Yossarian Quotes in Catch-22 (1970)

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: We're gonna come out of this war rich!

Yossarian: You're gonna come out rich. We're gonna come out dead.

Yossarian: Is Orr crazy?

Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: Of course he is. He has to be crazy to keep flying after all the close calls he's had.

Yossarian: Why can't you ground him?

Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: I can, but first he has to ask me.

Yossarian: That's all he's gotta do to be grounded?

Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: That's all.

Yossarian: Then you can ground him?

Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: No. Then I cannot ground him.

Yossarian: Aah!

Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: There's a CATCH?

Yossarian: A catch?

Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: Sure. Catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out of combat isn't really crazy, so I can't ground him.

Yossarian: Ok, let me see if I've got this straight. In order to be grounded, I've got to be crazy. And I must be crazy to keep flying. But if I ask to be grounded, that means I'm not crazy anymore, and I have to keep flying.

Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: You got it, that's Catch-22.

Yossarian: Whoo... That's some catch, that Catch-22.

Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: It's the best there is.

[last lines]

[Yossarian leaps out of the hospital window, fleeing the base. Danby and Tappman watch from the window]

Danby: Yossarian!

Yossarian: I can do it, Danby!

Tappman: They'll catch you, they'll bring you back!

Yossarian: I can do it!

Danby: This is insane!

Yossarian: I can do it!

Tappman: What about your clothes?

Yossarian: They'll never recognize me without my uniform!

Danby: You'll be on the run with no friends! You'll live in constant danger of betrayal!

Yossarian: [laughs] I live that way now.

Danby: Yossarian, for God's sake, hurry up!

Yossarian: So long, Chaplain!

Tappman: How do you feel, Yossarian?

Yossarian: Fine... because I'm scared to death.

Danby: You'll have to keep on your toes every minute.

Yossarian: I'll keep on my toes.

Tappman: You'll have to jump.

Yossarian: I'll jump.

Tappman: JUMP!

[Yossarian jumps over a ditch and runs to the sea while inflating a life raft. He leaps into the sea, paddling furiously, and is gone]

Yossarian: Those bastards are trying to kill me.

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: No one is trying to kill you sweetheart. Now eat your dessert like a good boy.

Yossarian: Oh yeah? Then why are they shooting at me Milo?

Dobbs: They're shooting at everyone Yossarian.

Yossarian: And what difference does that make?

Dobbs: Look Yossarian, suppose, I mean just suppose everyone thought the same way you do.

Yossarian: Then I'd be a damn fool to think any different.

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Nately died a wealthy man, Yossarian. He had over sixty shares in the syndicate.

Yossarian: What difference does that make? He's dead.

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Then his family will get it.

Yossarian: He didn't have time to have a family.

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Then his parents will get it.

Yossarian: They don't need it, they're rich.

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Then they'll understand.

Dobbs: [Over the radio] Help him! Help him!

Yossarian: Help who?

Dobbs: Help the bombardier!

Yossarian: I'm the bombardier, I'm all right.

Dobbs: Then help HIM, help HIM!

Colonel Cathcart: You're a disgrace. I'd like to know how you got to be a Captain, anyway.

Yossarian: You promoted me.

Colonel Cathcart: That has got nothing to do with it.

Yossarian: The only friend I had was Snowden and I didn't know him.

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Yossarian, I want you to do something for me.

[removes item from small bag]

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: I want to serve this to the men. Taste it and let me know what you think.

[Yossarian takes a bite]

Yossarian: What is it?

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Chocolate-covered cotton.

Yossarian: What are you, crazy?

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: No good, huh?

Yossarian: For Christ's sake, you didn't even take the seeds out!

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Is it really that bad?

Yossarian: It's cotton!

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: They've got to learn to like it!

Yossarian: Why?

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Look, I saw this great opportunity to corner the market in Egyptian cotton. How was I supposed to know there was going to be a glut? I've got a hundred warehouses stacked with the stuff all over the European theater. I can't get rid of a penny's worth. People eat cotton candy, don't they? Well this stuff is better - it's made out of real cotton.

Yossarian: Milo, people can't eat cotton!

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: They've got to - it's for the Syndicate!

Yossarian: It will make them sick! - why don't you try it yourself if you don't believe me?

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: I did - and it made me sick.

Yossarian: I am the most renowned killer of fish in the whole United States Army Air Force.

Yossarian: He was very old.

Luciana: But he was a boy.

Yossarian: Well, he died. You don't get any older than that.

Yossarian: If he raises the number of missions again, I swear to God, I'll help you kill him.

Dobbs: Really?

Yossarian: I swear.

Dobbs: Well, that's very reasonable of you.

Colonel Cathcart: [as the base is being bombed in an air raid] What are you doing, Yossarian! Get off the field!

Colonel Cathcart: [Yossarian fires a Colt .45 at him, but it clicks, empty] I wanna' see you later. You're confined to the base. I won't forget this!

Yossarian: I don't think the Air Force is gonna' forget about *this*!

Colonel Cathcart: Don't be ridiculous! What's good for M&M Enterprises is good for the Air Force! We had to get rid of that cotton. The Germans promised to take it off our hands, if we ran this mission for them! It's all part of the deal!

Lt. Col. Korn, XO: [loud bomb explosion is heard] There goes the Officer's Club!

Yossarian: [incredulous] You made a deal with the Germans to bomb our own base?

Colonel Cathcart: A contract is a contract! That's what we're fighting for!