greenich Villlage

Boris, KGB man: uh, Grenich yillage,

Yuri: Rockefeller Center

Boris, KGB man: Kak?

[Russian for "What?]

Yuri: Rockefeller Center

Boris, KGB man: Reekafeller Tsyenter

Yuri: [shrugs]

Boris, KGB man: [shrugs]

Yuri: And the Almighty can do anything?

Sonya: Yes, the Almighty is all powerful.

Yuri: And he can't die?

Sonya: Yes, Yuri. The Almighty is immortal.

Yuri: So that means that he can't kill himself? Because if he can't kill himself, then that means he's not all powerful, doesn't it?

Sonya: Hum... Why don't we go and ask him?

Nikolai Luzhin: I need you to take Semyon out of the picture. I want you to arrest him.

Yuri: Arrest him for what?

Nikolai Luzhin: Rape. The girl was 14.

Yuri: And of course she will testify?

Nikolai Luzhin: She is dead, but she had Semyon's baby. If you can prove baby was his, and girl was underage, that is statutory rape. You have baby, you need Semyon's DNA. For poetic reasons, I suggest you take his blood.

Yuri: How am I supposed to sleep with all this going around me?

Misha: Talk to your friend. He's fucking psycho!

Yuri: Yes but there's nothing I can do about that.

Misha: He told her she has ten minutes.

Yuri: Mish, I can't do anything for you.

Misha: There's nothing you can do about that? There's nothing you can do about that? You can tell him that she stays! If he doesn't like it, he can leave! What are you talking about?

Yuri: Misha, it's not our problem. It's not your problem. It's their problem so just stay out of it.

Misha: I've never asked you for anything. Please, do what's right. Come on, she's on the floor. Come on, quickly. Come on!

Yuri: I can't.

Misha: If she leaves I leave, okay?

Yuri: Do what you have to do.

Misha: You're pathetic, do you know that?

Yuri: Care to have supper?

Emilia: I'm busy.

Yuri: After supper?

Emilia: Bed.

Yuri: Ok!... Emilia, it's joke!

Sevilla Haslam: You know, only this morning she came up to me and she said, "Sevilla, deary, you're the greatest prima ballerina in the whole world."

Yuri: No, I am.

[Yuri is rubbing a young ballerina's sore leg]

Young ballerina: I have weak knees...

Yuri: I like girls with weak knees.

Young ballerina: You just like girls...